


How Wind Makes Rubble out of Stone

by idaemilia



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Humor, Hurt, Light Smut, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane centric, Magnus Centric, Meet-Cute, Minor Dotarina, Minor Maiabelle, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-04-21 15:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 101,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14287806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idaemilia/pseuds/idaemilia
Summary: Magnus Bane is an immortal being, though he does not remember why and whether it's a prize or a punishment. He has lost most of his memories and has watched countless loved ones fade away while he remains the same.He meets Alec when he is nearing 1 000 years of age, and doesn't quite realize the significance Alec will have on his never ending life. What starts as an innocent romance, quickly morphs into something much more when Magnus starts to regain his memories, little by little. Their love is one where even forever wouldn't be enough, yet when their love is tested by both time and circumstance it needs to prove its strength in its many forms, over and over again.





	1. Prologue

 

**lost memories.**

**November, 1066**

 

He often found himself lost in his eyes. The deep, infinite blue like the universe above the endless seas. He was sure if he looked hard enough, he could see stars there, too. The same constellations that decorated the midnight skies, were drawn in his eyes too. If it was early in the morning, he would however say they were sea creatures chasing each other, playing in the bottomless ocean. He had not yet decided which he preferred. Maybe someday he would figure out the mysteries in his soul.

They had been to see the ocean, too. He had walked in the sapphire waters, ankle deep in the piercing cold water. His companion had wanted to swim as well, but Magnus had insisted that he did not intend to save him from drowning in the icy water if he were to drown, which he was sure to.

_Don't be so mean, you couldn't live without me._

It was late, dusk was painting the skies in hues of red and orange, and if Magnus looked deep enough, he swore he could see some purple mixed in with the warmth of yellow. He closed his eyes, the distinct scent of sand had brought itself all the way from the sea to him. He tried to catch the few final rays of sun, his skin shining golden under the evening sun.

_You're right. I couldn't._

He could feel him stirring in his sleep, the fabrics wrapped around him moved as his body did and Magnus tried to guess what he was dreaming of. Magnus himself rarely saw dreams, or if he did then morning was always diligent in letting him forget. So he let him tell of his dreams. He would never admit it, but they had lately become the highlight of his morning, listening to his raspy voice tell the insane details of his dreams that made no sense even to him.

But it wasn't the stories he enjoyed. It was the small smile he had whenever the dream had been especially sweet, or the much shier smile when the dream was something he could only ever tell Magnus, for he was often a part of them too. Sometimes he woke up with an expressionless face, or even a little puzzled one, for even he couldn't remember everything. Magnus supposed no one could remember everything.

Lately, he had started to take pleasure even in the most mundane things they did. He supposed it had happened sometime after he had first seen the crinkles around his eyes, or the weariness to his steps. He knew it was yet far away, but he had learned time often found ways to surprise you. So he made the effort to cherish their fights, not just their love. To smile at his awful jokes just as earnestly as he did with the better ones. To cry with him and laugh with him. He knew he would appreciate all of these small moments when they were gone.

He tried not to think of it. He did not know why, so he had decided some years ago to let it be. He had not grown like others had, he had been much slower, he had taken his time with everything. And as the days went by, he could see other differences too; he did not have crinkles around his eyes, or that specific weariness that wore everyone else down. He did not have silvery hair or old eyes. He did not carry the weight of decades on his shoulders, even though he had years to his life as anyone else. There was no explanation, it only was.

He took a deep breath, opening his eyes slowly, admiring the world opening before his eyes once more. It was the same world as always, the very same people and the very same sounds of life that engulfed him every evening and lulled him to sleep every night. It was the same world that woke him up every morning, it was the same world every time.

"Magnus?"

He was almost startled by the soft, quiet voice coming from the bed, the break in the little snores letting him know that his companion was awake. He hummed in response, at last getting up and joining him on the bed, among the warm fabrics that protected them from the coldness the midnight brought. Magnus had been lost again, not realizing the passage of time.

_Time._

He was sure it was all a myth anyway, the way it left him untouched, unbothered. Time had seeped its way into everything, into the buildings they slept in, into the streets that they walked and into the very core of the earth. It had wrapped itself around everything, but somehow it didn't reach Magnus. Maybe one day he would find out the truth of his existence, but not tonight. Tonight was only for him and the man that laid beside him. It was for them only, for time had found him as well. The moment would come soon, when Magnus would have to say his final goodbyes to him, but all that was for a later time. Now, he would love him.

For he was sure he would have an eternity to mourn him.


	2. Chapter 2

 

  **present day.**

 

"That hat is awful"

He could see Ragnor out of the corner of his eye briefly turning to look at him before scoffing, and looking ahead again. It was an unusually rainy day, perhaps even a week, but right at that moment Magnus could feel tiny rays of sunshine peeking from behind the gray clouds, shining on him like spotlights. Summer was ending, he could feel it in the way the sun didn't warm him up anymore, he could see it in the way the colors started to fade away. Trees, flowers and even people all lost their colors, turning from green to gray, red to brown and blue to black. He closed his eyes briefly, enjoying the little sunshine he was getting.

"That joked stopped being funny 300 years ago", Ragnor said, adjusting the black brimmed hat that often sat atop his head. He squinted his eyes, his left leg bouncing up and down restlessly.

"So did that hat", he snapped back, letting out a deep breath before turning to look at the man sitting beside him on the lonely wooden bench. The two of them often met here, usually in the mornings since Ragnor was busy most days and evenings. It had become a habit for them some years back, Magnus bringing the coffee and Ragnor providing the bagels, the two of them sitting quietly side by side, only sometimes making remarks of the people passing by. They were set in their ways, it happened so effortlessly when you were immortal. 

"Well if you don't have any more remarks about my hat", Ragnor began, standing up as he spoke, "I will be on my way."

"Duty calls?", Magnus asked. Ragnor was dressed in all black as he often was, even if his profession didn't actually call for it, with a long suede jacket and a suit underneath. His shoes were new or just polished, either way they shone so bright Magnus was sure he might see his reflection upon them if he looked at them hard enough. 

"A car accident",  he replied simply, dusting off his coat as he went. Ragnor had never been one to say goodbye, he always justified it by telling how many people he had said the final goodbyes to that day and Magnus would leave it at that. So he only watched his friend walk away silently, not even bothering to ask for more details or something else like that. Ragnor hated talking about his job, after all. 

Magnus stayed put for a while longer, watching as the people walked past him, off in their own worlds. He had always loved people, their company or just watching them from afar. He enjoyed thinking of their lives and their futures, guessing where each was headed off to or where they came from. He found peace among other people, he had never been one to enjoy his solitude, which was one other way he was different from his long time friend. Magnus was sure he was actually Ragnor's only friend, but it didn't seem to mind the other man. He often preferred silence where Magnus found relaxation in the chatter of people, in the sounds of life. Ragnor loved his solitude more than he had ever loved anyone, and Magnus doubted that would change. 

After some time, Magnus wasn't really sure for how long he had sat there, he stood up. Mirroring his friend, he also dusted off his black studded coat and adjusted the red shirt underneath. His shoes weren't as polished as Ragnor's, since he had never been so accurate about the little details. He looked around before leaving, debating whether he should walk and enjoy the faint sun or take the bus in case it would start raining. He looked down at his empty hands, it hadn't occurred to him to bring an umbrella.  _You'd think after 982 years I would have learned,_ he thought, scoffing to himself and shaking his head lightly.  _Well,_ he thought,  _let it rain then._ He put his hands in his pockets, a light bounce in his step as he walked away from the bench and toward the bus stop. 

The sun had gone hiding behind the clouds again, not a single ray of sunshine was shining through the faintly green leaves. Magnus was sure that fall was his favorite season, he loved the cold breezes and the loud thunderstorms. He loved how the leaves changed color and he loved how they fell so beautifully, decorating the ever so gray asphalt cities in hues of orange, yellow and red. He loved the rainy days when he could stay indoors and brew some tea and he loved the puddles that formed on the road beside his loft. He had always thought that New York during fall was one of the most beautiful sights he had even witnessed. 

He was deep in his thought as he arrived at the bus stop, mindlessly kicking a small rock, watching as it rolled and rolled before stopping at someone else's feet. He looked up from the rock then, to see a young woman holding the hand of a young girl no more than 4 years old. He could tell the woman was dressed too lightly and she was shivering, the tips of her fingers already turning a faint shade of blue, but the girl beside her was all bundled up. He smiled, thinking of how she could remember to dress the child but not herself. 

"Mommy, when is the bus coming?", the child asked, just as an ambulance drove past them with the sirens blaring loudly. Magnus thought of Ragnor and how this was surely the accident he had been talking of. He watched the car drive past them with incredible speed, silently wondering how Ragnor could stand his job. Magnus was sure he would never be able to survive a day in his shoes, he had always loved life too much to make death his daily job. 

Before the woman could answer, the bus rolled around the corner, causing everyone to shuffle a little closer to the side of the road, waiting to be let in. 

The bus was already a little crowded, Magnus had to stand among the masses of people trying to get from one place to another, trying his best not to bump elbows with too many of them. He took a hold of the pole that was conveniently placed in the middle of the aisle, shuddering as the coldness of it seeped through him. The bus was loud, not unusually so, and Magnus almost found himself enjoying the background noises as the bus started moving again.

He enjoyed watching the people around him - old couples still holding hands, mothers with their babies, children just learning to walk. He supposed there was something absolutely intriguing about watching life when you yourself could not live. Magnus shook his head lightly, trying to chase away such grim thoughts so early in the morning. 

"Oh, sorry!"

Magnus had barely registered someone bumping into him as the bus halted, and he blinked his eyes a few times, trying to ground himself in the present moment. He turned to look at the person beside him, who had apparently no control over their body, since absolutely no one else had moved an inch. The bus was moving slow, Magnus wondered how clumsy you needed to be to almost fall over such a small movement.

The person next to him was tall, unbelievably so, and he was wearing a suit that was in a desperate need of ironing, his shoes a little muddy and the ugliest bag Magnus had ever laid eyes on haphazardly thrown over his shoulder. He had a to-go mug of coffee in his hand and Magnus could tell he had spilled some of it just now by the way the man was inspecting his white shirt for coffee stains. 

"It's alright", he said, because it was. The man looked like a college student by the manner his hands were fidgeting because of too much coffee, his bag seemed to be heavy with books and the darkness under his eyes indicated some nights lost to work. His ebony black hair was a mess, as if he had been running his fingers through it all morning and hadn't bothered to comb it. Magnus chuckled lightly, he was definitely a student, perhaps on his way to an interview.

The man scratched his head nervously, almost falling over again once the bus continued on its way. He stole a quick glance at Magnus, a small blush creeping across his otherwise pale cheeks when he noticed Magnus already looking at him. Then he smiled.

Small.

Magnus looked at him for a while longer, appreciating the way his blush deepened by the second. He saw a name written on his cup, the handwriting was messy and it took some effort to read it in the moving bus, but Magnus was determined. 

_Alec._

He decided he liked it, it was short but strong, very eloquent but somehow still masculine. Magnus kept repeating it in his head, enjoying the way it sounded. He was sure it was a nickname, perhaps short from Alexander, and he wanted to know why the man had chosen Alec instead of Alex. There must've been some story behind it, or maybe he had simply wanted something more unique than Alex. In any case, Magnus thought Alec suited him better. 

Magnus was intrigued; yes, he was very curious about this stranger, more so than he usually was about the people he met. When you were immortal, there wasn't much to do in your daily life, so Magnus had always passed time by looking at others. He had lived many lives through the eyes of others, but this time it was something else. He had no words to describe it and frankly he was sure he was reading too much into it. Maybe there was nothing here, maybe all that Alec was was just a handsome stranger on a bus. That's all. 

He shook his head again, trying to clear his head.  _You're getting lonely again,_ he thought,  _maybe you should try speed-dating._ He smiled at his own silly thoughts, his own humor that had kept him company all this time. 

When the bus stopped again, Magnus saw Alec glancing at him for just a moment before making his way through the crowded vehicle, bumping elbows with almost everyone he passed. Magnus found himself chuckling again, shaking his head lightly as he watched that too-tall-for-his-own-good-Alec finally step off the bus. He was adorable, he had to admit, and Magnus felt tempted to start taking the bus everyday from then on just so he might catch the eye of that handsome stranger again. 

But he also knew that wasn't a very good idea with everything considered, and so he sighed, his eyes darting across the bus, looking for somewhere to settle. It was two more stops before his destination and Magnus was bored, reminded again of the reason he never took the bus; he hated the commute and it hadn't even started raining as he had predicted so he might as well have walked. Perhaps his skills at telling the fortune were a little rusty. 

However bored Magnus thought he was, he had a trouble getting his mind to stay away from that handsome-too-tall-for-his-own-good-Alec. The line of his jaw, the little lopsided smile he had, the messy hair that he was sure would be the softest thing to run his fingers through and even the cheap suit found its way to Magnus' thoughts. He was definitely getting lonely, that man had barely been his type and yet here he was; thinking of running his fingers through all that black hair, maybe even-

_No. Nope, that's not a road you want to go down._

He closed his eyes for a second, pinching the bridge of his nose in a desperate attempt to clear his mind. Maybe he should go on a vacation. He hadn't visited France in a while, or Italy. Perhaps even some distant country in Asia would do good for him. Some change in scenery was definitely needed if he started to daydream of strange men on buses. 

When the driver announced his stop, snapping him out of his thoughts, Magnus carefully made his way through the masses of people, trying hard not to bump into too many of the passengers. Once outside, he noticed the sun was shining brightly once more, blinding him for a moment before he raised his hand over his eyes to use as a shade. He looked around for a bit, a little disoriented since he usually walked here and the bus driver didn't follow his personal routes at all. 

Nevermind the sun, it was still quite chilly and Magnus shoved his hands in his pockets to protect them from the autumn wind, still trying his hardest to distract himself from a set of gorgeous hazel eyes. 

He walked down the sidewalk, passing by groups of people all on their way to different places. The wind was cold, nipping at his skin and he cursed himself for not even bringing a scarf. He was definitely been somewhere else entirely this morning, it was unusual for him to forget not only his umbrella but also his gloves and his scarf. He shook his head, pulling his hands out of his pockets to pull his sleeves over his hands, crossing them across his chest. Maybe he was getting old. 

He passed lamppost after lamppost, so deep in his own thoughts he almost walked past the street to Catarina's apartment. If you could call that old hole in a wall an apartment. 

"Took you long enough"

Magnus raised his eyes to meet Catarina's dark brown ones that held an all too familiar stern expression that rarely changed. Magnus huffed a laugh as he stepped past her into the dimly lit apartment. It was small, like all New York apartments were, and the faded wallpapers were cracked at the corners, revealing an old brick wall underneath. The furniture was old as well, Magnus had helped Catarina look for used stuff when she had moved here, and the colors were faded, the once beautiful patterns now almost completely gone. 

"Sorry, I took the bus", he said, sitting down on the old leather couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table in front of it. 

"I thought you hated the commute?", she asked, confusion apparent in her tone. 

Magnus turned to face her, watching as she looked for her coat. "It was going to rain, so I took some precautions."

"Didn't I tell you to stop predicting the weather and just download the app?", Catarina said, clearly unimpressed. Magnus only shrugged, chuckling as Catarina rolled her eyes at him, something she had found herself doing quite often since they had met some years back. 

"I _can_ predict the future, you know", he claimed, making Catarina laugh as well. 

"Sure you can", she said as she made her way to him, "not once have you predicted anything correctly and-", she continued, slapping Magnus on the back of his head, "you forgot the coffee." 

"That was uncalled for", Magnus complained while rubbing the back of his head.

"Was it? I need my dose of caffeine before my shift", Catarina said, "and you're paying."

"Fine, but if you keep slapping me I'm gonna start having my weekly brunches with Ragnor instead", he said. Catarina looked at him sternly, squinting her eyes like she always did whenever she was not believing whatever Magnus was saying. Which was often. 

"You would hate that even more than he would", she said, already on her way out. Magnus made a face behind her back, but followed her out anyway. She was right after all; Ragnor was not very amusing company. 

Whenever Magnus was visiting Catarina, he always found himself wondering how she could live in that building. The manager was a stingy asshole who always charged too much and then proceeded to neglect the apartment. He was lazy and ignorant and Magnus had tried once to get Ragnor to kill him but apparently "that's not how it works Magnus!"

Ragnor was always so unhelpful when Magnus wanted to assassinate people. 

They walked leisurely, Magnus knew Catarina had a later shift than usual and of course Magnus had all the time in the world. The wind wasn't as cold as it had been just some time before, but he pulled his arms closer to his body all the same. The streets were quiet, only an occasional car passed them by and Magnus contemplated if he should move to a quieter part of the city as well. His loft was always noisy, cars honking outside and people laughing in the hallways. Even in the dead of night, Magnus could still hear all kinds of noises, never leaving any room for silence. 

Magnus shoved his hands in his pockets, idly kicking a rock and watching as it veered off the sidewalk and onto the road. He closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the comfortable silence between him and Catarina. He breathed deep, even the air in this neighborhood was clearer than where Magnus lived. Maybe he should actually consider moving. 

With that thought in mind, Magnus started watching the buildings more carefully. They were beautiful, most of them brick houses of different shades with rusty, very antique looking stairs. The houses were small, only few of them had any balconies, thought most buildings made up for it with stunning potted plants that decorated the stairs. Magnus supposed come winter all those pretty plants would be carried inside, safe from the cold. 

They passed a group of people, but aside from them there weren't much others around. Maybe people, like plants, also liked to be away from the cold. Magnus on the other hand had always quite enjoyed winter, and snow and the brisk coldness that followed. He loved when everything was covered in white, and he loved how the snow crunched under your shoes when it was cold enough. Though autumn was still more beautiful in Magnus' opinion, at least before the rains would start.

"It's just through here", Catarina mentoined off-handedly, guiding Magnus to a bit larger road, that had much more life to it as well. Catarina was always the one to choose their weekly brunch locations, but she always wanted Magnus to bring coffee since she preferred to have it from one specific place near Magnus' loft. But Magnus supposed he was getting too old to remember such things, and he often forgot. Most of the time Catarina didn't mind, but if she was going to have a long shift, she usually made Magnus pay for the brunch in retaliation. It was a fair deal, one Magnus quite enjoyed, especially since Catarina was one of his dearest friends. 

The coffee shop seemed very lively, it was decorated beautifully and was quite pleasing to Magnus. There were many strings of light bulbs hanging on the front windows, making the small place seem very warm as well. There weren't too many people there, maybe one or two couples sitting in the corner tables, shied away from the eyes of others. There was one man in front of them in the line, which gave Magnus more time to appreciate the soft, beige walls and the quite pretty mix-matched tables and chairs. 

"Hello, welcome to-", the barista started, bringing Magnus back to reality. He turned to look at the person behind the counter, Catarina standing close by as she inspected the multiple pastries behind the glass. But the person in front of Magnus wasn't just anyone, no, it was  _him_ as if fate itself had deemed that they should meet one another again.

Alec. 

With his hazel eyes, dark eyelashes to match his ruffled hair, a lopsided grin that spread as he recognized Magnus; he was just as charming as he had been just some time ago.

"It's you", he said in a huff of breath, just as surprised to see Magnus standing there as he was himself, "isn't it?"

And he did it so effortlessly. He smiled, and Magnus felt like he was coming home after a long day at work; finally able to slow down and just breathe. He looked at Magnus, and he felt as though he had found something he had been looking for without even knowing it. And just like that, with just a look and a smile, Magnus knew he couldn't let this one go.

"You're that man from the bus?"

"Yes, that's how I'm commonly known", Magnus said, after stepping out of his initial haze, "but Magnus is fine, too."

Alec chuckled, looking down at his feet as if he didn't dare to meet Magnus' eyes. "So what can I get you?", he asked, quickly glancing at Magnus before looking down again. Magnus found it quite endearing, the shyness and the blushing cheeks. 

"I'll have a green tea and your number", Magnus said with a wink, causing Catarina to burst out laughing behind him. He slowly turned to glare at her for a second before giving Alec his full attention.

"That was lame, just... pathetic", Alec said, but couldn't quite help the smile tugging at his lips. His coworker was also oddly busy with wiping the counter, trying not to laugh as well. 

"Well do I get your number or what?", Magnus playfully demanded, leaning on the counter.

"If you can come up with a better pick-up line", he said with a mischievous grin, finally meeting Magnus' eyes. "I can't reward you with my number now that you used that awful cliché."

Magnus was astounded, not only was this man incredibly handsome  _and_ adorable, he was still going to play hard to get. "Well I love a challenge", he muttered as Alec turned away with a chuckle, leaving to make Magnus' order, who in turn took the opportunity to gaze at him as he went. 

"Can I get my coffee before I throw up?", Catarina inquired from behind Magnus, apparently sympathizing with the other barista, who immediately came to write down her order. Catarina turned to Magnus then, and gently elbowed him to the gut. 

"What's going on?", she hissed, too quiet for anyone else but Magnus to hear. 

"Ouch!", he said, rubbing his side more for dramatic effect than because Cat's punch had actually hurt. "What do you mean 'what's going on?'"

"Just last week you made a sweeping declaration to swear off dating and now you're flirting with random men in coffee shops?", she said, the softness in her eyes betraying her demanding tone.

"Well I mean, it's just flirting", he lied, not bothering to disclose the butterflies he had gotten the second Alec laid eyes on him. 

"Here's you order, enjoy!", the other barista said, barely keeping it together as Magnus took their drinks and Cat carried the pastries. They sat down at the nearest table and Magnus positioned himself so his back was toward Alec, he knew otherwise he would just end up lovingly gazing at him the whole time.

Catarina smiled then, a sight Magnus had always cherished, for she smiled far too little. 

"He's cute, though", she said, looking past Magnus at Alec, tilting her head a little as she often did when she was deep in thought. Her gaze shifted down quickly, undoubtedly because Alec had caught her looking, and she sighed before raising her eyes to meet Magnus'. "He seems young, too", she continued with a pointed look.

"What are you implying? I don't look a day past 30", Magnus said, feigning offence.

"Nothing, I'm just wondering if you're up for this"

Magnus stayed silent for a moment, picking apart the blueberry muffin Catarina had ordered for him.

"You deserve good things, Magnus", she said with reassurance when Magnus gave no reply, "and he seems nice."

Catarina ate the last of her donut, her kind eyes reading Magnus like an open book, "and don't take it too seriously"

Magnus huffed then, but couldn't deny the fact that he did have a tendency to take things a tad too seriously. "You know me so well, Cat."

"I know", she said before taking a sip of her coffee, "you might want to consult Ragnor, too."

"Why? He's a mean old grump and I'm probably the only friend he has", Magnus said, struggling to keep his voice down, "what can he have to say?"

"He's immortal too", Catarina reminded with a pointed look before continuing, "though I see your point."

"Fine, I'll go see him, but you'll buy the coffee next time"

"We'll see", she said with a shrug, "he's at the diner near 893 9th Ave."

Magnus squinted his eyes at her, not bothering to ask how Catarina knew where Ragnor spent his time. He did know, however, that both Ragnor and Catarina gave good counsel nevermind their differences. Catarina was a very charming person, but not in such an obvious way. She had that distinct charm that made everyone around her like her and respect her, even if they barely knew her. She wasn't that outgoing either, though Magnus figured she might've been if she had the time, but still she had a habit of making friends wherever she went. Ragnor on the other hand was very different. Though his elegant demeanor did command respect, he was a very secluded person and often in his own world. Magnus knew he was in a high position among his colleagues, but still Magnus was probably the only real friend he had, if you didn't count Catarina. And the relationship between Cat and Ragnor was its own chapter altogether - Magnus knew it to be a very complicated one, and he often still forgot how the two of them even knew each other to begin with. 

Magnus sighed, he could see Catarina looking past him once more before downing the rest of her coffee. "My shift is starting, so I'd better get going, but that boy has been looking at you this whole time and you better do something about that."

"Fine, fine, you have fun at work", he said as Catarina rose to leave the coffee shop. Magnus looked down at his tea, it was already getting cold but he wasn't really in the mood for tea anymore. He stole a quick glance at Alec, who had his back to him, and he got lost in his thoughts again. Should he try? Or should he walk out of that door and never come back to get that number? So many times he has been disappointed, and the memories leave, but the feelings stay. The loss, the heartbreak, all of it. Could he indeed be ready to try again, to give it another shot? 

Even if nothing ever comes out of it, should he try to make it work with Alec, who wears wrinkled shirts and doesn't bother combing his hair? At first glance, Magnus would say he and Alec are far too mismatched to ever work, but he still feels that pull, in his heart, that tells him to go for it. To go to him. 

Maybe this was why Cat told him to go see Ragnor. Even if Ragnor has never known love himself, not in this life, he has seen it. Immortal beings see everything, and due to his job Ragnor has a very clear view on life after all. Every immortal being has known loss, even if it wasn't their own. And no matter how hard Magnus could tell himself that it would never be anything with he and Alec, that he would leave without even knowing the truth about him, he still had to admit that there was a chance, however small, that Alec might stay. He might be one of those few souls that Magnus comes across every other century that stay. And if he does, Magnus will have to bear the loss of it.

He shook his head quickly then, and drank his cold tea so fast the other barista gave him a weird side-eye. He knew he should just get up and stop overthinking everything, he didn't even know Alec. They hadn't spoken much more than couple words and Magnus didn't even know his full name. He should just go see Ragnor and listen to him when he inevitably tells him that it's a bad idea. 

And so he gets up and with a quick smile at Alec and a promise of  _I'll see you tomorrow_  , he leaves the coffee shop. The wind outside has calmed, but Magnus still wraps his coat tighter around him, crossing his arms across his chest in an attempt to keep himself warm.  

The address Catarina gave him wasn't very far away, so Magnus found his way there quite quickly, though he had to do a double-take when he actually saw the diner Catarina had mentoined. It was old, and not in a good way; the walls were dirty and the smell of garbage made its way to Magnus all the way from the nearby alley. The door alone looked like it needed a tetanus shot and as Magnus pushed it open he wondered how the place was still running. 

He could spot Ragnor sitting in one of the booths, his attention fully on the TV that was blaring loudly somewhere in the diner.

"Are you killing someone in this general area?", Magnus asked as he made his way toward his friend, looking around the diner, wondering what on earth had attracted Ragnor "everything needs to be clean and stylish and classy" Fell to this ordinary diner with dingy floors and furniture that looked like it had been abandoned in a dump. "Or have you finally lost your mind?"

"I have coupons", he replied, not sparing Magnus a moment of his attention, instead keeping his eyes glued on the TV. Magnus nodded slowly, convinced that he would never set foot in this place even if everything was free. The furniture looked like it was from an 80s diner, and there even was a small disco ball hanging above the aisle between the booths. All of the chairs were made of red leather that was cracked at the corners, and the counter was painted white and red as well. Magnus thought that the owner must've been blind, there was no other earthly reason why a diner could be so unapologetically ugly. 

The floors were black and white and as Magnus inspected them he felt the sudden urge to wear plastic covers on his shoes and maybe some face protection as well. The only good thing about the place seemed to be the large windows that covered most of the front side, letting in some much needed sunlight. 

"What are you doing?", Magnus asked as he sat in front of his old friend. 

"I started watching this drama a while back and it's the season finale", Ragnor said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, not even sparing him a glance. Magnus made a weird face as he looked around while Ragnor kept slurping his milkshake.

"Where did you ditch that apprentice of yours?", Magnus inquired, trying to break the silence that had settled between them. He knew Stephen followed Ragnor everywhere, he had for the last two or so years at least, since he had started at the job. So Magnus was sure that overly-excited headache was hiding somewhere in the filthy diner as well. 

"Simon is getting me my breakfast", he replied simply, still not tearing his eyes away from the old TV that was sitting on a table in the far corner of the diner, playing some very dramatic spanish drama. 

"Is this place even habitable?", Magnus thought outloud, trying in vain to wipe the table with some napkins, "how did you find this place?"

"It's important to support the local businesses", Ragnor replied, only glancing at his companion quickly enough to huff a laugh at his disgusted face. 

"Natural selection, Ragnor. You should know this."

Ragnor only shushed him in response, turning his attention fully back to the loud TV show. Magnus thought to ask him why he didn't just buy his own TV, but figured if that were the case, Ragnor would never leave his apartment again, and so he figured he should just stay silent on the matter. 

"Ah, hey Magnus!"

He turned to look, seeing Salomon being his chipper self as he made his way towards them, carrying a large tray with cups of noodles and chicken nuggets with some drinks. Magnus thought that Ragnor's taste had really gone downhill since he had last eaten something other than coffee and bagels with him.  _Maybe I should take him to a real restaurant with actual food,_ he thought, figuring that even grim reapers had to have days off.

"Oh hey, Sheldon", he replied simply, turning back to face Ragnor, who took no notice as Scott placed the tray before him. 

"Really Magnus? It's been almost 2 years!", Samuel exclaimed as he sat beside Ragnor, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Anyway, Ragnor, I need your help"

"No, I won't kill Catarina's landlord for you, and no, I don't know how old grim reapers live", he aswered, not missing a beat. 

"That's not what I was gonna ask", Magnus said, feigning annoyance, "I met someone and I need advice."

"It's a bad idea"

"You didn't even know what I was going to say!", he said, suddenly raising his voice and causing Sean to jump a little in his seat. 

Ragnor turned to look at him, sighing before answering, "I know you have some memory problems, but this isn't the first time you've come to me with girl issues."

"It's a boy, actually"

"Even so, you're going to fall head over heels in love within five minutes, and then you're going to get your heart broken when they leave you", he continued without pause, leaning forward on his elbows, "I know you, Magnus."

Magnus stayed silent, contemplating Ragnor's words.

"He seems different, though", he mumbled, idly scratching his neck, "maybe he won't leave."

"You're immortal", Ragnor said, finally looking Magnus in the eye, "they always leave."

Magnus' brows furrowed as he thought of Ragnor's words, wondering how much truth they held. He had lived a long time, they both had, but it often hadn't felt like  _such_  a long time, or such a bad thing either. He had lost people, lost memories, lost almost everything. All the places he used to love, songs that no one alive sang anymore, books that had been burned, so many artifacts that no loger existed in anyone else's mind but his. Still, regardless of the tears and the heart ache, he had laughed and smiled as well, and loved. He had lived many lives, no one else could say the same.

It was true what Ragnor had said, everyone he had known had left him - one way or another. Some had been scared, called him a demon and ran off, others had left out of a different kind of fear. Some had stayed for longer, claiming they didn't mind. One or two had spent all they had with Magnus. Maybe three. It was a lonely life, after all, outliving everyone you had ever met.

Except Ragnor. He was the only person Magnus knew that he would never outlive. And the only person who understood the toll time could have on a person, even if they led very different lives. Ragnor was a grim reaper, a life that was a punishment for a past crime he could no longer remember. Magnus didn't even know what he himself was. Why didn't he age? Why couldn't he die? Those were questions no one could answer, not even after almost a millenia. 

He had tried dying, once maybe. Of all the things he had forgotten, that one he had not. But even a knife to his heart, he could not die. What kind of life was that? What kind of person would be crazy enough to abandon family, growing old together, just to be with him, a monster? Perhaps he was insane to think Alec might want that. He seemed a simple man; a job in a coffee shop, studying and then getting a better job. Getting married, having kids maybe. Who was Magnus to even ask him to give up his mundane life?

_And don't take it too seriously._

He could hear Catarina's voice clear in his mind, and he knew what she meant. He wouldn't have to take it that far with Alec. They could spend some time together, date perhaps, have fun, it would probably never be more than that anyway. It so rarely was more than that with Magnus. Then after some time he would let Alec go, and continue on with his life. Maybe find someone else. 

"I'm going to do it"

Ragnor put down his drink, sighing deep before glancing at Magnus for a brief moment, "it's a bad idea."

"You already said that", Magnus reminded.

"Seemed worth repeating", he replied simply and raised his eyebrows for good measure, giving Magnus a very pointed look. Magnus only rolled his eyes as he slid out of the booth, leaving the two reapers alone with their sad excuse for a lunch. 

He dusted his coat as he stepped outside, trying to brush off the smell of cheap leather and figured he might as well head back to his loft. Maybe take a longer road than usual, since it apparently wasn't going to rain after all. 

It was little after noon, the sun was still high, or at least the little sun Magnus could even see behind all those clouds. It was maybe a little warmer, Magnus couldn't really tell, but he put his hands in his pockets all the same, walking slowly past groups of people, and buildings. 

Often in times like this, when there was no one around to distract him, his mind wandered. It wasn't always such a good thing, since he could barely remember a thing, just glimpses here and there, sometimes even more than that. He could remember some people, a boy with blue eyes, another with beautifully blond hair. A girl in a beautiful victorian dress, and someone much younger dancing in a club, her dress giving more light than all the lamps in that dimly lit room. He could barely recall someone in a hospital, it was much newer but still very hazy, with tubes on their arms. He couldn't remember names, or faces. Just feelings, and maybe something more. Some pieces of conversation, not much else.

Whenever Magnus tried to remember, to hold on to things, he always thought that his immortal life must've been a punishment. Not the old age, it wasn't often that bad, but not remembering. Loving someone, and then not being able to tell their name or the color of their hair. Did they matter? If they did, why couldn't he remember? Did he truly love them? Or was it all just his imagination, he could not tell. When you were the only person who knew, there wasn't really anyone to help him. 

Maybe that was the real punishment, being alone.

He breathed and continued walking toward his loft. It was getting louder, more people were walking past him, bumping into him on their way somewhere, more cars drove by him, their engines roaring loudly, the wind carrying dust so much Magnus could almost see the grayness of it. He turned around for a brief moment, wondering if he was on the right street after all. The neighborhood was a strange one, Magnus couldn't recognize any of the streets or buildings, though he figured everything looked the same anyway. 

He mostly let his feet carry him wherever they wanted to go, he didn't have anything to do for the rest of the day. He could walk slowly, take his time and maybe see if he could find some nice bakery, maybe even ice cream, though it was already autumn. He could perhaps drop by the hospital later, see how Cat was doing, bring her more of the coffee she liked. The coffee was really bad at the hospital, or so she always said. 

Lately he had wondered how he had made 900 years pass by like nothing. What had he been doing all this time? He stopped walking then, closed his eyes and just breathed deep. 

Maybe if he asked nicely, Ragnor would erase the last of his remaining memories and let him forget the weight of a millennia on his shoulders. He could live for a while without remembering, not even knowing what he was. Not that he knew it now, either, but he figured sometimes the weight of it was too much. 

He shook his head, trying to chase away the grim thoughts. Maybe that vacation wasn't such a bad idea, after all. It would certainly clear his head. 

Magnus shifted his feet, raising his hand to fidget with the jewelry adorning his ear. He hadn't even noticed that his feet had carried him all the way to his loft, his tired mind had wandered further than he had realized. He tugged a little at his earring, as if making sure it was really there, and made his way inside. 

It was an surprisingly old building, Magnus had lived there for some time now, but it seemed new. The interior decor was fresh and modern, the stairwell was dimly lit, making it seem very romantic and mysterious. Nevermind the new furniture and the sleek surfaces, it was a very inviting building, almost cozy.

As Magnus made his way to the top of the stairs, he could not help but feel so very alone. He had brought so many people here with him, but he could barely remember a handful of them. And none of them were here now, with him. 

The door to his loft was heavy, the blackness of it almost blinding. Magnus' apartment had a very similar style than the overall building - it was filled with darker colours, black, crimson and rust, and the furniture was scarce, leaving much room and space in the loft, making it seem bigger than it was. Though Magnus had to admit, his apartment was the biggest in the building, but still, you never knew when the mood for some 20s music and dancing would hit you. 

He shrugged off his jacket, not even bothering to look where it landed. Magnus stretched his arms, making his way toward the living room, sitting down on one of the black leather couches the room was decorated with, the windows on the balcony wall bringing in some light. It was already getting darker, Magnus had perhaps taken much longer to walk home than he had originally intended. Not that it mattered, he didn't have that much to do after all.

He had worked some jobs during his long life, a real estate agent had been perhaps the longest job he had had. But after he had reached a certain age, it all got so tiring. His body was young and strong, it could endure whatever the world decided to throw at him, but his mind was old. He had lived a long life, and there was no end in sight. It wasn't so hard anymore however. The darkest times were when he had no one to spend his time with, no friends or lovers, that was when his life felt like a punishment. But it wasn't that way anymore.

He had met Ragnor nearly 500 years ago in Peru, which was Ragnor's jurisdiction at the time. Magnus had saved a man from getting stabbed and five minutes later he had to listen to a very pissed grim reaper when the dead man was very much alive. Magnus had vowed then to save every person on Ragnor's list and so their paths crossed every so often. Catarina had been one of those people, though in truth it wasn't that simple. Magnus had known her in her past life and saved her from being burned at the stake in the 1600s. Only few people could be reborn with the same looks as their previous life, but Magnus had recognized Catarina immediately, though approaching her had been a little harder. Dot, in Magnus' opinion, was the most curious one of his friends; she had passed by Magnus and Ragnor once and commented on Ragnor's hat, which was very unusual considering grim reapers are invisible to humans when they wore their hats. Ragnor had almost had a stroke, but Magnus had only laughed.

Sometimes his life wasn't lonely at all, not in the slightest, even if his companions were all one stranger than the other. 

Magnus stood up then, breathed deep and walked over to the kitchen. It was the smallest room in his loft, since he so very rarely made any food for himself. He had acquired many estates and shares during his long life, and so actually working for money had become rather unnecessary. So he could very well afford to eat at restaurants every day, though sometimes Dot insisted on bringing him some of her homemade food. 

He put the kettle on the stove, he had craved some calming green tea all day. As the water boiled he moved around the small kitchen, rummaging through cabinets for something to eat. He wasn't particularly hungry, but he had an odd craving for some snacks. He pulled out a mug and a bag of tea, checking on the water to see if it was boiling over. Once the kettle started to screech he lifted it off the stove, pouring the burning hot water into the mug. He let the tea bag bop in the water while he made his way to his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes, perhaps his satin robes if he managed to find it.

Magnus figured he should shower, but thought to himself that he might as well do it in the morning since he was already getting too tired. It was almost 9 o'clock and Magnus hadn't been one to stay up late, at least not after he had turned 500. Maybe he someday would again, if there would be something keeping him up at nights, something like say, a gorgeous man with beautifully dark hair. He had tried to distract himself all day, but it was no use - thoughts of Alec made their way into his mind no matter what he did. It was almost like Ragnor had said; Magnus barely knew the man and yet he was already thinking about him in his apartment, perhaps wearing nothing other than one of his robes, or perhaps they were drinking champagne on the balcony or doing something far more interesting in Magnus' bedroom. Or on the balcony, Magnus figured he would be open for pretty much anything if it came to Alec. 

He was so entranced by Alec it was almost ridiculous. And as Magnus sat on his lush couch, drinking his expensive tea, he knew he was missing something. It had been sometime since he had last had another person in his loft, sharing all that space with him. He had gotten used to living alone, but he missed the warmth and the presence of another person as well. He supposed he couldn't help it, he had not been made to spend his life alone.

It was all very ironic, since he was immortal after all. He was made  _exactly_ to spend his life alone - and his life just so happened to be an eternity.

He sighed, setting his empty mug on the glass table in front of him. It was nearly 10 o'clock, Magnus supposed time ran faster when you were caught up in fantasies of a man you had just met that day. He rolled his eyes at himself as he made his way into the bedroom. Perhaps a good night's sleep was exactly what he needed. 

-

When he woke up the next morning, he did feel more refreshed than he had in a long time - maybe it was the calming tea, or the thought of Alec next to him that had him feeling 10 years younger. As he sat up he glanced at the clock on the bedside table and sighed. It was almost 9, which meant that he should get to the coffee shop quickly if he wanted to avoid the inevitable brunch rush. 

Magnus groaned as he rose from the bed - he had not been made for early mornings that was for sure. Not that 9 was _that_ early either, but Magnus was used to staying in bed until at least 11. Though he knew he could just stay home and not go to the coffee shop, but he also really wanted to see Alec again.

The floors were cold, Magnus had broken the underfloor heating some weeks before in an accident that Ragnor still claimed was not possible. He tiptoed around his room, looking for his black slippers that usually were by the bed, but right this morning had decided to hide from Magnus. Maybe he should do something about his habit of to just tossing things around, that way they probably would be at their rightful places and he wouldn't have to look for them every morning. 

He yawned as he wrapped himself in his robe, not even bothering to find out where he had tossed his clothes the previous night. Not that he was the type to wear the same outfit for two consecutive days, either. 

Magnus figured he could avoid making breakfast if he got something to eat from the coffee shop, and so he made his way towards his closet. It was a large room, since the loft had three bedrooms but Magnus knew he would never need the third one, so he made much better use of the space and turned it into a closet. It was very sleek, tastefully decorated and to be honest Magnus probably spent most of his time there - after all, he had a habit of sometimes changing into three different outfits throughout the day. 

He chose a simple black shirt matched with a red scarf and his dark studded coat. His shoes were black as well, matching his black hair and dark eyes that he smudged with his favorite eyeliner, the one that always gave his eyes such depth. He also wore his good luck necklace, the one he wore basically every day, though he could not remember who had given it to him, but he knew it was old. Maybe even as old as he himself was, who knew.

He was feeling surprisingly chipper as he made his way outside, the sun shining on the sky, though the cold winds stole all of its warmth. The way to the coffee shop was a surprisingly short one now that Magnus wasn't caught up in his own world, and even though it was still quite early, there were loads of other people on the move as well, and the streets were rather cluttered. It didn't slow him down however, and as if no time had passed at all, he could already see the somewhat familiar brick wall with the green sign on it.

At the door he hesitated for a brief moment before pulling it open, a little ringing sound signifying his arrival. 

And there was that feeling again, that  _fluttering,_ as Magnus looked at Alec. The sight of him awoke an odd feeling inside Magnus, he didn't really have words to describe it with. It wasn't longing, or sadness, it was this heavy feeling in his chest, pressing down on his heart. It was something he hadn't felt in a very long time, if ever. Whenever he laid eyes on Alec, his heart would start pounding, his breathing getting heavier as well. Maybe he was coming down with something - good thing he had taken a habit of visiting Catarina at the hospital.

The lights in the shop were bright, illuminating Alec's face beautifully, contrasting the curve of his jaw and the hollows under his cheekbones. Magnus was sure if he was close enough, he could see Alec's long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks. He was absolutely breathtaking: his dark hair messy, sticking out in every possible direction, his shirt coffee stained and his green-and-black apron wrinkled. 

Magnus swayed on his feet for a second before clearing his throat. For a brief moment he felt as though he might faint, but he steadied his steps, reaching the counter nevermind his rapidly beating heart. He leaned on the counter, Alec's fingers tapping against it as he waited for Magnus' order.

"Can I get your number? Because I like you a  _latte_ ", he said with a grin, his smile spreading even wider when Alec chuckled in response. The taller man shook his head lightly, his unique lopsided smile a breathtaking sight for Magnus. 

"That wasn't very original", Alec replied, a small smile still lingering on his lips, "I hear that one almost weekly."

"Well it's a good one", Magnus added innocently, though he could almost feel jealousy brewing in the pit of his stomach over the thought of so many people hitting on Alec. 

"I think you can do better"

"Do you think of me a lot then?", Magnus asked, now fully leaning against the counter, his hands only inches away from Alec's. As Alec laughed at his comment, he could feel a smile tugging at his lips. Alec really was way too adorable for his own good. 

"At least he can't stop talking about you", the other barista chimed in, causing Alec's face to turn a very alarming shade of red rather quickly.

"Really?", Magnus teased, turning to look at the other barista, Maia as it said on her name tag, who was diligently wiping the counter beside them. Magnus thought she was quite pretty, with brown eyes, curly hair and a quirky smile that turned effortlessly into a devilish grin when she saw the blush creeping across Alec's features. 

"Yup, can't shut up about you or your fancy hair", she continued, giving Alec a playful side-eye.

"Maia!", Alec scolded, but she only laughed.

"What? I'm just saying"

"Can you not say anything and just make the damn coffee", Alec muttered.

Magnus laughed softly at their exchange, shaking his head as he turned to look outside of the large windows that decorated the entire front side of the shop. The sun had yet again gone stubbornly hiding behind the clouds that were turning darker by the minute. Magnus sighed, yet again wishing he had brought an umbrella. 

He turned to look back at Alec then, who was getting over his initial mortification. "So, you think my hair is fancy?"

Alec didn't say anything for a few moments, only ran his fingers through his hair, making it even messier than it was. His blush had faded for the most part, but Magnus' comment brought some of it back. Alec looked down at his feet, shuffling them before quickly stealing a glance at Magnus. He huffed a laugh, "yeah, it's kinda cool."

Magnus smiled warmly at him as Maia brought him his coffee. 

"I'll see you tomorrow", he said with a wink before turning to leave. 

He could hear Maia and Alec bickering quietly before Alec let out a faint 'ow', no doubt because Maia had elbowed him to the gut, and then a small "bye" from Alec. It had him smiling the whole way to his loft.

It was getting chillier, shivers ran through Magnus as he stepped outside, the sun bright nevermind the clouds and he raised his hand to use as a shade until his eyes got used to the sudden brightness. He started walking then, not entirely sure where to, and he looked at the burning hot coffee mug in his hands. He didn't even like coffee, so perhaps he should visit Catarina then, as he had planned the other day. She would absolutely love him for swinging by with the coffee, and would probably stop teasing him about Alec as well. She had told Ragnor too, about Magnus' slightly awkward second-meeting with Alec. Those two were always snickering behind his back, though he had the means to blackmail both of them in retaliation.

It was a comfortable friendship the three of them shared.

But no matter how Magnus tried to distract himself, thoughts of Alec seemed to drip into his mind. The line of his jaw, the color of his eyes, the stubble he had, how it would feel if it were to brush against Magnus' skin. He thought of his low voice, how rough it could sound, and whether his breath would be warm against his skin, or a little cool. Were his eyes really that hazel, or did they have a more greenish tone to them if he were to see them up close, did they have golden specs flowing in the midst of all that brown. How his lips would feel against his, how calloused his hands would feel gripping onto his skin...

Magnus shook his head, trying to get a hold of himself before he would have a random heart attack. Ragnor would surely laugh his ass off if Magnus were to die because of his silly crush on that absolutely-gorgeous-too-tall-for-his-own-good-Alec. Even the thought of his name sent shivers running through him. Magnus was sure this was going to keep him up all night. 

He stopped for a moment, turning around to briefly look back at the coffee shop. It looked quite quaint, the building had a warm tone to it due to the red brick walls, and the green sign hanging beside the door looked inviting. Magnus could see people walking in and out of the shop with incredible pace, he figured many others liked the coffee there as well. He made a mental note to get there early on, so he could flirt with his Alec in peace, only Maia laughing at his cliché lines. 

The habit formed quite easily then. Every day he would go get coffee from that coffee shop, he would try to get Alec's number with a different pick-up line each day and Maia would try to coax Alec into saying yes, claiming that she was "getting sick of Alec being all lovey-dovey" instead of "a stoic serial-killer type". According to Alec, Maia used to make a lot of jokes about Alec either being a robot or a murderer on the run. 

"No, I mean it! I was convinced he was going to kill me!", Maia exclaimed, almost dropping the mug she had been holding.

Magnus was laughing so much his stomach was hurting, though Alec seemed only slightly amused. Perhaps he had heard the story of his job interview more times than necessary. 

"So what will you have?", he asked then, a little too eager to change the embarrassing subject.

"A coffee, as usual", Magnus responded simply, enjoying the confused expression decorating Alec's features, wondering where Magnus' usual cheesy pick-up line was. "But go easy on the sugar, you're sweet enough for me."

Alec rolled his eyes as he went to make his order, a gentle smile on his lips, though he did not notice the subtle high-five Magnus and Maia shared. "That was a good one", she whispered, leaning across the counter, "I almost thought you had him there for a sec."

"Well I'm just getting started", he said with a sly smile, admiring the view in front of him as Alec prepared his coffee. 

Maia chuckled softly, turning a little to look at Alec as well. 

"What?", he asked as he turned around with the coffee, his brows furrowing slightly in confusion as he saw the two of them watching him.

"Nothing, nothing", Maia said, returning to her work. 

Magnus tapped his fingers against the counter and cocked his head slightly to the right. Alec returned his look, his usual shyness long gone.

"Here's your coffee."

Magnus looked at him for a while longer, contemplating whether or not he should just give up the little game they had been playing and ask Alec out right then and there. His gaze flickered to the coffee Alec had placed on the counter, his eyes scanning the beautifully written name there, with curves and hooks and all. 

"I'll see you tomorrow then", he said finally as he took the coffee and turned to leave, waving goodbye to Maia as well as Alec.

-

"You know, you don't have to bring me coffee  _everyday_ ", Catarina said as she spotted Magnus all the way from the reception, holding the coffee that Catarina had gotten quite used to Magnus bringing her everyday.

"I know", Magnus said innocently as he made his way toward her, "but you're my good friend and-"

"You go there to see Alec, don't you?", she interrupted him, her ever-stoic expression once again present. Magnus thought that she and Alec would probably get along swimmingly, since they both could easily pass as statues with their unconcerned expressions. 

"Well the coffee is good."

"Magnus you don't drink coffee", she said as she pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing deep before continuing, " and you do know they serve tea too, right?"

"Well, tea doesn't go along with my pick-up lines"

Catarina just looked at him with clear disappointment in her eyes, crossing her arms across her chest as she studied him. "I highly doubt that."

"But now that I'm here, I do have something I needed to ask you", Magnus said as he leaned against the counter.

Catarina furrowed her brows, shifting her weight from one foot to another as she waited for Magnus to continue.

"Should I just ask Alec out outright or-", he began before Catarina cut him off with a wave of her hand.

"Magnus, I really don't have time for this", she said, "if it's not life or death, call Ragnor"

"I- wait, I didn't know Ragnor knew how to use a phone!"

"Goodbye Magnus", Catarina said with an excessive eyeroll, dismissing Magnus.

"This opens up so many new avenues", Magnus muttered more to himself than anyone else, already coming up with ways to mess with Ragnor. He quickly tapped his fingers on the counter before heading for the doors, trying his best to stay out of the way of the doctors and nurses running in the lobby. 

Once outside, he could see that the sun had once again decided to hide behind the ever-darkening clouds, promising rain. He was missing the summer sun, maybe autumn wasn't his favorite season after all. He missed the warmth especially as the cold winds blew past him, sending shivers running through him. He wondered if it were too much to ask for one last sunny day before fall, before winter.

The rest of his day went by in a haze. He had promised some days ago to help Dot with her antique shop since she had gotten a lot of new stuff and needed some help with the organizing. And Magnus welcomed the busy schedule and the demanding tasks, for they didn't leave him a moment to think of anything else, or to worry or overthink as he often did. It was almost as if he had actually missed working, and he did consider if he should start working full-time again, like he had some centuries ago.

"I think you should do it", Dot said from behind the piles of books she was currently rearranging, "it would do you good."

"You think so?"

"Yes, and you can start with those vases I have in the back", she said then, gesturing towards the back room without looking up from the books. He sighed as he stood up, dodging piles of all different types of items on his way to the antique vases. He had always rather enjoyed Dot's little shop and had often spent time there too, chatting with Dorothea or helping her out, just as he did right then. The shop had that certain type of calming energy that other places just couldn't match, and the smell of old books was one Magnus had always enjoyed. 

Dot was also a little different from Cat and Ragnor. She loved talking as much as Magnus did and they had a shared love for the 20s and often listened old records of swing music she had in the shop. She was never too busy to chat with Magnus about anything, and loved hearing the stories Magnus still remembered. She loved history and Magnus had lived through a lot of it, so they were that type of dream team. 

"Also, did you hear that Ragnor has a phone?", Magnus yelled from the backroom, his voice carrying easily through the otherwise quiet shop.

He could hear some distant rumbling and soon enough Dot peeked her head through the doorway. "No way", she exclaimed, just as baffled as Magnus had been when Cat had revealed it to him.

"Uh-huh, so you know what this means"

"Prank calls!", they both shouted at the same time, wide smiles on both their faces as they high-fived. Catarina had often made a good point of saying that Magnus and Dot could be like Hansel and Gretel, blindly going into a witch's lair just to get some candy.

Dot chuckled as she returned to the old books, probably already coming up with a great plan to tease Ragnor with. Perhaps the two of them were even more similar than Magnus had initially thought.

Magnus was very glad that he had found such different friends, for they were a great help to him in so different areas of his life. Catarina was undeniably the voice of reason and she gave great advice, though if it had something to do with Magnus' love life, he often went straight to Dot. But Ragnor was the only one who was also immortal and the only one Magnus could ever tell about the things that bothered him on that area. He was indeed very lucky, since it was surprisingly hard to make friends when you were immortal and a monster to most people. 

-

The following day Magnus found himself once again making his way toward the already so familiar coffee shop. The weather had yet to change, though Magnus remained positive that the sun would come out eventually, as it always did. 

He hummed an old song on his way there, it was one of his favorites, though the lyrics had become hard to remember these days. But the melody was pleasant and had a very special way of cheering him up. It was an often unknown part of being immortal - sometimes you were the only one alive who remembered certain things, and it could be especially bothersome if you for example wanted to know the title of a song, but were the only one who knew it.

Magnus walked along the rather quiet streets, idly kicking a rock on his path, watching as it veered off only to come to a halt once reaching a wall. It was a beautiful day, even if the sky was covered in clouds and the winds were cold, seeping through the dark blue coat Magnus was wearing. He had his hands in his pockets and a light bounce to his step as well. It was indeed a beautiful day. 

"Alec! Dashingly handsome with the studded jacket is here again!", Maia yelled instantly as Magnus stepped through the door, "though he's not wearing the studded jacket!"

"Hello to you too, Maia", Magnus said with a smile as he walked across the shop, looking around him as he went. Today there were some other customers as well, sitting quietly at their tables, drinking their coffees. It was still quite peaceful, the morning rush was over but the afternoon rush was yet to come. As always, Magnus was impeccable with his timing. 

He walked to the counter, leaning forward a bit as he tapped his freshly painted nails against the polished surface. Maia was smiling next to him as she wiped the glass, and Magnus saw the reason why as he raised his eyes to meet Alec's, who just then came from the backroom.

An almost crimson blush was adorning his cheeks, his eyes locked on his feet as they so often were. His hands were a little fidgety, and Magnus thought he looked as handsome as ever.  

"Hi Magnus", he said, his voice quiet and soft, something Magnus would surely enjoy listening to for hours on end.

"I'd like my daily coffee, please", Magnus said with a smile. 

"What, no line?", Alec asked, his usual lopsided smile a familiar sight for Magnus, "did you give up that easily?"

Magnus didn't answer, only shrugged as a response. He liked the idea that Alec looked forward to his visits and his terrible coffee puns. Maia had confirmed his suspicion one time, saying that Alec had a habit of peeking out of the windows as he waited for him and that he had started to dress better as well. Magnus liked the thought of that quite much.

He smiled as Alec handed him his coffee, "wow, this coffee is hot", he said before raising his eyes to meet Alec's, "but you're hotter." 

Alec laughed out loud at that, gripping the counter for balance. Magnus could even hear Maia snickering somewhere in the backroom where she had retreated once Magnus had arrived. He decided then that Alec's laugh was his absolute favorite sound in the entire world and that he would never tire of it. 

"Well, I'll see you two tomorrow", he said, "unless you have something else for me? Like, say, a phone number?"

Alec was still smiling, though the laughter had died down, and he shook his head lightly at Magnus' comment. 

"Bye, Magnus", he said, his eyes still crinkled from the laughing.

Magnus left without saying anything else, wondering how much longer Alec was going to continue their little cat-and-mouse-game. Magnus had never been one to chase people who didn't want him, but Alec had yet to reject him, with words or otherwise. He seemed to like him too, if his blushing and shyness was any indication, so Magnus wondered if he would need more incentive from him. If he should try to ask him out properly, and maybe in a more secluded place without any prying eyes. Perhaps then he would be more keen on saying yes, after all he didn't seem like a very public person, as opposed to Magnus who had lived a very public life once or twice during his immortal lifetime.

It seemed like Magnus couldn't do much without thinking of Alec, that man had absolutely consumed Magnus' entire life. He thought of Alec as he walked home, thinking how it would feel to hold his hand in his, or perhaps even share a quick kiss under the lamppost near the coffee shop. He thought of him as he sat down on his couch, thinking what it would be like to sit there together with him, watching a sitcom or some sappy movie Magnus knew Alec would like. He thought of his hazel eyes as he made himself tea, he thought of his dark hair as he let the water beat against his back in the shower, he thought of his smile as he prepared the food Dot had brought him while he was out, he thought of his voice as he looked over the city on his balcony. 

He just couldn't get enough of him. 

-

The long awaited rain came the next morning. The heavy downpour pounding against the rooftops had awoken Magnus a little too early for his taste, but he found the hardest part was not getting out of bed, but getting out of the building. He had been standing in the lobby for a few moments, watching the rainstorm and trying to figure out where exactly he had left his umbrella. He had searched his entire loft but could not find it, but it didn't seem to be hiding in the building lobby either. Not that his umbrella would do much good in this weather, since those heavy winds would tear it apart.

He had spent way too much time picking his outfit and doing his hair to just let the rain ruin all of it.

Though before he could actually figure out his plan of action, he could feel his phone buzzing in the pocket of his coat. He knew it was Dot instantly, without looking at the screen, since Ragnor could barely use his phone and Cat hated talking on the phone and always opted for texting instead. And essentially no one else even had his number save for the few people at the companies he owned.

"Hi, Dot"

 _"Hi Mags, I'm so glad you picked up - I could really use your help",_ Dot answered at the other end of the line.

"Why, what happened?", Magnus asked, his brows furrowing in worry.

_"Nothing that bad, it's just that a shipment of books was misplaced and now I need someone to help me with these millions of books!"_

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound very urgent."

_"I'm not exaggerating, there are literally a million books here and customers are gonna start coming soon and-"_

"Alright, alright, I'll come over", Magnus cut her before she would spiral out of control. After Dot's dozens of thank you's Magnus hanged up the phone and looked around. He still wasn't going to walk in the rain, though Dot's shop wasn't that far away. So he figured he might as well call a cab since the rain wasn't going to stop and it was unlikely his umbrella would decide to show up anytime soon. Magnus made a mental note of buying a new one as he dialed the number.

He waited for his ride in the lobby, lightly bouncing on his heels, his hands clasped behind his back. The morning was still quite early and the building was quiet, the rumbling of the storm outside the only thing keeping Magnus company. The clouds were moving at a rapid rate, and Magnus had to run once the car was outside his door so he wouldn't get too soaked. He gave the driver the address of Dot's shop and leaned his head back, trying pat away the water on his clothes. 

The drive was fast, though Dot's shop wasn't that close to Magnus' loft, and he briefly considered if he should buy a taxi company so he'd get free rides from then on. Walking everywhere was just bothersome - especially if you never had an umbrella - and Magnus was sure he would never take the bus again, even if he would run into another Alec. It was just such a hassle.

"Oh, Magnus thank God you're here!", Dot exclaimed once the taxi pulled over and Magnus stepped outside. Dot was almost soaked through, her hands shivering as she tried to carry the boxes inside. They were covered with plastic and some umbrellas Dot had managed to find, but the water had still found its way through some of them and it would only get harder to carry them inside as time passed. Dot had definitely not exaggerated; there were at least 25 boxes still outside and Dot explained that she had carried at least 10 inside before Magnus had arrived. 

He got to work then, carrying the boxes inside as fast as he could while Dot complained about the whole ordeal - how the delivery company just dumped the boxes outside and how she would never have any room for the books and how they would get ruined in the rain and how they had even mixed the billing address. Her constant chatter was a background noise for their work, Magnus only providing some comments here and there. 

Magnus was soon soaked through as well, even more so when Dot had to open the shop for business when some customers started showing up and Magnus had to continue the work on his own. It had been early morning when Dot called him, but when all of the boxes were inside, safe and sound, it was already some time past noon. Dot had started to make room for the books while Magnus took a small break, watching as the rain faded to some small drizzling. He was drinking some of the fruit tea that Dot always had, the one that tasted a little too bitter for his own taste, while he sat in front of the window.

There weren't currently any customers so it was peacefully quiet, only Dot cursing every now and then when she dropped a heavy book on her toes. No matter the rain and his wet clothes, Magnus had quite enjoyed working and started to actually consider starting full-time somewhere. He knew Dot would appreciate his help here, and he figured he should ask her some other day, since right now she was already too busy to think of it.

"If you were thinking of buying 10 antique books in ancient Swedish, now is your chance", he could hear Dot holler from the other room. He laughed at the remark, shaking his head lightly. 

"I'll keep that in mind."

"What time is it by the way?"

Magnus glanced at the old clock hanging on the wall, placing his empty mug on the table next to him as well, "it's nearly 4 o'clock."

"So about time for my break then", Dot said as she walked to him, wiping her dusty hands on her T-shirt. Magnus yawned lightly as she sat next to him, both of them quite beat from all the heavy lifting and running back and forth in the pouring rain. Magnus glanced out of the window, he could see that the storm would soon start up again, at least if the dark grey clouds were any indication. He and Dot sat together in comfortable silence, though Magnus was quite sure Dot had dozed off when she leaned her head on his shoulder some minutes ago. 

The shop was small, most of the light came from the streets, through the large windows that covered an entire wall. The overhead lighting was small, dim, barely even providing any light, and Magnus thought the shop seemed to turn darker by the minute. The bookshelves were on the right side of the shop, the cash register opposite them on a mahogany counter. Everything was very elegant, dark shades and sleek surfaces, the smell of dust and old books in the air.

Magnus sighed contently as he turned his head to look again at the old clock, it was already nearing evening. He could tell winter was nearing, for it was already getting darker though it was barely afternoon. Dot stirred beside him, she had definitely been sleeping, and they both got up to go find places for the remaining books still lying on the floor or in their boxes. 

"So, I was talking to Cat the other day and she said that you found some new boy-"

"Boy? He's 25 at least so jot that down."

Dot squinted her eyes at him, but her smile gave her away. "Well good, 'cause I was scared that you were gonna become some sugar daddy and I'm not sure how I would've felt about that."

Magnus laughed out loud then, his eyes crinkling as he grabbed the book shelf for balance. "I'm barely older than him."

"Magnus you're 982 years old", Dot said with an overly exasperated tone.

"But I was born early in the year, so I'm actually a year younger," he said with a wink, his eyes lighting up as Dot laughed at his joke, "besides, my fake ID says I'm thirty so  _technically_ I'm only 5 years older than him."

"Well, at least he's over 20 so I don't have to call the cops on you."

"And we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

They both laughed then, their task of rearranging the books put briefly on pause. Magnus had always quite enjoyed his and Dot's easy chemistry, the way it was always easy to talk and joke with her, the way they always seemed to be on the same page about things.

"I could use some coffee, though. If you could go see your overly tall boyfriend at the coffee shop that Cat always talks so highly of?", Dot said after a while, leaning on the bookshelf, feigning weariness. They had talked of Alec, but somehow it was the mention of coffee that reminded Magnus that he had not in fact visited Alec at all that day. His head snapped up to see what time it was, though he had no idea when the coffee shop closed or if Alec even worked evenings.

"Oh shit", he muttered and stood up, dusting off his clothes, "Dot, how do I look?"

"I'd rather not say", she said with a grimace as she looked him over.

"Well, love is blind, right?"

"Yes, but you barely know the man."

"Dot, don't rain on my parade", he said, already running out of the shop.

The rain was falling hard, Magnus could feel it running down his face, seeping through his clothes as he made his way to the coffee shop. He wasn't entirely sure of the way, and the water made everything more hazy, causing Magnus to almost get hit by a car twice on his way there.  _The things I do for love_ , he thought as he almost ran straight into another person. He felt heavy, his soaking wet clothes were weighing him down, and it hadn't occurred to him to get a cab until just then.

He only slowed his pace when he started to recognize some of the buildings that he had walked by so many times, indicating that he was getting close. Only then did he start to worry that Alec might not actually be there, if the shop itself even was open, and that he might think that Magnus had given up. It was actually quite the opposite, and he wanted to tell Alec so, too. 

Once he laid eyes on the comforting green sign, he stopped to breathe. The rain was still pouring, though the rough winds had died down by then. The icy cold water beat down against him, and he was shivering all over. He leaned on his knees, trying to see from afar if the shop was still open, though it was already getting too dark to see. He bowed his head in defeat and straightened his back before slowly turning around to leave.

 _You idiot,_ he thought to himself, finally admitting what a stupid idea it had been since clearly the shop was closed. What had he exactly thought he'd achieve by running here? Did he foolishly think that Alec might wait for him, or that he even cared? His friends seemed to be quite right about his tendency to romanticize things and get too excited too fast. He definitely fooled himself, and gave up on the idea that Alec might've waited for him in this God forsaken weather.

"Magnus?"

The voice made him stop walking, and he slowly turned around to see Alec standing by the coffee shop, shivering under an umbrella. He huffed in disbelief, not quite believing his eyes. 

"How long have you been here?", Magnus asked once he reached Alec, surprise written all over his features. 

"My shift ended two hours ago and I just... stayed"

Magnus smiled faintly, not entirely sure what to think. "You waited for me for two hours?"

"Look who's talking", Alec said sarcastically, gesturing toward Magnus' wet clothes. He laughed then, looking down to see water dripping down his clothes, his hair flat against his head and his make-up smudged. 

"You thought I wouldn't come?", he asked, painfully aware of how close he and Alec were standing. Alec scratched his head nervously, averting his gaze.

"I thought I had been too rude or something, that you thought I wasn't interested."

"You drove me insane is what you did", Magnus said with a chuckle, "I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"Me either."

Magnus thought they were both idiots, standing under an umbrella in pouring rain, both thinking the other hadn't cared. Alec glanced down, Magnus could see he was blushing a bit, the street lights faintly illuminating his silvery skin and his ink black hair. Magnus took a cautious step closer to him, so Alec was now between Magnus and the brick wall, though he left him enough room to back out if he wanted to. 

Alec raised his eyes to meet his, and took a deep breath before nodding shortly, and then Magnus' lips were on his. It was intoxicating, and as Alec's lips moved against his, Magnus briefly forgot how to breathe. His hands almost instinctively moved to grab Alec's arms, his grip tight on his coat before he remembered to relax. He let his arms drop to Alec's hips, pulling him closer, and he moved so easily. Alec's hands were on his neck, warm despite the coldness, and Magnus deepened the kiss.

Alec pecked hungrily at his lips, running his fingers on Magnus' jaw, his neck and through his wet hair. The umbrella was lying abandoned by their feet, the rain now falling on both of them, and Magnus could taste the saltiness of it on Alec's lips. They moved well together, as if they had done this a thousand times before, and Magnus could feel Alec grinning a bit against him. Magnus' fingers were tracing circles on his hips, untugging his shirt and finding the soft skin underneath. Alec shuddered as the cold air touched his skin, but he pulled Magnus closer all the same so he was now pressed against the cold brick wall.

When they broke apart for air, Alec let his hands loosen, and rest on Magnus' shoulders. Magnus leaned forward a bit, his forehead against Alec's as rain poured over them.

"I wanna take you home", Magnus slurred, his eyes partly closed, savoring the moment, "let me take you home - please, just come home with me."

"I can't, not tonight."

"Why? I'll make it so good, let me be good to you", he said, his voice soft and syrupy and he raised his eyes to meet Alec's, whose pupils were blown wide, making his eyes seem way darker than Magnus knew they were. 

"I- I have homework."

"What?", Magnus said, a chuckle escaping between his lips as he pulled further away from Alec so he could properly see him, "what do you study?"

"Law", he replied simply, his eyes darting back and forth between Magnus' eyes and lips, indecisive. 

Magnus pressed a quick peck at the corner of his lips, "then when can I see you again?"

Alec chased his lips as he pulled away, his eyes hungry for more. "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah", Alec said, his voice raspy and his eyes locked on Magnus' lips.

"Alright, I suppose I can wait that long", he said, pressing a quick kiss on Alec's lips again before raising his eyes, "you're such a  _tea_ se."

Alec laughed then, fully leaning against the wall, his eyes crinkled and his lopsided smile making Magnus' breath hitch. 

"I hate your puns."

"You wish."

-

 


	3. Chapter 3

**lost memories.**

**April, 1746**

 

It had been so painless, after all, to fall in love with him. His gentle smile, the softness he still possessed in his soul. It had bewitched Magnus, utterly and completely, as love often did. And right then, in the warmth of the nearing summer, he could still remember the day he had first seen him - his uniform was neat, not even a tiniest wrinkle was visible, and his smile was wide, his eyes gleaming midst all the warfare. Magnus had ignored his bloodied hands and the dust on his collar, he had been too caught up with the smile. Maybe it was always the smile he fell for, and the eyes.

His eyes were green, like the deepest forest when the sun was shining though the leaves, painting everything more golden. And he, too, had golden specs floating among the green, though with time Magnus could see them darkening to brown, and then black. The gold left him as time did. 

Like many things, their love had been so mindlessly ordinary, Magnus hadn't even truly realized the course of all things until that very moment as he sat on the bloodied ground, surrounded by death, holding him. It was only then that he knew. 

_I love you._

The words couldn't pass his lips, his mouth opening and closing, silent tears falling down his cheeks, dotting his uniform. He could feel him stirring, his hands gripping onto Magnus, pulling him down. His lips were chapped, his eyes searching for somewhere to settle, his beautiful green eyes that used to be full of life, were now dying. And the moment felt familiar to Magnus, so much that the sorrow, and the painful push and pull in his heart, was like greeting an old friend. And yet, it was like the first death he had experienced. It had been nearly 600 years, and remembering wasn't easy. Magnus didn't know how many he had lost before this one. Ten? Twenty-five? A hundred? Or none? If he couldn't remember, had they mattered? Had they existed? He felt guilty for not remembering, in his mind that was the sole purpose of his life. To remember. 

_I love you._

But he could not say it. The pain had numbed him - he could barely feel the tight grip the man had on his arms, he could barely hear the guns around him, he could barely see the blood. And he could not speak, not even knowing he would never be able to say those words again, not to him. And before he had met him, he had been sure that those three little words had already lost all meaning to him. He had lived a long time, and though he could not remember the people, he remembered the time, and the feelings. He had loved before, he had been hurt before, why would this one be any different? He had been perhaps a little too cynical about it, about love. But like all the times before, he fell for this one too. And suddenly the words held all the meaning that he thought they could no longer possess. But after all, he had thought it a blessing to be able to say them again, and mean them.

_I love you._

In small moments like that one, Magnus lost the concept of time. How long had he been sitting there, an hour, a day, or less? Had only a second passed since he had fallen on his knees, blood silently seeping through his uniform. How long had Magnus held him, an hour or just a minute? The fall itself had felt like hours, the loud  _thump_ of the bullet, and then the pain, and screaming. And now, when it was quiet, only Magnus' breathing and the whispering of the winds letting someone, anyone, know that there was still life here. That he still lived here. The moor was quiet, the guns and the cannons had long since been silenced. Only he remained. Perhaps, after 600 years, he should get used to being the only one to remain.

He knew the man in his arms had been dead for some time, for Magnus could no longer feel the warmth of his skin, or hear his ragged breathing. His once so beautiful eyes, green like the grass and the moor and the forest, were now empty. No life remained there. He had wished he could've told him one last time how he loved him, how he would miss him, how his heart had died alongside him. How the same bullet had killed both of them. But in truth he knew it wasn't about that. He had known in his last seconds, in his last moments, he had known how he was loved. He had known, for it was Magnus' tears that now had dried on his red and white uniform, and it was his blood on Magnus' hands. He must've known. So it wasn't about that, the pain in his heart. It was a familiar feeling, and as he sat there on the grass, he knew it wasn't heartbreak, it wasn't loss, but it was his silent apology, for he would not be able to remember him. 

He would mourn now, but as time would pass, his memory would betray him once more and take him away. The brave green-eyed soldier boy, who had loved Magnus. And Magnus had loved him. 

"I'm sorry", he whispered into the wind, his voice low and silent, rough but clear. There was nothing else for him to say, for despite his promises, he would not be able to remember him, or cherish their time together. Time wasn't forgiving, it only took and took and never gave anything in return. It never healed, only anesthetized. 

-

"I want to remember you"

 

"I'm sorry I can't"

 


	4. Chapter 4

**present day.**

 

Magnus couldn't remember the times before, but he knew it was all happening again. 

He knew it whenever Alec laughed at his lame jokes, he knew it whenever his heart fluttered when Alec smiled that lopsided smile of his. He knew it whenever they kissed, he knew it every time Alec shamelessly flirted with him while they were playing pool. It had all been very ordinary, painless and easy. It was as if it had been that way for always. As if Alec had been there from the start and had never left. He was just another in Magnus' life, another person he would certainly fall head over heels in love with. He had known Alec for a little over two months and he cared for him deeply, though he didn't dare to call it love just yet. 

And he had hoped it wouldn't be that way, that he would never care for him more than he could handle. But it was all happening so fast, the feelings and the ticking of time Magnus could almost hear, and more than anything he just wished he could hit the brakes, and enjoy it all while it lasted. For he knew it couldn't last nearly as long as he wanted.

Alec was young, Magnus knew it, and if he wanted to they could be together for five, ten, twenty-five years easily. Even more than that, if Alec would stay. But it was something Magnus had experienced too many times, the ache and the pain of losing someone he loved. And if he stayed with Alec, he knew he would grow to love him deeply, completely and utterly. So much that it would consume him, pull him down and wear him out. 

He was selfish as well, for he wanted to keep Alec no matter the pain it would inevitably cause for both of them. He didn't want five or ten years, he wanted fifty and sixty more years with him, he wanted all the time he could possibly get. He wanted all of it with him, and it pained him, it killed him inside knowing he shouldn't. He shouldn't love him, he shouldn't keep him. He should let him go while he still could and then forget him, as he always did.

It was a painful reality, and it hit him harder each passing day.

That night they had both been drinking too much wine, the cheap kind that Alec had bought some weeks before, and they had only giggled as they removed each other's clothes, and their kisses had been more teeth than anything else, their breaths smelling like the chinese food they had been eating that night. It had been wonderful all the same, it had been so ordinary, so  _them._ Alec had a very special way of making Magnus feel utterly normal too, like there was nothing special about them, or him.

And as Magnus laid awake on the bed, thinking of their inevitable goodbyes, his heart broke. He had never been so good with letting people go, at learning how to be alone after being together for so long and as he stared at the back of Alec's neck, he felt the incessant need to shift closer to him, to wrap him in his arms and hold him dear. He never wanted to let him go. And he could feel the painful push and pull in his heart, telling him he needed to leave before he would fall in love. He knew after that he no longer could. 

"Magnus?"

His voice was raspy, yet soft, his little snores pausing as he turned around, shifting closer to Magnus. Perhaps he was dreaming, Magnus hoped it was something nice.

"I'm here."

Alec came to him, his whole body radiating warmth, though the tips of his toes felt cold as his legs wrapped around Magnus'. He smiled, raising his hand to run through Alec's ink black hair, his head resting in the crook of Magnus' neck. It was cold outside, and the brisk air often found its way inside, for the nearing winter had engulfed everything, the roads and the houses, and the people as well. The September rains were long gone then, making room for the November snows.

Magnus stroked Alec's hair and the side of his face, listening to his snores, watching as he fell back asleep. He looked around the room, the streetlights outside the windows the only source of light in the darkness.

Alec's apartment was small, though Magnus had been surprised to see how new it was, with its modern surfaces and cozy furniture. They spent most of their time there, Magnus didn't yet want to bring Alec to his loft, though he wasn't entirely sure what he was afraid of. And after all it was nice here, though his bed was a little too lumpy for Magnus' taste. 

He hadn't been able to sleep all night, he was restless and no matter the wine and their other activities, sleep evaded him. He had no idea how it had happened, how had he became this way? Whatever he did, he couldn't stop thinking of Alec. He thought of him as he ate breakfast, as he showered and as he chose his clothes for the day. He was curious about him whenever he helped Dot with the shop, the books going in all the wrong places as he only thought of his hazel eyes, his heart fluttering.

How did he fall this much for him? 

It had all happened without a word, effortlessly in the silence and the shadows, the ever-growing feelings had crept up on him. He breathed deep, the scent of Alec a comforting one, and he paused his hand, letting it fall limp on the bed. He tried to think of his past then, of the people who had shaped him into the person he was now, the person that Alec had fallen for. He couldn't remember any faces or names, the memories had been long gone, yet Magnus still tried to remember. He wanted to know the people he had once loved, he was sure he hadn't been alone for all this time, though it could sometimes certainly feel that way. 

Alec shifted again, his breath warm against Magnus' chest, maybe he was restless too. 

Magnus had tried to follow Cat's advice and not take things so seriously, and he thought he had succeeded at that for some time. It had been only two months and most of that time Magnus had been able to just enjoy his time with Alec without thinking of the future that was looming above them. But now it was getting harder and harder, for every time Magnus saw Alec, whatever it was that he felt for him, deepened. He didn't want to call it love, because if he admitted that he loved his Alexander, he would never be able to watch him go. If he loved him, he would let him destroy him.

The morning came quietly, the sun was soft on the cloudy sky as it shone through the windows, pulling them from sleep. Magnus felt tired, he had surely not slept for a minute, and getting out of the bed proved to be a rather difficult task. He could feel Alec waking up beside him, his black hair tousled and his eyes disoriented. 

"Morning", Magnus whispered, a small smile tugging at his lips as Alec yawned, his whole body stretching. 

"Mmhmm", he replied, pulling Magnus closer, not wanting the night to end and the day to start. 

Magnus chuckled as he wrapped his arms around Alec, his fingers tracing soft lines on his chest. He knew Alec had a class in a few hours, but he felt tempted to make Alec just a couple minutes late so they could enjoy the morning together. 

"I should go make some coffee", Magnus muttered as he slid out of the bed, Alec groaning in protest when the coldness reached him and there was no one to warm him up. The sight of Alec sprawled out on the bed, his hair a mess and red lines all over his hands and cheek was an adorable one and Magnus fought the urge to crawl back into bed with him as he tiptoed to the kitchen, the floors cold under his feet.

Alec's fridge was always empty and Magnus frowned as he tried to find anything to eat in the cabinets. He put the coffee maker on and found some clean mugs as well, boiling some water for his tea while the coffee brewed. He had never liked the bitter taste coffee had, and he liked how easily some green tea could calm his nerves. He had bought some of that for Alec since he now spent so many mornings at his place, and he figured he should probably start buying groceries as well since Alec was obviously quite clueless on more than one matter when it came to, well, living. 

He called for Alec when the coffee was done, and found himself quite enjoying the sight of a tired Alec, barefoot and only wearing his pajama bottoms, making his way to the kitchen. He smiled as he sipped his tea, Alec only grunting as he sat down, leaning his head on his hand as if it was too heavy to carry. 

"You look quite radiant", Magnus joked, his tone playful and his lips curving into a smile.

"Not so loudly, please", Alec muttered, his eyes still drooping.

Magnus reached out to flatten some of Alec's unruly strands of hair, softly running his fingers through it as well, enjoying how it felt under his palm. Alec parted his eyes, watching Magnus while trying to eat some of the toast that Magnus had managed to find. It was small moments like this that made Magnus feel so utterly happy, so at peace, like there was nothing in the world better than this very moment, this sunny winter morning with his fingers tangled in the hair of the most adorable man he had ever seen. He could barely believe it was true, that he got to be here, enjoying this moment without any worries, like there was no one else in the world but them. 

"Are you done?", Alec asked after some time, bringing Magnus back into the present moment.

"Oh, sorry, I got carried away", Magnus admitted, chuckling softly as he untangled his hand from Alec's hair.

"What were you thinking?"

"Huh?"

"You just, looked like you were deep in thought."

"I was just thinking if I should get a cat", Magnus lied, not wanting to burden Alec with his silly thoughts.

After they had eaten breakfast Magnus stayed behind to clean up while Alec left for school, his hair even more tousled now that Magnus had played with it. It was almost nine o'clock and Magnus had yet again promised to help Dot with the shop. Not that he could really complain, it was essentially the only thing keeping him from spiraling to insanity, the thoughts of Alec consuming him.

The feelings he had tried so hard to avoid only kept growing, and it scared him. He knew it couldn't keep going on like that, he needed to do something.

"Well what are you doing? Tell him!", Dot shouted, slapping him with a book, both of them kneeling in front of the bookshelf, trying their very best to arrange the books in alphabetical order.

"First of all - ouch", he said, shooting her a glare, "and second of all, we both know I can't tell him."

"Yeah, because of all that immortality stuff? That's no reason, really."

Magnus only stared at her, not entirely sure how to respond. 

"I say you should just tell him, and I mean tell him all of it", she continued, her voice confident and sure, "then he'll either run away screaming or stay, either way your problem is solved."

"Except he can't stay", Magnus reminded her.

Dot said nothing then, only kept worrying the inside of her cheek as she contemplated Magnus' words.

"I forgot about that."

Magnus sighed in response, pinching the bridge of his nose before resuming to the ancient books. He wished he could forget about it too, about how he could never tell Alec that he loved him, how he has to make him leave. It had been a much easier thought when Alec was nothing more than a silly crush, but now the reality was much more difficult to manage. Magnus' immortality was looming over them like a storm cloud, like a hurricane, ready to wreak havoc, ready to tear them apart. 

He had started to help Dot with the shop, since he had found it was a very efficient way to busy his mind, to keep away the awful thoughts of future. He worked the mornings when Alec was at the coffee shop and he worked the days when Alec was at the university or at the library, studying. Dot was constantly teasing him about that, about how he was dating someone who still went to school and had exams and all that, though he made a good point of reminding her of Alec's graduation, which was only few months away. He couldn't deny it though, it was very refreshing to date someone that young, not that he was physically that old either, but Alec's endless energy made him feel more normal as well.

All the time they had been together, Magnus had been holding back. He didn't dare to let himself be fully pulled into the relationship, into the feelings, afraid that he might get lost completely. He knew he had to, for it was already hard for him to control himself around Alec. He only wanted to kiss him all day long, to fall asleep next to him and make him breakfast in the mornings. He only wanted all the good stuff, the easy stuff, and none of the hard ones. He didn't want to wait around for Alec to come back from school, he didn't ever want to see him go and most especially he never wanted to  _let_ him go. It had been the most wonderful two months Magnus could remember and he never wanted it to end, he only wanted to keep living in the blissful reality of Alec by his side. 

And later that day, as he stood watching the people come and go from and to the university, he felt a whole lot older. He knew Alec wasn't that young in reality, but it often did feel that way, even more so since Magnus was basically 900 years older than him. He sometimes felt guilty for not telling Alec the truth about him, but he knew in his heart that Alec didn't need to know. They wouldn't be together long enough for it to matter. 

The day was getting darker and colder as well, Magnus blew some warm air on his hands before shoving them in his pockets, safe from the cold. He swayed on the balls of his feet, looking around the campus. There was no sign of Alec yet, but Magnus knew his class was ending soon and they had plans for the evening, though most times their plans got derailed when Alec insisted that they should go back to his place instead and there was no way Magnus would say no to that. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, drowning in the memory of that morning, so deep that he could only barely register Alec's familiar steps nearing him. He smiled, turning to look in the warm, gentle eyes of his Alexander.

"Hey", Alec whispered, soft, before leaning in to kiss Magnus' cheek, his hand sliding down his arm to grab Magnus' hand in his.

Magnus hummed contently, his smile wide as he looked at the man beside him. 

"You want me to carry that?", he asked as he saw the quite heavy looking bag that was haphazardly thrown over Alec's shoulder. Magnus made a mental note of buying him a new one, so that he wouldn't have to walk around with a broken bag that rubbed his shoulders.

"No, it's okay", Alec said, his smile softening at his concern.

"So do you want to go to the restaurant or back to your place?", Magnus asked, winking at the last part. Alec chuckled shyly, understanding the meaning behind his words.

"Can we go to your place for a change?", he asked then, catching Magnus completely off-guard, "I am assuming you have an apartment", he added once he saw the surprise on Magnus' features.

"Sure", he said then, feigning nonchalance. It wasn't such a big deal to show his apartment to Alec, but he did own some very expensive items, some of which were nearly as old as he himself was, and he didn't want to make Alec feel uncomfortable about his wealth. So by far they had only spent time at Alec's little place.

"Great", Alec said, shifting his feet expectantly, waiting to be lead. Magnus shot him a quick smile before pulling him along, his loft only a few blocks away.

The trip was pleasant, Alec talking about the stuff he had done since they had last seen each other and Magnus telling him about the weird book he had found in Dot's shop. They held hands all the way to his loft, the warmth of Alec keeping away the cold evening air and Magnus felt like he could get lost in the feeling. He leaned a little closer, resting his head on Alec's shoulder as they continued on their way, their pace slow in contrast to the hurry of the city around them. Magnus had always loved moments like this, when nothing could worry him, when everything was just perfect.

It was almost getting too dark to see as they took the final turn towards his loft, the streets more quiet than they had been before. Magnus had noticed Alec looking around more often now, he knew he had seen how expensive the buildings and apartments looked around here. He knew it was an absurd thought, but he couldn't help but be afraid that Alec might be too intimidated by him after this. Of course Alec knew most things about him, but Magnus had left out his true wealth, and now he almost regretted not telling him right away.

Alec let go of his hand as they entered Magnus' home, his eyes scanning every surface, taking in every detail. Alec whistled as he looked around, his eyes wide with admiration and surprise both. He looked as if he wanted to touch the artifacts sitting on the various tables, but only barely managed to keep his hands to himself.

"So what is this, crazy rich asians?", he said then, turning back to look at Magnus with a small smile. He was clearly very proud of himself for coming up with that joke.

Magnus only shrugged, but smiled at Alec all the same, wanting to make him feel welcome rather than weirded-out. He stood by the door, toeing off his shoes as Alec walked around, his eyes exploring. He was quiet, frightfully so, and as Magnus silently followed him around he begged for any sign that Alec didn't find his wealth scary or off-putting, as some before him had. It was strange to have him there, in his apartment, since Magnus couldn't remember the last time he had had any of his lovers there. Cat and Ragnor had been to his place and Dot came by to watch movies and drink scotch, but this was different. Alec was different. 

"So exactly how rich are you?", Alec quipped from the kitchen, peeking his head through the wide door frames.

"I do own a few stocks, some companies and estates,", he replied simply with a shrug. 

"What?", Alec said as he walked to him, "why didn't you tell me?"

Magnus contemplated for a second, choosing his answer carefully, "I suppose I didn't want to scare you off."

"Why would I be intimidated by this? This is awesome!", he said, grabbing Magnus' arms, pulling him closer, "we are never spending another night at my crappy place again."

Magnus huffed a laugh, leaning forward to kiss Alec, "I'm glad you like it."

He could feel Alec smiling against his lips, though his response was lost as he returned the kiss, eagerly pulling Magnus closer. Alec's hands slid down his arms, settling on his hips, slowly and carefully untucking his shirt. His fingers were cold, sending shivers running through Magnus as they traced circles on his waist, tugging on his waistband. Magnus' hands were on Alec's neck, pulling him down to deepen the kiss, his breath hitching as Alec unbuttoned his shirt and his fingers grazed his chest.

Alec pulled his shirt down, his hands now gripping Magnus' biceps, running up and down them as Magnus grabbed the hem of his shirt, breaking their kiss so he might pull it over Alec's head. He didn't bother to look where their clothes landed, Alec's lips were the only thing on his mind, and he roughly pulled Alec down for another kiss, hungry for his touch. Alec pushed him against the wall right beside Magnus' bedroom, his hands roaming around his body, exploring every inch of him as if he was discovering him for the first time.

"These need to come off", Magnus whispered, his voice low and rough as they broke apart for air, his fingers tugging at Alec's jeans, already unzipping them. Alec smiled then, his eyes never leaving Magnus' lips as he pulled his jeans down. And as Alec's hands fumbled with Magnus' pants, pulling them down, he leaned forward to kiss Alec's neck, his teeth nipping at the soft skin there. Alec groaned then, angling his head so Magnus could have free reign on his neck. 

Alec lifted Magnus up, his rough hands around his thighs, carrying him into the bedroom as Magnus wrapped his legs around his waist for support. Magnus once again found himself lost in Alec's eyes, how they were almost pitch black in the dusk, no trace of the soft brown he was used to seeing.

He yelped a little in surprise when Alec all but threw him on the bed, already crawling on top of him, kissing his way up to his lips. It was already eight o'clock and Magnus was looking forward to spending rest of the night with Alec, doing exactly this. He was completely lost in the feeling as Alec bit his neck, leaving purple marks all over him, even though the older ones hadn't properly faded yet, either. 

Soon there was no more restricting clothes between them, Magnus already wrapping his hand around Alec, slowly stroking him just how he knew he liked it, his thumb circling the head as Alec's moans gave him even more incentive. Alec's lust filled eyes roamed his body, thinking of ways to undo him in the slowest way possible, his lips finding Magnus' once more as he continued stroking him, painfully slow.

The room was dark, only the lights in the living room illuminating them, engulfing them in shades of gold and silver, contrasting the lines on their bodies, leaving nothing but shadows in their wake. Magnus opened his eyes, his other hand blindly roaming around the night stand where he knew he kept the bottle of lube and other necessities. Alec's forehead was resting against his as his warm breath touched Magnus' cheek, his dark eyes staring wildly into Magnus', hungry for more. 

When he found the bottle he was looking for he handed it to Alec, who shifted his weight so he might get into a better position. Magnus stopped stroking him and Alec's breaths evened out as he poured a generous amount of lube on his hand, his finger gliding easily inside Magnus, who almost involuntarily clenched around him. Slowly Alec started to move his finger, stretching before adding another one once Magnus nodded, signifying he was ready for more. 

"Alright, enough", Magnus said after a while, almost playfully slapping Alec's hand away, and so Alec stroked himself with lube a few times, his eyes locked on Magnus', admiring and soft.

Alec slid into him easily, effortlessly, and almost growled as Magnus tightened around him. 

"Good God", he whispered against Magnus' shoulder, angling his head so he might capture Magnus' lips with his. Alec's breathing was almost frantic as he began moving, slowly at first, and then with passion, Magnus' arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer and urging him on.

Magnus' head fell back once Alec found the right rhythm, their moans filling the air around them, everything perfectly in sync with Alec's thrusts. Magnus' eyes were closed, Alec's breath hot against his skin as he placed erratic kisses along his chest and his collarbones. He wrapped his legs around Alec's waist then, gracefully flipping them over so he was on top, the new position enabling him to have all the control. He moved slowly at first, Alec's nails digging into his hips, moving him so he might meet his own thrusts.

Magnus' hands roamed Alec's chest, tracing lines here and there, his gentle touch almost driving Alec insane. There had surely been many in Magnus' life before Alec, but in that moment, as he neared the end, he was sure there had been no one else, no one but him, his Alexander.

Alec wrapped his hand around Magnus, stroking him as he came, helping him through it, before coming himself, his panting stopping as he was finally able to properly catch his breath. It was already dark outside, Magnus could barely see Alec as he fell beside him on the bed, his eyes full of wonder as he looked at him in the darkening night. 

Magnus turned to his side then, so he could properly see Alec, who wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Neither of them really cared about the sticky mess they had made, since it was still too cold to get out of bed and clean up.

"Can you stay the night?", Magnus asked, his voice insecure.

"Of course"

"Good, I didn't want to see you go just yet"

"I'm not going anywhere", Alec whispered as he kissed Magnus' cheek, tangling their fingers together. Magnus pulled the covers over them, too tired to do much else before they drifted off to sleep.

-

The morning was gentle, waking them up with sunlight and the comforting sounds of life outside the windows, the rest of the world already awake. They took their time though, Magnus running his fingers through Alec's thick hair, whose long arms were wrapped around his chest, holding him close. Magnus could feel Alec smiling happily against his chest, the memories of last night causing a warm, almost giddy feeling to spread through him. 

"Are you feeling as sticky as I am?", Alec muttered against his chest, still refusing to get up.

"Mmm, maybe", Magnus said with a chuckle as he inspected the mess they had made last night, "wanna shower together?", he added with a mischievous grin.

Alec angled his head so he might better look at Magnus, a playful glint in his eyes as he thought of his proposal.

"Are you gonna make me late for work?"

"I might."

"Well, I suppose it'll be worth making Maia mad and possibly holding a grudge against me for the rest of my life."

Magnus only laughed then, his smile sweet, Alec watching him with a mesmerized look in his eyes. 

After the shower, the apartment didn't feel so cold anymore, as if the whole place had awaken to the morning as well, finally warm. Outside the windows Magnus can see the city already bustling with noise, though he figures New York is, after all, the city that never sleeps, and at least it feels that way to Magnus. He had spent countless night awake, only the large city keeping him company, the noises of life making him feel less lonely.

It's different now, for he is no longer alone. Magnus smiles as Alec wraps his hands around him, hugging him from behind, pressing soft kisses on his shoulder. He leans into him, wondering how he ever made it in life on his own. He had often craved company, different kind than what his friends could provide, and he feels pure joy now that he finally has  _someone_ that can fill the empty gaps in his life. 

His Alexander.

Though Magnus needed to admit, it was a process getting used to sharing a bed again, especially since Alec was rather tall and took a lot of space, his body a furnace, his snores keeping Magnus awake. But he couldn't be happier that he was here now, with him. 

Alec pressed a soft kiss on the back of his neck before letting go, his hair still wet, his dark brown T-shirt dotted with small driblets of water and his neck glinting as the sun shone on him. Magnus could see that the shirt Alec had borrowed from him was way too tight, but he couldn't say that he minded either, for watching as his back muscles flexed was a blessed sight indeed. 

The whole kitchen was coated in gold, the large windows opening up to the whole city, though Magnus could only see Alec. He leaned on the door frame, his hands fidgeting as he admired the way the light turned Alec's skin into porcelain, and marble, something wonderful and divine. He could feel himself smiling as he looked at him, the brush of the morning sun painting him in the fading colors of autumn, as if winter was not quite there yet. He was beautiful, Magnus could barely breath as he eyed him gently, and he felt so utterly warm then, as if Alec himself was radiating heat, melting off the frosts and the snows in his life. 

He wished then that he could take a photograph, something he could keep and cherish for years to come, and hopefully remember the moment it was taken. He hated how everything in his life seemed to be bittersweet, every moment felt fleeting, as if nothing in his life was real or concrete. Every person he loved, he knew he would one day lose. Magnus wished it wouldn't be so, that he could undo whatever had caused him this punishment. 

"Everything okay?"

Alec's cautious voice pulled Magnus out of his thoughts, and he raised his eyes to meet Alec's. His face was scrunched with worry, his hand tightening around the spatula he had been holding. He studied Magnus, his eyes full of deep concern.

"Yeah, everything's great", Magnus lied, his hand almost instinctively raising to fidget with the jewelry adorning his ear.

"You sure? You seemed a little out of it just now", Alec continued, turning to fully face Magnus, ignoring his cooking. 

"I was just deep in thought", he said simply, making his way through the kitchen to place a kiss on Alec's cheek, "what are you making?"

Alec eyed him suspiciously but decided to let it be. "French toast",  he said as he resumed his attention to the food.

"Can't wait", Magnus said with a smile as he went to set the table. 

After Alec had left, Magnus found himself standing in front of Ragnor's workplace. It was a simple tea shop, the exterior old and worn, though it didn't have that welcoming warmth that ordinary tea shops had. Magnus knew it was the place where he sent the souls of the dead into the afterlife, so it was no surprise that the shop had such a grim feel to it. It was a place that no human could enter, but Magnus was an exception to that rule as well, as he often was. 

A shudder passed through him as he grabbed the door knob, pulling the door open. The shop was small, only that one table stood in the middle and the windows were narrow, the sun only barely shone through them. It was otherwise quite dim, only a few candles were lit on the counter were the tea kettles were. Ragnor turned to look at him as he entered, not in the least surprised that Magnus knew of the tea shop. 

"Ragnor, I need your help", he said as he sat down at the table.

"Are you dead?", Ragnor replied with a glare, a tea kettle in his hands. 

"I'm rehearsing", Magnus said, burying his head in his hands, "Alec is going to be the death of me."

Ragnor rolled his eyes at him, putting down the kettle before joining him by the table. 

"I told you it was a bad idea", Ragnor said, crossing his arms in front of him.

Magnus groaned, running his fingers through his hair as Ragnor conjured two cups of tea. Magnus took the other gladly, though he wasn't entirely sure where Ragnor had gotten it from. 

"So you just used your limited grim reaper magic to summon some tea when you have a kettle right behind you?", Magnus noted as he blew a little to cool his drink.

"You don't want to drink that tea, though", Ragnor said, slurping his own tea for good measure, "you'd lose whatever memories you still have left."

"Well, I didn't come here to argue about tea."

"You shouldn't have come here at all, since you are not dead."

"I need some advice about Alec", he said, leaning forward as if he was telling a secret.

"You have Dorothea for that."

"She was busy with the shop, though", Magnus muttered, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"And I'm not?"

"You never are." 

Ragnor only rolled his eyes at that, leaning back in his chair. "What is it then? Did he bat his eyelashes at you and now you have a joint bank account?"

"It's nothing like that, I just-", he started, not entirely sure what he wanted to say now that he was here, his hands shaky and his mind racing too fast for him to keep up. 

"Do you want me to kill you? Is that why you're here?", Ragnor asked, unimpressed.

"You could do that?"

"I was joking, Magnus", Ragnor whispered, clearly horrified by Magnus' response. 

Magnus groaned again then, rubbing his hands on his face and smudging his makeup in the process. Ragnor studied him quietly, trying to measure the extent of his issues.

"Well, you should've listened to me", he said after a while, raising his eyebrows to eye Magnus smugly, "I told you not to do it."

"I don't need a lecture", Magnus said, parting his fingers to he might see Ragnor, "I'm over 900 years old - I know I'm an idiot."

Ragnor only hummed in response, silently enjoying Magnus' breakdown. 

"I'm going to die", Magnus muttered, lowering his hands so that they were covering his mouth instead of his eyes.

"Good. Now get out", Ragnor said, kicking Magnus in the knee under the table for good measure, "I need to go fetch my next client, unless you'd want me to kill you instead." 

"Fine, fine, I'm going!", he shouted as he quickly stood up, almost knocking over his chair in the process. "You are absolutely no help, Ragnor, I hope you know that."

"Yes, now please go or you'll frighten the dead."

Once outside, Magnus had no idea where he should go next. Dot didn't need his help today and he knew Catarina was always busy with the hospital, and often preferred to spend her limited free time with Dot rather than him. He sighed, pulling his sleeves over his hands, cursing himself for leaving in a hurry, for the winter air was cruel against his skin. He looked around, unsure and shivering, worrying the inside of his cheek. He closed his eyes for a second then, breathing deep before letting his legs lead him. He glanced at his phone, it was already a little past two o'clock so if he took a longer route home, Alec might already be there by the time he came back and just the thought of it made him smile.

His pace was slow, his steps almost cautious as he made his way toward his loft. His mind felt clouded, tired, his entire being numb and heavy. He knew that Alec had picked up on his nervousness some days ago, and he hated how he couldn't tell him about his worries. The one person that he wanted to talk to, he couldn't. It was a burden that he wished he didn't have, and his friends weren't that much help. It wasn't their fault, it really wasn't, Magnus knew that his was a situation none of them had ever been in.

After all, how can you look at the person you care so deeply about, and say that it was time to leave?

None of his friends knew, and he didn't either. Magnus silently cursed whoever had placed this punishment upon him for not letting him at least keep his memories. If he knew how he had managed it before, it might've gotten easier with time, but now he was left guessing and the pain would be fresh each time. It really wasn't fair, though Magnus wasn't entirely sure about that, since he still had no idea why he was that way. He had talked about it with Ragnor once, who said that his erased memories and immortality was very similar to the life of grim reapers. Ragnor couldn't remember the crime he had committed that had gotten him his punishment, and so he firmly believed that Magnus must've done something too, to deserve his miserable life. 

Magnus had to stop then, he could feel that a headache was on its way and he pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping to drive it away. His eyes were closed, people bumping into him as he stood still on the busy sidewalk, unable to move. He breathed deep, the cold wind blowing past him as he tried to convince himself that everything was alright. He just needed to make himself a margarita and some steak and it would pass, all of it would - the awful feeling in the pit of his stomach, blaming him for lying to Alec and the thumping inside his head that never seemed to fully go away and the weariness that accompanied him in everything he did. 

He knew it would be easier if he could just talk about it with Alec, but he also knew it wasn't that simple, it never was. He needed to lie to Alec, for the truth was something he could never comprehend. Magnus could feel the time was near now, that he needed to let Alec go, for he couldn't continue with his lies and the guilt of it for much longer. Neither of them could. It was getting more difficult every passing day, especially since Magnus could feel himself falling harder and harder for his Alexander, the feelings only growing stronger every time he looked into his hazel eyes, his soft smile capturing him each time.

Someone bumped into him rather harshly then, pulling him out of his thoughts and back to reality. He shook his head to clear it, looking around the masses of people around him. He started again then, his feet carrying him to his loft with a steady pace as he turned left, his fingers trailing just above the brick wall as if he was afraid that he was going to fall. He could feel the coldness of it without touching it, the heavy feeling inside of him getting harder to bear. 

The frost that had covered the trees outside his loft that morning had now melted away, leaving them bare and lifeless, just as Magnus felt himself. The sun was already setting, though it was barely afternoon as Magnus made his way up to his apartment. The world outside was gray, the sun was cold and so were the ruthless winds that Magnus could hear even indoors. He felt numb then, his mind had worn him out and he figured he should just go take a nap instead of even attempting to cheer himself up in other ways. 

The door behind him was barely shut as he shrugged off his jacket and scarf, toeing off his shoes before falling on the couch, not even bothering to pull the blanket over him as he fell asleep. When had his life become so tiring? 

He didn't wake up when Alec came home, nor when he made himself dinner or when he pulled the blanket over him and propped his head with pillows. He was deep in sleep, restless and troubled, and though Alec felt tempted to wake him up, he figured he should get a good night's sleep, since he had had some trouble sleeping lately. So when Magnus did wake up, he was alone on the couch, the darkness of the apartment almost blinding as he sat up, feeling a little disoriented. He rubbed his eyes, yawning before standing up and discarding the rest of his clothes on his way to the bedroom. 

Alec was there, sleeping, his overly-long limbs taking up most of the space on the bed. Magnus smiled at him, at his snores and the way he instantly wrapped his arms around Magnus when he laid down next to him. His whole body was warm, and it was comforting to fall back asleep with him, more so than it had been some hours before when he had slept alone on the small couch. For all the trouble that had followed him, Magnus still appreciated Alec's company more than he could remember doing in the times before him. He had a very special way of erasing all the things that troubled him, and making them disappear, even if only for a moment. 

-

"Magnus? Are you alright?"

"Huh?"

Dot sighed then, putting down the rather heavy-looking book in her hand before walking to him. "Did you hear a word I just said?"

Magnus tried to think back to what she had been talking about before he had drifted off, his face scrunching up in concentration.

"You were telling me about your and Cat's date?"

A worry appeared between her eyes, her brows furrowing in concern as she studied him, her arms crossed across her chest. She glanced at her feet, shifting them like she always did whenever she was nervous, and then looked back at Magnus, taking a deep breath.

"That was two hours ago", she said, her voice filled with worry rather than blame, "what's going on?"

Magnus only shook his head, shrugging casually before resuming his attention back to the books that were scattered around his feet. Dot remained by his side, her long fingers tapping on her arm as she tried to figure him out. Magnus caught her staring and stopped arranging the books, his hands falling limp by his side. 

"It's nothing."

"It's not 'nothing'!", Dot snapped, her voice rising as Magnus stood up, claiming that it was about time for his break. He rubbed his forehead, cursing his headache as he sat down on one of the black armchairs that Dot had in the shop, right by the windows. They often sat there together, drinking tea and talking about nothing and everything. Now Dot only watched as he went, not wanting to push him to talk if he didn't want to. She knew this was were Cat was the best, at consoling and making everyone feel better. She had that kind of energy to her, that calming force that made you instantly feel at peace, like everything was going to be alright. 

Dot stood afar, watching as the snow fell outside the large windows, though she knew that wasn't what Magnus was looking at. She knew he was troubled and she was almost certain it had something to do with Alec. She sent a quick text to Catarina and Ragnor too, letting them know that something was off with Magnus. Dot had only been friends with Magnus for a few years, but Catarina and Ragnor both had been friends with Magnus for lifetimes, and the bond they shared was something you couldn't easily match. It never made her feel like an outsider, though she supposed it could if she let it. 

"He's been like that for a while now", Dot briefed as Catarina and Ragnor stepped through the door some time after, Simon following close behind. There was faint music playing in the background, not allowing the silence to settle. 

"He's hurting", Ragnor stated very matter-of-factly, sipping his milkshake nonchalantly as he made his way to Magnus.

"I bet it's about Alec", Dot added then, shifting her weight from one foot to another, her arms crossed.

"I didn't know Magnus was dating!", Simon chimed in, "is he cute?"

"He's like, 20", Ragnor said, quickly glancing at Cat for confirmation, but she only kept her eyes fixed on Magnus.

"Oh hell", Simon gasped, "is he cute?"

"No, he's twenty-five", Dot corrected, keeping her voice down as not to disturb Magnus, and Ragnor furrowed his brows, wondering whether or not she was right.

"Can we focus? Magnus is in pain", Catarina interrupted, gesturing vaguely toward Magnus to draw attention back to him.

"Am not", he muttered, tired of everyone doting on him as if he wasn't capable of taking care of himself.

"You are, is it Alec? Did you break up?", Dot said.

"No, I wasn't even thinking about him!", Magnus snapped, standing up in haste, "I was just studying the stock market."

They all stayed quiet then, only Simon muttering something in the background, no one knowing what to do or say. Dot and Catarina shared some worried glances, their fingers tightly intertwined, as if they were having an intense argument that only they could hear. Cat let go of Dot's hand and walked toward Magnus, who was standing apart from the group. He looked so old then, in the dim lights of the antique shop, the shadows on his face and the centuries in his eyes making him look so weary and Catarina felt inclined to lift some of the weight off that was pulling him down. She placed her hand on his shoulder, feeling the others look at them intensely in the background.

She had always seen Magnus as invincible, like a mountain that stood through everything, the storms and the winds not breaking it down. It often came as a surprise whenever she realized just how sensitive he really was, the toll time had on him was a great one and it wasn't always easy to remember that, since Magnus was not one to openly share his feelings, especially if he was feeling vulnerable. But as she stroked his arm, trying to coax him out of his shell, his expression remained unchanging. He brushed her off before making his way towards the door, stubbornly refusing their help.

"I'm fine", he said, his back turned to them. Catarina and Ragnor shared a knowing look, both of them aware that they couldn't force Magnus to speak. He would come to them in his own time. 

"I just want to see Alec", he said before leaving the shop and all of them behind. It had been a hard day for him - he hadn't seen Alec in the morning so his day had been off to a bad start and he had only kept overthinking everything throughout the day, as he often did, making everything seem harder than it was. 

It was still snowing outside, the rivers almost frozen as he walked past them with a clear destination in mind. The day had been long, excessively so, and Magnus felt exhausted, his feet dragging behind him as if he was too tired to even walk properly. And nevermind his inner conflict with whether or not he should leave Alec, in that moment he wanted nothing more but to be securely wrapped in his arms, and let him carry the weight for a while. 

Alec had that special way of making everything in Magnus' life fall in line, and he always did it so easily, with just a few words and maybe a comforting smile. The mere thought of seeing Alec again made Magnus smile, and he already started to forget the extent of his issues. And Alec had sent him a text earlier, saying that they should meet at the bar near his apartment for a date night since they hadn't properly seen each other for some time, which Magnus thought was perfect for clearing his cluttered mind. 

All of his worries, in that moment, didn't matter - he just wanted to see Alec. 

The world around him was darkening, the light from the streetlights illuminated beautifully in the falling snow as Magnus quickened his pace. It was cold, the winter had already settled quite deep in the city, midst of everything, and Magnus had to admit that he quite loved the calmness of winter, when the snow on the ground was undisturbed and everything was quiet. It made him feel at peace too, and by the time he reached the bar his smile was effortless and loving, his eyes full of wonder as Alec greeted him by the door, pulling him into his warm embrace.

"Missed you", Alec whispered, pressing a kiss behind Magnus' ear before letting him go. Magnus could already feel his heart fluttering as he looked into his dark eyes, the calmness in them spreading to him, too.

"You too", he replied, letting his hand wrap around Alec's.

The bar was humid, packed with people and some old, worn-out song playing in the jukebox as they made their way to the pool tables, Magnus shedding his jacket on a nearby chair. His mind felt so much lighter then as he watched Alec gather the balls and organize them. They often played here, so much that it had become their own little thing. Magnus had never been one to play pool that much, except a few times in the 70s when Ragnor had really gotten into it. He had considered himself good, but Alec was a lot better and won almost every time, not that Magnus minded that much either.

"You ready?", Alec asked, handing the cue stick to Magnus as he prepared for his first shot. 

Magnus simply nodded, stepping aside so Alec might better line his shot. He tried to spot the jukebox that was now playing some old 80s songs that Magnus wasn't really in the mood for. Perhaps during Alec's next turn he might go and change it to something better.

"You're up"

"Already? I was prepared to wait for another half an hour", Magnus said with a smirk as he walked to the table and leaned down to line his shot while Alec chuckled at his sarcasm.

"I'll go get us some drinks", Alec replied then, giving Magnus a familiar stern look, urging him not to cheat while he was gone.

"Take your time, sweetheart", he winked while hitting his target straight on.

Alec only shook his head as he left, though he couldn't hide the playful smile on his lips. The line to the bar wasn't long, and it took Alec almost no time at all to order their drinks, a beer for himself and a margarita for Magnus, who was just about done with his turn by the time Alec reached their table. 

Magnus took a sip of his drink, the burning of the alcohol making him feel more energized, and looked around the bar. It was full, masses of people were either lightly swaying to the music or sitting at the various tables, their laughter carrying all the way to were Magnus was. The pool tables were all the way at the end of the bar, making room for dancing though Magnus doubted anyone could dance to the awful songs that the jukebox was filled with. 

He stretched his neck a little bit then, trying to chase away the beginning of a new headache, not wanting it to ruin their night. His eyes were closed, but he could hear Alec already scoring more points, his winning streak continuing still. Magnus didn't mind much right then, though most nights their games could get very competitive. He idly ran his hand through his hair as he opened his eyes to see Alec still playing his never-ending turn. 

"You see that?", Alec asked, gesturing excitedly towards the table, his face all smiles. 

Magnus hummed in agreement, taking another sip of his margarita as Alec moved to shoot again. The next song was slow, and Magnus made his way to where Alec was lining his next shot, leaning on the table while running his finger on the edge of his glass. He eyed Alec smugly as the taller man shifted uncomfortably against the table.

"I know what you're doing, and it isn't going to work", he said then, moving even further away from Magnus, trying to keep himself from getting distracted.

"What do you think I'm doing then, dear?", Magnus teased.

"You're trying to distract me."

"I would never", he said as he sipped his drink, raising his eyebrows arrogantly while cocking his head a little to the side, exposing his neck. 

Alec turned to look then, his hand slipping a bit and missing its target.

"Fuck you, Magnus", he said as he went to drink his beer.

"Made you look", Magnus said playfully as he lined his shot perfectly, hitting the ball at just the right angle.

"You know two can play at that game", Alec added, his tone a little flirty as he downed the rest of his drink.

"Do your worst, Lightwood"

"Oh, I intend to"

After his turn, Magnus considered he should go get them some refills, since Alec had already finished his drink and there was only so much left of Magnus' own. He glanced toward the bar to see if it was too crowded, but instead he saw a very familiar (and ugly) black hat outside of the window, sitting atop an even more familiar head. As he wondered why Ragnor was standing outside the bar, his earlier troubles found him again, his shoulders tensing as he took a few deep breaths in an attempt to clear his mind.

"Magnus?", Alec asked, his turn finally over as he leaned a little on his stick, studying Magnus.

"I'll be right back", he replied, waving his hand offhandedly as he grabbed his coat and made his way through the bar.

Magnus stepped outside, the winter air hitting him suddenly, causing shivers to run through him as he walked to Ragnor. He took in his appearance, his clothes as dark as ever and his usual black brimmed hat now in his pale hands, his long leather jacket making him look like someone out of a Matrix movie.

"So did you manage to save Zion?", he joked, chuckling to himself as Ragnor turned to glare at him.

"If you want my help in the future, I suggest you stop making fun of my clothes."

"Or you could just dress like a normal person", he said then, clasping his hands in front of him, "why are you here anyway?"

"Work, as always", Ragnor said, his eyes fixed on the road before them. 

Magnus only hummed in response, swaying on the balls of his feet. 

Ragnor turned to briefly look at him, before glancing inside the bar to see Alec sitting there, talking to someone while waiting for his beer.

"You love him, don't you", Ragnor said then, somewhat out of the blue while fidgeting with the hat he had in his hands, turning his attention back to the road, as if he was expecting something.

Magnus didn't respond, his nervous hands playing with the silvery earring he had. He knew it hadn't been a question, but more of a fact or a statement.

"Would it be too forward of me to say 'I told you so'?"

"I don't need your sass right now, Ragnor."

"My sass is a guarantee. If you didn't want it, why did you come here?", he said as he briefly glanced at Magnus.

"I don't know, really", Magnus admitted, not really wanting to say how much Ragnor's advice had helped him before, and how he hoped it would now as well.

"If you want relationship advice, I suggest you talk to Dot", he said then, without even looking at Magnus.

"It's not that", Magnus started, unsure, "I just- I need life advice I guess, from one immortal to another."

He turned to look at Ragnor, who only stared at the road, and Magnus knew he was choosing his words carefully, as he often did.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Magnus", he said, his posture unchanging, "after all, you are older than me."

"But you have that grim reaper wisdom."

Ragnor chuckled at his response, not denying it. They led very different lives, and even if Magnus was older he was still inexperienced in some areas and there was no use in denying that Ragnor knew loss very differently than he did. He saw it every day, and even if it wasn't personal, it was still death all the same. He had seen thousands upon thousands of people die and the heartbreak that always followed. And unlike Magnus, he remembered all of it. 

"You should tell him", Ragnor said then, breaking the silence that had settled between them. Magnus turned to look at him, his brows furrowing in confusion. It certainly wasn't the answer he had been expecting from Ragnor and if he was being completely honest, he partially came to Ragnor so he could hear him say 'no'. 

Ragnor noticed his confused expression, and eyed him smugly as if he knew much more than Magnus did. "You clearly care for the boy, and he cares for you, so why not enjoy your time together?"

"I'm not sure if I can survive losing another one, though."

"Then why are you friends with Catarina? Or Dot? They'll both die eventually as well, and so will Alexander", Ragnor said, his voice more sure this time, "you'll survive it, like you always have. And you'll forget them and move on, and fall in love all over again and round and round it goes."

"You'd think I would've gotten used to that by now", he chuckled, pondering Ragnor's words. The other man looked at him sternly, squinting his eyes a bit before turning back to look at the road.

"No one gets used to losing people."

And with that, Ragnor put on his hat and left, sirens already blaring somewhere in the distance, calling him. Magnus watched him, and he knew he was right. There was no use forcing Alec to leave if he wanted to stay, and Magnus wanted him to stay, too. He would enjoy the seventy- or eighty-years they'd have together and slowly prepare for the inevitable. It was a better alternative, and the mere thought of having Alec for that long of a time was a comforting one.

But he also knew it wasn't fair to Alexander. It wasn't fair to ask him to stay and give up all he had in life. They could never get married, or adopt kids. They could never grow old together, and their whole existence would be spoiled by the fact that Magnus would live on. He would watch Alec die and he would mourn, then forget. And he knew Alec didn't deserve that, he deserved a normal life with someone else, someone who could give him all he deserved and more. 

It was a big decision, and one that Magnus had to make on his own. Alec would never understand the stakes, he would never understand the consequences his answer would have on them both and especially on Magnus. He turned to look inside then, Alec was making small talk with the bartender and as Magnus watched him smile he felt a painful tug in his heart. He looked away and let out a breath, watching as it turned to white steam in the cold winter air. The night was brisk and for a moment Magnus wished he could see the stars, for they had a very calming effect on him, always making him wonder. 

He looked down at his feet, his hands shoved deep in his pockets, and he didn't want to go back inside just yet. He was torn, he had been for some time, debating whether he should stay and fight or leave and forget. He knew that no matter if he left now or in seventy years, it wouldn't be any easier. He would never be completely ready to give Alec up, not even if he had all the time in the world. He knew Alec was someone he could never really say goodbye to, but if he left now it would be easier for him. It would've only been two months, neither of them had even said 'I love you' yet. If he left now, he would only ever be just someone to Alec, someone he used to date, someone whose name he would certainly forget with time, and their memories too. 

It would never be easy for either of them, especially since Magnus could never tell Alec the truth of why he left, and he would never be convincing if he tried to lie. He had always been so awful at lying. And he also never seemed to learn. For that he could blame his memory losses, but despite having known the pain of losing someone, he was just as eager to love each time. Just as he had with Alec. Time hadn't made him cynical, it hadn't turned him to stone. It had made him kinder, and more loving, and it rarely seemed to be a good thing. At times Magnus found himself wishing he wasn't as he was, that he would be more vicious and more ruthless. Less inclined to love, that he would be filled with hatred rather than joy. It would make many things much easier.

Inside the bar, he could hear his and Alec's song playing, and he stole a quick glance at Alec once more, trying his best to gather the courage to go back inside. His fingers were fiddling with the countless rings on his fingers, twisting and turning until it hurt, the pain inside his heart becoming harder to bear by the minute. 

He could barely register the sound of the door opening before he felt Alec's hand on his shoulder, the weight of it reassuring. 

"Hey", he said, his voice soft and unsure as if he was talking to a wounded animal.

Magnus only offered him a weak smile, knowing that Alec would see through any facade he could manage.

"Sorry I took so long, I just needed to think", he said as Alec put on his coat, already shivering in the night air. 

"It's alright", Alec said, shoving his hands in his pockets, "is everything okay?"

Magnus sniffled a little then, his cheeks and nose red from the cold. He could see Alec's face scrunching with worry, his brows furrowed and his smile long gone.

"I'm fine", he said weakly.

"You don't seem fine."

It started to snow then, and Magnus turned to look at the black sky as he took some deep breaths. 

"I did have something I wanted to discuss-"

"Can I say something first?", Alec interrupted, though Magnus couldn't really say he minded much.

Alec raised his hand to stroke his cheek, his eyes full of fondness that Magnus was sure he had never seen there before. 

"I don't think this is just some fleeting relationship", he started, his voice confident and sure and Magnus could hear the lawyer in him. "I care about you Magnus. A lot."

Magnus' breath hitched, he can only barely remember to blink and to  _breathe_ as shivers ran through him. 

"Whatever is bothering you, I'm here", he continued, shifting even closer to Magnus, "and I'm not going anywhere."

Magnus can only stare at him, unsure of what to say or do. He had decided to let him go, to make him leave, but his sweet Alexander had made plans of his own.  _I'm not going anywhere._ The words ring in Magnus' ears, like a melody, and in that moment, he realized just how much he had longed to hear those words. Not just from Alec, but from anyone. That there would be someone out there who wouldn't leave him, but who would  _stay_ and love him instead. Someone who would make his long nights bearable, someone who would be by his side and tell him that  _everything's going to be alright._

_You are not alone._

And then, after almost a thousand years, that person was there, right in front of him, telling him that he cared and that he will stay. He felt as if with his words, Alec pulled out a sword from his heart that he didn't even know was there, removing all the pain and the suffering that had accompanied him for so long, slowly and silently wearing him down. In that moment Magnus felt old, and numb, having stood for hundreds of years, but as he felt the gentle touch against his cheek, his legs shook. And as he looked into Alec's bright eyes, the deep warmth in them engulfing him, surrounding him and pulling him close, making him feel like home, he wondered if he could do it then, to plead him to stay even after he knew the truth of him, even when he would find out that he was a monster. Could he ask that of him?

He leaned to his touch, his own hand raising to hold Alec's, and he knew he had failed. He had tried so hard not to love him, not to let Alec consume him, but he had not succeeded. He couldn't help it anymore, he couldn't deny that he had fallen irrevocably in love. He closed his eyes, a small smile spreading through him as he embraced it. He knew Alec wasn't ready to hear it yet, but he felt so light in that moment as he let the feelings, and everything else he had tried to hold back, wash over him in waves. He felt relieved, and he could see it in Alec's eyes as well, that he could see Magnus' troubles leaving him, finally letting him breathe.

Alec's stern and determined expression softened, his lopsided smile making Magnus' stomach squirm in the best possible way, as if they were meeting for the first time. Alec leaned forward then, their foreheads pressed together as they breathed each other in, his hands sliding down to hold Magnus', and they stayed like that for a while, finding everything they needed in each other.

Alec pressed a small kiss on Magnus' forehead before pulling him into a hug, both of them starved for each other's touch, the longing driving them insane. The gentle snowfall made everything even more beautiful, the snowflakes soon covering their hair and clothes, and Magnus could even see some in Alec's eyelashes as he pulled away, his hands still around Alec's neck, holding him close. 

There was only one thing left to say then, though Magnus found the truth to be easier than whatever lie he would've opted for earlier. He took a deep breath, glancing down before losing himself in Alec's eyes once more, the words leaving him effortlessly.

"I need to tell you something, Alexander."

-

 


	5. Chapter 5

**lost memories.**

**August, 1943**

 

Magnus looked at the letters, not really understanding or even reading them, but just looking at their pattern, the bold curves and delicate hooks that were already quite familiar to him. It was the fifteenth letter and it was by all accounts exactly like the previous ones, except that Magnus knew it was the last one. He glanced up at her quickly, as if looking for confirmation, before lowering his eyes to look at the letter once more.

_Dear Magnus,_

The words stung in his heart, and already he wanted to fold the letter back up and never look at it again.

_I have much I want to tell you, so much that I fear my letters will one day be long enough to be turned into a book, but with everything happening, I find solace in telling you these mundane things, even if not in person. I long to see you, and I hope you miss me too, and have not yet forgotten me. I hope I have not left you entirely alone in this world._

Magnus glanced back at her, but her attention was already elsewhere, the silvery dog tags still firmly in her grasp, glinting in the fading sunlight.

_But more than anything, I wanted to tell you of my dreams. I have told you of them before, of the strange occurrences that hold no meaning to me, but render you speechless. I have told you of how I saw you even before I knew you, of how I saw us at the crystal clear oceans, even though it was still cold, and the water was freezing. You told me you did not remember, but still I knew the dream had far greater meaning than either of us could comprehend at the time._

_I feel like I know now, what it meant. I will tell you in length when I see you again, you and your charming smile, and I wish it will come true what I saw, for you looked so happy in my dreams. You were as_ _handsome as always, though the world around you was quite different indeed._

_And I must say, I am happy with the knowledge that I will find you again, and that I get to love you again. It gives me much hope in these dark times._

_I hope my sister does not fail me and this letter finds you, so that you may know that it does not matter whether I return from this war or not, for we will meet again. I only wish you would remember me then, too, so you can tell me of all the wonderful things we experienced together and I might know how much I truly loved you._

_S_ _o_ _I need you to remember me, and find me again, and not lose hope in the meantime for I will be back, I promise you that much, and I will wait for you._

_I'll see you soon, my dear._

_With love,_

_Your Alexander_

He sighed, closing his eyes before handing the letter back to her. She took it reluctantly, as if not knowing what to do with her brothers love letter, and in return handed him the tags, not that Magnus needed any confirmation for what he could already feel in his heart. 

"I know he loved you, and that you loved him", she started, her ink black hair the only resemblance to her brother. Well, that and the manner in which she spoke, as if she knew exactly what she wanted to say at any given moment. "And though I would've wished a happier life for him, I am grateful that the little time he had, you were there for him."

Magnus looked up at her then, standing up and giving the tags back to her, not wanting to keep something as gruesome as the only memory of him. She stood straight, confident and tall in the silence that settled between them, not faltering.

"Thank you, for bringing the letter", Magnus said, dusting his coat as he looked around the train station. He had waited there everyday for him, for his return, only to receive a letter and condolences. It was not enough.

She smiled, understanding the pain he felt, and wanting to comfort him. It was the first time they met, his dear Alexander not daring to introduce them before. Not that Magnus blamed him, in the contrary he understood it perfectly, but he sometimes forgot about the trivial worries of mortals. 

Magnus looked at the departing train, wishing he could just board it and leave everything behind. Perhaps a vacation would do good for him after all that had happened.

She raised her hand to stroke his shoulder, stepping a little closer.

"The funeral is next week, if you want to come"

He considered it for a moment, going there to grieve with everyone else, to say his final goodbyes. He knew she perhaps expected him to say yes, but Magnus couldn't do that, not even for his Alexander. He had lost far too many people to be able to get through another funeral with any dignity. He knew if he went, the heartbreak would find him, and overcome him. 

"No, I don't think I can"

"I'm sure he'd understand"

_I am happy that I will find you again, and that I get to love you again._

Magnus thought of his words, wishing that they were true. But he knew this would be it, as his grim reaper friend was always diligent in reminding him of the finality of death, that he would not come back. He might be reborn, but he would never be  _him_ again. 

Magnus only wished they'd have more time, that he'd gotten one last kiss, or one last embrace. That he'd gotten to tell him everything that now remained unsaid and that he'd get to run his fingers through his hair once more and watch him fall asleep in his arms. But now, he'd never get to hear his raspy morning voice again, or see the moonlight reflected on his porcelain skin. He'd never see him again, or touch him again, and those thoughts made him wish he would've died with him on the battlefield, like they once did in his silly dreams. 

"I know it hurts, but you'll get through this", she said then, her voice soft and full of kindness, "we all will."

"Thank you, Isabelle", he said, offering her a weak smile in reassurance. She let her hand fall down before adjusting the hem of her skirt and with one final smile, she left. Magnus only looked at the ground where she had stood, not yet able to move, as if he was waiting for the pain, and the realization of it all, to fully hit him, to knock him crying on the ground. He had wished this time would be different, that he'd get more time. But apparently that was never in the cards for him.

-

_and I will wait for you._

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**present day**

 

The streets were coated in white, that kind of powdery snow that Magnus knew would be gone by the morning, the stars not visible on the dark midnight sky. Magnus had often found himself looking up at the sky, its endless hues fascinating and so captivating. He had lived his long life with his head up in the skies and now he found himself missing the beautiful constellations, the symphony of stars not visible midst the grayness of New York. And just then, too, Magnus' dark eyes were looking at the infinite blackness of the winter sky, the serenity of it almost entrancing, pulling him along into the deep darkness. He supposed he found solace in the sky and the universe, too, for they were infinite like him, stretched too thin and pulled too tight and still expected to go on. Magnus knew all things had beginnings and endings too, but somehow he was not one of things. And neither was the universe.

He stole a quick glance at Alec before shifting his gaze to his feet instead, his black shoes beautifully contrasting the white streets, though Magnus could still see the gray asphalt underneath. They had been walking slowly, barely exchanging a word the whole way home, but Magnus had not yet lost hope. He had told Alec everything, every detail he could remember, and now there was not much left to do but wait - and Magnus did pride himself on his patience. Alec needed some time, and Magnus would give it to him, gladly. After all, he had spent most of his life waiting, for something or someone, Magnus was not yet sure, or at least that's how he often felt. That when he would find that something, everything would slide into place and he would have peace.

In the minutes that passed, or hours, Magnus wasn't sure, he stopped looking at the sky, and looked at Alec instead. His porcelain skin made even more beautiful by the little bruises adorning his neck, barely visible from under his jacket, his eyes dark in the night, but never as dark as his hair. And Magnus loved every detail of him, every little scratch that he had, the ink on his hands after school, his stiff shoulders that he often asked Magnus to take care of and all the little things, too - the way his hair looked after he had just woken up or how his legs were always cold when they were tangled together with his or the feeling of his heart beating against Magnus' chest. 

He often looked at Alec, and he often got caught too. Alec didn't blush so much anymore, not after they had gotten to know each other properly, and thoroughly, but his smiles were still shy when he noticed Magnus admiring him, looking at him as if there was nothing else worth looking at. Magnus knew Alec had three siblings and though he was the oldest one, he had grown up overshadowed and underappreciated - not that Alec had told him that last part specifically, but to Magnus who had seen the world and all of its people, it was more than obvious. Alec never felt as if he was worth the attention, or worth being seen. He had gotten used to the shadows, and to being secondary. But that's not how Magnus saw him. To Magnus, he was worth everything and even more than that. Magnus had seen him, and he had loved him and he wanted to make him know all that, too.

But as Alec turned to look at him then, his expression was a strange one. Not to Magnus specifically, to him it was a familiar expression he had seen too many times, but he had never seen it on Alec's features before. His eyes were stern, Magnus could see the lawyer in him, and his lips only a tight line as he studied him, brows furrowed in concentration as he tried to figure him out. Magnus knew Alec was a very logical person, always trying to find reason in all things, his head leading the way in everything he did. Magnus himself was quite different - he often let his heart dictate his actions, his feelings a more important aspect than his thinking. He was a lot more impulsive than Alec, too, though Alec's tendency to plan everything beforehand was a good quality and one that Magnus should learn too, instead of just going with the current without rhyme or reason. 

By the time they got home, Magnus felt afraid that Alec might just turn around and leave him there alone, his mind made up with no room for change. Magnus knew how stubborn Alec was, and at that moment he knew he was desperately trying to find something in the situation that he could understand, something familiar that he could hold on to. But he didn't leave, simply made his way upstairs like so many nights before, Magnus walking silently behind him. 

The loft was warm and welcoming, a shelter from the cold winter night, keeping away the bustling of the city outside. Magnus shrugged off his jacket, not caring where it landed as Alec hanged his on the coat rack beside the door. He sighed, rubbing his head as if to drive away a headache while making his way to the living room, Magnus following him quietly, not daring to utter a word. The silence was deafening, as if begging for someone to speak up, but Magnus stayed quiet, letting Alec call the shots. 

"Look I-", Alec started as he turned around, his hand gesturing towards Magnus as if he was accusing him. His eyes were on the floor, not meeting Magnus' as he searched for words. "I meant what I said earlier"

"About what?", Magnus asked, insecure.

"About us", he clarified, his eyes finding Magnus' as he closed some of the distance between them, "you mean a lot to me, Magnus. And I don't want to lose you"

Magnus could only stare at him in awe, caught completely off-guard by Alec's reaction. He had expected a lot of things - screaming, yelling, horrified silence - but not this. 

"And it's not like you're a- a grim reaper, like your friend Randall"

"Ragnor"

"Right", Alec said, rubbing the back of his head nervously. He sighed then, as he looked Magnus over, cautiously taking a step closer to him, "so it's not that big of a deal. You just, won't die. Which is good. And you don't have any horns or anything like that, so you're still the same you I know."

Magnus smiled at him softly, "no, I don't have horns."

"Good", Alec said with a chuckle, stepping closer to Magnus so he might take his hands in his, his thumb tracing comforting circles on his palm. He looked at Magnus intensely, his eyes dark with determination and Magnus couldn't help but feel relieved. He had been so afraid that no matter what he did, he would lose Alec - if he didn't tell him the truth, the lies and the deep silences would tear them apart but if he told him, Alec would leave him with horror in his eyes, calling him a demon like so many before him. Magnus had told the truth about him to some people, but with time he had learned that most couldn't handle the truth - and now it was hard to keep up with the number of people whose memories he had asked Ragnor to erase due to his lapses of judgement. So now he only told people when it was a must; he told Dot because she had grown up with the ability to see what normal people couldn't - including Ragnor with his grim reaper-invisiblity-hat - and so she wasn't surprised to learn of his peculiar life. And he had told Cat because he knew her, or had known her before, and it was rare to meet people across lifetimes. And now, he told Alec because he loved him. 

Alec raised Magnus' hands to his lips, kissing his knuckles gently, a small smile playing on his lips. 

"You continue to surprise me, Alexander"

"Good ways, I hope", Alec said as he let go of Magnus' hands, bringing his own to cup his face instead, pulling him in for a kiss. And Magnus sank into it, his knees almost buckling as Alec deepened the kiss, all the longing from the past few days pouring into it, all the desperation and love. Magnus let his hands settle on Alec's waist, bringing him even closer, not wanting anything to come between them ever again.

"You still don't have to rush into this, you know", Magnus whispered against his lips, his eyes lingering, "you should take time to think about it at least"

"I know", Alec responded, his voice husky, "I'm fine, I promise."

Magnus' eyes find his then, and for a beautiful moment he loses himself in the constellations, the warm brown that seems so dark in the quiet of the night, and he feels so grateful, that he has this person in his life who is unafraid and who  _stays,_ through everything. Someone who can share the weight of the world with him, every step of the way. Magnus leans in, resting his forehead against Alec's as he breathes him in, his eyes closed as he wonders if he's ever felt like that before. Has he ever been loved like this, cared for like this before? Has there really been anyone else, or has it been Alec all this time?   

It's an odd feeling, something he can't remember having experienced before, and something he knows he could never explain even if he tried to. It was that sort of familiarity, as if he had known Alec for twenty-years instead of little over two months. It was similar to when he saw Catarina for the first time at the hospital, just starting at her new job, and he recognized her instantly - her dark skin and her kind eyes, calloused hands and black hair.  _Hey, I know you._

But with Alec, it was a little different. It wasn't like seeing an old friend after decades, it was more like finding something you didn't know you were looking for, something you didn't know you needed _._ It was as if they'd been here before, their fingers tangled together, holding each other close and just breathing each other in, as if nothing else in the world could matter as much as each other. Magnus knew it wasn't true, that that wasn't how life worked, but it felt like the truth. He felt like home.

Alec pulled him in a hug then, wrapping his arms around him and bringing him as close as he could, his heart beating steady as he buried his face in the crook of Magnus' neck. 

"It must've been so hard for you"

Magnus' brows furrow a little as he settles into his embrace, his eyes wide open as he wonders what Alec means. "What?", he asks quietly, his voice small and insecure.

"Being immortal", Alec continues, hugging Magnus tighter, his other hand tangled in his hair and the other softly stroking his back, "watching the people you care about age and die."

Magnus' breath hitches then as he briefly closes his eyes, not wanting the night to end in tears. It had been hard to take the risk, to tell Alec everything, and though Magnus had played out the situation in his mind a million times over, he had not been prepared for Alec's reaction. Surprise; yes, confusion; yes, disbelief; yes. But the honest understanding and acceptance that Alec reached in the span of only a few hours baffled Magnus, rendering him speechless. He couldn't even in his wildest dreams imagine that Alec might want to comfort  _him_ and understand so fully what  _he_ had been going through instead of focusing on himself and his emotions and the way his worldview had changed. 

He took a deep breath as Alec pulled away, the softest smile on his lips as he looked at him with such fondness in his eyes and Magnus still couldn't understand how he could be so perfect. How that shy college student he had seen on the bus that one late morning could turn out to be everything to him. It seemed even after 1 000 years, Magnus still had no understanding of the ways of the world or the secrets of the universe. 

"I understand why you kept this from me", Alec said with a light chuckle, his eyes briefly darting away, "but- can you promise me you'll tell me stuff from now on?"

"I promise", Magnus said and meant it, his eyes honest as he looked at the miracle that was his Alexander, "I just hope you don't think less of me, because of all this"

"What? How could I?", Alec said, letting his hands run down Magnus' arms and then up to his shoulders, "I've always dreamed of meeting someone like you."

And then, Magnus found himself at a loss of words. He had no idea how to let Alec know just what he felt in that moment, how his honest declaration made him feel a certain way, sort of like that gentle fluttering he had felt the first time he had seen him, or the first time he had pulled him close and kissed him. It was like that fluttering, but only so much stronger, and so much purer and more honest.

Magnus raised his hand to stroke Alec's cheek, a wide smile spreading through him as he leaned in to kiss him, not able to form any coherent words to describe what he was feeling in that moment. He could feel Alec smiling against his lips, both of them too happy, almost giddy, to even kiss properly, small huffs of laughter escaping both of them as Magnus pulled Alec towards his bedroom, trying to pull off his shirt but failing miserably, his hands shaky from all the laughing and maybe tiredness too, Alec not succeeding much better as he tried to unbutton Magnus' shirt without looking. 

Both of them had their clothes somewhat on, somewhat off as Magnus pushed Alec against the wall, breathless from all the kisses, a smile still lingering on his lips as he looked at Alec's ruffled hair and wide smile, his eyes bright under the dim lights of his living room, and Magnus could see that the same constellations that decorated the night skies, were drawn in his eyes, too. He pressed a small kiss on Alec's lips before pulling away to shrug off his shirt, and as Alec leaned in to capture Magnus' lips in a kiss once more, his shirt half on-half off and his pants buttoned down, a small yawn escaped his lips, causing a fit of giggles to overcome Magnus, and Alec was soon laughing as well, both of them a little bit tired after the night they'd had. 

"You wanna, maybe, just go to bed?", Magnus mumbled against his lips, still smiling as Alec nodded.

"Yeah", he replied, all smiles as he pressed a small kiss on Magnus' cheekbone, "sounds good."

Alec pushed himself off the wall, taking Magnus' hand in his to pull him along, both of them removing their remaining clothes on the way to the bedroom. And Magnus had never been happier than he was in that very moment.

-

The next day was cold, the winds rough and unforgiving, and Magnus found himself fixing his scarf on more than one occasion, desperately trying to shield himself from the brisk air. Alec on the other hand seemed to thrive in the coldness, his cheeks red and his smile wide, a small bounce in his step as they walked hand in hand on the streets of New York. He had been excitedly chattering the whole morning, and nevermind Magnus' dripping nose and aching fingers, some of that joy radiated from Alec and found him, too. He couldn't help but smile whenever Alec smiled, his happiness more infectious than flu during early fall.

It was a rare day, because for once, both of them had a day off. Magnus leaned his head on Alec's shoulder, letting his chatter, his beautiful voice, flow around him - Magnus was sure he'd never tire of listening to Alec speak, no matter the topic. They were walking slowly and Magnus knew Ragnor would be angry if they were late, but he didn't seem to be able to care then. He had been so afraid and heartbroken about losing Alec, that now that he had him completely, he wasn't going to let go. He would enjoy every moment, no matter how mundane, because for once he had something constant in his life, something that wasn't going to go away for some time. 

Of course he knew Alec wasn't immortal, and that he was going to leave him one day, but Magnus couldn't find it in himself to care. He only wanted this moment, this day, now, with Alec - the one he loved. He had gotten so used to losing everything, and everyone, and because life was the way it was, he would lose Alec too, but for now, they would live. They had so many years ahead of them, that for once Magnus smiled, genuinely, when he thought of the future.  _Their_ future. 

Magnus angled his head so he might see Alec's face, his smile bright midst the lifeless trees and dark buildings, and just then Magnus felt so very tempted to kiss the tip of his red nose and his cheeks. Alec was way too adorable for his own good, and Magnus only wanted to cover every inch of him in kisses, and make him breakfast and cuddle with him on the couch, watch some movies and fall asleep in each other's arms. Alec had truly turned him into a "sappy pile of goo" like Dot had expressed it the other day, but Magnus didn't really mind. It had been so long since he had last had that feeling about someone, that he wanted to enjoy every second of it. 

He sighed then, turning his head slightly so he might press a small kiss right behind Alec's ear.

"What are you doing?", Alec asked, still smiling though his brows furrowed slightly in confusion.

"Nothing", Magnus replied, stepping in front of Alec and grabbing the front of his jacket, pulling him down, "but I've been wanting to do this for a while", he said before kissing both of Alec's cheeks and the tip of his nose, causing him to huff slightly in surprise. 

Magnus smiled as he let go of Alec's coat, turning to walk away but only managing a single step before Alec grabbed his hand, pulling him back in for a proper kiss. Magnus raised his hands to cup Alec's face, his thumbs tracing the sharp lines of his cheekbones, while Alec pulled him even closer, his hands around his waist. Magnus angled his head a bit to deepen the kiss, and he smiled a bit as Alec sighed into his mouth, his other hand now on the small of Magnus' back, the other tangled in his hair. 

"Don't get too excited", Magnus whispered as he pulled away, a playful grin on his lips as Alec chased after him, "we still have to meet Ragnor"

"Nuh-uh", Alec replied, leaning in closer, "I wanna take you back home"

Magnus smiled as he leaned back, enjoying Alec's eagerness, "do I need to remind you that Ragnor is a grim reaper?"

Alec's eyes darted away from his lips for a second then, as he clearly pondered Magnus' words, and he could almost see the wheels turning in Alec's head as he considered their options.

"So let's get going then, we wouldn't want to be late now, would we?", he said with a rather high-pitched tone, as if he had only then remembered that they were even supposed to meet someone, let alone a grim reaper. Perhaps Magnus had gotten a little bit carried away on their little walk, as well, his mind elsewhere as they had walked leisurely, Alec's stories consuming his mind, not leaving room for meetings with grim reapers.

Magnus only laughed as Alec grabbed his hand, pulling him along with a much more hurried pace than before. The café where they were supposed to meet was quite far away from Magnus' loft, but it had been a nice day for a walk and it gave Magnus much more time to lovingly gaze at Alec. The skies were clear, though the sun was still stubbornly hiding somewhere behind the tall buildings, making the winds that much colder. But it truly was a beautiful day, made even more beautiful by Alec and his small smiles. And, for the first time in a very long time, Magnus finally had somewhere else to look, other than the never ending rows of buildings or the strangers that passed him. He finally had a shoulder to lean on, and someone who he could silently gaze at. It was a wonderful thought.

The streets were busy and Magnus grabbed Alec's hand tighter, pulling him a bit closer. The rest of the way passed in silence, but neither of them really seemed to mind. Alec was stealing glances at Magnus, his grin wider than before, and Magnus leaned on him again, as if he was unconsciously gravitating towards Alec. And so they walked hand in hand towards the café to their very odd meeting with Ragnor and his apprentice. 

It was all very weird, even to Magnus, and he was pleasantly surprised by Alec's calmness. Magnus was sure that even if he had all of his memories, he still wouldn't be able to remember anyone else who had reacted in such a way, and still be selfless enough to worry about Magnus rather than himself. Alec was a very rare person indeed, and Magnus felt lucky that he had found him.

"You're late", Ragnor said as they stepped inside the café, not even turning to look at them. 

"We got little, uh, caught up", Magnus replied simply as they made their way to where Ragnor and Steven were already sitting. The place was not very crowded, only a few people were scattered here and there, essentially the only noise coming from the kitchen and the small TV that was hanging on the far end wall.

Ragnor didn't say anything to his comment, only kept looking at the TV, though Magnus knew there was no way he could hear even a word of what anyone was saying, because it was turned down quite low.

"But seriously Ragnor, how do you find these places?", Magnus said as he sat down, looking around the small café as Alec sat beside him.

"There's someone here I need to kill", Ragnor said omniously, looking somewhere behind Alec's shoulder before turning back with a grin, "just kidding, I have coupons."

"Really, Ragnor?", Magnus said with a stern look, completely unimpressed by his bad jokes now that Alec was there.

"I thought it'd be funny"

"Maybe wait a little so Alec can get used to all this before saying stuff like that", Magnus suggested, but Ragnor only rolled his eyes at him.

"So, you're grim reapers?", Alec asked in disbelief, as if Ragnor and Sheldon weren't what he'd been expecting.

"For the last 700-something-years, yes", Ragnor replied almost smugly as if committing a sin to become a grim reaper was something to be proud of. 

Alec nodded slowly, his hands crossed on his lap to stop them from fidgeting, and he turned his head a little then to see if there was a waiter anywhere. Magnus tried to watch him out of the corner of his eye, to make sure he was really okay with all that was happening, and he reached out to grab his hand and squeezed it lightly to let him know he was there.  _You are not alone._ Magnus knew, after all, from personal experience that all this could be very confusing. He remember only gaps from his childhood, but he did remember growing up alone and afraid, wondering what was wrong with him, why he was different from everyone else, and what they meant when they called him a demon.

Alec glanced at him quickly, shooting him a reassuring smile, before turning his attention back to the two reapers sitting across from them, both of them looking at the TV.

"And how long have you been a grim reaper?", Alec asked, looking at Shiloh, his eyebrows a little furrowed as he waited for his reply.

"For like a year and a half, it's actually pretty nifty", Saul answered, his eyes eager as they often were and his smile bright as he leaned forward a bit, his attention now fully on Alec. Magnus had always thought that he didn't look even remotely like a grim reaper, or someone that could commit any kind of sin to justify being one. In Magnus opinion, he looked far too innocent, at least compared to Ragnor who looked very capable of mass murder. That was something Magnus often joked about too, though Ragnor didn't find it as funny as he did.  _Magnus, for the last time, I am not a murderer!_ he would always say, and then Magnus would proceed to make another guess of what his big sin had been. Their friendship was odd, and Catarina often pointed this out, but Magnus very much enjoyed it and wouldn't change a thing.

"If Ragnor hands you a contract, don't sign it", Magnus said offhandedly, letting go of Alec's hand to fiddle with his collar that was sticking out from under his coat.

"What do you mean?", Alec asked, his brows furrowing both in alarm and confusion.

"If you sign anything with a grim reaper he can take away your soul", he explained.

"Why do you sound like you're speaking from personal experience?", Stan chimed in, leaning forward in his seat as if he was suddenly very interested in their conversation.

"It's complicated", Magnus said as he turned to glare at Ragnor, who in turn was busy slurping his milkshake.

Alec looked at Magnus with a strange expression for a while longer, not sure how to respond to his comment, but ultimately deciding to remain silent. He tapped his fingers on the table a few times before leaning in, his eyes darting across the café as Magnus looked at him out of the corner of his eye, hoping that all of this - his immortality and grim reapers and whatnot - hadn't been too soon. It had been Alec's idea to meet them and he seemed relatively fine, but Magnus still worried. He worried that his calmness was only a facade, ready to crumble at any moment, that in reality he was already planning his escape routes. Magnus shook his head a little, trying to stop his mind from spiraling and turned his attention back to the two reapers sitting across from them, but more than anything he wished that he could read Alec's mind. 

He knew they could overcome this, all of it, together. He had suggested that they take baby steps, and just meet Cat and Dot first but Alec had insisted that they jump all in. And so here they were, having brunch with two grim reapers. It was an unusual morning even to Magnus, but he was confident that everything was going to be alright.

Alec glanced at them briefly before closing his eyes for a second, taking deep breaths. Magnus could feel his own heart racing, his hand raising to fiddle with his earring as he feared for the worst.

"And you're all immortal?", Alec clarified after a while, gesturing towards the three of them.

Ragnor turned to look at Alec for the first time then, "essentially, yes", he started, his hands crossed in front of him on the table as he studied him, "we serve our sentences and then we die."

"The shortest sentence was like, 250 years", Silas stated very excitedly, shifting restlessly in his seat.

"No, it was 50 years", Ragnor corrected, turning his attention from Alec to Sawyer, "don't you read the company email?"

"Oh, right"

Alec shifted a little in his seat before turning to look at Magnus with a slightly amused expression and Magnus couldn't help but chuckle himself. And so as he watched Alec trying to hide his grins, he felt relieved. Even after their conversation the night before Magnus felt a little off, as if some of the puzzle pieces didn't quite yet fit. Alec had been accepting of him, but what of his somewhat strange friends? Magnus himself was only immortal, but could Alec handle knowing that grim reapers and whatnot did in fact exist and his new boyfriend knew a few of them? But as he watched Alec smiling, his shoulders relaxed, his hands were no longer shaky and he felt as though he could breathe freely again.

Everything was going to be alright.

"And what's with the matching hats, do you have to wear those?", Alec asked then, snapping Magnus out of his thoughts.

Magnus chuckled as Ragnor and Stanley inspected their hats, as if they were surprised that they were there.

"They are a bit drab, aren't they?"

"They make us invisible to humans", Ragnor explained, ignoring Magnus' remark.

Alec raised his eyebrows in surprise, glancing briefly at Magnus as if making sure they weren't lying. "You can turn invisible?"

"I can turn invisible, too", Magnus stated nonchalantly as Ragnor turned to glare at him.

"No you can't"

"I can too"

"You don't have any skills, you're just immortal", Ragnor said, squinting his eyes at Magnus as he leaned forward a bit, "that's the only thing you're good at; not dying"

"Watch it, or I might just set your hat on fire", Magnus said, pointing his finger at Ragnor's hat threateningly. Alec chuckled and shook his head lightly, he and Sermon exchanging amused looks and sarcastic eyerolls at his and Ragnor's silly banter. 

"Well, Simon and I should get going anyway", Ragnor said then, shooting a one last glare at Magnus before standing up, "we have our next client in a half an hour."

Alec turned to look at Magnus then, and with slight horror in his eyes he mouthed the word 'client' before glancing at Ragnor and Scott who were walking away. Magnus only shrugged in response, not wanting to permanently scar Alec by telling him all the details of Ragnor's job. 

They rose up then and left the table, walking some steps behind the two reapers but Magnus could still see how Ragnor turned to eye Alec before exiting the café. Perhaps he was as surprised by him as Magnus was.

After that they walked in silence, and Magnus noticed just how much he missed Alec’s usual chatter as the other man only kept to himself. Magnus found himself glancing at him too, from time to time, as if that way he could figure out what was going on in his head. But no matter how tempted he felt, he knew to let Alec determine the pace, so that he might come to terms with all of it in his own time.

And though he had seemed fine during their brunch, he seemed to be lost in his thoughts now as they walked through the park, side by side. And maybe Magnus was a little lost, too, his mind darting between millions of thoughts as he tried to analyze the pauses between them. He simply wanted to know if Alec was alright, but was somehow afraid to ask, and to disturb the silence between them.

And so he took a deep breath instead, the winter air cold in his lungs, burning somehow, and he looked at Alec for a moment then, his cheeks red again, causing Magnus’ heart to flutter. Even after 1 000 years, his heart still felt so young.

Magnus glanced down at his feet then, shuffling them a bit before raising his eyes to meet the skyline of New York in winter, his mind finally calm as he spoke.

"Ragnor always used to say that there is no love that lasts for eternity", Magnus began, looking up at the white sky and the bare trees, his hands in his pockets as he walked, "but that there is no sadness that lasts for eternity, either"

Alec turned to look at him then with a strange expression, a line appearing between his eyes as he matched his pace.

Magnus glanced at him briefly with a smile, "he thought it'd cheer me up."

"Did it?"

Magnus huffed a laugh, looking at his shoes, "no, I always wanted to believe that there was"

"Which one?", Alec asked, tilting his head a little, his expression a curious one.

"What?"

"Which one did you want to believe in, sadness or love?"

Alec was looking at him with a soft expression, and Magnus could feel his heart fluttering again as they walked leisurely. Alec's hands were clasped behind his back and for a fleeting moment he looked like a soldier to Magnus before he turned away, his eyes scanning the people that passed them as Magnus chose his words.

"Sad love"

Alec stopped walking then, his arms falling limp against his sides as he looked at Magnus, not sure what he meant. Magnus stopped in front of him, taking his hand in his, squeezing it lightly. "I always hoped that there would be something that would last forever, something concrete that would be a constant in my life. An eternal happiness", he started, Alec looking at him silently.

"Something that everyone knows, but what you really only understand when you live through it all is that all things have endings. People and all that they built, eras and even more mundane things like music and books. There was nothing that lasted, nothing but me. Everything I once knew, is not here anymore."

Magnus looked past Alec then, at nothing in particular, his breathing heavy as he held his hand to ground himself in the moment, his eyes distant and dark. Alec was quiet, letting him finish what he had started, but his eyes were pained as he fought the urge to wrap Magnus in his arms and never let him go. 

His breath hitched as he took a deep breath before continuing, "the days only got longer and longer, and I would always hope that whatever I had would last. That everything would be there the next day, and the day after that. And now, I can't even remember the names of the people I lost, or that song that has been playing in my head since the 20s, or who gave me that hideous oil-painting I have in my bedroom or that turntable I broke thirty years ago. I can't remember, and what's the point of being immortal if you can't remember what used to be?"

"And only after all these years, I understood that there was something that had kept me company all this time, something that I never forgot. So I never really believed Ragnor's words, because to me, there was sadness and love, both that had lasted all this time. I have loved many things, and people too, and they always made me feel like everything was going to be alright - like life was worth living. But I would lose them, like I always did, and the sadness that followed lived in a heartbreaking harmony with the love that I still felt. Neither disappeared, and it round and round it went, as Ragnor would say. Nevermind my losses, and the fact that I would lose everything I had no matter what, I still loved. And I still do."

Magnus turned to look at Alec then, a broken smile on his lips as he let go of his hand. 

"Sad love"

There was a hole in the road as he walked away, not able to bear the look Alec had on his features. Immortality was something that sounded perfect, and peaceful even. You never had to worry about dying and you were able to see the world evolve, and change, all of its wonders right before your eyes. But what no one quite seemed to realize was that life lost its meaning when you erased the most important aspect of it. People were meant to live and die, they weren't supposed to see more than what was meant for them or experience more than was destined. And Magnus had believed in destiny once, too, when he had been a lot younger and so much more naive. But when his life only stretched on and on, it lost all of it's meaning. Life was beautiful because it was fleeting, because nothing was permanent. Because the choices you made could alter the very course of the world. Every moment was precious, because once it was gone, you couldn't have it back. You would never be what you once were, you would never be there again.

But Magnus' life had no course, no meaning, no nothing. He only was. He felt stretched, and why wouldn't he when he was supposed to die at 30 due to some plague or another. But instead the entire world was hoisted on his shoulders, and he needed to carry the weight of everything. He felt so empty then as the thought occurred to him, and he stopped walking, raising his head toward the sky and breathed deep, letting the cold air blow over him.

He could hear Alec's steps nearing him, slow and cautious, and soon he was beside him, his eyes calm as he looked at Magnus, the winds playing with his dark hair. "I don't believe it."

Magnus turned to look at him with furrowed brows, not understanding what he meant. "What?"

"I don't believe in your sad love", he said then, turning away and swaying a little on the balls of his feet as he looked at the people that passed them, the empty benches a bitter reminder of the harshness of winter. But Magnus could only look at him, his eyes tearing up a little as he wondered what he meant. 

"I think love can last for as long as you'd let it, and even transcend lifetimes", Alec glanced at him briefly before turning away again, his hands in his pockets, "I mean look at you and Catarina; you met in another lifetime but found each other in this one, too."

And as Magnus looked at Alec, he felt as if there was something else there that he had not seen before. He looked the same, but there was something new to his voice as he spoke confidently of something he could possibly know nothing about. He looked older then, and Magnus knew there was some truth to his words, but he had experienced far too much pain to believe that true love existed in reality. Catarina did not remember her past life, after all, and never could.

"I believe people can find each other across lifetimes, even if neither of them are immortal", Alec said with a small chuckle and flashed his lopsided grin at Magnus, instantly lifting his spirits. 

"And if one of them is?"

Alec's smile grew ever wider as he took Magnus' hand, pulling him along through the park once more. "Then you'll find me, won't you?"

In that moment, Alec reminded Magnus so much of someone he had used to known, and his brows furrowed intensely as he tried to remember. Had there been someone here before, with him, holding his hand and begging him to remember and to find him again? Had he been here before, in this very moment, with someone else? It felt impossible, but at the same time very familiar, as if those exact words had been spoken to him before.  _You'll find me, won't you?_

Magnus shook his head lightly to clear it and offered Alec a reassuring smile. "I will, I promise I will."

-

The following afternoon was a lazy one, the sun was shining faintly through the windows, reflecting beautifully on the fresh snow, the city vibrant and bustling outside, but neither of them could be bothered by anything. They had barely moved the entire day, Magnus had even made Alec breakfast in bed and they were both still in their pyjamas, though Magnus' shirt had gotten lost sometime during the day, and now it was abandoned on the floor beside the bed. Magnus' eyes were closed as he laid against Alec, his breathing slow as if he was falling asleep while Alec read his book, the turning of the pages and the beating of his heart the only sounds Magnus heard. 

The sun was playfully dancing on the walls, small dots here and there, melting away the coldness of winter. Magnus opened his eyes to look outside, the slowly falling snow more forgiving than the small blizzard that morning. The windows were covered in frost, the frozen images of snowflakes a beautiful sight, and Magnus sighed contently then. These small, infinite moments with Alec were his absolute favorite thing, and he wished time would just stop, and not find them at all. The feeling of Alec beside him, his heart beating, was all Magnus could hope to have for the rest of his days. Tomorrow was so easy to forget when he was with him. 

And Magnus couldn't help but feel normal then, as if there was nothing special about the two of them. He closed his eyes again, and let go of the weight on his shoulders, his immortality, all the heartbreak and loss - all of it. He decided, in that moment, not to worry about any of it anymore, not for as long as Alec was there with him. He would only enjoy whatever time they had, and not concern himself with the ways of the world. He smiled a little then, and he felt so young, as if he indeed was only thirty years old instead of little under 1 000 years. As if the biggest troubles in his life was what to get for Alec for his graduation, or worrying about gray hairs and crow's feet. 

Magnus felt as if he was falling in love all over again, Alec's arms warm around him, his head safely against his chest, rising with his steady breathing. He was lazily tracing circles on Alec's stomach, his skin soft under his touch, and he angled his head a little then, to press a small kiss right on the little scar Alec had on his abdomen. Magnus opened his eyes, propping himself up so he might see Alec better, who had stopped reading a while ago, his hand leisurely tugging at Magnus' hair, his eyes blissfully closed. Magnus smiled, sure that Alec would soon fall asleep, and so he untangled Alec's hand from his hair, holding it in his own hands instead, pressing soft kisses on his knuckles. 

Magnus felt as if time was standing still, as if the world around them had moved on without them, left them alone and forgotten. It was a very forgiving thought, for time had been Magnus’ enemy all his life. Perhaps just this once he could have peace instead.

And he couldn’t stop the gentle fluttering in his heart as he listened to Alec’s steady heartbeat, letting his head fall back against his chest as silence reigned in their home.

Alec stirred a little then, his eyes fluttering open to see Magnus already looking at him.

"What time is it?", he asked, lifting his free hand to rub his eyes, "I have to get to class."

"I have no idea"

Alec only sighed contently in response, letting his hand fall flat on his side. He took a deep breath, shifting a little as he placed the book on the nightstand beside the bed, unread.

"I fell asleep there for a second", he said, his voice a little dry, and he coughed a couple of times to clear it, sitting up a little straighter. Magnus rose with him, now leaning against his side, Magnus' head resting safely against Alec's neck, his arm around Magnus' shoulders and the other playing with his fingers, his hand safely in his.

"I could tell"

"For the last time, Magnus, I don't snore"

"I didn't say it, you did", he teased, angling his head so he might capture Alec's reaction, but he was only smiling, trying, and failing at feigning annoyance. Alec was silent for a little while then, his eyes looking at Magnus' fingers, how pale his own looked in comparison, and he fiddled with each of his rings, twisting and turning them before clearing his throat again.

"Magnus?"

"Yes, my angel?"

"I love you"

 _The sun was shining right in his eyes as he lifted his hand to use as a shade, not wanting to miss a single moment, wanting to remember every second of it. He could see him clearly then, running across the beach, shouting something incoherent as Magnus sat beside the waves, his legs almost in the crystal waters, still cold despite the sun._ _He was running and running, sometimes turning back to look at Magnus, to make sure he was watching before sprinting off again. But Magnus was always looking at him, and he always saw him._

_He took a deep breath then, his lips curving slightly with a smile, his skin golden under the blazing sun, and for the first time in his life, he was in love._

_Magnus could see him turning again, out of breath as he leaned on his knees, now walking as he made his way back to him. Magnus tilted his head slightly, his eyes fond as he watched him. He was saying something, but Magnus couldn't hear him - the crashing of the waves loud in his ears. He was getting closer now, Magnus could see he was laughing as he started running again, his black hair flowing beautifully in the wind._

_"I love you!"_

_Magnus could hear him then, as he got closer and closer, his steps heavy on the sand, and he turned to look at him more fully then. His blue eyes were shining as he finally reached him, kneeling in front of him in haste as he cupped Magnus' face in his hands, gentle, as though he was holding something very dear._

_"I love you, Magnus", he repeated, leaning closer, almost hovering over Magnus._

_And just then, Magnus' heart bounced from the heavens to the earth with dizzying speed, and with a thump, and a thump-thump, Magnus knew he had never felt quite like that. He was still young, but as he looked into his sapphire eyes, his hand almost instinctively raising to hold his, he knew nothing could ever match that feeling. He'd never get that feeling again. He'd never be here again._

_His heart is ready to burst then, and even though he knows that they both feel the same way and that they had already shown it to each other time and again, he can’t help but feel a little anxious to say the words out loud, for the first time in his life. But in that moment as he looked into the deep blue eyes of his lover, he feels ready to love, truly. He has, after all, spent all his life alone with no one to love but with so much love to give._

_And so the words fall out of his mouth easily and into his, where they belonged._

_"I love you, too"_

Magnus' breath hitched then, his eyes wide open and he stumbled backwards, his breathing erratic as he looked at Alec, who sat up straight with surprise written all over his features. 

"You- you", he whispered, incoherent, not at all sure what had just happened. He shook his head a little to clear it, a worry appearing between Alec's eyes as he tried to read the situation.

 _You used to have blue eyes,_ he thought, finishing his own sentence. 

"Magnus, ah, I'm sorry, was that sudden or-"

"No, no! Oh dear, no", Magnus quickly reassured, smiling as he climbed onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck while pressing a small kiss on Alec's forehead, "I love you, too. So much."

Alec huffed a laugh, almost relieved that Magnus felt the same way, though Magnus was sure his feelings had been more than obvious to Alec for some time. He leaned in and let his forehead rest against Magnus', a lopsided smile playing on his lips.

"What was all that, then?"

"I'm not sure", Magnus admitted, opening his eyes to briefly look at Alec before leaning back, wanting to properly see him. "But I think that you just made me remember something."

"Remember? Aren't most of your memories gone?"

"They are," he started, just then realizing the weight of what had just happened, "how did you do that?"

 _Is it you? Really you?_ Magnus' mind was scattered all over the place, jumping from one incoherent thought to another, trying to collect enough pieces to form any kind of idea of what had just happened. He had remembered something, for the first time in his very long life,  _he remembered._ Or perhaps, had this happened before and he simply couldn't remember that either? And who was that boy he had seen, both of them still so young in his memory, happily running on the beach without a care in the world? And how, dear God, could he look exactly like the man he saw before him now, well, mostly same except for the small stubble his Alec had and-

_and the eyes._

His Alec had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen - the soft hazel colour so utterly simple, so ordinary, yet something Magnus could swear he had never seen before. It was so completely  _him_ in the most unforgettable way, their colour something Magnus could see as he closed his eyes, and in his dreams too, his eyes haunted him. But that boy had blue eyes, the deepest blue Magnus had ever seen, like oceans under the midnight sky, so dark, yet so captivating. And Magnus had loved him. Deeply. He could feel that even now, as the memory had passed, he could still feel the truth his words had held, how he did love him. 

_Could it be you? Was it you, all along?_

He blinked his eyes rather rapidly then, his mind running a mile a minute, not able to distinguish between the boy in his memory and the man in front of him, who was looking sternly somewhere behind him, also deep in thought. 

"What did you see?"

"Huh?"

"Your memory. What did you see then?"

"Oh", Magnus scratched his head offhandedly, his hand toying with the small earring he had, "I think- I think I saw someone I used to love"

_I saw you._

"Who was it?", Alec asked, shifting a little, his legs probably falling asleep.

_It was you._

"I don't know", he replied, not yet sure what he had seen, or if it was true what he thought, or simply coincidence. Maybe he just had a type. Or maybe he simply  _thought_ he had seen Alec, when in reality the boy in his memory had only resembled him slightly. It was all so very hazy and fresh, he had no clue what to make of everything he had just seen, especially since he was sure it had never happened before. 

He traced his fingers across Alec’s cheekbones, and the bridge of his nose, the shapes of everything so familiar to him. Perhaps more familiar than he had initially thought. He didn’t know it was possible, had never even in his wildest dreams been able to imagine something like this happening. That his perfect, wonderful Alexander had, perhaps, been right here with him, all along.

“Magnus? Are you alright?”, he could hear him asking, worry evident in his tone, but Magnus’ mind was elsewhere. He closed his eyes briefly again, taking a few deep breaths before meeting Alec’s gaze once more.

Surely it couldn’t be possible that after almost a thousand years the very same Alexander had found his way back to Magnus. The same soul, and the same heart had come back to him. But it couldn’t be possible, Magnus knew it couldn’t and yet…

There were a lot of impossible things in the world, weren’t there?

“I’m fine”, he lied, his heart racing as he smiled brokenly, his entire worldview shifting as he considered the possibilities.

Alec eyed him suspiciously before standing up, picking up his clothes from where they were haphazardly thrown on the floor, his evening class starting in an hour. “Are you sure? I can skip class if you need me to”

Magnus stood up then too, his smile more convincing as he cupped Alec’s face. “I need you to go to school. I’ll be fine, I promise”

Alec nodded then, as he put on his sweatshirt and leaned in to give Magnus a kiss.

“I just need some time to figure this out”, Magnus added as they pulled apart and Alec furrowed his brows.

“We can figure it out together”

“Of course, my dear”

And as he watched Alec walk out of the door, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, grounding himself in the reality as he played his newfound memory in his mind, over and over again. And like magic, he could almost feel the winds playing with his hair, the water cold beneath his feet and the sun in his eyes. It felt so real and so familiar that it made Magnus ache.

In that moment, the memory fresh in his mind, he realized that the infinite longing that he felt and the feeling of always being on the outside looking in, all of that was just him aching for a time that was long gone. He was homesick for places that no longer existed and longed for people that had died centuries ago.

Perhaps that was why he often felt like he was always looking for something or waiting for something. The puzzle pieces just never quite fit in his life, because most of them were missing and some were broken, as well. He was a man out of time, but also not.

He huffed a small laugh, shaking his head a little as he realized just how complex he was. It was no wonder so many people couldn’t bear to be with him; he was simply too much for them to handle.

He looked back at the door then, Alec long gone as Magnus wondered just what his memory meant. If it had truly been Alec that he saw, could it be perhaps that he had been by his side the whole time? He could barely remember it, but he knew there had been some people who had been with him all of their mortal life and he could not help but wonder if Alec had been one of them.

Had he been all of them? Just how many times had they met before?

His head felt so very clouded then, hazy and overworked and he decided to make himself a margarita. Maybe some steak, too. He sighed as he made his way towards the kitchen, his feet dragging on the floor and he felt so exhausted even though he had done practically nothing all day. And yet he ached all over and he could feel a headache forming as well. He figured he should let Cat and Ragnor know about his memory as well, but he knew he could always do it later. Right now, he only cared about finding some food.

He rummaged around in the kitchen, searching his cabinets that were still messed up from that one time Alec had tried to cook dinner, trying to find something to eat so some of his nausea might leave him in peace. He had gone through enough for one day. Perhaps even a bath would do him good.

But even with a steak and some drinks, the memory didn’t leave him. He supposed it was good that he hadn’t forgotten it right away, it gave him hope that he might be able to hold onto it a little longer. He had, after all, liked the feelings it had brought back to him.

And what seemed even more important then, was that Magnus actually could remember. He had lived his life with only one certainty; that no matter what, he would forget. But now, everything had shifted and nothing seemed to be what it had been before. The one thing Magnus had known to be absolutely and utterly true, wasn’t.

He could remember.

And if he had remembered the first time he had said those three little words to someone, maybe he could remember all of those times. Maybe he could remember everything. His breath hitched a little with the thought of regaining everything he had lost - all the people and all the memories - and getting back the sense of who he really was.

After all this time, could he really have that?

He could feel a smile tugging at his lips with the thought of it, and suddenly he felt so very light, as if nothing in the world could touch him. Perhaps he was allowed this one joy among all of his losses, that after all this time it wouldn’t have been for nothing. Losing all of those people wouldn’t have been for nothing. He could remember and and cherish all of those memories once more, even though he had long since given up hope of ever holding onto anything. And now he could.

-

And so later that evening Magnus could not sleep, but it wasn't because he was restless or because his mind was racing. No, for once it was because he was all too fond to fall asleep, or to move even. Alec was laying on his lap, his head heavy against Magnus' legs, for they had fallen asleep right before Alec had. His snoring was quiet, filling in the spaces of silence in their home and Magnus' breath was hitching slightly then, his nose sniffling as he touched his head, pushing away some stray hairs that had fallen on his face. His fingers grazed the spot right behind Alec's ear, where he loved to press kisses in the mornings and he smiled at the memory.

He loved how Alexander felt so solid under his touch, and it calmed him, for everything else in his life seemed to be shifting. He had lived believing that he would forget all things, and once that happened, they were gone forever. But now he had regained some of his memories, so it seemed that they were perhaps not lost or gone after all. Maybe they were simply hiding somewhere inside his mind, somewhere he could not reach.

But Alec could.

Alec stirred then as Magnus' fingers pulled a little at his hair, but he did not wake up. Magnus' other hand moved across his chest, his skin warm under Magnus’ touch as he traced the lines of his muscles and his many scars and as Magnus leaned closer to press a kiss to his forehead, he could taste a fighter. His hand moved again, lingering over Alec's hips as his other one found his hand and tangled their fingers together. He studied their joined hands, how his own seemed almost golden in comparison to Alec's marble, and how plain Alec's looked when put together with the jewelry adorning Magnus' fingers. But then again, those small differences seemed to fit both of them perfectly for Alec was much more plain in nature, never aware of his own beauty or the effect he had on other people whereas Magnus enjoyed the attention he got and knew it was all well deserved. He had never shied away from the spotlights, but Alec was more used to the shadows.

Magnus sighed then, his mind wandering once again as he admired the shapes and lines that formed his beautiful Alexander, and he wondered if he would ever find the truth of his existence. He had tried to find it out more eagerly when he had been younger, much younger, and Ragnor had even helped him after they had met, but they never seemed to find anything out. Ragnor had never seen such a thing as Magnus, and he himself didn’t seem to remember anything of importance. Everything they tried always turned out to be a dead end and so after some centuries, they gave up. And for many years Magnus had thought that to be the end of it, until he met Alec.

Alec had instantly stirred something inside of him, as if a part of him he had not known was even there had awoken. And now it seemed that Alec was a much bigger piece in the puzzle than Magnus could’ve ever anticipated. Since he had given Magnus back some of his memories, he might be able to unlock the rest of them, too. Magnus knew of course that it might not be that simple, that maybe it was a coincidence that he had remembered just as Alec had confessed to him or maybe it wasn’t a memory but only a dream.

Essentially, he had no idea what it had been, but he was still determined that he and Alec could figure it out - together. They had gotten through worse things, this would be nothing in comparison.

There was a knock on the door, two sharp ones that pulled Magnus out of his thoughts and he knew who it was even before he tore his eyes away from Alec to see Ragnor walk through his door.

“Oh good you’re both here”, Ragnor said, not slowing down even as he saw Alec asleep, "are you busy?", he asked without a pause, his steps heavy in the quiet apartment as he made his way to where Magnus and Alec were.

Magnus focused again solely on Alec, his eyes fond as he watched him, "yes, I'm busy."

Ragnor squinted his eyes at him in disbelief and walked right in front of Magnus anyway. “Well, I figured that since your newfound memory is absolutely useless, I might put my abilities to use.”

“You have abilities? Ragnor, I don’t think that exa-”

“Now’s not the time, Magnus”, Ragnor hissed through gritted teeth as Magnus only smiled slyly, his attention still on Alec.

“I thought that if you are sure that it was Alec you saw, maybe his past will tell us something”, he continued, his usual confidence faltering as Magnus raised his eyes to meet his.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, that if I touch him, I can see his past lives”, Ragnor said, his hands gesturing wildly in front of him, “and his future too, but that’s not important right now.”

“And you’ve been hiding this ability all these years?”, Magnus asked, his voice raised and he could feel Alec stirring again.

“It’s a trade secret” Ragnor muttered offhandedly, waving his hand nonchalantly as if it was no big deal that he had withheld this information all this time.

Magnus grabbed Alec’s hand more tightly then as Ragnor turned to look at him, his eyes stern and unforgiving, cold in nature and he stepped a little further away from Alec as if not to wake him up. Magnus glanced at Alec briefly before standing up too, carefully placing Alec’s head on the pillows that decorated his couch and made his way to where Ragnor was.

Ragnor shuffled his feet a little, his hands shaky as he looked at Magnus then, uncertainty suddenly pouring over him in waves, his whole demeanor shifting. He turned briefly to look past Magnus at Alec’s sleeping form on the couch, his eyes full of something Magnus had never seen there before. _Emotion._

They were both silent for a while longer before Ragnor turned back to look at Magnus for a moment, and then again at Alec. “I’ve never seen anything like this. That he could’ve been here all this time, with you.”

Magnus turned around then too, and for a fleeting moment both of them looked at Alec, two immortal souls and a mortal one, but somehow they had all been here, on earth, for almost a thousand years. Ragnor had told Magnus of his human life, of the only thing he knew about it; he had been human in the same time as Magnus had briefly been mortal, and he had suffered in hell for little over 200 years before returning as a grim reaper. He and Magnus were, essentially, the same age. And now Alec seemed to be, too, but in a much different way. If he had been here once, the chances were he had been here twice, or even more than that. They might’ve been here together, too.

The possibility of it frightened both of them, for neither of them had ever believed that such a thing could happen. Ragnor was familiar with all the rules of life and death, and the fact that he found Alec peculiar said a lot.

 _“People can be reborn. Some even with the same looks as before, but they are never the same. And unlike many humans believe, it is not an eternal circle, you can only do it so many times. Usually people have three lives, so any more than that would be peculiar”,_ Ragnor had once explained it to Magnus, trying to make him feel better about losing the ones he loved by giving him hope that they might come back in one way or another. But Ragnor had never been so good with feelings, or words, and had only succeeded in making Magnus miss his loved ones that much more.

But now his words made him think. Alec had been here before, but had that been his first life? Or his second, or third? Was this one his last?

It was a thought Magnus didn’t yet dare to entertain, and so he lightly shook his head to chase away the awful thoughts, and only focused on Alec. Ragnor was with him then, they hadn’t dared to wake him up because it was very likely that there would be nothing for Ragnor to see. That the boy in Magnus’ memory had been someone else entirely, and his love wrecked brain had only seen Alec. So he would tell him if there was anything to tell, anything at all.

And so Ragnor slowly made his way through the loft back to where Magnus was standing, his arms crossed. Magnus looked at him with his eyebrows raised in a silent question, his hands fidgety as he tried to make himself a margarita to calm his nerves.

“3 lifetimes”, Ragnor simply blurted out, “and I saw you there, too”, he continued with no time for recovery.

Magnus simply nodded, not sure what to do with the information now that he had it, though it did somehow make him feel better, and lighter somehow. At least now everything wasn’t only up for speculation, but he _knew_ he had been right from the start. It had been Alec that he saw.

Magnus turned to look at Ragnor with a question in his mind then, but even before he could ask it, Ragnor knew what he wanted, _needed_ , to know.

His eyes were stern as he looked at Magnus, his arms stiff by his sides.

“83 years”

Magnus relaxed instantly, his shoulders dropping as he let out a deep breath. A small smile graced his lips for a brief moment as his fingers fiddled with his earrings, a great weight leaving his shoulders.

“That’s a relief”

Ragnor only nodded then, and in that moment there wasn’t really much anything else to say, so the two of them stood in silence for a while longer, watching Alec.

And so the evening turned to night as the they stood in the apartment, only the dim lights from the streets below illuminating the loft, and all of them too, wrapping them up in the warm hues. Magnus didn’t really know for how long they stayed like that, until he could see Alec stirring on the couch where they had left him, finally waking up as well.

He sat up on the couch, stretching his arms, his shirt inching up his back as he leaned forward a bit to stretch his back as well. Magnus angled his head a little then to get a better look, his pupils widening as Alec stood up and Magnus could see some of his stomach peeking from under his shirt.

"You know I can hear your thoughts, you cringey pervert", Ragnor muttered as he turned to leave, giving Magnus an excessive eye roll on his way out. Magnus only chuckled at him though, his mind already elsewhere as Alec walked sleepily to him, his classes draining every bit of energy out of him.

“What did he say?”, Alec asked, his voice low and rough, still full of sleep as he rubbed his eyes.

“Nothing”, Magnus answered in haste, offering Alec a reassuring smile as he turned his attention fully towards Alec.

“Is everything okay?”, he asked then, his hands on Magnus’ waist as he pulled him a little closer, his dark eyes full of concern.

“Yes, everything is great”, Magnus lied, trying his best to tear his eyes away from Alec’s torso.

“Uh-huh”, Alec mumbled, looking at him, unimpressed, as if he was studying him, “do you remember when you promised to tell me if anything was bothering you?”, Alec reminded him then and crossed his arms across his chest, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

Magnus pursed his lips as he turned around with the drink in his hand, his eyes avoiding Alec’s.

“I know this whole memory thing is troubling you”, he continued, not moving from where he was standing in front of Magnus, blocking his path, “and I’m sorry, but you can’t just push me away”

Magnus glanced at him, but only briefly before his eyes shifted back to the floor. His hands were a bit shaky, and he felt more terrified in that moment than he did when he told Alec of his immortality. He took a deep breath, trying in vain to calm his beating heart as he considered just lying to Alec.

“I’m here for you”, Alec said, his voice more quiet than before but just as persistent.

Magnus’ mouth opened and closed a few times as he searched for words, his mind empty for the first time in days, and he nervously shifted his drink from one hand to another, taking a careful step closer to Alec.

“I saw you in my memory”, he began.

Alec’s brows furrowed, but he didn’t say anything, probably afraid that if he interrupted Magnus, he wouldn’t get him to speak again. But Magnus could see it in his eyes that he wasn’t nearly as calm as he acted.

“I was young then, still aging and we were together on the beach; I sat on the ground, I could even feel the sand between my toes and the cold water against my feet as I watched you run”

His breath hitched a little then as he recalled the memory that was now sad in his mind, though he supposed originally it might’ve been his most cherished one. He raised his hand to wipe away the tears that threatened to spill, and he could see Alec’s hands fidgeting as he itched to pull him close, but didn’t yet dare to.

“And you told me you loved me”, he continued, his voice but a whisper as his heart sank to his knees, “and I loved you too, I really did”

He was silent then, not able to say another word as the memory washed over him again, wave after wave after wave. He closed his eyes, a few tears falling down his cheeks, smearing his make up as he put the drink down, suddenly afraid that his unstable hands might drop it.

Alec didn’t say a word for a while, as if he was completely frozen, unable to do anything. And Magnus walked away from him, sitting down on one of his black leather chairs as he tried to pull himself back together. He supposed the full weight of the memory was only hitting him now, and he felt so drained as he let his head fall to his hands.

“I- I’ve been here all along?”, Alec asked finally, his steps unsure as he slowly made his way to Magnus, kneeling in front of him as Magnus raised his eyes to meet his, afraid of what he might see there, deep in the darkness of his soul.

And he wasn’t sure of what he saw, not until he could see a small smile, soft and reassuring, pulling at Alec’s lips. And Magnus almost gasped out loud as Alec wrapped his arms around him then, pulling him as close as he could.

And once again, Magnus was rendered completely speechless by Alec, and he hesitated for a fleeting moment before returning the embrace, his arms warm and solid, letting Magnus know he was real, and not just another dream.

He was real, and he was here now, with him. And nothing else mattered.

“And what of Ragnor?”, Alec asked then as he pulled away, his eyes still crinkled from smiling.

“Grim reapers can see a person’s past lives by touching them”, Magnus answered, his voice more confident than before, “and he wanted to see yours.”

Alec paused briefly then, his eyes darting from Magnus to the floor before settling on him once more.

“Well what did he see?”

“He saw that you’re an old soul like me”, Magnus said with a weak smile, leaving out the part about his future, “that you’ve had three lives before this one, and I was with you in all of them”

And Alec smiled then, pure and honest, a few chuckles escaping his mouth as he cupped Magnus’ face, wiping away the tears that still remained there.

“So I’ve been here, all this time, with you?”, Alec said, pulling Magnus a little closer to press a kiss on his forehead, “and I’ll be here again, too”

Magnus let out a deep breath, wondering how Alec managed to surprise him at every turn. Yet again Magnus had feared for the worst, but Alec somehow only managed to see the good things when it came to the two of them. And Magnus couldn’t be happier that it was Alec that had spent his many lives with him.

“Won’t I?”, Alec asked, bringing Magnus out of his thoughts and back to the real world. And the harsh words of Ragnor ringed in Magnus’ head then, reminding him of the bitter reality.

_Usually people have three lives, so any more than that would be peculiar._

But if what Ragnor had seen was correct, this was Alec’s fourth life. So was he already living on borrowed time, would this be the last lifetime they would see each other in? Was this it?

More than anything, Magnus wished then that he could remember. If he could remember all the times he had kissed Alec and held him close, all the times he had told him he loved him and all the times they had fallen asleep side by side, then maybe four lifetimes could be enough. But without his memories, it wasn’t.

And maybe even then it wouldn’t be. Maybe Magnus would never be ready to let Alec go, never be ready to say the final goodbyes. He figured then, that no matter what he told himself, he knew even forever wouldn’t be enough.

“You will”, was the lie he told Alec then, not yet ready to burden him with the thoughts of future. He would promise him forever, even if it would never be so.

Four lifetimes would have to be enough.

 -

Some nights after that one, the city was quiet, asleep somehow, and the haziness of the night was disappearing as morning dawned upon them, engulfing them both in shades of gold and red, devouring them whole. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus' neck, his breathing warm against his skin as they rocked slowly together, the echoes of the world around them the only music they needed. And for the first time in his life, Magnus felt so very alive, as if he was life itself.

All of his worries were gone then, and only that moment mattered. He was with Alec, swaying to music that had long since ended, but neither of them cared. The new morning was upon them, and Magnus felt as if he could’ve gone anywhere with Alec just so he might see the night swallow the world once more, with him.

"I have seen empires fall and rise", he whispered, wondering how Alec had managed to capture his heart so easily, effortlessly, but then as he gazed at his lips he knew just how, because the smile he had was so captivating, so simple yet so beautiful and Magnus knew he would follow that smile anywhere. The world around them was preparing for a new day, but Magnus only knew of that moment with Alec, the one he loved, and as Alec pulled him closer by his waist, he knew nothing else would matter ever again. For him, there was only Alec.

"I have seen masterpieces being painted and sculpted", he continued, his voice vulnerable under the raw sun as he leaned ever closer to Alec, only inches between them, "I have seen stars discovered and constellations named," 

Magnus felt as if he was just then waking up, as if his life had been but a dream, and now that Alec was there with him, he could finally come back to the world. He angled his head ever so slightly then, so he might whisper the next words against Alec's lips, were all of his words belonged. "And none have been as impressive as you", he said finally before pressing a haste kiss on Alec's lips, his fingers hovering above his skin, only barely there as the world moved around them, the silvery moon making room for the morning sun. 

He could feel Alec melting against him, their lips moving together in perfect sync as they removed their clothes. It was as if they were experiencing each other for the very first time, their hands in hurry to touch every inch of skin and their lips hungry, craving for more, more. A sigh escaped Magnus as Alec pushed him onto the bed, already chasing his touch as he crawled on top of him, removing the very last articles of clothing between them. And soon they were flush, Alec's long and graceful fingers holding both of them, the rhythm of his hand so deadly slow as Magnus craved for more, his back arching up as Alec kissed his collarbones. 

Their mouths opened under each other in articulate cries, their faces pressed together as they moved, their bodies fitting together so easily. As if they had been made that way. And perhaps they had been, for Magnus knew that wherever his soul had been before, Alec's had been there too. It was a lovely possibility, that they had been created together, for each other, made to fit perfectly in each others arms. He pulled Alec closer then, both of them trembling together midst the fire that their souls created as they were tangled together. Magnus felt as if he was discovering all the secrets to the universe.

Alec's breathing was heavy and he was shaking all over, his head resting against Magnus shoulder, kissing the span of his neck, marking his route gently, tasting the salt on his skin. Alec picked up the pace then as he grew impatient, ready to see the blissful look on his lover's face as he worked his magic. Magnus' nails were digging into his back, urging him on and pulling him closer and closer, so there wouldn't be any space between them. 

Their bodies cupped each other like hands as Alec quickened his pace, his eyes so dark in the night as he looked down on Magnus, whose makeup was smeared under his eyes like bruises. But to Alec, he looked perfect, his body a masterpiece that had been carefully sculpted, beautifully and wonderfully made. And he smiled as he looked at him, unable to tear his eyes away.

Magnus pulled Alec to him then, and together they trembled, and trembled in the darkening night, their hands roaming their bodies as they came together, and it felt like a miracle. Magnus knew two things for certain in that moment - one, it would never matter if he regained the remainder of his memories, for he knew now that Alec was his past, and his future and no matter the time or circumstances, they would find each other in a million lifetimes. And second,

"I love you, so very much", Magnus whispered as Alec fell on the bed beside him, his whole body glistening in the faint moonlight.

"I love you, too"

-

 


	7. Chapter 7

_ It was early in the morning as Magnus woke up, the coldness surrounding him a bitter reminder that the warmth of the day was still far away. But then, it never seemed to be so warm in England. He turned to see if Alexander was there, but the other half of the bed was empty and cold, not slept in, and he worried. It seemed to happen more frequently now. _

_ Magnus rose and shuffled through the small house, his feet warm against the stone cold floors, yawning as he followed the candles that Alexander had lit on his way and he pulled his sleeves down to cover his cold hands. And Magnus found him easily, relentlessly scrubbing his still bloodied hands in the dimly lit bathroom, his back hunched and his breathing heavy. _

_ And Magnus kneeled in front of him like he had countless times before, since Alexander’s nightmares often woke him up too. And he took the brush from his calloused, rough hands, not sure if the blood was his own from too much scrubbing or if it was older, a stranger’s blood.  _

_ Magnus had lived a long time, yet the little dreams he had were always calm and soothing, not at all like Alexander’s. Magnus had long since lost count of how many times he had woken up screaming, and sweating. Magnus supposed it was a blessing that he himself could not remember, at least sometimes. He did not want to be riddled with nightmares which he knew would surely follow if he did remember.  _

_ And as he gently scrubbed Alexander’s hands, tracing the scars and bruises with his fingers, kissing his knuckles, the floor harsh under his knees, he thought back to the day he had been younger and so much more innocent. He could still recall it, how he had loved the red and white uniform, and his smile. It always seemed to be the smile he fell in love with. And his looks too, the dark hair and green eyes to match the moors and fields all around them. He was beautiful, like the sun. _

_ The others knew him as a warrior, but that was not how Magnus knew him - the shy, yet ceaseless looks and the small touches he got from him told a different story. He wasn’t a ruthless soldier, but a gentle lover. But it was a truth only Magnus knew. _

_ And now, even years later, Magnus still washed the blood off his hands and traced his finger across his chest until he would fall back asleep, their hearts beating steadily as one. Loving a guilt ridden soldier was no easy task, but Magnus embraced it. He knew that after decades of warfare, Alec had seen far too much death, and so Magnus pressed closer to him, his head settled between his shoulder blades as he thought of the battle they both knew was coming. _

_ “If you have to go”, he started, pressing drowsy kisses on his shoulders, “know that I will go with you” _

It was four in the morning as Magnus jolted awake, his body glistening with sweat as he sat on the edge of his bed, taking deep breaths, his hand almost instinctively raising to touch the round scar on his chest. It seemed his memories had found their way into his dreams as well, never quite giving Magnus peace. And he sat there, staring at his hands as if he was surprised they weren’t covered in blood and mud, trying to hold on to the new memory. They weren’t always pleasant, Magnus supposed most of the time his memories were more nightmares than dreams, and he wondered if it had been better, after all, when he hadn’t remembered. Had it been easier, simpler? It had been more peaceful at least. And Magnus wished that the nights to come would be calm and his memories less violent. 

He rubbed his eyes, his breathing heavy in the quiet of the night as he listened to Alec’s snores, so even and calming, making Magnus feel secure and at peace for they let him know that Alec was there, right beside him where he belonged. And Magnus smiled as he stood up, suddenly craving some fresh air to escape the heat of July that had enveloped everything, the dampness and the pressure often unbearable, even with the windows slightly open.

And yet, the night was cold outside, even though Magnus could still feel the ever present pressure of summer air nevertheless as he leaned on the ledge, his robe half undone, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. For once he welcomed the brisk dawn, for it made him feel refreshed and new, and it soothed him too, making his troubles seem more trivial. So he simply stayed there, welcoming the new morning, a hopeful promise of something far better. And the city hummed gently in response and Magnus closed his eyes, breathing in and out to steady his hands that were still a bit shaky and to calm his mind, too.

But even as Magnus tried his best to keep his recent memory at bay, he couldn’t help his curious soul. And so the smell of blood and the rain dropping against the windows as he slept beside his lover seeped back into Magnus’ mind, and he gave into it. The memory had been troublesome, especially since Magnus knew how that lifetime ended. He had seen the green eyed boy before, in another dream some months before this one, and he could feel his scars aching as they recognized the memories they belonged to. He took a deep breath to try and chase away the awful feelings that always came with the memories, overwhelming and confusing him until he felt as if he might lose his mind.

And that seemed to be the biggest downside to his newfound memories - the feelings that followed. The memories were old, and the people he saw long gone, but the feelings were fresh. The love and the pain. And so Magnus thought of his green-eyed Alexander, the one with the bloodied uniform who died in his arms, and he wished that he could perhaps see him once more, the true him, and he felt guilty for wanting that. He felt guilty that he still loved him, that he could still recall the way he had kissed him. 

Was his Alexander the same one that had died that day, had he held him as his life left him? Had he loved him, or just a different version of him? Such questions consumed Magnus’ mind, devouring him, and he had no way to get answers to them. He could only wait for the rest of his memories to return, and hope that then he would know. If they would ever come, for it seemed that the little he got, only came back in splotches, not making any sense in his mind.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, chasing away the headache that often followed his memories, and sighed into the night. It was louder than before, the cars honking and people yelling and Magnus let the sounds of life engulf him as he closed his eyes again, looking for some peace amidst all of the chaos that now reigned in his life. He knew that his tendency to overthink even the smallest of things was a problem now more than ever, that the awful thoughts in his head couldn’t be true, but he couldn’t help himself. It was easier to fall apart than keep yourself together. 

The balcony floor was ice cold under his bare feet, his toes curling against the stones, and the wind played with his hair as he heard someone moving behind him, the presence familiar and calming, no matter the thoughts that were currently bouncing around Magnus’ mind.

“Magnus?”, he could hear Alec’s sleepy voice from the open doorway, but he didn’t turn to look.

“Go back to sleep”, Magnus said simply, and opened his eyes, letting the winds wash over him once more.

“Is everything okay?”, Alec asked, stubbornly refusing to go back inside. His concern made Magnus smile, and he glanced at him briefly over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the awakening city, always so patient with Magnus and his worries, the only obvious audience to his never ending life.

“I just needed some fresh air”, Magnus said, and it wasn’t a lie, but it felt like one.

Alec walked over to him then, not looking at him as he leaned on the ledge. “Another memory?”

Magnus nodded.

“I take it wasn’t a good one?”

Magnus shifted a little then, glancing at his bare feet before answering. “They never seem to be”

They were silent after that, and Magnus suddenly found himself missing those mornings where he got to wake up alone, and the nights where he got to go to sleep alone, without having to see Alec. It was very hard for Magnus to understand the feelings he had, and he wasn’t sure if he even knew which version of Alec he loved. Did he love him now, or just a memory of him? He didn’t understand any of it, and it was difficult to talk about it with Alec. The deep silence was better, than the lies Magnus told when he couldn’t bear to say how hard it was to really remember.

He only wished it would be enough for Alec, too. 

Alec shifted a little closer, his hand reaching out to Magnus but halting as he shuddered away from him, though it was unconsciously done. And Alec sighed, not saying a word as he only stared at the city ahead of them, his whole body shivering in the cold winds. And the silence grew between them, climbing the walls like a vine, blooming as neither dared to break it. 

“I’m sorry”, Magnus muttered, still not looking at Alec.

“I know it’s hard for you,” Alec started, turning his whole body to face Magnus, “and I want you to know it hasn’t been easy for me, either”

Magnus glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, his heart beating rather rapidly as he waited for him to finish. 

“And I know you, Magnus. You’re stubborn, always insisting that you can do everything on your own, that you don’t need help”, he continued, not looking at Magnus as he spoke, his fingers fidgeting, “I suppose that happens when you spend so much time alone, but…”, he said, his voice fading out as he sighed and looked at Magnus.

“But you won’t make it through this alone”, Alec finished, clearly fighting his instinct to touch Magnus, letting him call the shots instead. And Magnus’ heart softened at that, though the doubt still lived in his mind, incessantly making itself known. In the light of his newfound memories, Magnus had began to wonder why everything seemed to revolve around Alec. Why was he the center of his memories, why did he seem to be the only one who could awaken them in Magnus? What had connected them in such a way, or was everything somehow just a coincidence? 

Magnus said nothing of it to Alec, though he knew he should sooner or later. For nevermind the doubts in his mind, he did know that it was him Magnus loved, not some ghost of the past, for he had fallen for him all on his own, without remembering the times before that one. But Magnus had always had problems with letting people in, trusting them, and all of that was only heightened by his immortality, for when you were immortal, you got used to being alone, being left alone. Everyone you met, would eventually leave you, so you were used to not letting people in and only trusting a few to even know your real name. And though Magnus didn’t enjoy his solitude, through the years he had gotten dependent on it. He was afraid to let anyone near him, for when they left, they left an echo. And Magnus didn’t want to live midst shadows. 

But Alec was different. Whenever he left, he always seemed to find his way back to Magnus. With the same heart and the same soul, he always came back, defying even the known laws that held the world together. And Magnus knew then, that somehow, their souls were connected. There was no sense to it, but it was something Magnus could feel in his heart; wherever his soul had been before, Alec’s had been there too, and so no matter what would come their way, they would be here again.

And he turned to Alec, opening his arms for him and letting him in, the two of them flowing together like water.

“Thank you”, he whispered into the hug, endlessly grateful for Alec. If his immortality was the punishment Magnus felt it to be, Alec made it to be less so. He made everything bearable, the long nights shorter and the air easier to breathe. He made it all go away, fixing whatever was broken and Magnus loved him for that. 

“Wanna come back to bed? I’m freezing”, Alec muttered then, causing Magnus to chuckle a bit as they pulled apart. 

“Yeah”, Magnus said as he let Alec take him by the hand and lead him back indoors, the small smile on his lips more gentle than Magnus could remember it being in months. And Magnus ached to tell Alec just how much he did truly love him, adore him and care for him, but he knew there was no rush. They’d have tomorrow and the day after that and the future. They’d have time.

-

The morning came quietly, the sun waking him up before any alarms could, and Magnus felt worn-out, as if he hadn’t slept all night, when in truth he had slept quite long even with his nightmares. He looked for Alec instantly, despite knowing that he would already be making breakfast for the two of them, so he wasn’t surprised to find the place beside him cold and empty. Alec always so graciously let Magnus sleep longer, and even though Magnus quite enjoyed waking up together with him these days, nothing could really beat having freshly made breakfast in bed.

Magnus rose up, stretching a bit as he looked for his clothes that he always threw so haphazardly on the floor. The everpresent summer heat hadn’t yet found them, and Magnus enjoyed how cold the floors were under his feet, and he wrapped his black silk robe loosely around him as he made his way to the kitchen, following the smell of delicious food that Alec was making and the sounds of him humming along to whatever was playing on the radio.

“Morning”, he mumbled between Alec’s shoulder blades as he wrapped his arms around his middle and leaned into him, almost making Alec fall over.

“Did you manage to get any sleep?”, Alec asked, trying to sneak a peek at Magnus behind him. 

“A little, your snoring is getting worse”

Alec elbowed him and huffed. “I don’t snore!”

Magnus only hummed in response and let go of him, walking over to the window to look at the overcast sky and the bleak houses, everything seeming so gray suddenly, despite the sun that was desperately trying to peek through the clouds. 

“Is Isabelle still pestering you?”, Magnus asked nonchalantly, looking at Alec over his shoulder, though he still had his back turned to Magnus. He could hear Alec’s over dramatic sigh, and he chuckled, his hand rubbing his chin and the small stubble he had there. 

“You know how she gets when she wants something”, Alec said as he flipped over the omelet, “she has been at my back for almost a week now - it drives me insane”

“Then just give her the number”

Alec glanced at him then, turning off the stove before turning around to fully face him. “I do not want Maia dating my sister! It’s too complicated, and what if they break up?”

Magnus rolled his eyes playfully and made his way to him, wrapping his arms around his middle, his chin resting on his shoulder. “Relax, you’re overthinking this as usual”

“Am I though?”, he responded with a pointed tone, his eyebrows raised as he looked at Magnus, who was still chuckling at his overdramatic behavior.

“Yes, you are. But I’m hungry and need food so you can figure this out on your own”, Magnus said as he let go of him, changing the subject since he knew there was no use arguing against Alec when he was overthinking, for Magnus knew he was too stubborn to change his mind like that. 

The breakfast passed away in silence, or at least on Magnus’ part. Alec was excitedly going on about something, but somehow Magnus couldn’t focus on a single word he said. Usually he loved to hear Alec talk and could listen to him for hours on end, but somehow lately it had become hard for him to focus. He was always locked inside his own mind, replaying the same thoughts over and over. 

He pushed the food a little with his fork, leaning his head against his hand as he listened to Alec speaking, though his mind felt far too cluttered to focus on anything.

_ “You get your orders?” _

“What?”, Magnus asked, his voice shaky as he suddenly returned to the present moment.

Alec looked at him curiously, his brows furrowing as he gestured towards him with his fork. “Can you pass the salt?”

Magnus turned to look at the salt shaker he didn’t know he had in his hand, his knuckles almost entirely white. He loosened his grip, chuckling nervously as he handed the shaker to Alec.

_ “The 110th, I’m shipping to England tomorrow” _

_ “So soon?” _

“Magnus?”

“Huh?”

Alec looked over at him, a worry appearing between his eyes, “everything okay?”

Magnus sighed and pressed his fingers on the bridge of his nose. “Just the memories. They keep coming and I can’t make any sense of them”

Alec glanced down at his plate, putting down his fork to reach out and take Magnus’ hand in his. He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t need to. Magnus knew exactly what he was trying to convey with the simple gesture. 

_ I love you and whatever it is, I’m here for you. _

Magnus smiled then, squeezing Alec’s hand before letting go. “Thank you”, he whispered, his voice wavering a bit as Alec resumed to his breakfast, smiling faintly as well.

“Just promise that you’ll tell me if it ever gets bad”, Alec added then, swallowing his food and Magnus nodded in response. 

Their time together was cut short that morning, like it was most mornings these days, since Alec was getting busier and busier at school with his bar exams coming up. He spent all of his time at the university or at some library, listening to a playlist he didn’t even really like, but listened to it anyway because Magnus had made it for him. They rarely saw it each other even when Alec was at the house, since his face was always hidden behind some book, but Magnus had found that that wasn’t really an issue. Right now, with his memories flooding in, he quite enjoyed being alone and sorting everything out on his own. And he knew Alec needed to study so he could become a kickass lawyer, and Magnus wanted that for him. 

It had, however, become quite unbearable for Magnus to be at the loft these past few weeks, and he found himself escaping his memories and nightmares more often now by simply leaving. But since Dot hadn’t needed his help with the shop as much, only every now and then, there wasn’t much for Magnus to do, and Catarina was always busy at the hospital and had rarely time for him. So, much to Ragnor’s displeasure, Magnus had started to spend more time with him. 

“I need to work”, Ragnor said with obvious annoyment as Magnus entered the tea shop, not even looking up from the papers he was filling. 

“You won’t even notice I’m here”, Magnus said with a wave of his hand and started to make himself some tea, opening every single cabinet he could find despite knowing where Ragnor kept his tea.

Ragnor looked up then, his face scrunched up in displease as he observed Magnus, and he sighed and shook his head before focusing again on the documents spread out before him.

“You want some help with that?”, Magnus asked as he sat down in front of him, a tea cup in his hand and his eyebrows raised.

“You must really be bored to offer to help me”, Ragnor pointed out, “since I can clearly recall that when I had brunch with you and Alexander last week, you refused to pass me the salt that was two inches from your hand”

Magnus only glared at him, not saying a word but instead kept slurping his tea loudly in protest.

“Do you think Alec and I are soulmates?”, Magnus asked after a while, looking somewhere behind Ragnor’s shoulder as he spoke.

Ragnor sighed deep and put down the pen in his hand. “I’m really busy, Magnus”

“His eyes are so pretty”, he continued, paying no mind to Ragnor, “like stars”

“I know, I got your email”, Ragnor muttered, rubbing his temples as he considered just killing Magnus then and there, “and I don’t have time for this”

“His hair is soo soft, too”

“Just call Dot”

“And his lips-”

“Alright-”, Ragnor started, but was interrupted by the sound of the bell ringing as someone entered the tea shop. They both turned around, stunned, for no one was supposed to be coming there in a while, and so they were amazed to see Dot standing there, cackling at their faces.

“Wha-wha-”, Ragnor started, his mouth hanging wide open as he stared at her. 

“Aren’t I just amazing?”, she said with a wink, her other hand on her hip as she shifted her weight from one foot to another.

“Are you dead?”, Magnus asked in mild horror, not sure if he should sit down or rush to make sure she was okay. What kind of human could just barge into a grim reaper’s office? 

“Nah, I just need to use the restroom real quick”, she said nonchalantly, looking around for a sign.

Ragnor only gaped at her, but Magnus was already laughing as he pointed towards the bathroom. “It’s down there to the left”, he said, both of them turning to watch as she went. 

“What just happened?”, Ragnor asked, still somewhat in shock, and turned to look at Magnus.

“Maybe we should stop trying to figure out my past and look into Dot’s instead”, Magnus suggested helpfully, and Ragnor only nodded along to his words, unsure what to say or do.

“Maybe she’s a God”, Magnus muttered, causing Ragnor to look at him in mild horror.

“That would mean she would be the one who cursed you”, he reminded.

“Well, I’d be ready to forgive her”

Ragnor laughed. “I thought it was a 1000 year old rage?”

“She must’ve had her reasons”

“I hate you”, Ragnor mumbled as Magnus resumed to loudly drinking his tea, smirking at Ragnor’s annoyment.

“I thought we were just beginning to build a friendship?”

Ragnor only rolled his eyes then, and picked up his pen to continue his work.

“Man, it is so dark in here!”, Dot exclaimed as she returned, her brows furrowed while she looked around the teashop questioningly before turning to look at Magnus and Ragnor, “what are you two doing?”

Ragnor sighed then, leaning forward and resting his chin on his crossed hands, “get out, both of you”

“Are you still brooding?”, she asked Magnus, ignoring Ragnor’s remark. Magnus only shot her a glare but didn’t respond.

Ragnor stood up then, his expression grim as he looked at Dot, towering over her, suddenly looking very threatening. “Dorothea, you need to come with me, it’s not a very nice place, though”

Dot yelped a bit then, and shuddered away. 

“Magnus, help”, she whimpered, but Magnus only shook his head as he stood up. 

“Ragnor you can’t just threaten to kill people every time they annoy you, we’ve talked about this”, he said, placing his hand on his shoulder to restrain him, “or do I need to remind you of what happened in Croatia?”

“No”, Ragnor sighed and turned away to sit down by the table again.

“Why, what happened in Croatia?”, Dot asked, looking between Magnus and Ragnor, eager to hear the story.

“It’s a long story”, Magnus said, dismissing Dot with a wave of his hand, “and we should probably get going”

“Please don’t come back unless you’re dead”, Ragnor said, opening the door with a snap of his fingers.

Magnus rolled his eyes on the way out, though he missed the coldness that somehow always managed to stay in Ragnor’s office instantly as he stepped through the door, the heat of July crashing against him like a tidal wave. Magnus closed his eyes briefly before looking around, wondering where he should go next. Dot was quiet beside him, probably waiting for him to take the lead.

“Do you have to go to the store?”, he asked as he turned to look at her, already half expecting her to say just how busy she was or how she owed Cat a date night or something else of the sort.

“Not in another hour or so, wanna grab a coffee or something?”, she said instead and checked her watch, “is Alec working?”

“No, he’s at the library until noon and I am certain that Maia is wherever Izzy is”, Magnus said with a chuckle.

“We’ll just walk, then, God knows I need the exercise”, Dot joked and shot Magnus a playful look as she started to walk towards the main street, Magnus following suit. 

It was warm, despite the clouds that were covering the skies, not letting the sun shine through. Magnus still found himself fumbling for his sunglasses only to remember that he had left them at Alec’s apartment some days ago. He really was too forgetful for his own good. 

“Are your memories troubling you?”, Dot asked suddenly, elbowing Magnus gently to get his attention.

Magnus glanced at her quickly and shoved his hands into his pockets to stop them from fidgeting. Even merely thinking of his memories seemed to unnerve him, drive him to the edge. 

“I’m used to it by now”, Magnus lied, not wanting to talk about all the feelings attached to his memories, or how they often took him by surprise even after so many months. How he only barely recognized the signs before each flashback and never seemed to be prepared for them. For everything that followed. 

“Alec said you were having nightmares”, she said, not believing his excuses for a second, “Cat and I worry, y’know”

“You talk to Alec?”

Dot looked at him then, her brows furrowed as if she was judging him for asking such stupid questions. 

“Yes, Captain Obvious, I talk to Alec. And Cat, too, we have a group chat and everything”, she said and Magnus couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. “We call it the ‘Protect Magnus Bane Squad’”

She laughed a bit then, and Magnus couldn’t help but smile, also. It was always so nice to be with Dot, she was such an easygoing person and always managed to make Magnus smile. He was lucky to have her.

“What are you protecting me from? I’m immortal; I can’t die”

“Yourself”

“Alright, can we change the subject?” he said, his voice harsher than he had meant it but Dot didn’t seem to notice, or if she did she said nothing of it.

The sun peeks a little from behind the clouds then, and Magnus knows that tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day. He thinks maybe he should do something nice, perhaps even try and coax Alec into doing something with him. Magnus knows he is busy, of course, but he also knows they could both need something different for a change. A little vacation, or something like that. It would do them both good.

-

Magnus had always loved books. It never really mattered what kind, but he did often find himself drawn to the more romantic stories. He would read when it was too quiet and he needed an escape, or when it was too loud. He would read when he was tired, or when he was not tired. He would read when nothing seemed to be going well or when he didn’t know what he wanted. The books always kept him company, through the many centuries he had lived, they were always there. When he sat down with good book, everything else became irrelevant, and he could let the story envelope him utterly, and pull him along. Magnus had never been so good with words, but he did love them. He would read, and things would be okay. It had almost become a routine, a habit of the best kind, finding a book and reading it in one sitting. Nowadays, though, it was harder for Magnus to focus on the words, but he tried still. He was set in his ways.

He had always liked poetry, as well. The eloquent words and the feelings put on paper always made him feel better, and less alone, somehow. And with Alec, he found himself enjoying them even more. Magnus himself only had one or two poetry books, but Alec had shelves full of them and he had picked up a habit of bringing Magnus his favorite ones. Magnus loved that little routine of theirs, and he loved reading whatever Alec brought him, and he loved guessing what was his favorite poem in each book. He was often right, too. 

And then, too, Magnus was reading a book Alec had given him some time ago, that had laid abandoned on Magnus’ nightstand until a few nights ago when he had suddenly felt compelled to pick it up. It wasn’t one of his favorites, but he read it because he knew Alec liked it. And once again, he wanted to know what was his favorite one. 

It was quiet in the loft, though the sounds of Alec studying and taking notes did bring some life there, and Magnus didn’t mind. He hated it when it was too quiet, and it often was when he was alone, but with Alec, it was as if he had breathed some much needed life into the apartment, making Magnus feel more at home as well. More at ease. And so the headache was able to creep up on him, his whole body otherwise relaxed with his head resting against the back of the chair and his feet propped up on the table. He didn’t notice it for a while, but when he did, he knew exactly what it meant.

By now Magnus was familiar with all the signs, and he knew to put down the book he had in his hands, the one Alec had given to him. He could feel the familiar tingling and the small headaches and he closed his eyes, letting the new memory engulf him completely and swallow him whole.

_ The station was full of people, all elbows and shoes stepping on his feet, the threat of someone knocking him over and all too real danger as he tried to navigate the crowd. He tried to see past all the people, ignoring the nasty looks he was getting as he tried to spot the familiar ink black hair, something that wasn’t too hard considering how he often towered above everyone. _

_ Magnus prided himself in his calmness, and even then as he made his way to Alexander and Isabelle, his hands were steady and his breathing even, not even his gentle heart raced at the sight of him in his uniform, handsome, though brown wasn’t really his color.  _

_ They were all silent, only passing fond looks between each other as no one knew what they should say. And what was there really to say anymore? All the words of endearment had already been spoken countless times before, properly and thoroughly, and Magnus didn’t want to tarnish the beautiful memories by repeating the words now, in hushed tones and without even daring to look at each other. When he would say them, he wanted to be able to mean them, too, and not leave them hanging in the air between them without any real meaning. _

_ And Magnus looked around the platform, at the people who were hugging and kissing all around them, with teary eyes and smeared makeup and his heart tugged then, little with jealousy and then more with anger. For all he was allowed to do was link his fingers loosely with Alec’s as Isabelle turned away to give them peace, the touch passing along all of the unspoken words.  _

_ “Were you happy, with me?”, Magnus uttered then, with love and ache and anger all raging in his chest, pushing and pulling him along.  _

_ Alexander turned to look at him, his grey eyes stormy like the rain clouds that covered the sky, and Magnus could feel his hand shaking against his as he gathered the courage to speak without tears. _

_ “I still am, and grateful too”, Alexander said silently then, hoping that Magnus would hear him over the sounds of people and the trains around them. _

_ The chatter was getting louder as Magnus inched a little closer to him, giving his hand a slight squeeze to reassure him, to let him know he would still be there for him. That he would wait, right here.  _

_ “I’ll write”, Alexander said as someone yelled for everyone to get onboard, Magnus only barely hearing him over the loud roar of the engines. _

_ “Please do” _

_ And as everyone around them kissed for goodbye, Magnus let go of Alexander’s hand, praying to any God that might’ve been listening to bring him back, to not let this be the last time they would see each other. That their happiness, and love, ever overshadowed by the prejudices of others, would not see its end just yet. That Magnus would get to tell him everything he wanted to, once more. Just that once. _

_ His breath hitched as Alexander stepped on board the train, not turning back, for they both knew that if he turned, he would never leave. If he saw Magnus shedding silent tears for him, if Magnus saw him faltering, they would run to each other and never let go. Magnus knew that to be the truth of their love, that no matter what, they would return to each other, over and over, faithful like the waves of the sea hitting the shore. _

_ And Magnus waited. He didn’t really know what for, but he remained there, silent and unmoving, even when others had long since left, but Magnus couldn’t make himself move and inch, not even when he felt Isabelle press her hand on his shoulder and whisper something in his ear, and not even when those words had been ringing in his head for hours.  _

_ "Thank you, for loving my brother”  _

It was a new one, this grey-eyed Alexander was someone Magnus hadn’t seen before, but he could already guess this lifetime wouldn’t end happily, either. He could still smell the rain and hear the chatter of people, even in the quiet of the apartment. He turned to glance outside, the sun shining brightly in his eyes, not a hint of rain anywhere. It was strange, how the memory always got mixed with the reality. And Magnus sighed, his fingers tinkering with his earring as he stared blankly at the book open on his lap, the words making no sense to him then. 

His brows furrowed as he thought of the memory, trying to remember the details so he might know which era it had been or if he had perhaps seen glimpses of that lifetime before. But like in a dream, the details became hazy and soon there was no beginning or ending to it as it morphed together with the rest of his memories, leaving Magnus puzzled. So he simply shook his head and tried to focus on the words in the book once more, taking deep breaths as he tried to calm his racing mind. 

Magnus angled his head a little so he might see Alec from where he was sitting in the livingroom, and he smiled a bit, his mind instantly calm and peaceful when he looked at him. He figured Alec had that effect on him, and Magnus was glad. He needed some peace in his life so desperately, and it was good that he had his rock. So whenever things got hard, when his life wasn’t worth living or when the memories made him question everything he knew to be true, he only needed to look at Alec to feel like everything was going to be alright. 

“Alexander?”, Magnus asked, closing the book he had on his lap, his finger still inside to mark the spot, and he sat up straighter, his legs no longer propped up on the coffee table.

“Huh?”, Alec muttered, his attention never once leaving the books in front of him, though Magnus couldn’t really blame him since his bar exams were coming up and he needed to study almost every day for them. 

Magnus wavered a bit, his fingers playing with his earring again as he chose his words. “I was wondering, if you’d like to go somewhere for a day”

Alec glanced at him briefly then, an ink stain on his lip from chewing on his pen and his hands colorful from all the highlighters that he’d used. Magnus loved how utterly mundane he looked then, and he smiled as Alec ran his fingers through his hair, making it even messier than it already was. 

“You know I have my exams coming up, right?”, Alec responded, gesturing vaguely at all the stationery and books that were currently covering Magnus’ mahogany dinner table. He was a little disappointed that Alec shot him down so quickly, but he couldn’t say he was surprised, for Alec rarely did anything but study these days. 

“I am aware, but I just thought that we could both use a little time off from everything”, Magnus said and stood up, walking towards the kitchen to where Alec was, his book now lying abandoned on the coffee table. He stopped behind Alec, gently massaging his shoulders that he knew were always troubling him, and he could feel Alec instantly relaxing under his touch.

“Mmhm”, Alec mumbled, his eyes blissfully closed as he leaned into Magnus’ soothing touch.

“With your exams and my memories, I feel like we could have a little vacation, somewhere outside of the city”, Magnus continued, “just the two of us”

“That does sound tempting”, he mumbled, his head resting against Magnus’ chest and he opened his eyes to look up at him, only quickly glancing at the books in front of him on the table before letting his eyes flicker back to Magnus, “and I definitely need a break”

Magnus raised his eyebrows as he looked down at him, his eyes smiling as Alec reached out to take his hand in his and raising it to his lips, whispering a soft  _ thank you  _ against his knuckles, both of them already forgetting whatever had been troubling them, leaving only love and peace behind. And they were all smiles, losing themselves in the moment as they looked at each other, and were it not for Alec’s phone suddenly ringing, they might’ve been completely lost. Even after almost a year, and they never tired of each other. 

Alec let go of him then, his attention shifting to his phone that had been sitting on the table beside his books. The screen was lit, showing a message from Dot that Alec tried to read from afar, peering at the screen as if he couldn’t see properly.

“She says you left your phone in her shop”, he said and Magnus immediately looked around for his phone, only then realizing that he hadn’t in fact seen it for a while.

“I suppose we can get it on the way”, Magnus said, already on his way out as Alec looked after him, baffled.

“On the way where?”, he asked confusedly.

Magnus stopped and turned to look at him. “Where do you want to go?”

-

“Care for a tarot card reading?”, Dot said with a wink and a mischievous smile, as the two of them walked in, prompting Magnus to look back briefly before going into the back room to retrieve his phone. Alec glanced quickly back at the floor, his smile shy as he nodded and stepped forward a bit and leaned on the desk as Dot placed the cards before him, her long painted nails shimmering in the dimly lit room. 

“Please tell me I’ll pass my exams”, Alec muttered jokingly and Dot chuckled as she turned the cards over, slowly, one by one. 

“I see some great changes ahead, something big will happen soon”, Dot said calmly, not looking at Alec as she spoke, but she could see that he had already drifted somewhere else, only half listening. He was gazing out of the window at the front of the shop, leaning on his hand and swaying a little as he waited for Magnus. 

Dot looked at him then, and thought of how he truly was something special. She remembered that none of them had really thought much of him when Magnus first brought him into their lives, that he would just be one more in the line of others Magnus had loved. But somehow, he had awoken something inside Magnus, something old, something that not even Magnus knew was there. And now the lost memories that he had given back to Magnus, something not even Ragnor had thought possible. Could it be simply luck that the world had brought these two together so many times, or was it something else entirely?

And she looked down at the cards then, of how even she couldn’t understand what they truly meant, for Alec’s future didn’t seem even the tiniest bit normal. But then again, it hardly ever was when you dated an immortal being and occasionally had brunch with grim reapers. 

“And I see a tall and dark man in your near future”, she said with a playful tone, pulling Alec out of his thoughts, “and there he is now!”, she continued, gesturing extravagantly towards Magnus who had just then entered the room. And Alec turned, snapping out of his thoughts and smiled softly at Magnus, perhaps even blushing a little but Dot couldn’t be sure, and her heart was filled with warmth as she looked at the two of them, smiling at each other like the lovestruck idiots they were. And she was glad that they had found each other, for she could tell they needed each other more than they knew.

“You ready?”, Magnus asked as he walked across the room, reaching out to take Alec’s hand in his.

“Yeah”, Alec said, breathless just from looking at Magnus.

They drove through the busy city, following the signs that lead to the beach, Alec’s feet propped up on the dash as Magnus tried to navigate the streets filled with honking cars. Alec didn’t say much, and Magnus didn’t either, both of them a little off in their own worlds, but every now and then Magnus could hear Alec reciting something from his school books under his breath, unknowingly. The streets turned and twisted, then narrowed a bit as they came closer to their destination, the roads turning from smooth asphalt to bumpy little side roads that Magnus was sure wouldn’t actually lead anywhere. At some point, he could feel Alec’s hand resting on his thigh, but as he glanced at him, he was only idly looking out of the window, watching the landscape roll by. 

It was warm as they reached the beach, Alec almost instantly running into the cold water to cool himself down, while Magnus stayed behind and enjoyed the sun shining down on him. The blue water crashed, and Magnus smiled despite the chilly water threatening to sneak under his feet. Alec was walking in the water, running every so often, and he looked over at Magnus and his lips curved into that lopsided smile that Magnus so loved. The sun had made his cheeks rosy and the wind ruffled his hair but Alec didn’t seem to mind. 

It truly was a perfect summer. 

And just then, as Magnus sat on the worn-out blanket they had found in Alec’s closet, his feet almost touching the water, the moment felt infinite, like it may never end. And Magnus wasn’t sure if he even wanted it to. He closed his eyes, breathing in the air filled with the scent of salt water, his hands still turning pages from the book Alec had given him some weeks ago, looking for the perfect poem to fit the perfect day. 

His fingers stopped every now and then, reading the pieces that fit together with his soul. Magnus had always loved poetry, there was something so endlessly calming in discovering the thoughts of others. It flooded Magnus with warmth, when he found out that he was not alone with his thoughts, after all. That someone had thought of the same things too. That someone could feel as he did.

_ “I want so much that is not here and I do not know where to go” _

He traced his fingers across the words, racing them along the curves and then slowing down at times, savoring them. It was just as he often felt, with feeling and not quite remembering. How he ached for people that were no longer here, longed for places that he could not remember and for words he wasn’t sure if anyone had ever said to him. His was an odd existence, but Magnus had come to terms with it. 

_ “There is no hurry. Time means nothing to you” _

He took a deep breath, and looked up to see where Alec was. And the moment was so much like the one in his memory, with him sitting on the edge of the water and Alexander walking alongside the waves. This time the beach was more crowded, someone bumping into Magnus every now and then, but he only saw Alec. It was his, the only voice he heard amidst the hundreds of others and his face too, overshadowed only by the sun itself, as Magnus looked at him. 

He had thought that the places from his past were all cursed now, riddled with memories of others and other times, but it seemed that he had been wrong. Alec had such an effect on him - he could give him his past, but he was also his future. And so Alec could simultaneously make him remember and forget. In that moment he only cared for his brown-eyed Alexander who didn’t mind the cold waters and didn’t shudder away when the waves hit his ankles. There was no one else for Magnus, no one else at all.  

“What are you reading?”, Alec asked then, sitting down beside him, his feet ice cold against Magnus’ much warmer ones. 

Magnus showed him the cover of his book, much too occupied to do much else. Poetry had such an effect on him.

“Roominghouse Madrigals”, Alec read outloud, using his hand as a shade, “wait- is that my book?”

Magnus nodded. “You borrowed it to me, remember?”

“Or you took it from me!”, Alec exclaimed, his tone still playful as he snatched the book from Magnus’ hands, turning it over in his own. 

“I did no such thing”

Alec shot him a glare, but quickly resumed his attention to the book. “How come I don’t believe you? You’re always taking my things”

“Says the man who is wearing my shirt”, Magnus said, feigning annoyance and failing miserably as Alec started to inspect his shirt, looking too adorable for his own good with his face all scrunched up and red from the sun.

“No, I bought this”, Alec said, squinting his eyes at Magnus.

“Yes, for me, 2 months ago”, Magnus corrected, his smile wide as Alec’s face scrunched up as he thought it over. “Or are you often buying shirts that are too big?” As he spoke, Magnus reached out to trace his fingers over Alec’s biceps, demonstrating just how loose the shirt was. 

“Well, you’ve had 900 years to exercise, it’s hardly my fault that your arms are gigantic”, Alec muttered then, handing the book back to Magnus as he stood up.

“Aha! So you admit that you stole my shirt!”

“Fine, but I’m still sure I never gave you that book”, Alec said with an excessive eye roll, crossing his arms across his chest, “not that it matters, because it’s not very good”

And with that Alec was gone again, sprinting towards the waves as Magnus sat there looking at him and chuckling at his forgetful boyfriend, his black hair flowing in the wind like the petals of a flower. He turned the book over in his hands, looking at the worn cover and the folded pages, a knowing smile on his lips. He turned the pages until he found the one he was left on, and ran his fingers over the poem that caught his eye. 

_ “I no longer know where you are, and I walk on and wonder where the living goes, when it stops” _

It was a simple enough thought, but to Magnus it held much more meaning. He glanced over at Alec, and wanted to remember the sound of his laughter, and sighed in relief when his beautiful voice rang in his head. His life seemed to be nothing more than forgetting and then remembering only to forget again, but with all his might, he wanted to hold on to Alexander. He didn’t want a future where he would no longer remember him, or the feelings that now arose in his chest by the mere mention of his name. 

Magnus turned the pages again, his fingers running here and there before coming to a stop.

_ “So it’s always a process of letting go, one way or another” _

Magnus squinted a little at the poem, and he remembered something Ragnor had told him when he had expressed his fears over Alec’s mortality.  _ No one gets used to losing people.  _ And Magnus knew that Ragnor’s words held some truth, because he had lost so many, but still mourned every single new one. Yes, he would mourn, and then he would eventually let them go. Everyone left, one way or another and Magnus let them. It was a circle Magnus knew he couldn’t break, but he was stubborn by nature and decided just then that he would not let Alec go, not again. He would make himself remember and he would find him again, just as he had promised. 

And so Magnus grabbed the pencil Alec had used to fill in the crossword puzzle earlier, and he folded the page so that Alec might find it, and then he wrote. Nothing special, but he knew it would hold all the meaning to Alec when he would see it. The message was short, Magnus’ hand gliding smoothly over the page as he wrote, his handwriting as delicate and ornate as one might expect from an over 900-year-old. 

_ But I won’t let you go. I’ll find you, and you’ll return to me, as devotedly as the sea returns to the shore.  _

Then he closed the book, but he wasn’t quite yet done. That message was for Alec only, a promise, but what of Magnus himself? How could he make sure that he would not forget a single detail of Alec, so that he could remember everything in all the years to come? All the feelings and the gentle fluttering in his heart and the shy smiles and ceaseless touches, how could he remember everything? For the first time in his life, he would make himself to. And so the words flowed easily, pouring out of him in waves, filling the empty page he had torn out of the book quickly. When he was done, he folded the note and put it in his pocket, looking up just in time to see Alec walking to him, dripping water all over. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of him, and for the fourth time in his life, he was in love. He smiled at the thought, chuckling gently as Alec sat down next to him with a curious expression as he wondered what had made Magnus smile so. But Magnus only shook his head and fixed his sunglasses that were now falling down his nose.

“I promised Maia I’d go with her to Hunter’s Moon later today”, Alec said, leaning back and letting the sun beam down on his face, his eyes closed, but turned towards the light.

Magnus turned to look at him. “I thought you were going to study? Or are you saying that I needed to coax you into spending time with me but you’re going to a bar with Maia just like that?”, Magnus said, feigning hurt and raising his hand to his heart, his mouth open in mock hurt.

Alec rolled his eyes and elbowed Magnus playfully. “You’re being dramatic”

“Me? Never.”

“You are free to join us, of course”, Alec added, reaching out to take Magnus’ hand in his, and playing with his fingers as he spoke, “in fact, Maia said she hasn’t seen you in so long that she’s convinced you’re just ‘a very hot figment of my imagination’”

Magnus laughed then, and Alec looked at him through his lashes, smiling that lopsided smile of his. “I’d love to see Maia, but I said I’d help Ragnor with his paperwork”

Alec scoffed at him a bit and let go of his hand. “ _ Help?  _ You can’t even pass him the salt when we’re having brunch!”

He moved closer to Magnus’ face then, squinting as if he was trying to find a small spec of dirt on his forehead. “You lost another bet, didn’t you?”,  Alec added once he remembered how Magnus loved to guess people’s life spans whenever he was having his weekly-bagel-brunch with Ragnor. 

“It’s impossible to beat him, I mean, he  _ can _ see the future”

Alec laughed then, purely and honestly, his hand on his stomach as the other one flailed around. Magnus was sure it hadn’t been that funny, but he couldn’t help but chuckle as well as he looked at him laughing, the sight so wonderful and Magnus felt so very happy that he could make him laugh and smile so beautifully. 

And some time later they gathered their things, the day turning to evening as they walked away from the beach. And Magnus was walking behind him, the bag hitting his legs every so often, but he didn’t care. He looked at Alec, and Alec looked at the sky and the sun and the falling flower petals that flew with the lazy wind, decorating the cobblestones under their feet, painting them with hues of purple and pink and white. The summer heat was almost unbearable then, as the cool ocean breeze was gone, but Magnus only watched as Alec leaped forward, trying to catch a falling petal and succeeding only on his fifth try.

He turned to Magnus then and grinned, showing the white petal that he had in his hand. 

“Did you know that if you catch a falling flower petal, you’ll fall in love with the person you’re walking with?”, Alec asked coyly.

Magnus looked up at the trees that were full of flowers, overshadowing even the sun with their beauty and then he looked back at Alec.

“And what if you’re already in love?”

“Oh I’m sorry, I was talking to this lovely gentleman”, Alec joked and pointed at the old chinese man that had been walking beside them. 

“You wound me”, Magnus said in mock offense, stopping to dramatically grip his heart as if an arrow had pierced it.

“You were walking five feet behind me like a sloth, so excuse me but I’m going to join my new lover”, Alec said and bowed before backing away from Magnus, his grin giving him away.

“Hey, don’t forget who’s taking you home”, Magnus said, pointing his finger at Alec and raising his eyebrows accusingly. 

“Oh that’s right”, Alec muttered jokingly as he pretended to turn around and follow the other man, but he didn’t get far before Magnus grabbed his hand and pulled him closer.

“Alright, enough”, he muttered with a smile as Alec leaned forward to kiss him, but managed only barely with his wide grin. 

“Besides,” Magnus started as they pulled apart, his hands still cupping Alec’s face as he gazed at his lips, “you’d better hold on to me, you know, because I don’t age”

Alec chuckled then and started walking again, smiling as he looked back at Magnus. Alec cupped his hands around his mouth then to use as a megaphone so Magnus might hear him, “because you’re always going to be young and beautiful?”, he hollered, laughing as he continued to walk.

And Magnus started to walk again, too, slowly making his way towards Alec who had already put some distance between them, and he laughed. “Precisely!”, he yelled after him, but Alec couldn’t hear him. 

Magnus took his time as he walked to Alec, who had stopped to try and catch more flowers, and Magnus smiled as he looked at him. He felt so utterly content then, like everything was perfect in his life and he was glad that they had taken this day off. Only then Magnus fully realized how much he had missed Alec these past few weeks, how much distance there truly had been between them. But he felt reassured as well, for he knew that no matter what, Alec wasn’t going anywhere. He had been there for Magnus every step of the way, and Magnus hoped that he could one day be there for Alec as well. One day, in the future.

Alec turned to look at him as Magnus reached his side and they started walking home together. Magnus looked down at their feet, how they had already matched their walking pace, and he smiled and grabbed his hand, enjoying how seamlessly they fit together.

“You know”, Magnus began, his eyes looking at the shimmering ocean and the sandy colored landscape, though his mind was elsewhere, “I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this happy”

Alec turned to look at him in surprise, but Magnus’ eyes were still admiring the ocean, as if he was just thinking out loud and not really knowing what he was saying. Alec stayed quiet, letting Magnus contemplate in peace, though he was eager to hear what he had to say. But Magnus stayed silent, looking at the ocean as they walked, the bag hitting his legs with every step he took. 

Then he sighed and turned to look at Alec with a small smile on his lips, his eyes so very fond and his cheeks a little rosy from all the sun. “All the other lifetimes were always riddled with something else. Be it war, disease or war again, but it was always something”

Alec’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, for it was something Magnus’ hadn’t revealed from his memories yet. Alec knew they weren’t always good, but Magnus almost straight up refused to talk about them with him, and though Alec could understand it, it was still hard to see him like that and not be able to help him. Alec knew it couldn’t be easy to see the same person die and suffer over and over again, or at least that’s what he’d always assumed was happening in his memories, but he wished with all his heart that Magnus would tell him how he could help. 

“But not this one. We can walk here, together, peacefully and publicly and live our mundane lives. You’re going to become a lawyer and we can move in together some day and who knows what else. It’s all possible, and it makes me so endlessly happy”

Alec smiled and reached out to take Magnus’ hand in his, intertwining their fingers and wanting to let Magnus know, just with that touch, how happy it made him that he was thinking of the future. Alec knew Magnus had always hated talking about it, for obvious reasons, so he felt glad that the thoughts of future no longer scared him. That he embraced them instead.

“I’ve never wanted to live on as much as I do now, with you. You make me want to live on”

And Magnus let Alec pull him closer, kissing him chastely and whispering a quiet  _ I love you  _ against his lips, where his words would forever be safe. And like sunshine, Alec fell down on Magnus, deeper and deeper in love with him with every breath he took. And he wished that he would never have to leave him, that Magnus would never again have to be alone, waiting for something and not knowing what it was. He wished with all his might, that they could stay like that forever, frozen in time, and that they would never forget about each other like they had before. 

-

Later, as Alec was on his way out to meet Maia, he saw a book lying abandoned on the table by the door. It was the book Magnus had read on the beach and Alec picked it up to see what Magnus had been reading, his curiosity piqued. Alec had always loved poetry and Bukowski’s especially, and he owned many copies of his books too, but this book was special, for it had his favorite poem.

_ “The dead do not need aspirin or sorrow, I suppose. But they might need rain. Not shoes, but a place to walk. Not cigarettes, they tell us, but a place to burn. [...] The dead do not need me, nor do the living, but the dead might need each other. In fact, the dead may need everything we need and we need so much if we only knew what it was. It is probably everything, and we will die trying to get it. [...] I hope you understand, when I am dead, I got as much as possible” _

He smiled as he read it, the words already so familiar in his mind, and he kept turning the pages, quickly glancing over at Magnus, who was sitting in the living room, waiting for Ragnor. Alec could recall giving the book to him like he had done with many of his favorites, but he was stubborn and refused to admit it. He supposed they were both like that, so competitive and headstrong, so alike even with their more obvious differences. And Alec loved that about them. 

Then his fingers came to a halt, stopping on a poem that had never really caught his eye, but apparently it had caught Magnus’, for he had scribbled something beside it and had even folded the page and left it for Alec to find. He had always loved Magnus’ handwriting, how eloquent and fancy it was with all of its hooks and curves, and he ran his fingers over his words, careful not to smudge them. Then he touched each word individually, savoring them and wondering when Magnus had written them, perhaps even just that day, on the beach. He read them over and over and decided then, that it was his new favorite poem.  _ Their  _ poem. He smiled, and blushed faintly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the flower petal he had caught earlier, and placed it carefully inside the book, preserving it there, but he didn’t say anything of it to Magnus as he put the book down and turned to leave. He could tell him later, with more time.

-

“Do you want tea? Something to eat?”, Magnus asked, peeking his head out of the kitchen as he heard Ragnor step through his door.

“Just the tea, I have an appointment in three hours or so”, Ragnor replied, dismissing Magnus with a wave of his hand, looking around his apartment like it was the first time he was there. The dusk was getting darker, contrasting the shades and hues in Magnus’ apartment and making even the brighter lights seem more dim than they were. 

Magnus appeared into the living room then, carrying two steaming cups of tea, his eyebrows raised. “An appointment? Why do you make your job sound like you’re a dentist, not a grim reaper?”

Ragnor only rolled his eyes, pulling a stack of papers out of his jacket and made his way deeper into the apartment. They sat down on one of the dark leather couches, Ragnor lighting some candles with a wave of his hand before pulling two pens out of thin air. 

“Let’s get to work then, shall we? I am way behind and my boss keeps nagging me”

“I am never betting against you ever again”, Magnus muttered begrudgingly as he accepted the relatively small pile of papers Ragnor handed to him, “who your next client is?”, he asked offhandedly despite knowing that Ragnor couldn’t really tell him.

“Don’t know, it’s someone from the untimely death system so I won’t be able to see the name until the death is in motion”, Ragnor answered with a shrug, neither of them looking at each other as they filled the papers. After that, the following minutes passed by in silence, only the rustling of papers echoing in the apartment as they drank their tea and listened to the sounds of New York city that seeped in through the windows, engulfing them both and making everything seem more lively. 

It rains outside as Ragnor gets up to make himself more tea, the water tapping loudly against the windows and Magnus feels that it is almost too loud. He had gotten used to the silence rather quickly, and he turns to face the large windows that open up to his balcony, as if begging for the rain to stop. He doesn’t even have an umbrella. He does know, however, that rain is good thing, especially now with summer and its outbursts, so the drizzling is quite like a short shower after an exceptionally hot day. Magnus smiles to himself as he signs Ragnor’s name at the bottom of the paper like he has countless times before. 

“Magnus”, he can hear Ragnor calling him, but his mind doesn’t process the words, and he starts to hum then. The song has been stuck in his head for days, though he can’t seem to remember whose it was. Perhaps Satie? Not that it matters either, Magnus is happy that he can simply remember the melody.

“Magnus”, Ragnor says a little louder then, and Magnus looked up at him, only managing to wonder why he had his vulgar hat on before he spoke again. 

“His name is on the list”

“What list? Ragnor what are you-”, he started before stopping cold in his tracks as he realized just what Ragnor was talking of.

Ragnor glanced down at the paper in his hand and sighed. “Alexander Gideon Lightwood, aged 26”, he read with a monotonous voice before looking back up at Magnus. 

“That’s him, isn’t it”, he said, but it wasn’t really a question. They both knew it was him.

“What?”, Magnus asked again, his voice weak as he stumbled to where Ragnor was, snatching the list from his hands despite knowing only a grim reaper could read it. 

It was empty to him, but he could almost swear he saw the black, wet ink on the paper, the deep color varying in intensity along the words that formed his name, building up in the curves and lightening in the lines. Flowing easily like water. 

“You  _ lied _ ”, he muttered then, his voice filling with anger and poison as he threw the paper back at Ragnor. “You said we’d have more time!”

“Magnus, I didn’t lie I-”

“No! You said- you said 83 years!”, Magnus screamed then, every breath burning as the tears ran down his cheeks, smudging the dark make-up he had. He felt as if he could no longer breathe, as if his lungs were filling with sand as he stood tall, shaking all over, facing the certainty of death. His breathing was ragged, and he could almost feel the fire in his veins as he silently stared at Ragnor, only thinking of how to save his Alexander. Magnus knew he had done it before, so he might do it again as well. He had saved people before, he could save Alec, too. 

“I know”, Ragnor said calmly, raising his hands to calm Magnus only to have him slap them away, “I know what I said, and it was true”

Magnus was too angry, too furious and heartbroken to speak, so he only focused on breathing, simply breathing - in, out, in, out and in again - as his eyes filled with more tears, unable to see anything but his own misery.

“It’s untimely”, Ragnor said then as Magnus looked calm enough to comprehend his words. “He was supposed to die at 83 due to a heart attack, but somehow he’s now in the untimely death system”

“What the hell is that?”, Magnus said, his words spitting out like venom through his heavy breathing as Ragnor grabbed his arm to calm him before he would smash something.

“Something is driving him towards death before his time”, Ragnor explained, his grip firm as Magnus struggled against it, wanting to blow up the whole building in his sadness.

And then, one by one, Ragnor’s words sank in. And Magnus understood what he meant. 

“You’re saying- that- that I’m the one causing this?”, he stuttered, his whole body turning limp, his knees buckling under the weight of it all. But Ragnor was there to break his fall, as Magnus supposed he always had been. And he sat Magnus down on one of the chairs, his previously rough touch now soothing, helping Magnus through it, helping him simply breathe, and focus.

“I did this?”, Magnus muttered as he pressed his hand against his forehead, trying to push away his headache.

“I don’t know”, Ragnor admitted, “the untimely death system is a complicated one, but I just don’t see why else he would suddenly be on that list. It’s not his time”

“How does it happen?”

“Magnus-”

“How?”, he demanded, his eyes leveling with Ragnor’s as he stood up in haste.

Ragnor sighed, his eyes dropping to read the parchment in his hands.

“Excessive blood loss, internal damage and trauma to the head”, he read slowly, as if he was afraid to say the words out loud, “probably a car accident”

Magnus was silent then, his mind suddenly filled with images of his dear, sweet Alexander covered in blood, his clothes torn and his dark hair damp with gasoline. He could almost see the lights turn dark in his soft, brown eyes, his arms falling limp as his head rested against the steering wheel, his pale skin bloodied and bruised, his shirt more wrinkled than before.

And his breath hitched then as he fell to his knees, a silent scream escaping him as he raised his hand to cover his mouth. It couldn’t be possible. It just couldn’t. He had thought they’d have more time, so much more time, but that just never seemed to be in the cards for him. And more importantly, he wasn’t ready. Not yet ready, maybe not ever even, to say goodbye. It just wasn’t enough, what little he had been given, wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

And the time froze around him then, as he understood just what he stood to lose if he lost him. He would lose himself, and the little memories he had only just begun to regain. He would lose every little part of himself with Alexander, everything he had would be buried with him. All he had now would disappear as the memory of him would fade, and in just a matter of days, months or years - Magnus didn’t even know how long he would be allowed to hold onto his memory - it would all be gone. How long was he allowed this time? Could he maybe remember for two weeks the way his voice sounded when he sang in the shower? Maybe for a month he could recall the way he looked at him in the mornings, but what if the memory of his scent only lasted for a day? What if the curves of his scars faded from Magnus’ memory in a matter of hours? And what of his kisses, the way their lips moved effortlessly together, as if they had been created so. How long was Magnus allowed to remember that? 

The warmth of him would fade from Magnus’ bed, his clothes would be thrown away in haste, Magnus no longer remembering where he had gotten them from, and his scent would disappear from his apartment with summer, and by fall there would be nothing of him left. His name would mean nothing to Magnus, he would never visit his grave for it held no meaning to him then. He would only be someone Magnus no longer knew, someone he would long for, not knowing what the pull in his chest was. And how many people had he lost this way? Had he caused their deaths, merely with his presence? 

So perhaps he did deserve his life after all. If he had truly killed all of his loved ones, he didn’t deserve to remember them, he didn’t deserve to mourn them or be loved by them. If he was the cause of this, too, then he deserved to lose Alexander. He deserved to forget him and then suffer all over again with the next one. The punishment fit the crime.

Ragnor kneeled beside him then, his voice distant and Magnus couldn’t hear him. His mind was consumed with images of his Alexander and he could barely register Dot and Cat walking in, stopping in their tracks as they saw Magnus on the floor, Ragnor now hidden under his hat as he comforted him.

“Magnus?”, Cat said then, taking a few rushed steps toward him, but stopping as Magnus stood up, his entire being broken as he spoke, his eyes glued to the floor.

“Something happened”

Cat furrowed her brows, the only one not seeing Ragnor stand up behind Magnus, his black brimmed hat on and a long list in his hand, full of names and dates. She only looked at Magnus, until she could feel Dot’s long nails digging into her palms, her eyes watering as she stood there silently, looking somewhere behind Magnus’ shoulder.

Cat’s eyes were more stern then, as she understood what was happening. Or tried her best to.

“What is it?”

She stepped closer, Dot right behind her, and reached out to Magnus with mild horror in her eyes. It was dark in the apartment, almost too dark to see, but it didn’t matter then. They all gathered around Magnus, even Ragnor. 

“Is it Alec?”, she asked quietly as Ragnor removed his hat, stepping forward to stand beside his friend. He nodded quickly, briefly, not sure where to look.

Catarina glanced at Dot, her eyes filling with panic and tears, and she gripped her hand a little tighter before letting go.

“I need to fix this”, Magnus muttered, more to himself than anyone else, his eyes darting across the room until settling on Catarina as she stepped in front of him, cupping his face.

“This is not yours to fix alone”, she said, her voice not wavering despite the obvious tears in her black eyes and she shook her head slightly, the panic leaving her, making room for kindness.

“You always do this, Magnus. You act like you’re all alone in the world. As if you need to get through everything alone, as if there’s no one here to help you”

She stepped a little closer, pulling Magnus into a hug, her eyes watery and overflowing with love as she whispered into his ear, her head buried in the crook of his neck. “You are not alone, Magnus”

“Whatever you decide, we’ll stand by you”, Dot added, stroking Magnus’ arm as Catarina pulled away. And even Ragnor came closer then, his eyes stern but soft at the corners and Magnus knew he cared more than he let on, and not only of Magnus, but of Alec too. 

“We’re here for you”, he said, his voice warmer and kinder than Magnus had heard it in years. And Magnus’ eyes shifted quickly to the floor before looking at Ragnor.

“How long?”, Magnus asked, his voice but a whisper but Ragnor heard him still.

His eyes never left Magnus’ as he crossed his arms across his chest and took a deep breath. “two hours”

Magnus’ breath was ragged, too fast and he feared he would collapse. It wasn’t until he felt Catarina’s hand on his arm, running up and down soothingly, that he felt that he could breathe again. He was sure he had never been more glad to have his friends there with him. 

“And you know what you need to do”, Ragnor continued, looking as if he wanted to reach out to Magnus but didn’t dare to, “but you’re not going alone”

-

The night felt like any other. The city was bustling with life, people passing all around Magnus even though it was getting late. He had insisted that Catarina and Dot not be there, so it was only he and Ragnor, walking side by side in the streets, their dark coats flowing behind them in the soft summer wind. He knew they would be better off not seeing what was going to happen. It wasn’t something one could easily forget, even with slight amnesia. 

Magnus walked down 29th and Park, the heat of July pressing down on him even in the night, the sun still stubbornly hiding behind the overcast sky. And Magnus found himself praying then, that his love was still safe. He knew they had time before it was going to happen, but he couldn’t help himself as he looked at every passing car, every pedestrian crossing the street just to make sure it wasn’t him. That his time wouldn’t come any earlier than this, for it was far too early already. He knew what Ragnor would say if he mentioned it to him, for it was something he had said countless times before when Magnus had questioned the fairness of life.

_ People die at nine and ten, too. _

He was right, of course, but it still didn’t seem right to Magnus. In his mind, there was no life that deserved to die. He supposed that was what had inspired him to save Catarina, too, in her previous life. He did not know her, yet he was determined to save her from certain death. Ragnor didn’t understand such things, but then again, it had been almost 800 years since Ragnor had last been human.

And Magnus felt much calmer then, or perhaps his mind had merely numbed every last bit of emotion in him, he wasn’t sure. But no matter the circumstances, he felt very happy that he had gotten to love Alec so many times, even if this one would be the last. Even if they would never see each other again after this night. He had gotten to love him, with all he had, and he had been loved in return as well.

It was that blessed thought that stopped him from collapsing onto the ground when he saw Alec.

Magnus’ pace slowed before stopping completely, admiring Alec from afar before he would notice him, before the moment would be gone. And Magnus only wanted to hold onto that one moment, that one day in the bus when Alec had smiled so charmingly at him, stealing his heart so easily with just that one look. And even this one too, with Alec looking up at the sky that still wasn’t dark, his eyes crinkled from smiling, his hands in his pockets as he swayed on his feet. 

And he looked happy, he really did.

Magnus took a deep breath, feeling the chilling presence of Ragnor behind him as he tried to hold himself together. And with one step, and then another, and another again, he made his way to Alexander, his hands shaky and constantly fidgeting with his earring. He wasn’t at all sure that he had the strength to make it to him, for in that moment he only wanted to walk away and let it all happen. He wasn’t sure if he could get through of what he knew was coming. What he supposed he should’ve known all along. After all, the end of the road was always the same for him, and he knew it now. The memories that Alec had given him had shown him the future he had experienced countless times before, and this was it.

“Hey”, he could hear Alec speak as he noticed Magnus walking towards him, a light bounce in his step as he pulled Magnus to him, his lopsided smile sweet compared to Magnus’ broken one.

“Hey”

Alec’s smile only grew wider and he grabbed Magnus’ hand, eager for whatever Magnus had to say that was so important that they needed to see each other in the middle of the night instead of talking on the phone. Alec glanced inside the bar quickly, Maia and some other people Magnus couldn’t recognize were ordering drinks there, waiting for Alec to come back.

“So, what was so urgent that you couldn’t just call me?”, Alec asked then, and Magnus could hear the smile in his voice. Magnus shuffled his feet and shoved his hands inside his pockets to stop them from shaking before looking up.

And he felt panic rising inside of him as he met Alec’s eyes, for he was suddenly in such a rush to memorize every little detail of him, lest he forget. He wanted to remember the curve of his smile, the tiny scar right under his left eyebrow, the way his eyes changed color under the midnight sky and the way he never quite managed to get rid of his stubble. And Magnus raised his hand to cup the side of Alec’s face, tracing the line of his cheekbone, trying his best to remember the shapes of all things. 

“Did I ever tell you how much I love you?”, Magnus said then, his voice even nevermind the circumstances.

“No”, Alec replied, surprise flashing in his eyes, but only barely.

“Well I do”, Magnus started, lowering his hand to grab Alec’s into his, “I love how you can only cook french toast, I love how you read the same book over and over, never getting tired of it. I love how your hair never quite lays flat,” he continued, raising his hand to tangle his fingers in the hair at the nape of Alec’s hair, “right here.”

“I love how much you love me, no matter everything. And I love your crooked smile and your eyes, and the way you make me laugh. I love how you insist on borrowing my clothes even though they’re always short at the sleeves”

Magnus smiled then, all the beautiful memories of Alec, his beautiful Alexander, flooding his mind, making him feel warmer than the sun ever could. And for a blink of an eye, he was happy too. 

“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me”, he finished, leaning in to press a kiss on Alec’s forehead, his hands then dropping to his sides. It was the end of their road. 

“I love you, too”, Alec said, his eyes teary and a little hesitant, unsure and he wondered for a second, why it felt like Magnus was saying goodbye.

Magnus smiled at him softly, and stepped aside as Ragnor removed his hat.

“Ragnor? Wha- what’s going on-”

“Alec, can you look me in the eyes for a moment?”, Ragnor asked politely, even though he had already stepped closer, and had raised his hands to cup Alec’s face to hold him steady. Alec could see no one but him, and Magnus had to look away.

Alec tried to say something then, but just like Newton’s apple fell towards the ground, he gravitated towards Ragnor, unable to look away from his eyes. And his eyes turned a bit hazy, glazed as if he was somewhere else entirely and his arms fell limp against his sides. 

And the air smelled like rain, as Alec started to forget about him.

Little by little, Ragnor erased all traces of Magnus from Alec’s mind, from the sound of his voice to the touch of his skin against his own. The color of his eyes and the way he talked, all left Alec’s mind. The day they had met, the cliché pickup lines and all of the feelings were gone, too, and so were all of the other days, all the other times. Until there was nothing of him left, as if Magnus had never existed in his life.

He blinked rather rapidly then, as Ragnor searched through his mind, removing even the more mundane things, like Magnus’ favorite color and how he liked his tea, and how his name tasted in Alec’s mouth, how it had always fit there so easily. And he forgot the way his breath felt against his skin and how he laughed, the feeling of his heart against Alec’s and the way he looked at him. It was all gone, in a matter of seconds only. And then there was nothing.

And further away in the city, in Alec’s apartment, all traces of Magnus burned away. The pages he had folded from when he had read Alec’s copy of the Art of War and even the pictures they had taken together.  The mug Magnus had bought for Alec when he broke one of his own, and all of his clothes that he had left there, burned away. Even the message Magnus had written in his favorite poetry book disappeared, leaving only a burn mark in its wake. Nothing was left, not even ashes, and Magnus had never even been in Alec’s life. 

And inside the bar, Magnus could see Maia pausing for a moment as she suddenly forgot the name of the person she had been talking of, and Isabelle too, even further away, stopped mid-text as she could no longer find the number of the person she had tried to reach. But they were only brief moments, and so they forgot as well.

Magnus had never been here, had never talked to them or seen them. His name was foreign to them now, and the knowledge of it broke him. He had always thought of himself as the one who forgot, but now even that had changed as he turned around to see Alec again. His eyes were almost sleepy as he stared at Ragnor, who was essentially holding him up to keep him from falling down, and then he put on his hat and left. And Magnus had never felt so alone.

A second passed, then another, and Magnus could almost hear the beating of Alec’s heart, as if the whole world had gone quiet around them.

_ Thump. _

_ Thump-thump. _

He blinked, a car passed and Magnus’ heart broke. Alec didn’t turn to look at him, nor did he question the sudden emptiness he felt. He no longer felt the love he had only a moment ago, and he no longer knew Magnus. 

But Magnus was still in love with him, and tremendously sorry, as he turned away to leave.

 

 

-

“Goodbye Alec.

My Alec.”

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the light of this smallish cliffhanger, I'd like to say that I love reading your comments and getting feedback and it inspires me to write more, so please leave a comment or kudos - it makes me write faster!


	8. Chapter 8

**Magnus' note**

**-**

_ I do not know if this is a note to myself or a love letter to you, but right now I’m sure that it doesn’t really matter. We are inseparable, you and I, and so perhaps this will be a letter for the both of us. After all, I can’t seem to be able to do anything without thinking of you - the thoughts of you consume me no matter what I do. I can’t even write a simple letter to myself without filling it with my thoughts of you. You have bewitched my mind, and I can’t help but love you. _

_ \-- _

_ They say life is about getting used to saying goodbye, to parting ways. But as an old friend of mine used to say, no one gets used to losing people. So I am afraid that one day I will lose you. And I won’t be anymore ready to say goodbye to you in twenty, thirty or fifty years than I am now. Which is not at all. So be mindful of me then, for even if I have lost you before, I will mourn as much as I surely did that very first time. I never got used to losing you, and I never will. _

_ But I am more afraid of myself, than I am of time. Time has always been the monster at the end of our book, but now so am I, for I am in a lifelong battle with my own memory, and I am sure that it will disappear with you, as all things will. The scent of you, the memory of you, will disappear one by one. So one day I will wake up, and I won’t remember you anymore.  _

_ But you know me. You know how stubborn I can be, how competitive. So I promise you this; I will fight, I will make myself remember, which is why I am writing this note to myself. _

_ I want to remember the feeling that overcame me when you smiled at me that one day in the bus. I want to remember how you looked at me in the coffee shop, and how my name sounded when you first uttered it from your godlike lips, how easily it rolled off your tongue, like it had been made to be there. And more even, I want to remember yours. How I fell in love with it even before I knew you, or you me. How I loved every syllable, how I never tired of uttering it like it was the only word in the dictionary.  _

_ I want to remember the first time you matched my walking pace, and the first time I heard your voice. I want to remember the first time you called me, and how you called me a hopeless romantic for remembering these silly little things that no one else would ever pay any mind to. But I want to remember everything.  _

_ And most importantly, I want to remember the very first time we kissed. How your lips felt against mine, how your hands clinged to me and how I clinged onto you. How the rain fell over us like it does in the movies, how it didn’t matter that we were soaking wet despite your umbrella. It didn’t matter, because you were there and finally, you were mine. And how blessed I was, to be able to have that. How blessed I am, to have had you in four lifetimes all to myself. You gave that to me, and I don’t know how I’ll live without you.  _

_ But I know I’ll see you again. Maybe it’ll take 500 years, or fifty or thousand, but I will see you again. We have found each other time and again, and though every time we’ve been forced apart, I know that our souls are connected. And so maybe this goodbye will be a goodbye for the past thousand years and a prelude to what will come. And we will embrace it when it does. _

_ So I’ll remember. I have to remember that your name is Alexander Gideon Lightwood, that your favorite food is burgers and you claim to hate alcohol but I saw you sipping gin one time, so I know you’re lying. I’ll remember that your favorite color is blue and that you say you know nothing of fashion but whenever you’re stealing my shirts you always pick the most elaborate ones, and not, say, that old green sweater that sits at the back of my closet.  _

_ I’ll remember that your eyes are brown, hazel and so warm when you look at me. Yes, I’ll need to remember the way you looked at me, for no one has ever looked at me like you have. _

_ I want to remember the good times and the bad, for we certainly had both, and what is life if you’d only have good days. We needed the screaming and the tears to get to where we are now, to be the people we are now. And you have shaped me, through four lifetimes your love has made me into the person I am today. The person you fell in love with.  _

_ So I hope this letter to you (that unfortunately only I will ever see) brings some comfort to me in the days without you. That I’ll read this letter every morning and every evening as I cling to your memory and pray to anyone who might listen that you’ll come back to me. I will read this and remember you and all our times together, so that when we will meet again, I will know you. _

 

_ And I’ll see you soon, _

_ M. B. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Nine years later.**

**-**

Magnus stirred his tea, watching as the milk swirled in his cup, turning its color a bit lighter before raising the spoon, clinking it twice against his cup before putting it down. He sighed, and raised his eyes to meet Catarina’s.

“How’s Dot doing?”, he asked and reached for the sugar, putting a spoonful into his tea but not bothering to mix it. Instead he crossed his arms across his chest, the bitter winds of September biting into him ruthlessly.

“Much better, I think”, Cat answered with a hopeful tone, but Magnus could hear the words she wasn’t saying.

“But-?”

She sighed and lowered her eyes, her hands fidgeting in her lap and her coffee sitting on the table, getting colder and colder. “But Ragnor stopped visiting”

Magnus chuckled, but it came out broken and wavering. “He’s so adamant about not telling, but he tells so much with what he does”

“I think get it now”

Magnus could tell her mind was a bit elsewhere, but he let her finish her thought nevertheless. 

“What Ragnor always says about how if we knew when we were going to die, we would regret everything. How if I asked him and he told me, I would regret knowing that too. I get it now”, she continued, her eyes a bit watery and her fingers twisting the ring on her finger so much that Magnus thought it must’ve hurt. 

She took a deep breath before looking up at Magnus again. “I wish I didn’t know”

“Ragnor is wiser than he looks”, he joked, and Catarina chuckled, though it didn’t do much to lift either of their spirits. Magnus tilted his head then, a worry appearing between his eyes as he looked at her. It had been a tough few months for her, for all of them, and Magnus worried. Her eyes had lost their spark and there was a darkness underneath them that Magnus knew hadn’t been there before. Her back was more hunched and there was that type of weariness to her that made her seem much older than she was. 

Magnus reached out then, as a strand of her hair caught his eye, and he took it between his fingers, running them through it. It was gray, almost silvery in the sunlight, and it shone amidst the rest of her black hair. Catarina huffed as she saw Magnus’ expression and shook her head. 

“Oh don’t look at me like that, Magnus, I’m not that old”, she said and gently slapped his hand away, “besides, Dot says it looks good”

“It does suit you”, Magnus said, though the small lump in his throat made his words come out uneven and unconvincing. 

Catarina tilted her head a bit then and crossed her arms. Her eyes were more stern, but there was still kindness there as she looked at him. “And what about you?”

“What about me?”

Cat looked briefly somewhere behind his shoulder before speaking. “You and Ragnor are both terrible liars”

Magnus shifted in his seat, his eyes lowering.

“I know you miss him”, she continued, her voice low and calm as if she was talking to a wounded animal. Magnus hated it. 

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine”, he said, his voice more blunt than he had intended but Catarina took no offense. She simply gave him a knowing look, and took a deep breath.

“And you still haven’t forgotten?”

Magnus glanced at her before lowering his gaze again, his hands fidgeting. “I wish I had”

“No, you don’t”, she said and leaned in closer, “you’re afraid of it”

Magnus looked around then and tightened the scarf around his neck. He silently cursed Cat for making them sit outside in the brisk autumn winds, and he shuddered as he reached for his tea that he knew was certainly cold now, the porcelain cup like ice to his touch as his fingers curled around it. The tea was still a bit warm, but the taste was too sweet. Perhaps Magnus had added a bit too much sugar. 

He frowned and put the cup down.

“I keep waiting for it, every morning I’m afraid I won’t know his name anymore”, he admitted, not looking at Cat as she reached out and grabbed his hand in hers. 

“And it breaks me to know that he doesn’t know me, and he’s not coming back”

Cat tilted her head as she studied him, pity lingering in her eyes. “You are still loved, and you shouldn’t be fighting on your own”

However, Magnus’ thoughts were short. “If he forgot me, it only means I was someone that he could forget”

She chuckled then, and shook her head. “Always so dramatic”, she muttered under her breath and sighed, raising her hands on the table, leaning on them, “maybe you just need to go away for a while. A change of scenery would do you good”

“I’m not leaving”, Magnus said and leaned back in his chair, “you’re my friend, I’m not leaving you and Dot, not right now”

His concern made Cat smile and her heart ache. Being with Magnus had really made her realize the toll time had on people. She had never really noticed his unchanging nature until everything around her started changing. When she noticed the grayness amidst her hair or the fading color in her eyes. How her steps became slower, more weary, and how her body ached. She wasn’t old, but she had lived quite a life and it showed. None of these things affected Magnus, of course, and it managed to surprise Catarina every time. How he always looked the same, how he never aged. Or more even, how he did age, but differently than everyone else. His looks stayed the same, but there were millenias in his eyes and centuries on his shoulders. 

And she worried. 

She wasn’t going to be here forever, Dot even less than her, and not even Ragnor was truly immortal. And she didn’t want to leave him alone, even if it wasn’t up to her. She had always wished that there would be such a person for him, someone who could truly stay by his side and never leave. And she had hoped, however briefly, that Alec might’ve been that for him. Because even though he was mortal, there was something about him that had made Catarina hope that he might be different. She knew better now.

“How are you doing otherwise?”, she asked him then, looking at him through her lashes. 

Magnus sighed. “I don’t know”

“You should consider that vacation”, Cat said with a smile and placed her purse onto her lap, already getting ready to leave. She was busy nowadays, after all. 

“I have to go, my shift is starting”, Catarina said as she stood up, her coffee gone. Perhaps Magnus had drifted off for longer than he had thought. He smiled at Cat as she left, leaving her half of the bill on the table under her mug. Magnus took the money and waved for a waiter to give him the bill, for he didn’t really feel like sitting there alone. He knew Cat had to work more now, with Dot’s medical bills eating almost everything they had, and she always refused Magnus’ help which infuriated him to no end. He only wanted to make things easier for them, like they had done many times for him, but Cat insisted that they could handle it on their own. And maybe they could, but it also meant that Magnus didn’t see either of them as much. 

It had been nearly a decade, but Magnus still felt just as lonely as he did that first night without him. And he needed his friends, but it seemed time had gone by faster than Magnus had thought, and he was frozen in place as everyone else moved on. Or everyone but him and Ragnor, though even he seemed to have more work now than usual. Life went on for others, but not for Magnus. His life had been the same for the last nine years, his days forming of habits and routines that he didn’t know how to break. Or if he even wanted to break them. They were slow and predictable as habits were, but they brought him security and comfort and God knew Magnus needed some of that. He needed something constant when everything around him was shifting.

He paid the bill, and to be honest he had been so in his thoughts that he hadn’t even seen the waiter place it in front of him, and dusted off his long black coat as he stood up and left. He walked with his hands in his pockets, his burgundy scarf wrapped tightly around his neck as the wind blew. Though he had to admit that he had needed the fresh air since he often found himself locking himself up in the apartment for days on end. Maybe Cat had thought so, too.

He had nowhere to go, but Magnus already knew where his feet were leading him well before he saw him. He supposed there was nowhere else for him to go, so he went to him, even if he wasn’t really here, or not how Magnus needed him, anyway.

The sun was shining through the clouds, running its brush across all things, making them appear warmer and more beautiful. Even the winds stopped blowing then, and everything was peaceful. Magnus stopped walking, too, no longer hearing the chatter of people or the cars passing him. He couldn’t see the people that bumped into him, their elbows digging into his sides as he merely stood there, his hands in his pockets and a little bounce to his step. Nothing else existed in the world, when he laid eyes on him.

_ Alec.  _

He was far away, but Magnus could still see how the sun shined on him, how it brightened his hair and made him glow, like something divine. And if Magnus closed his eyes, he could surely recall the way his hair smelled or how his skin felt against his. How it felt to hold his hand, how his voice sounded so beautiful to Magnus. And it wasn’t the sun that warmed him up then, but him. He was Magnus’ very own sun, melting the ice that had creeped into his life and for a moment Magnus couldn’t breathe as he looked at him.

And it was hard to look at him, the way he smiled at someone else was painful to Magnus and the way someone else made him laugh almost made him wish that he wasn’t so happy. Of course he wouldn’t be, if he knew. Or at least Magnus hoped, that if he remembered him, being apart would’ve hurt him too. But no matter how hard it was to see him, it was harder not to. Magnus needed these little glimpses into his life, to keep himself sane, since he couldn’t talk to him, ask him how his day was or how things were with his sister. He could only stand afar, a silent audience to his life, and hope that he was happy. 

And he seemed to be. He was a lawyer and Magnus was proud of him. He had even added that on his list. Or letter, or note, or whatever it really was. Things he needed to remember about him. It had been the only thing Magnus had read during that first year, but now he hadn’t even really looked at it in a while. But he carried it around with him, more out of habit than anything else he supposed, and maybe it brought him comfort, too. He was quite set in his ways, after all.

Magnus crossed his arms then, guarding them from the wind, and he as he looked at Alexander, his eyes finding him effortlessly amidst the masses of people, his ears drawn to his voice, he knew that if it weren’t for these small moments, there wouldn’t be much in his life. If Alec wasn’t here tomorrow, what would be left for Magnus? If he left, he would surely take the sun and all things beautiful with him. He was all there was for Magnus, though he hoped it wasn’t so. 

And without him, the hours felt endless to Magnus. He ached and ached, longing for a past that no longer existed, for a future full of possibilities that had burned away that one night nine years ago. And the more he thought of it, the more he hoped that this wouldn’t be it. That it couldn’t be. He had thought that their road had come to an end, but he wasn’t done yet. He needed more, so much more time with him and watching him live his life through small and irregular glances just wasn’t enough. 

He could see Alec smile just before he turned away to leave, making his way to the loft. It was always then, that he wondered how he had made over 900 years pass by. He didn’t know anymore, for the memories had started to fade away with Alec, only glimpses here and there had remained, and even then Magnus had to fight hard so he might keep them as well. It wouldn’t be long before he wouldn’t be able to remember anything at all. His memory disappeared, one by one it disappeared with Alec. And he hadn’t lied when he had said that he wished he didn’t remember. Forgetting was something he was afraid of, but the bliss of not knowing was surely the consideration of God. 

And Magnus didn’t want to know anymore. He didn’t want the love if it came with so much pain. He just wanted to be numb, utterly unbeknownst to the pain he had endured, and live his immortal life freely. He had promised himself that he would fight, that he would not forget come what may, but lately it had gotten hard to breathe with the pain of all things pushing him down, down, down. It was so hard to breathe and Magnus didn’t want to fight anymore. 

The air smelled a bit like rain then, and Magnus quickened his pace. 

-

In the morning Magnus found himself sitting on his bed, almost comatose, looking at the empty place next to him. The other side of the bed was cold, the sheets smooth, not slept in. It had taken him quite some time to get used to sleeping alone, and now it was hard to remember the warmth of another beside him. And even though essentially everything still reminded Magnus of him, sometimes it was hard to remember the details. How the sounds of him filled the empty spaces in the loft, where now silence reigned. How his clothes and books and other things were scattered everywhere, how they were now neatly hidden away in Magnus’ closet. Even the smell of him had faded from Magnus’ memory and as he sat there, he wondered how long it would take before it was all gone. 

He sat up straighter, shifting so that his feet were hanging off the side of the bed, his toes curling against the cold floors. He took a deep breath and stood up, turning on lights on his way through the apartment, squinting as the sun shone through his balcony windows, blinding him. 

He saw him there, Magnus supposed he saw him everywhere. Even after a decade, he was still here, haunting Magnus with his presence. And he was haunted by him, desperately clinging to the past that once was, to his memory and the way he had once filled the emptiness in the loft. Now the place barely felt like home, and Magnus was afraid of the morning. He didn’t know what he should do with all the love that he still had, and the memories, so he just longed for the day they would be gone. 

_ Sad love. _

Magnus chuckled as he thought of it, of all the things he had told Alexander, why was it that one that had ended up defining their love. He closed his eyes and yawned, he supposed he had been tired for the past nine years because of him, too. Alec seemed to be the reason for everything - his sleepless nights, lost memories, heartache and all the other things too. Nine years, and Magnus wasn’t any closer to getting over him than he was that first night without him. 

He breathed deep and reassured himself he would get there. One day. After all, saving him had been worth losing all that might’ve been. 

The silence was deafening, Magnus was surprised he hadn’t still gotten used to it, and he ran his fingers over the marble countertops in his kitchen as his tea boiled. If he tried, he could still recall the deliciously full, buttery smell of Alec’s french toast, or the way his fresh omelette tasted. Magnus smiled, and tapped his fingers against the stone, his nails bare for once, and even his rings were gone for now. 

He turned and leaned on the counter, the hard surface digging into his back and his hands gripping its ledges as he listened to the sounds seeping into the apartment from the windows, the people and the city already awake. His tea was boiling, rather roughly too, and Magnus listened to it roar for a few more moments before lifting the kettle off the stove and pouring the water into his cup. 

He didn’t bother sitting down as he sipped his tea, and he barely bothered to do his makeup, for it had ceased to give him the joy it used to, the feel of his expensive brushes and lotions on his skin didn’t make him feel whole like it used to. Not when the other half of him was gone.

And there was little better for him to do there, so he left instead, sighing in relief once the heavy double doors close behind him, hitting him a little on his way out. And so he walked down the stairs and onto the streets, almost bumping into someone as he stepped out of the doors that led to his building. 

It never disappointed him either; how leaving his apartment and stepping out into the lively world made him feel instantly better. The loft made him feel trapped, and as he walked, he once again considered just leaving and finding something new. Starting anew as it were. 

Magnus was deep in thought, and he almost missed him. But like always, the sounds of his steps falling against the cobblestones and his breathing, too, were enough to bring him back to the present moment. 

He was perhaps on his way home from work, since Magnus’ mornings so often seemed to be afternoons to other people. 

And Magnus walked past him, his hands curled into tight fists, his knuckles almost entirely white as he fought the need to reach out to him, just this once. Magnus knew he shouldn’t, he knew it would only make it harder for himself, but he couldn’t quite help it as he stole a glance at him. His hair was combed, not at all messy like Magnus remembered it, and his suit was ironed and expensive and his shoes newly polished. The ugly bag he used to carry around had been replaced by a suitcase and his rough stubble was now a small beard, gorgeously groomed, making him look a bit older, and much more serious. Magnus decided that he liked it, and he smiled brokenly as he passed him.

And he wanted to look back. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and look at him as he walked away, despite knowing that each step Alec took away from him would be like a dagger in his heart. And it was already hard enough for Magnus to keep himself together, and not fall into thousands of tiny pieces right there on the street, right in front of him. He had to stop then, to breathe, though suddenly it was hard to remember how and his breath hitched as he tried to steady his racing heart. 

And he didn’t turn around. He fought the urge to run to him and hold him close, and walked away instead, his heart breaking with every step he took. 

But Alec turned, though he didn’t really know why. He didn’t know the man that had walked by him, but there was something that had briefly passed through him as he had looked at him. He didn’t know what it had been, that strange feeling or why it felt like his heart skipped a beat, and why it was somehow hard to look away from him. Alec felt that he almost gravitated towards him, as if the winds were begging him to go to him. So he watched as the man walked away, his dark coat almost floating in the wind, and Alec furrowed his brows. Why did he feel that way?

Struggling, he tore his eyes away and shoved his hands into his pockets, hiding them away from the wind and made his way to his apartment. But no matter the ruthless winds, he couldn’t seem to be able to shake that feeling that overcame him as he had looked at that man. 

_ I’ll find you, and you’ll return to me, _

The words rushed through his mind and he stumbled a bit on his way. They were familiar, Alec knew he had read them somewhere, but for the life in him he couldn’t remember where. It wasn’t his favorite poem, either, but he decided he liked the poet and as he hurried his way home, the odd sense of familiarity following him loyally, he knew there was something else there, too. Something to do with that poem, something that only now resurfaced, now as he couldn’t recall what it was that those words had awoken inside of him. 

_ as devotedly as the sea returns to the shore. _

He halted then, as the rest of the poem returned to him, before rushing back to his apartment with more haste than before. He knew, suddenly, what he was looking for. 

The door slammed shut behind him and he took a couple of heavy breaths, his eyes staring wildly ahead as he dropped his briefcase by the door. He ran his hand through his hair and down his face, tugging at his short beard before heading to his bookshelf. His books were one of the first things he had unpacked after moving, and so now they sat neatly there on the shelves, in alphabetical order too, but Alec already knew what he was looking for as he stood there. 

He pulled the book out rather harshly as soon as he laid eyes on it, and he ran his fingers across the cover.

_ Roominghouse Madrigals. _

And there it was again. That feeling. He had felt it as he had stared after that stranger, as the poem had popped into his head and every now and then he could feel it in his dreams. Those weird dreams that never really stuck and that he always forgot as the morning came. And now, too, as he shuffled through the book, he could feel it, though he had no idea what it was. It wasn’t sadness, or longing. It wasn’t love or heartbreak, it was more like that feeling you got as you tried so hard to remember something and it was right there on the tip of your tongue, slipping away each time just as you were about to reach it. It was like that, but more intense and with more depth, as if it was something integral to his life that he had forgotten, something meaningful.

He walked slowly towards his kitchen, still shuffling through the pages, not finding the poem he was looking for until he came across a page with a small burn mark on it. He stopped, his fingers hovering above the page before he shut it, and put the book down on the kitchen counter. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before shuffling deeper into the small kitchen.

It was just a book, one that Alec hadn’t read in years, but somehow seeing that stranger on the street had brought him to it again. It wasn’t special though, and Alec wondered if he was just going insane, a bit sleep deprived maybe. He took a deep breath, and didn’t turn to look as someone entered his apartment. He knew it was most likely his nosy sister, always impeccable with her ability to bother Alec only when he wanted to be left alone.

“Alec? You here?”, he heard Isabelle holler and groaned in response, running his hand down his face as the book laid before him. He considered briefly that maybe the book was cursed. Or maybe he was.

He heard Isabelle walk into the kitchen, but he paid no mind to her then. Maybe she was only there to steal beer, as she often was. And she was quiet for once, too, maybe sensing that everything wasn’t okay, and decided to let Alec cool down first. She walked past him quietly,  studying him as she grabbed an apple from the fruit basket by the fridge. Or not so much a fruit basket as it was old bananas and half a lemon from that time Alec had tried to make margaritas by himself.

Alec glanced at her quickly, but she wasn’t looking at him. And he sighed, opening up the book again, his curiosity getting the better of him. 

“What are you looking at?”, she asked then, her mouth full of apple as she turned to look at him. 

“Uh, nothing”, Alec replied simply, his fingers tracing the mark on the page, the strange feeling reappearing every time he touched it.

Isabelle furrowed her brows and tried to look at the book in her brother’s hands, her neck long as she tiptoed to him and stole a glance over his shoulder.

“Why is it burnt?”, she asked, snapping Alec out of his thoughts and he shuddered, surprised to see her suddenly standing so close. 

“What the hell, Izzy?”, he said, his voice slightly raised, but Isabelle only shrugged and looked at him innocently with her big brown eyes.

“What?”

“Don’t scare me like that!”, he muttered and resumed his attention back to the book, closing it heavily as he felt his sister leaning closer, eating her apple right beside his ear.

“What are you even doing here?”, he said then and turned his head to look at her, his patience already thin, “shouldn’t you be pestering Maia instead of me?”

Isabelle rolled her eyes then and threw the remaining apple into the garbage can by the broken dishwasher and hopped on the counter. 

“I never see you these days”, she said and Alec turned around to fully face her, the book still in his hands, “you’re always working and I worry about you”

Alec sighed and put the book down on the counter beside him. “You know there’s a promotion coming up and I need to get it”

“So you can work even more?”, she said and hopped down from the counter, “work isn’t everything, Alec. You need a real life”

“I have a life”, he insisted, his eyes darting away from her and he crossed his arms across his chest in defence.

“Really? When is the last time you even spoke to another human being other than me or Maia?”

“At that last terrible date you forced me to go to”, he snapped back.

Isabelle rolled her eyes. “They’re not terrible! You just have the wrong mindset”

“They’re always guys from your work or random people Maia meets at her restaurant”, Alec said pointedly, his eyebrows raised, “I don’t need more crappy dates, I need to work”

She sighed, stepping closer to him and ran her hand soothingly up and down his arm. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I have nothing to talk about”, he replied, his tone perhaps a bit harsher than intended, “it’s like you said: work is all I have”

There was pity in her eyes as she walked past him, her arm dropping back by her side. Alec turned around to watch her go, and she halted at the door, her hand resting on the door handle. 

“Don’t push me away, Alec”, she said and before he could reply, she was out of the door. Alec looked after her for a while, her steps echoing in the hallway and down the stairs, and he shook his head to clear it. He took a deep breath and turned around, the book still lying abandoned on the counter, drawing Alec’s attention to itself. 

And it made Alec wonder. It had been his favorite book when he had been younger and still had time to read something other than case files, but lately he hadn’t so much as laid a finger on it, until now. It was as if the book was calling out to him, as if there was something there, but no matter how Alec tried to search his mind, no matter how many times he read that book, trying reach out to that something, he found nothing. It was just a book. 

Alec closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before sighing and walking deeper into the kitchen. He rummaged around, opening cabinets as he looked for his tea kettle and a clean mug and he shot a glare at the piles of dirty dishes in his sink as he filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove. As the water boiled, Alec moved around his small apartment, straightening things out and gathering the rest of his empty boxes that were left from when he had moved there two weeks ago, and put them into a neat pile by the door. 

The cold air nipped at his skin, making him shiver, and he made his way to the thermostat, tapping at it to get it to work. But it wouldn’t budge, and Alec sighed and made a mental note to talk to the super. It was getting colder and colder outside, and he didn’t really feel like freezing to death.

The water began to boil and Alec turned off the stove, pouring the water into his mug and placing the empty kettle in the sink to cool off. He watched as the tea bag bobbed and swirled in the water, coloring it brown like the trees outside his windows. And he leaned on the counter behind him as he drank his tea, effectively burning his tongue in the process, and gazed out of the relatively small windows he had in his apartment. It was definitely and upgrade from his old one, but it was still New York and he wasn’t that rich, even if all he did was work. 

Alec sighed and turned on the radio that sat atop his counter, suddenly wanting to drive away the silence that reigned in his apartment. It was odd, too, for Alec had often loved peace and quiet and being alone, but somehow lately he had been feeling more down. As if he was missing something that wasn’t there anymore, but like with the book, no matter how much he tried to figure it out, nothing came of it. And the more he thought about it, the more he felt as though it was just right there, right in front of him, but always managed to slip through his fingers as he reached for it. It was like trying to hold onto a dream in the morning, trying to capture all the details only to see it all disappear, like mist. 

Alec didn’t remember, and he didn’t know what it was he was trying so hard to remember, either.

Some old Beatles song came on the radio and Alec hummed along to the tune, his mug already empty, and he put it down on the counter, right beside the book.  He already felt warmer, and more content, and he quickly wondered how he had gotten into drinking tea. He had essentially survived college on coffee alone, but nowadays he barely drank it. He couldn’t remember, so he simply figured that it must’ve been Maia who had gotten him to stop drinking coffee. Ironic as it was, considering they had worked in a coffee shop together some years ago.

But his hand halted then, and he glanced at the book. It was old, Alec could only barely remember buying it, and the cover was worn, showing just how much he had loved it. The pages inside were already yellow, many of them folded to indicate the many times he had read it. There was nothing peculiar about it, except for the burn mark. He ran his fingers over it again, wondering why it was there. He had no recollection of ever even holding anything flammable near the book, and he was sure he had never lent it to anyone else. But the mark was there. 

It wasn’t even one of Alec’s favorite poems. It was just a simple thought, probably the ending to another, more complicated poem, and none of it made any sense to Alec. 

_ “So it’s always a process of letting go, one way or another.” _

He sighed and closed the book, rather harshly too, and made his way into the bathroom. A hot shower was what he needed. He glanced at the clock on his living room wall, the one that was always four minutes behind no matter how many times he fixed it, and it showed that it was almost nine in the evening, and it was getting darker outside too. 

He sighed and undressed on his way to the shower, his clothes marking his path, and even though usually he was a very neat person, whenever he got tired he just found himself throwing things all over the place. He had to wait by the shower for couple of minutes to let the pipes warm up, and the water was burning hot by the time he got in, hitting the back of his neck as he soaped up. He was humming along to whatever was playing on the radio, or at least the parts that he could hear over the roaring water and he had been right, for by the time he got out of the shower, all of his troubles had faded away. 

His hair was still dripping water as he made his way to his bedroom, too tired to do much else but put on his pyjama pants and fall face first onto the bed. He turned his head and groaned as he saw the case files that were piling on his desk, nightstand and floor, scattered all over the place. Maybe he did need some time off.

He woke up early the next morning, despite the fact that he didn’t have to go to work until later, his face pressed deep into the pillows and his blanket only half on. He sat up on the bed, his dream disappearing from his grasp like sand through his fingers, and all he could remember was the laugh of someone familiar. As he walked through his apartment, turning on lights and then squinting in the sudden brightness, he wondered who he had forgotten. Whose face did he see in his dreams but not remember in the morning? Was there a promise he had made, that caused the feeling he now had. That sadness, with such deepness it made his steps stumble. 

What was it that made him feel this way so suddenly, Alec knew it couldn’t be the book alone. There was something else there, too, but no matter how Alec searched through his mind, he found nothing, or no one. 

It was cold and he cursed his shitty thermostat for not working properly, his toes curling against the tile floors as he made his way through his small apartment and into the kitchen. He went through his cabinets, pulling out a packet of old cookies and a thermos for his tea. Isabelle often complained about his eating habits, claiming that he was “depressed” but Alec knew he was just lazy. It didn’t stop his sister from sending her fianceé grocery shopping for him every other week, though. 

And the book was still there. And the weird feeling came with it. But Alec couldn’t remember having these odd feelings before, so why now? The book certainly wasn’t new, and there wasn't anything that had happened to him that would’ve caused this, either. His life went on like it had the past nine years, so what was suddenly so special about that damned book? 

Alec thought about the day before, of how he had gotten that same indescribable feeling as he had passed that man in the streets, that man who had seemed so oddly familiar. Not familiar in the sense that Alec might know him, but in the sense that maybe he had once known someone like him. He knew that and the book had to be connected, but he couldn’t for the life in him figure out why or how. It was just a book, just a poem and just a stranger. And maybe that was all that it was. Maybe Alec was reading too much into it, God knows he had a tendency to do that. He chuckled then, as relief washed over him. 

Yeah, that was all that it was.

-

There were fourteen lamps in the hallway, and two more outside, but it was still dark as Magnus stepped through the doors and into the early morning. The wind was blowing against him, but it didn’t feel cold and the streets were quiet, devoid of any real life, and Magnus drifted off into his own thoughts easily, with nothing else there to distract him. 

His legs know the way by heart, his mind still not quite there. And he wonders, something he tends to do quite often. He wonders about waiting and forgetting, the two things that define his life, and he wonders which would come next. Is he still going be waiting, ten or twenty-five years from now,  or would by then everything be gone? He found himself hoping for the latter - he wanted to forget. He was ready for it. His memories had isolated him, wrecked him and made the lively world around him feel endless. He was lonely, and it was like death to him. He had never been so good with losing people, his fragile soul had not been made for him or the life he had. He had not been made for this.

He breathed in the brisk air, the smell of winter already there, and he smiled. He had always loved winter. 

Winter, and him too. 

And he knew he was still in love with him - how else could he think about him without even trying?

It wasn’t snowing as he stopped walking, but he wished it was. It would’ve made the moment perfect, but autumn was leaving slowly and reluctantly and somehow Magnus could relate to that, too. But he had wished that he might see him and his dark hair covered in snow. It was a sight he had always cherished. 

He had his eyes up in the sky, and Magnus glanced at the infinite darkness as well, tempted to see what he was seeing. But his eyes were drawn to him, his hair that was rivaling the the sky with its darkness and the way he moved, and every breath he took, as well. It was all familiar to Magnus, and his hands were shaking where they were hidden deep in his pockets, his heart beating hopelessly, longing for him.  

And he turned away, like all the times before, not allowing himself to indulge any longer. But just as he was walking down the stairs, away from him, he hesitated, turning around one last time.

He was so beautiful Magnus couldn’t really breathe as he looked at him. He looked so young, despite everything, and so so very gorgeous, as if something out of a movie, a myth and not real life, the way the darkness contrasted him, the way the rare flecks of light played on his pale skin. He was divine, and it was all so beautiful and overwhelming and-

He almost fell over then, his breath leaving him suddenly as he gripped the railing, leaning on it. His knuckles were white, his breaths short and ragged as fell down, his knees hitting the cold asphalt harshly. He raised his hand to cover his mouth, his cries dying down before anyone could hear them. Some people glanced at him in passing, giving him odd looks, but Magnus was way beyond caring. 

He gripped his heart, his cheeks wet with tears and he couldn’t breathe. 

Seeing him up close like that, so near and still too far away, it was simply too much for him to handle. Even after so long, he felt just as he had That Night, walking away, his heart broken and still in love with him and hoping it wasn’t a mistake. He had been sure then, but over time the doubts had found him. And now, he almost wished he hadn’t done it. He knew there had to have been another way, but for the life in him he couldn’t find it. 

Even after all these years, his choices were still the same - keep him and watch him die, or let him go and watch him forget. The irony of it all was perhaps the worse thing.

-

“I should’ve just walked away”, Magnus said, cursing himself for being so stupid, “I should never have followed him like that”

“I never tire of saying ‘I told you so’”, Ragnor said almost sarcastically, slightly enjoying Magnus’ pain. But only slightly.

“But I just-”, he started hastily, not sure what he wanted to say, “I just can’t leave him”

Ragnor sighed. “I know”

“And I can’t help but wonder, since he is still a part of me”, Magnus began, “am I a part of him, too?”

He looked at Ragnor with such intense insecurity in his eyes, that Ragnor almost pitied him. Yet he knew what it was his friend was truly asking.

“You want to know if he can get his memories back”, Ragnor stated knowingly, crossing his arms across his chest as a smug smile grazed his lips. 

Magnus only shrugged, not really wanting to admit that he regretted the decision he made nine years ago. Surely there must’ve been another way to save him. Surely.

“Could he?”

“To be honest, I don’t know”, Ragnor said then with a sigh.

“You are no help, Ragnor”

“What do you want me to tell you? No one has ever tried to regain their memories after losing them, nor has anyone ever tried to help them”, Ragnor said, his voice sounding oddly desperate to Magnus, and he knew then, that he cared for Alec more than he let on.

“I don’t know either”, he sighed, “maybe Cat was right. Some vacation would do me good”

Ragnor looked away in haste as he mentioned Catarina, almost shuddering. It was a tiny detail, but it made Magnus feel much worse than he had already. Ragnor really was a bad liar.

“So you did see it”

Ragnor glanced at him briefly and sighed as he looked away again, standing up to make some tea. Magnus leaned back in his chair, ignoring the ugly pull he felt in his heart as he thought of it.

“Does it happen soon?”, Magnus asked, not sure if he wanted to know or not. Catarina’s words rang in his head as he waited for his response, and he almost wished then that he hadn’t asked.

Ragnor put down the kettle he had in his hands, gripping the counter for balance as he looked out of the small window.

“You know I can’t tell you”

“You already have”

Ragnor turned around then, and his pained expression told Magnus more than his words ever could. He closed his eyes as Ragnor placed the tea in front of him, and they sat there like that, together and alone, in silence for some time.

Magnus put his hands in his pockets then and pulled out his note. Not to read it, but to retrieve something he had hidden there, something that over the years had come to hold much more meaning to him than it had before.

“You still have that?”, Ragnor remarked as he noticed what Magnus had in his hands. Ragnor leaned back then and crossed his arms again, “who even laminates things anymore?”

Magnus chuckled at his words, though it sounded hollow, and he didn’t look up at him as he spoke. 

“I didn’t want it to burn away with his memories”, he said simply, turning the flower petal over in his hands, “I should’ve kept the book, too, but it was his favorite. It was right that he should have it”

Ragnor said nothing then, instead he let Magnus finish his thought.

“He made me remember”, Magnus said thoughtfully and looked up at him, “maybe I can make him remember, too”

“He doesn’t know you”, Ragnor said with an exasperated tone and sighed, “you can’t just build a prison of memories to lock him in”

Magnus sighed. “I know. Which is why I need your help”

“Bold of you to assume that I will ever help you again after you got me suspended”, Ragnor said with a glare, “do you know how many supplementary documents I had to sign?”

“You were suspended for a week nine years ago”, Magnus said with an annoyed tone, rolling his eyes slightly, “you need to let that go”

“Well, anyway”, Ragnor said, dismissing the subject, “I have been waiting for this, though it took much longer than I thought”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Are you talking about that stupid bet you and Raphael have going on?”

“No”, Ragnor mumbled, “that ended years ago”

Magnus only raised his eyebrows at that, not quite believing Ragnor. 

“Raphael bet that you would last two months and I bet three years”, he explained, earning an exasperated sigh from Magnus, “and Camille bet only a week and Dot had five years” 

“She had the most faith in you”, Ragnor remarked with raised eyebrows, but Magnus paid him no mind.

Ragnor sighed and leaned forward, halting and leaning back a bit as if he was going to reach out to Magnus but changed his mind halfway. 

“Look I-”, he started, “I know the limits of my magic, but this isn’t something a true love’s kiss is going to fix”

Magnus looked away.

“I know I told you, that when he would be older he might see you in his dreams or have some odd flashbacks, but I meant fifty or sixty years from now, not ten or even twenty”

“Maybe in another lifetime-”, Ragnor said then, before Magnus interrupted him.

“Can you promise me there’s going to be another one?”

Ragnor didn't respond.

-

The bus was crowded, but Magnus felt at ease amidst all the people. The chatter and the loud noises made him feel less alone, less odd. They surrounded him, engulfed him, and he let himself be carried away and comforted in the lives around him. He had always been that way, and he felt calm as he bus halted again, his fingers tightening around the cold pole, shivers running through him.

He gazed out of the window, yearning for the few rays of sun that dared to peek through the clouds, still not ready for winter. And Magnus smiled, breathing deep, as the bus started moving again, pulling him back to life. It had always been these kinds of small, mundane moments that had kept him going. The small details of life, the hole in the road just outside his apartment, the people passing him and the ruffling of the wind, as eternal as Magnus himself. 

When it was dark, it was always harder, especially in the nights when he would wake up from a memory, an echo of something that no longer was, only to have his hand hit the empty space beside him, a reminder of the reality he was living in. The days didn’t always feel so long, either. His life was uneventful and long, but it was peaceful, too, and Magnus didn’t mind. 

People were moving from the front of the bus to the back and Magnus jolted back into the present moment as he was being pushed from all directions, elbows hitting him as more people seemed to appear out of nowhere as the bus moved through the city, its movements lulling Magnus back into his thoughts, until a hand gripped his, harshly pushing it against the metal pole he was holding onto as the bus came to a rough and sudden halt.

“Oh, sorry!”

And Magnus’ heart skipped a beat, jumping into his throat and latching there as his whole body halted, his hands suddenly shaking. It was his voice, something Magnus could pick out among thousands of others, and it was something he had not heard in nearly a decade, something he had thought he may never hear again. With effort, Magnus forced his lungs to fill up with air, to inhale and exhale, in and out, and begged his heart to calm down, as not to tear through his chest. His eyes were locked ahead, not blinking, and his mind was still. The world around him disappeared, the entire gravity of it shifting towards him as Magnus turned his head, everything else hazy and unclear, but him. 

Magnus had seen him from afar, he had seen him in his memories, but none of it was any match to what he saw then, as he looked at him. His hair was dark, so much darker than Magnus had remembered and his eyes only a few shades lighter, shining in the dying light of the autumn. His beard was a little uneven, and Magnus felt delighted upon noticing that small detail, but  _ oh _ was he beautiful. More beautiful than Magnus had ever seen him, his pale skin absolutely glowing as the shadows and the lights cascaded down on him.

And he was like the sun, and Magnus was Icarus - a fool faited to crash and burn at his feet, never quite reaching him. And it was hard to breathe then, Magnus felt as though his lungs were filling with ash, as though he was suffocating. It was so hard to breathe, and Magnus almost fell on his knees as he rushed forward, his legs not wanting to hear his commands, but he needed to get out. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see or hear as he elbowed his way through the bus, his heart  plummeting from the heavens to earth and he felt so dizzy then that he crashed against the streetlamp that greeted him right outside the bus as he stepped off. 

The world around him blurred, as if he was underwater, and the wind blew past him harshly, forcing him to stand up straighter. 

He closed his eyes and leaned on the pole as the bus went on its way, leaving a cloud of gray smoke in its wake. And he stumbled onwards, his face like stone as he walked. He had gotten off about three stops too early, but right then Magnus didn’t really mind the extra miles, until-

“Hey!”, Magnus heard him yell after him, and he stopped, his breath hitching as he turned around, bracing himself.

“It’s you”, Alec said as he stepped closer, a little out of breath and his hands almost instinctively reached for him until he managed to stop himself, and let them fall limp against his sides instead, “isn’t it?”

Magnus swallowed. “Do I know you?”

Alec’s eyes darted away briefly before settling on him again. “I’ve been seeing you around a lot lately”, he started, taking a step closer to Magnus, “and you seem familiar, somehow”

Magnus’ breath was shaky, his hands fidgeting, but he managed to feign nonchalance and shrugged, not knowing what to say. Alec stepped a bit closer then, shoving his hands into his pockets, and he looked down at his feet, shuffling a bit. 

“Would you believe me, if I said”, he started with a soft voice, suddenly very shy and Magnus furrowed his brows as he wondered why he behaved so, “that I saw you in my dreams?”

Magnus was completely at a loss of words, so he blurted out the first thing that popped into his head.

“That is an awful pickup line”

Alec laughs then, his eyes shifting again as if he didn’t quite dare to look at him, and so he looked up at the sky instead. His cheeks were rosy, probably from the wind, but Magnus liked to think it was because of him, too. That despite being older now, more experienced and a tough lawyer, he was still the same Alec Magnus knew. The Alec that blushed so adorably, the Alec that shied away from attention. That Alec. 

“Sorry”, he mumbled and looked at Magnus through his lashes, “there’s just something about you, though I can’t seem to put my finger on just what it is” 

And Magnus didn’t know what to say, only a nervous chuckle escaped him as he bounced on his heels, wrapping his scarf a bit tighter around his neck as the bitter winds blew past them. 

“Is it my dashingly handsome looks?”, he joked, his voice hallow and his smile unconvincing, but Alec didn’t seem to notice. He only chuckled and pulled his sleeves over his hands, holding them tight in his fists.

“Maybe”, he muttered, his eyes darting all over the place. Magnus found his nervousness endearing, his heart beating a bit faster with every shy look Alec gave him. And Magnus felt so much like that time he had seen Alec in the coffee shop, with messy hair and a coffee stained apron, making Magnus’ heart do cartwheels with just that simple look and a smile. 

“Are you sure we haven’t met before?”, he asked then, a line appearing between his eyes as he studied Magnus, as if he was trying very hard to remember something.  _ Don’t bother,  _ Magnus thought, and looked past Alec for a moment as he searched for words.

“I’m sure”, he said then, “I have excellent memory”

“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it”, Alec said with a shrug and a polite smile, the kind you gave to strangers, and it made Magnus’ heart ache. He wanted to see his real smile, the one he reserved only for him. Or had, at least. And Magnus wondered if someone else had already seen it, too. 

He shook his head bit then, unsure what to do or say. And so the two of them stood there in silence, yearning for each other without knowing it. The moment was endless and unapologetically mundane, and Magnus cherished every passing second. It was the closest he had been to Alec since That Night, and it had been the first time he had truly heard his voice since then, as well. He had felt as though he might drown in everything that was rushing through his mind, but right then as he looked at Alec and Alec looked at him, there was only peace. And it made Magnus realize how much he had missed Alec, how much of himself had gone missing with him, forgotten.

Alec’s life had been his life’s best part.

And as he turned away, leaving Magnus alone, feeling stranded and more lonely than before, Magnus took a haste step after him, his hand reaching out to his lover who didn’t remember his name anymore. 

“Are you happy?”, Magnus asked before he could stop himself, the words slipping out of his mouth and Alec turned back around to look at him. Magnus could see confusion flashing across his features, but only briefly, before it was gone.

“I am”, he replied and smiled, small. 

Magnus nodded and smiled as well. 

“That’s a relief”

And just as Alec was leaving again, Magnus let out a rushed breath, and reached out to grab his arm, but abruptly decided against it as Alec turned to see if he had something more to say. 

And Magnus stuttered, his legs stumbling, and he almost fell over as he tried to push the words out of his mouth.

“It was nice”, Magnus started, his voice quiet as he fought back the tears that threatened to spill, “meeting you”

Alec smiled and Magnus heart leaped in his chest. 

“It was nice meeting you, too”

-

As Magnus was walking, he thought about Alec, of the beautiful life he had. He felt bad for intruding, even though it had been out of his control. For the most part at least. And he thought of Catarina and Dot, and the advice he had gotten. And what he needed to do seemed so clear to him, then.

The bag of bagels he was carrying was still warm, and Magnus enjoyed it immensely in the rather cold weather. Though he felt less so as he saw Ragnor sitting on one of the smaller benches in the park, brooding as he looked at the people passing by. Magnus made his way to him, and sat down beside him. 

Magnus groaned then, and elbowed Ragnor. “Can you move?”

“No way, I sat down here first”, he scoffed and lifted his chin to look down on Magnus as he struggled to fit on the bench with him. Magnus sighed as he gave up, and Ragnor grinned smugly as he slurped his milkshake. 

“I did want to talk to you”, Magnus said begrudgingly, turning to face Ragnor who only looked ahead, ignoring him like the petty reaper he was. Magnus shifted a few times as Ragnor stayed still like a stone, refusing to make any room for his friend. “Can you make this bench bigger or something?”

Ragnor glanced at him with his face scrunched up as if Magnus had asked him something unseemly. “No, I cannot and even if I could, I wouldn’t, because helping you is a fool's errand”

“What kind of grim reaper can’t make a simple bench bigger?”, Magnus scoffed.

Ragnor slurped his milkshake loudly then. “You’re one to talk”

“You keep talking like that and I’ll set your hat on fire”, Magnus threatened, “can you stop drinking?”, he continued and snatched his drink away, throwing it in the garbage can that stood beside them.

“You’ll pay me for that”

“I’ll pay you if you help me”

Ragnor squinted at him, trying to determine if Magnus was lying, or simply if a free milkshake was worth the trouble. 

“Fine, you greedy bugger”, Ragnor said with an excessive eye roll and turned to face Magnus, “but I’ll have you know I’m very busy so it might take some tim-”

“Busy? You’re slurping your milkshake here during peak business hours!”, Magnus scoffed, “and don’t act like you don’t send poor Sheldon to do all your work”

Ragnor sighed deep and glanced at him briefly before looking ahead again. “Fine. What do you need? And I won’t be bringing anyone back from the dead if that’s what you were going to ask”

“Cuba, 1889”, Magnus said and turned to look at Ragnor with a pointed look.

“I cannot  _ believe _ you would bring that up”, Ragnor said through gritted teeth, “and it was mostly Camille’s fault”

Magnus turned away again, ignoring Ragnor’s remark, and took a deep breath. “I have to leave”, he muttered, leaning back. Ragnor looked at him curiously, tilting his head as he wondered where this idea was suddenly coming from.

“Did you see him?”, he asked, though he was sure he already knew the answer.

“Couple of times, actually”, Magnus admitted, his hands fidgeting in his lap as he looked ahead, his eyes hazy and unfocused, “and he doesn’t recognize me”

Ragnor only looked at him without saying a word, his eyes however showing how deep in thought he was.

“I have to disappear, it’s the choice I have to make for him”, he finished and looked up at Ragnor.

“You’ve suffered for nearly a decade, watching him from afar, and now you suddenly decide it’s enough?”, Ragnor said, as if he was thinking out loud. “Why?”

“Because he’s perfectly happy without me”, Magnus said, his voice falling flat as he looked down at his fidgeting hands. “All this time I suffered, thinking I had somehow ruined his life but… how could I have? I don’t exist to him in any way and I am only causing more suffering for myself by staying here, by watching over him”

“And he keeps making me want to live on, somehow, because of him I want to continue this miserable life of mine”, he continued silently, “I might have to go even further away”

Ragnor sighed and looked ahead.

“Then leave for a long time”

Magnus chuckled and glanced at his companion briefly. “Always so eager to see me go”

“What can I say?”, Ragnor said, his voice oozing sarcasm, “I love not having anyone barging into my office with their trivial issues or begging me to meddle with life and death to save their boyfriend”

Magnus smiled melancholy. “Will you tell me, when it happens?”

Ragnor shook his head as he stood up, turning to look Magnus directly into his eyes. “No. I think it’s better if you don’t hear his news”

“Well, I’ll call you”, Magnus said as he dusted his coat, not looking at Ragnor.

Ragnor furrowed his brows. “You know I don’t have a phone”

“That’s why I said it”

Ragnor scoffed then and left, and Magnus smiled. 

-

Magnus questioned it many times as he stood there, pacing and pacing before the heavy glass doors that led into the massive building. His hair was messy, half dropping over his eyes after he had ran his fingers through it so many times, and right then he was chewing his nails, which was something he never did. But right then he felt like he was doing a big mistake.

That he shouldn’t be there at all.

He shook his head, cursing a bit before turning to leave, but just then the doors behind him opened, and Magnus turned back around. 

And there he was again. And Magnus felt relieved that he had come, for he needed to see him so very desperately, one last time.

Alec was speaking with someone, his briefcase hitting his knees as he walked, his expression stone cold and serious. 

And he froze completely as he saw him, blinking twice before snapping out of it. He shot his companion a rushed smile and said something before making his way to Magnus, giving the gray skies above a glare before letting his eyes settle on Magnus instead. 

“What are you doing here?”, he asked, his tone hushed as if he and Magnus weren’t supposed to be seen together, as if he had something to hide. But his expression was softer, betraying his demeanor.

“I wanted to see you again”, Magnus admitted, his hands shaky as he fiddled with his many rings, twisting them on his fingers until it hurt.

Alec’s gaze shifted somewhere else briefly before settling on Magnus again. “Why?”

“Not for any specific reason”, Magnus lied, wanting to appear more nonchalant, and he stepped a little closer then, a small drop of water hitting his forehead, causing him to look up at the overcast sky, getting darker by the moment. Magnus stopped walking, leaving some distance between them, and shifted his feet restlessly. He put his hands in his pockets as the wind blew past them, and played briefly with the laminated petal that he had with him before looking back at Alec. 

“I’m leaving soon”, Magnus said then and offered him a weak smile, “I have some business abroad”

Alec blinked a few times, as if he was surprised by it. 

“Where are you going?”, he said and crossed his arms across his chest. 

Magnus was silent for a moment. “Asia, nowhere in special just… here and there”, he said then.

Alec nodded, but said nothing.

“I never really cared for traveling”, Alec said casually after some time, not really comfortable in the silence that had settled.

Magnus scoffed. “You do like it”

Alec turned to look at him then, his brows furrowed deep so that his whole face was scrunched up as he wondered how Magnus had caught his lie.

“How do you know that?”

Magnus’ eyes snapped up, looking straight ahead as he realized his mistake. 

“Lucky guess”, he lied.

Alec smiled then, and chuckled slightly and Magnus almost blew his cover once and for all. He felt tempted to just walk up to him and kiss him with everything that he had, and it was hard to fight it, as if a certain kind of gravity was pulling them together, a gravity neither of them could overcome. Magnus knew Alec could feel it too, he could see it in the way he looked at him and in the way he almost unconsciously shifted towards him, closer to him every now and then. 

But it was harder for Magnus, because he remembered, even after all that had happened. He could still recall every kiss, every ceaseless touch and every look that he and Alec had shared, and it was hard, so very hard, to pretend that none of it had ever happened. Because every little thing he did, was familiar to Magnus. His crooked smile, his light chuckles and the way he shifted his feet when he was nervous and the way he clasped his hand behind his back when he wanted to appear confident. The way he walked, the way he talked and even smaller details like the small scar above his eye or the way he never seemed to have gotten rid of his habit of picking his nails. All these things were familiar to Magnus, they were things he had spent four lifetimes learning, and yet he was a stranger to Alec. 

The times they had shared meant nothing to him, but they meant everything to Magnus. And the hopelessness of it all broke Magnus, and he had to look away from him to stop himself from breaking apart right then and there. So he looked up, his hands still in his pockets, as the last leaves of autumn were falling down on them. 

Magnus smiled and raised his hand.

“Did you know that if you catch a falling leaf”, he started, his smile wide as he remembered something similar Alec had said to him nine years before, “your love will come true?”

Alec looked at him rather oddly then, but couldn’t fight the feeling that washed over him whenever Magnus smiled. There was something here, something familiar, something Alec couldn’t name. But he was eager to find out what it was.

“My sister once told me something similar, when we were kids”

Magnus caught a leaf then, just as the few little drops of water every now and then were turning into a drizzle, and into a rain.

“Really?”

Alec’s eyes were fond as he stepped closer, gravitating towards Magnus, as if he was pulling him towards him with much greater power than the Earth itself. In a single moment, Magnus was lost, and he returned his smile and let him come to him, forgetting everything that stood in their way. If he were to leave, he wanted the last time he saw Alec in this life to be a happy one. 

As Alec stepped closer, he reached out and Magnus gave him the leaf he had caught, hoping for a moment that it might awaken something in him. And Magnus’ heart bounced between the heavens and earth, drifting in the sky like the petals of a flower, as their fingers touched and everything was perfect, for a brief moment.

“It’s beautiful”, Alec said nonchalantly, and Magnus remembered the cruel reality of their existence. His Alexander didn’t remember. And Magnus looked up again as the rain started to fall more heavily then, and he closed his eyes. 

“It is”, Magnus said as Alec smiled fondly, and prepared himself to leave. He hesitated for a moment as a thought occurred to him, and he reached into his pocket and gripped the petal like his life might depend on it.

“The truth is”, he began and took a rushed step forward, “I wanted to give you this, since we might never see each other again”

Alec looked down at his outstretched hand, surprise written all over his features as he saw a laminated flower petal there. Of all things, this wasn’t really what he had expected. 

“Why?”, Alec asked, but took the petal anyway, raising it to his eye level so he might see it better, and perhaps figure out why Magnus wanted him to have it. 

Magnus pondered for a moment, not sure what he should say. And he took a step backwards before speaking. “I like you, that’s all. And that petal once belonged to someone I loved, but who doesn’t remember me anymore. And since I’m leaving, perhaps I can finally forget, too”

Alec looked at him, and all hope of him remembering were gone for Magnus. There was nothing in his eyes, nothing at all, and so Magnus turned to leave.

And with a thump, his heart fell to his knees as he left, and a silent scream escaped his lips as he gripped his heart. The pain of it all was almost unbearable then, but Magnus kept walking, for he had to. He had to leave Alec, for he would never remember him or their love, and the knowledge of it was more painful to Magnus than anything he had experienced during his immortal life. Nine years he had lived without him, afraid of forgetting and always waiting for it, not always sure which he would prefer. Would it be better to simply forget? 

As he walked, his hand still on his heart, all sense in him telling him, urging him to run to him, to stay and remember, he realized just how much he had missed him. Which was why he needed to leave. Alec was here, he would perhaps always be right here, and Magnus would never leave him, he would only suffer in silence as Alec lived on without him. But the better truth was, that Magnus needed to forget so that he might live on. It was the same thought he had when he had made the decision to erase Alec’s memories nine years ago - he would never survive if he had to see him die. Magnus would fall the second Alec’s heart would stop beating, and so he needed to leave. He would leave and perhaps come back someday, not remembering the times before. Maybe he would see Alec again, in another life, or maybe this would be it. Catarina had thought so too, and Magnus smiled briefly as he understood what she had urged him to do some days before. He needed to leave, so he might not need to see any of his loved ones die. Not Dot or Cat or Alec. Not even Isabelle or Maia. He would leave and forget and they would all be gone by the time he would return. 

Not knowing truly was the consideration of God, and looking back on his immortal life, Magnus knew it was the right decision.

_ No. _

He stopped rather abruptly then, his hands curling into fists as he looked back. Alec was still there, nevermind the rain, the petal in his hand, looking after him as if Magnus was someone he would miss. And Magnus realized that it wasn’t his immortal life he was looking back on, it was Alec. It was his face he saw, not his own life, for Alec was his life and death, walking up to him tirelessly lifetime after lifetime, with a different question on his lips each time. 

_ “What’s your name?” _

_ “Have we met before?“ _

_ “Do you need a ride?“ _

_ “It’s you, isn’t it?” _

_ “Would you believe me, if I said, that I saw you in my dreams?” _

No. He wouldn’t leave. He had promised that he would fight, he had promised that he would find Alec again. It wouldn’t matter if Alec never remembered, it would be enough for Magnus to have any little part of him he could have, rather than to leave and have none. He would take what Alec could give him, and it would be enough. It had to be.

The rain was falling over them, flooding over the curb, both of them already soaking wet as Magnus rushed to him, cupping his face and just breathing him in, all of his aching and longing translating into that one touch. It had been almost a decade since he had been so close to Alec, and right then Magnus had no idea how he had survived it all. 

“Remember”, he whispered in haste, his breathing ragged and his voice wavering, making it almost impossible for Alec to hear him through the rain. But he did hear him.

“You have to remember”, he begged as the rain poured over them in waves, but all Magnus could see or hear or touch was Alec. He was, then, the center of his universe and Magnus gravitated towards him with such strength, it almost made them collide, transform into one being, one heart, one soul. 

But Alec only blinked at him, confused, not knowing what he should say or do as Magnus bared his heart and soul to him.

“I love you, Alexander”, Magnus said then and he no longer knew if it was rain or tears that fell down his cheeks, but he hoped he would be forgiven for rushing back into Alec’s life so mercilessly. “And meeting you, was the reward of my life”

And he looked into his eyes, and though he wasn’t sure what he had hoped to see there, the nothingness that greeted him was much harsher than he could’ve imagined. He took a few steps back, almost falling over as he stumbled over the curb, and he clasped his hands over his mouth. He had hoped that saying those words to Alec would make him remember, for they had made Magnus remember, but it seemed Ragnor’s magic was more powerful than Magnus’ love. And he walked a bit further away, leaning forward as he tried to breathe, to calm his beating heart, and he closed his eyes and let the rain fall over him.

Alec looked after him for a brief moment, his hair falling flat over his eyes and dripping water down his face, but he couldn’t care less then. He turned the petal over in his hands, and wondered who in their right mind laminated anything anymore. Who would want to hold onto a single flower petal?

_ “Did you know that if you catch a falling flower petal, you’ll fall in love with the person you’re walking with?” _

The words caught him by surprise, flooding his mind suddenly, and though it was his own voice he had heard, he had no memory of speaking those words. He furrowed his brows, and looked up to see Magnus walking further away, and the ache in his chest was somehow so familiar and foreign at the same time. He wondered how that could be.

_ “And what if you’re already in love?” _

He shook his head and took a haste step forward, his hands wanting to reach out to someone so suddenly it surprised him, but there was no one there, not anymore. His mind felt heavy, clouded, and the rain washed over him again and again, as his mind spun. Why did those words awaken such deep feelings inside him? Why couldn’t he remember? He searched through his mind as his eyes searched the streets for Magnus, who claimed to love him, though Alec barely knew him. He didn’t know him, but there was something deep inside of him he could feel as he looked at him, something that he couldn’t name, something he couldn’t reach. But it was there, every time.

_ “Ragnor always used to say that there is no love that lasts for eternity, but that there is no sadness that lasts for eternity, either” _

“I always wanted to believe that there was”, Alec muttered under his breath, the words almost falling out of his mouth, unconsciously, as if he was in a rush to say them. He was looking down at his shoes, the petal still in his hand as the images rushed through his mind, pounding heavily as they came.

Magnus stopped walking then, but didn’t dare to turn around. Had he imagined it? He angled his head a bit, but the words he had thought he had heard were lost in the pouring rain. 

_ “Which one did you want to believe in, sadness or love?” _

“Sad love”, Alec said, his voice broken as everything returned to him then, and he almost fell to his knees as he rushed forward, stumbling his way to Magnus. He ran, nearly falling over as he tried to reach him. The emotions, all the memories and the feelings overcame him in a matter of seconds, enveloping him as he grabbed Magnus’ arm and spun him around, his lips clashing against his as he pulled him closer. It felt so familiar, so  _ right,  _ and Alec couldn’t help the tears as Magnus returned his touch. Finally, everything was right in his life again, all the puzzle pieces fit together again as Magnus embraced him. After all the longing, stumbling around and searching, and here he was, right in front of him, even after all this time.

“I missed you so much”, he whispered into Magnus’ mouth as they pulled apart, his voice wavering, and Magnus could taste his tears on his lips. And Alec’s hands lingered on his waist as if he never wanted to let go of him again, and he supposed he didn’t. They had found each other again, despite the odds, and Alec didn’t dare to risk losing him again. Never again.

“I missed you, too”, Magnus managed, and raised his hands to cup Alec’s face, and they fit together so seamlessly that Alec wondered how they had ever survived apart. They were surely made to be together.

Magnus could barely breathe then, and he wasn’t able to tear his eyes away from him. The wind blew past them, making the rain beat them more roughly, and Magnus smiled. The same wind that made the leaves fall down before winter and brought them back in the spring, the same wind carried birds away into safety when it was cold and had brought the two of them together again. 

It was dark then, and Magnus’ hand found Alec’s, grabbing it tightly with no intention of ever letting go. Never again was he going to watch him go, that much Magnus knew to be true. 

“I- I cannot believe you suffered all these years-”, Alec started, his voice breaking before he could reach the end of his sentence.

“I would have suffered forever”, Magnus said, out of breath as he looked at him, “to keep you safe”

And Alec kissed him, and kissed him and kissed him. 

“But now I think”, Magnus whimpered in between breaths, in between kisses, “that it was stupid of me to do that, then”

Alec let go of his hand to cup his face instead and he looked into his eyes, and Magnus felt home again. He was home again.

“What if I had forgotten you?”

It was almost midnight as Magnus drowned in his eyes. 

Alec shook his head lightly, and Magnus realized that he knew, that he had to know, why he had done it. 

“It doesn’t matter now”, Alec said, and pulled Magnus closer, if it was even possible. And they crashed together, like the ocean waves hitting the rocky shores; ruthlessly and without mercy.

They made love slow that night, and afterwards Magnus stroked a line down Alec’s back, whose hands were much more restless, as if he was trying to make up for lost time. And maybe he was, maybe, in a way, they both were. 

“I don’t think I ever stopped loving you”, Alec whispered, his fingers softly resting against Magnus’ cheekbone, his eyes dancing along his neck, “even- even when-”

Magnus halted for a brief moment, even his breathing pausing then. 

“I could still always feel it, because, well”, he continued, more to himself Magnus supposed, but he listened to him all the same.

“I dreamed of you”, Alec said, his fingers now lowering to trace gentle circles across Magnus’ chest, his eyes not finding his. Magnus only looked at him, and the moment did feel like a dream to him, somehow. It was almost too perfect, were it not for the fear that Magnus was doing a mistake. That he should’ve never intervened in Alec’s life. But he couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t fight that power that kept pulling them together, and he knew he perhaps never could. He would never leave him, not again, it would be only this for as long as Alec would have him.  

“Is this real?”, Alec asked then, his voice small and fragile as his fingers danced along the lines that formed Magnus’ features, his hand drifting down to the vee at the base of his throat, “or a dream?”

“Does it feel like a dream?”, Magnus asked in return, intertwining his hands with Alec’s, pulling them down. 

“It does”, Alec whispered, as if it was a secret, “I’ve dreamt this kind of dream too many times”

Alec’s eyes lowered briefly to Magnus’ lips, and he leaned forward, though only slightly, before looking back into his much darker eyes. “Can you promise me that you’ll be here tomorrow, too?”

Magnus smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, somehow making him look younger. 

“I almost died the day I lost you”, Magnus admitted, lowering his eyes briefly before looking back into his eyes, their warmth swallowing him whole, “I am never losing you again”

Alec inched closer then, resting his forehead against his and wrapping his arms around his neck, placing a small kiss behind his ear before drifting into sleep.

-

Early the next morning, Magnus found himself standing in Ragnor’s office, explaining everything. And Ragnor just stood there, his black brimmed hat in one hand, arms crossed as he looked at him sternly, silently shaking his head.

“I mean, I don’t know if I can change his future, the only thing-”, Magnus says, his voice a little wavery from all the emotions rushing through him at once, “the only thing that I know for sure is that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me”

“Magnus-”, Ragnor starts but he brushes him off, not ready to listen to whatever he has to say. 

“No”, Magnus says simply, sternly, as he looks at his friend, “I won’t leave him”

“You’ve been down this road before, you know precisely how this is going to end”

Magnus shook his head. “Not this time, not anymore”

Ragnor let out an exasperated sigh and crossed his arms. 

“I thought I had no more fight left in me, but I was wrong. I am not ready to let him go, not yet ready to leave him behind and forget”

Magnus widened his stance, and they both looked mighty then, two greater beings, immortals who reign on earth.

“He found and embraced the loneliness within me, he brought me back from where I was lost, and now I’ve done the same for him. He needs me, and I need to be with him”, he finished, but Ragnor was not convinced. He said nothing, though, only stepped forward and grabbed Magnus’ hand despite his protests. Magnus could see his eyes turn a bit gray, a bit hazy and he knew what he was looking for. And then the moment passed as quickly as it had came and Ragnor let go of his hand. 

He looked at Magnus more sternly than he ever had before, his fists clenching and unclenching roughly. “I will tell you this now, so that approximately 40 years from today I might have the pleasure of saying ‘I told you so’”

He stepped even closer, and shivers ran through Magnus as he instinctively shuddered away from his grim reaper eyes. “You should’ve walked away”

And with that, he left, walking past him and Magnus stayed there, watching as he went. And he felt horribly awful, the truth of Ragnor’s words gnawing at his heart, the possibility of it all going horribly wrong in just 40 years seemed all too likely, Magnus knew that. 

And yet.

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that i love hearing your thoughts on the story so please leave a comment!


	10. Chapter 10

It happened on a Tuesday.

Late afternoon.

It was sunny, hardly any clouds on the sky.

A beautiful day.

The time leading up to it passed by slowly, as if the universe itself was savoring it, as if it wasn’t yet sure after all. As if it was still mulling it over.

“Do you remember the first day that we met?”

Alec looked up through his lashes to see Magnus already looking at him, the fondness in his eyes somehow still surprising, even after everything. He looked back down, his cheeks a little red, and wrapped his arm tighter around Magnus’ neck.

Magnus cleared his throat a little and scooted a bit closer before answering. “Yes, of course. Why do you ask?”

Alec shrugged, still looking down, his hand now running up and down Magnus’ bare arms, tracing the lines of his biceps. “Did you know then?”

“Know what?”

“How much we would mean to each other, how it all was going to play out?”

Magnus tilted his head a bit. “No, I don’t think there was any way of knowing”

“I wish I had known”, Alec said then.

“What do you mean?”

Alec looked into his eyes, their darkness surprising him every time he did, and he thought of the very first time he had looked into them. How he had barely gotten a word out of his mouth, for they had been so captivating, so easy to drown in. And most of all, how their bleakness didn’t suit Magnus’ lively and vibrant soul at all, how they contradicted even his most beautiful smiles.

“I would’ve come to you sooner”

And then it was Magnus’ turn to blush, which was something Alec took pride in. No matter all of his other accomplishments in life, his greatest victory was always that he was what sparked Magnus’ smiles. That he could make a 991 year old immortal being blush and shy away from his gaze.

Alec could only barely keep his smile contained as he looked at him, and Magnus practically shone - his soul was so warm and glittering and Alec wanted to wrap himself in it. He was sure it was God’s grace that made him seem that way, made him shine like stars against the canvas of midnight skies. Alec had once said something similar to him, but Magnus said that it wasn’t possible, that he was cursed, that somehow his immortal life was a punishment, that it couldn’t be God’s grace Alec saw, but perhaps something more demonic.

 _“Bullshit”,_ Alec had replied, _“you are immortal, because when the universe created us, it could see that one lifetime wouldn’t be enough for us. You needed to be immortal so you could love me more than once, more than twice and that I could keep loving you back”_

Magnus had chuckled, not saying a word in return. Maybe he had thought that Alec was crazy to even think of such a thing, that it was just the romantic in him that made him think so. To Magnus, it had always been painfully obvious that his life was a punishment. Or maybe not always. Only during the times in between, the times when Alec was not with him. He had said nothing of it to Alec, though.

 _“Then why aren’t we both immortal? There are some holes in your theory, dear”,_ was all he had said.

_“Aren’t we though? I had, essentially, lived for as long as you did. I just, went away for a little while every now and then”_

_“That is an adorable way to say that you died”_

And Alec had laughed, and whenever he laughed, Magnus did too. They had laid on the couch, Alec’s head in Magnus lap and the TV turned down low, neither of them really watching it anymore. Magnus had played with Alec’s hair until he had fallen asleep right there. And Magnus hadn’t moved an inch before Alec was awake again.

Alec knew, he had known from the first moment he had laid eyes on Magnus, that he had found something that made the world around him go quiet and let the stars shine a bit brighter. He had found something, perhaps even the whole universe was hidden in Magnus’ soul or maybe it was pieces of himself that he saw there, the pieces that Magnus had collected during their many times together, so that he might perhaps give them back to Alec and let him remember their shared past. Maybe it was something like that, or maybe Alec was just overthinking as usual. Either way, he liked to think it was the universe he saw when he looked into his eyes. Yes, it was a thought he liked.

“I wish we hadn’t lost so much time”, Alec said then, his voice low and rough in the quietude of the apartment. He had always loved these silent, honest moments he and Magnus shared in the night, when morning was only moments away. During these moments, tomorrow was so easy to forget.

“I know. I had thought that I had been too greedy for wanting to live old with you and hold your wrinkled hands in mine”

Alec looked at him quietly, and took his hand in his and drew small circles on his palm.

“So you’re saying that you’d love me even when I would be all gray and had no teeth?”, he joked and Magnus couldn’t help but huff a laugh, his head falling against the pillow.

“Even then”

Alec rolled over so he was laying on his back, his hands resting against his stomach. His eyes were smiling as he looked at the ceiling, and the sky was beautiful, visible through the window. Alec smiled as he thought of it, of living old with someone, someone he loved. It was a blessed thought, something Alec hadn’t allowed himself to endulge in for so many years. Most of his life he had spent denying himself this happiness, and even now it was hard to believe how lucky he had gotten to have found Magnus. And as he thought of it, he knew it wouldn’t matter if Magnus couldn’t age with him. It could never matter, not after all the lifetimes in which they had barely gotten any time together.

Magnus swallowed then, as if holding back tears, and Alec turned back to face him, his smile disappearing as he looked into his broken eyes.

“It’s been almost a year now, and I’m still afraid of losing you, but I keep hoping that what happened ten years ago won’t happen again. That I won’t have to do that again. That maybe, I might be allowed to keep you for longer this time”

Alec raised his hand to his lips, kissing each of his knuckles carefully with a fond smile on his lips as Magnus looked at him.

“If you hadn’t done what you did back then, you would’ve lost me for a lot longer time”

“True”, Magnus admitted, “but I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know you’d find your way back to me”

Alec chuckled. “We always seem to find our way back to each other”

“Maybe we are soulmates”, Magnus thought out loud, his fingers tangled in Alec’s hair. It made Alec feel safe, protected somehow.

“We are”

“Hm?”

“We are soulmates”

Magnus smiled. “Say it again”

“We are soulmates”, Alec said without hesitation, like it was the most honest truth he had ever known. And maybe in a way it was. Alec thought about it, of how their existence was defined by each other, how they managed to come back to each other despite time and circumstance, despite something always trying to pull them apart. Maybe that was what soulmates were; just normal people, who were too stubborn to let the world pull them apart. There was no life for either of them, without each other.

Alec looked at Magnus, whose breathing was already getting slower and his eyelids heavier, and he thought of him as well. Magnus was immortal, but he had never been old nor had he really allowed to be young, either. Alec often felt younger and older than him, both at once, even though he wasn’t really sure how that could be. And watching Magnus live his life, and also experiencing it with him, had changed how Alec thought of the world, of time. His life was consumed with time, with dates and schedules and Alec was so bound by it, by its order. But Magnus’ life was different, for time meant nothing to him. He was never in a hurry to do things or say things. His life had no beginning, no ending.

And Alec caught glimpses of it sometimes. Of how Magnus sometimes forgot to talk in past tense about things that had been gone for centuries, or how he sometimes reverted back to a language Alec was sure no longer existed. He sometimes thought aloud, and sometimes called things or even people by the wrong names or forgot that something he had known no longer existed. Oftentimes when they were walking, Magnus would point to someone and say that he used to know them in a different lifetime, and it made Alec realize how Magnus defined his life, how he thought of it in bits and pieces, how it was bound by the people he had known. He would say things like ‘in my second lifetime’ and whenever he did, there was always an air of melancholy around him. As if he wasn’t entirely sure how he should think of his life, so he cut it in pieces, making it easier to comprehend.

Alec’s newest discovery was, that ever since Magnus had regained some of his memories, he had started to define his life by him. When he was or wasn’t here. Alec had lived three lifetimes before this one, and the only things he knew about his lives were what Magnus had told him and the small glimpses he had seen in his dreams when he couldn’t remember anything else. And now it seemed that Magnus had cut his long life into four pieces, all of them defined by a different Alexander that were all still somehow the same person, with the same soul. Thinking about that always made Alec’s head hurt, and he had to stop. It was still something he couldn’t quite wrap his head around.

“But isn’t that how we know this is love?”, Magnus asked suddenly, his breath warm against Alec’s skin and his lips hovering just beyond reach, “time and time again we leave and return to each other. Separated only for so long that we might see how life makes no sense without either one of us”

Alec smiled and turned so he was laying on his back. “You always get so sappy when you’re tired”

And Magnus laughed earnestly, his head thrown back in joy. Alec yawned and scooted back closer to him, already missing his touch.

“I’m not tired, I’m just drunk”, Magnus admitted with a comical expression, and Alec grinned.

“And who’s fault is that?”

“Yours, obviously”

“Hm, I seem to recall that you suggested we go to Hunter’s Moon, when I just wanted to eat dinner”

Magnus squinted at him. “And you ordered the drinks, mister lawyer. I wanted to play pool”

“I ordered us beer and you ordered vodka!”

“You know I suddenly lost all my memories, it’s the strangest thing!”

Alec laughed earnestly, he really couldn’t believe Magnus sometimes. Then a small yawn caught him by surprise and he leaned into Magnus’ touch as he cupped his cheek. Alec let out a content breath, the warmth of Magnus’ palm making him feel secure.

“I’m sleepy”, he whispered, drowsily, and Magnus pressed closer to him, and stroked his arms, the soft skin warm under his touch. Alec’s skin prickled where his fingers had been, and he smiled before drifting off to sleep.

“Good night”, Magnus whispered, his hand raising to catch a strand of Alec’s black hair between his fingers, and he played with it a bit before letting his hand rest against Alec’s face, cupping his cheek. He ran his thumb over his cheekbone and pretented not to notice the crinkles under his eyes, “I love you”

But Alec was already asleep.

-

Alec craned his neck, trying in vain to chase away the ache that had settled there. He rubbed it with his free hand, his other one holding his heavy suitcase overflowing with papers and documents and just thinking about them made his head hurt. Maybe he should’ve listened to Izzy and become a teacher instead. Then perhaps all of his bones would stop aching like he was 80 instead of 36.

He closed his eyes, and breathed deep, his head falling back a bit. He was in a desperate need of a vacation. And a back rub, something he knew Magnus was exceptionally good at, more even with the other things that often followed. Alec smiled and made a mental note to ask him when he got home.

“Hey, handsome”, he heard Maia holler, and turned to face her with a wide grin.

“Hi”, replied lazily and Maia rolled her eyes at him before hitting his arm jokingly.

“Did you win?”, she asked, her hands in her back pockets.

Alec rubbed the back of his neck again and chuckled. “Do you think I would’ve gotten off from work if I’d lost?”

“Good point”, she said with a laugh and they started walking towards her restaurant. She had a later shift today and by the grace of God their schedules lined up so they could meet up and walk together. It didn’t happen all that often.

“How are things with your restaurant anyway? Sorry I haven’t been there in a while, but you know how my work is”, he said a little sheepishly. He had longed to take Magnus there for some time now, maybe they could go this weekend.

“Things are good, but a lot of my waiters miss you”, she joked and elbowed him, “at least I think ‘tall, dark and handsome’ means you”

Alec huffed and smiled, kicking a rock and watching as it veered off the road, his briefcase hitting his leg with every step he took. “And the adoption? Did you talk about it with Izzy?”

Maia frowned a bit and it was all the answer Alec needed. “Nah, she’s stubborn and says we should try again with the surrogacy”

“Family trait, I suppose”

She grinned and crossed her arms in front of her as a cool wind blew past them. Maia always claimed to be warm blooded, or something, which Alec supposed was code for ‘I don’t need a jacket if it’s not raining or snowing”. He shook his head and took off his coat to offer for her, but she declined it with a roll of her eyes.

And it really was a beautiful day despite the small wind, and the sun shined brightly in Alec’s eyes as he looked up and he had to use his hand as a shade and he smiled a bit. He could see Maia looking at him out of the corner of her eye, and he turned his head to look at her.

“What?”

“Nothing”, she said teasingly.

Alec raised his eyebrows pointedly. Maia smiled a bit and looked down.

“I was just wondering where that stoic-serial-killer-Alec went and who is this happy lovesick puppy that took his place”

“I am _not_ lovesick”

Maia laughed, her head thrown a little back. “Sure, whatever you say, heart eyes”

Alec rolled his eyes and hit Maia gently with his briefcase.

“Ouch! I’m telling Izzy”, she joked, but could barely contain her laughter as it erupted from her in small rushes.

“You do that”

“She’d agree with me, you know”

Alec didn’t say anything, only kept looking ahead.

“So who is he?”, she teased and elbowed him to get his attention. Alec glanced at her and wondered how he should answer, after all it wasn’t like he could just tell the truth. And he hated lying, so he decided not to.

“He’s my someone”

Maia gave him an odd look, but dropped the subject and as Alec looked at her out of the corner of his eye only a moment later, by the smile on her lips he could tell she was thinking of Isabelle. He supposed they both had found their someones.

His smile was a little sad then as he thought of Ragnor’s words. _They’ll need to remember for themselves, with time._ He wanted to tell someone of his joy, of how he was actually happy for once, how he had someone who made him feel so much after he had spent his life avoiding everything resembling emotion. He was genuinely, utterly happy but he couldn’t share it with the people closest to him, because they still didn’t remember the beginning so Alec couldn’t tell them the ending.

He looked away, his smile faltering and he shook his head to chase the thoughts away. He had Magnus back, and that’s all that mattered.

-

Simon sighed, his headache only getting worse as the machines kept beeping out of sync, loud in the otherwise quiet hospital. Why did grim reapers get headaches in the first place? They were supposed to be these badass immortal beings, yet they had to sleep and eat and pay rent and all that crap. Simon decided then that hated his life.

He looked around, Ragnor was leaning against the counter and reading through the list of names, and Simon tried very hard not to glance at it. It was a long list today. Simon hated his job as well.

Ragnor raised his wrist and glanced at his clock, sighing as he resumed his attention to the list of names. Simon supposed it wouldn’t happen anytime soon, so he leaned back as well, fixing the hat that sat atop his head. They stood there for what felt like hours to Simon, but according to the clock above the double glass doors in front of them, it had only been ten minutes before Ragnor started to quietly lead the way.

And they passed Catarina as they walked through the oddly quiet hallways, her white scrubs a melancholy contrast to their black suits and heavy coats and the chart in her hands containing the names of the people she needed to save made the list in Simon’s hands feel that much heavier. He had always hated collecting souls from hospitals, though then again he did hate almost every other minute of his job as well. If you could call it a job, after all, it wasn’t like he was getting payed.

Ragnor stopped suddenly and Simon had to backtrack a little so they were standing side by side again, Ragnor studying the map of the hospital that stood on the wall. Simon stepped a little closer and leaned forward, the white wall behind the map a little yellow and Simon pointed at the room where their patient was.

“There”, he said for good measure and Ragnor nodded. And so the two of them went on their way again, dodging all the nurses and doctors, Simon peering into almost every room they passed. He wasn’t sure why he did it, but he supposed he was trying to send them energy or something, praying that he would never have to walk into their rooms.

“It’s just through here”, Ragnor said then and led the way into another identical hallway with tile floors and white walls and blue curtains. Simon hated it there and he sighed as he followed his mentor. He had no idea how Ragnor had survived nearly 800 years of this madness, this torture.

“Mommy, is daddy in heaven?”

Simon stopped in his tracks, only then noticing the small girl with pigtails and a large yellow coat, hanging onto her mother. They were standing just outside the room, and it was silent there, only the mother’s irregular sobs providing a soundtrack. The child was looking up at her, fistfuls of her dress in her small hands and she was tugging at her hem quite roughly, but she took no notice. Her hand was covering her mouth as she looked into the room where the doctors were just standing around the bed, and she whimpered as they pulled the sheet over the man’s head.

“Mommy?”

Simon was frozen there, unable to do much else but stare at the two of them before Ragnor came and slapped him on the head.

“Don’t lose focus”, he said and stepped into the room. Simon glanced at the little girl who stood there, her yellow coat a little dirty from what looked like ice cream.

“Focus of what? Killing people?”, he said with a raised tone and Ragnor looked around as if he was worried that someone might hear them. Of course, no one did.

“These people are already dead, Simon. We just collect them”

Simon barged forward and grabbed the list from Ragnor, searching through it vigorously before finding the name he was looking for.

“He was 23 years old!”

Ragnor tilted his head and looked at him sadly, with pity in his eyes. “People die at nine and ten, too”

Simon shook his head, but said nothing as Ragnor stepped closer to him, putting his hand on his shoulder.

“You have to listen to your head”, he said, “third rule of being a grim reaper: emotions cloud judgement”

“I thought emotions served a purpose”, he muttered, avoiding Ragnor’s eyes.

“Loyalty, decency, compassion, love”, Ragnor continued, “all that’s for humans”

“Aren’t we humans, too?”, Simon interrupted him. His eyes posing a challenge as he looked into his mentor’s eyes.

“We are grim reapers. Never forget that, Simon. This half-life is a punishment, but you are still lucky to have it, because believe me when I say that the alternative is much worse”

“That still doesn’t make this right”

Ragnor sighed and let his hand drop back to his side.

“No, it doesn’t”

-

Alec stopped by the flower shop, his eyes gazing over the various colours and shapes, all of them so vibrant and somehow calming as well, not at all clashing together. He considered whether or not he should get Magnus some flowers, maybe pretty carnations or sunflowers, but just then it occured to Alec that he had absolutely no idea whether Magnus even liked flowers or not. He didn’t have all that many plants, but Alec knew that was more because he usually moved around a lot and didn’t have time to tend to flowers than whether or not he liked them. He eventually decided against it, and carried on his way, the wind getting rougher as he walked and he pulled his coat tighter around him and hoped for warmer weather. Winter was still far away, and Alec missed the summer.

He usually preferred winter, for its unforgiving nature and blunt roughness had always ringed perfectly together with his soul, its calmness somehow predictable. But ever since he had met Magnus, he had found himself somehow drawn to summer. It’s gentle touch more forgiving, its rains softer than the snows of winter. Alec had thought that people like him belonged to winter, but meeting Magnus had been the beginning of something, something Alec felt that even after all these years he was just starting to grasp. He couldn’t yet understand what it was he held in his hands but his soul did. His soul had been here before, after all.

Summer felt like a promise. No matter the winter, you will be here again. You will find him again.

Alec smiled then, and shoved his hands into his pockets just as his phone ringed. He pulled it out, his fingers red from the cold and he felt his heart leap in his chest as he saw who called. He shook his head a little at himself, too, what business did his heart have leaping like that?

“I’m on my way, Magnus”

 _“Wow, your greetings have really gone downhill”,_ Magnus said through the phone, sarcasm evident in his tone, _“no ‘hello, my love’? Or ‘oh, how I missed you, my angel’?”_

Alec laughed.

_“But please do hurry, the food is getting cold”_

“I’ll try my best, I’ll probably take the subway”, Alec said and turned the corner.

_“Oh, I almost forgot; did you win your lawsuit? I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you, but Cat needed some help moving furniture”_

Alec stumbled a bit just then and hit himself in the knee with his suitcase. He cursed silently and almost forgot to answer Magnus. “Yes, I did win. I wouldn’t be surprised if I got the promotion”

_“I am so proud of you, Alexander. We should definitely celebrate this”_

Alec chuckled. “Isn’t that what we’re already doing with this dinner?”

_“This is just a regular dinner, I had something else in mind for celebrating”_

Alec could almost hear the devilish grin in his voice and he rolled his eyes affectionately, but couldn’t stop smiling for the next two blocks as he thought of what Magnus meant. He definitely didn’t mind all the long nights and endless days he had had to work in order to win this case, barely seeing Magnus, but it did feel worth it. With Magnus by his side, he supposed there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do.

-

A car drove by rather quickly and pulled Ragnor out of his thoughts and he stepped a little further away from the road. After all, given the length of the list he had for today, it was going to be a big accident and Ragnor preferred to watch it unfold from a distance. He looked at Simon from the corner of his eye, wondering if he had what it took to be here today. He had no idea how someone like Simon had ended up as a grim reaper in the first place, but he certainly wasn’t made for the job - he hated collecting souls and often even refused to do it if the death in question didn’t please him. Perhaps Ragnor had made it too easy for him, giving him only the older souls to collect so now when he needed to handle someone much younger, he couldn’t.

Ragnor shook his head and glanced at his clock. They were a bit early.

He turned to look as Simon elbowed him, and saw that many other reapers were gathering there as well. Many whom Ragnor hadn’t seen in decades, including Camille Belcourt who was just then making her way towards the two of them, her hips swinging with each step and her long black hair cascading down her shoulders like waves of water.

“Hello, my dear”, she said as she reached them, her arms crossed across her chest and a long list of names hanging from her hand. She eyed Simon almost condescendingly before shifting her attention to Ragnor, who wasn’t all that happy to see her. Yet she was all smiles, though not the honest kind.

“What are you doing here? This isn’t your jurisdiction”

“There’s a big accident coming”, she replied and turned to face the road both Ragnor and Simon were already looking at, expecting something, “I was told you’d need help”

Ragnor sighed deep and shared a look with Simon. Neither of them were really fond of her.

“So, how long has it been? 200, 300 years?”, she asked, not turning to look at Ragnor as she spoke.

Ragnor glanced at her quickly, but turned away and clasped his hands in front of him. “150 years”

“I’ve missed you, you know”

He rolled his eyes subtly. “Can’t really say the same”

“Don’t be so mean, Ragnor”, she said in a teasing voice, not phased at all.

“Why are you still even here? How many people did you kill to be a grim reaper for over 1 000 years?”

She squinted her eyes at him, turning her entire body to face him. “You’re one to talk; aren’t you closer to 800 now?”

Ragnor didn’t respond. It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, it seemed. He could feel Simon looking at him, at the two of them, but he didn’t spare him a moment of his attention.

More and more reapers kept gathering, all of them holding equally long lists in their hands, and Ragnor thought that if anyone could see them, it would’ve been some sight indeed; all of them standing there, side by side and dressed in black coats and brimmed hats. He looked at all of them, seeing even some familiar faces before turning his attention back to the road. He wasn’t really in the mood for having small talk with any of his colleagues. It wasn’t like they were friends, well, except for-

“Hello”, a familiar voice said as if thinking of him had somehow summoned him here. Ragnor huffed and turned to see Raphael standing there, his collar turned up against the wind and he stood tall, and if Ragnor didn’t know any better, he’d say he was the oldest and most powerful of them all.

“How are you doing?”

Raphael glanced at him before answering, and shifted his weight from one foot to another.

“Never better”

They never talked much, but Ragnor had to admit; he kind of liked that about their friendship, for it wasn’t really friendship at all. He hardly knew the man, and odd as it was, he was closer to Magnus than to Ragnor. He supposed Magnus had always liked the company of others like him, even if they were only barely like him.

“How’s Magnus?”, Raphael asked, looking straight ahead at the passing cars.

Ragnor glanced at him briefly, but before he could answer Camille turned to face the two of them.

“You mean he’s still alive? How has no one taken care of this?”, she demanded, her brows furrowing deeply and as Ragnor looked at her, he decided that it didn’t suit her at all.

“You know how much the Clave hates these kinds of mistakes”

“The Clave has the collective intelligence of a pineapple”, Raphael chimed in, still not turning to look at them, as if they weren’t really worth his attention.

“The law is hard, but it is the law”, Camille said with pride in her eyes and Ragnor could see Simon squinting his eyes at him as if he couldn’t believe she was proud to be a grim reaper.

“Yes, well…”, Ragnor muttered and cleared his throat, shifting his feet and leaning forward a bit so he might look past the other reapers and see if there were any cars in sight yet. Of course there were cars, but it was just that one in particular that Ragnor was looking for, that they were all looking for. The car that was going to start the chain reaction. That car.

Camille rolled her eyes at him, and glanced at the list in her hands at the loss of anything better to do.

“He’s doing much better”, Ragnor answered then as he straightened his back and craned his neck a bit, it had been aching all morning.

“Good”

Ragnor looked at Raphael, his face expressionless as usual and his arms crossed across his chest as he tapped his foot impatiently. He always managed to seem to calm, so unbothered by everything and Ragnor wondered how he managed. He knew Raphael was young, little under 100 years if he remembered correctly, and yet he managed to look mightier than anyone there. He clenched his jaw just then, and Ragnor turned to look at the list in his hands, at the times beside the various names. It wouldn’t be much longer now.

“Uh, Ragnor?”, Simon said with a small voice, tapping Ragnor on his shoulder like a child asking permission to leave the dinner table. Ragnor turned to look at him with raised eyebrows.

“What is it?”

Simon hesitated for a moment before showing Ragnor the list in his hands. It was considerably smaller than his, but that wasn’t what Simon was showing him. His fingers tapped on a empty spot in the middle of the list, his eyebrows raising in a silent question. Ragnor sighed.

“Untimely death”, he said simply and Simon nodded as if he understood what it meant, but Ragnor knew he didn’t.

“It’s a person who is dying before their time”, he explained, but Simon only looked more confused than before.

“How can that be? Aren’t all deaths very calculated and almost set in stone from the moment a person is born?”

“Untimely deaths are very rare. It’s a complicated system, but the gist of it is that either something very drastic happens that changes the course of their life, like a butterfly effect, or in most cases they sacrifice themselves”

Simon furrowed his brows. “Wouldn’t all that be calculated though?”

“They are something no one can foresee. Sacrifice, for example, is wholly a human’s decision, something that often happens in the spur of a moment and thus something not even the Clave can calculate. And sometimes there can be a supernatural force, like us, that cause an untimely death which is why we aren’t allowed to be around humans for long periods of time”

“Okay, so why is there just a blank spot here? Does the Clave know something is going to happen?”

“There is a blank spot when the person in question still has time to change their mind. The name appears when they are going to die”

-

Alec rushed forward, glancing at his clock and balancing his phone between his ear and shoulder. His attention was completely elsewhere as he turned another corner, bumping elbows with someone as he hurried to catch the next train.

“Oh, sorry!”, he called out in passing, but the man kept looking at him strangely despite his apology and Alec shot him a weird look over his shoulder, but turned his attention quickly back to Magnus.

 _“What was that?”_ , Magnus asked and Alec could hear him pouring a drink through the phone.

“Uh, nothing”, Alec said and glanced quickly at the man, “try not to drink all the wine before I get there”, he joked and Magnus scoffed.

 _“You know I don’t drink wine, it’s for weaklings”,_ he said and Alec could almost see him rolling his eyes, _“I’m drinking scotch and something else, I didn’t look at the small text all that much”_

“It’s two in the afternoon, Magnus we’ve talked about this!”, Alec laughed, he couldn’t believe Magnus sometimes.

_“Oh shush, I’m almost 1 000 years old and I will drink what I please”_

“Clearly”, Alec muttered and he knew Magnus was rolling his eyes.

_“Mind your sarcasm, dear, or you won’t get any dessert”_

Alec laughed and almost dropped his phone. “Mmmh”, was all he managed to say in between his laughs as he made his way toward the subway station. He could hear Magnus saying something else, too, but just then Alec’s attention was elsewhere as he felt someone grab his shoulder.

“Take the bus”

Alec turned around to see the old man he had bumped into earlier standing behind him, and he shuddered as he looked into his eyes.

“Excuse me?”

The man looked away, leaning on his walking stick before looking at Alec again. “There’s some problem with the trains, you’ll need to take the bus”

Alec nodded slowly, and heard Magnus say something but he couldn’t focus. “Uh, thank you”, he muttered, a little suspicious as he turned away.

 _“What problems? Alec are you sure you shouldn’t just walk or-”,_ Magnus started before Alec interrupted him.

“Magnus it’s been almost a year since I got back my memories; I’m not going to die so just let me take the bus”

_“Fine, but from now on I’m walking you home”_

Alec rolled his eyes and shifted his phone from one ear to another. He looked at the schedule that stood beside the bus stop and searched for the next one that would get him where he wanted to go. He sighed as he noticed he would have to wait at least half an hour and even then he’d need to walk almost a block to get to the loft. _This is why I never take the bus,_ he thought to himself.

-

Ragnor looked at the two lists in his hands, waiting for the missing name to appear. _They sure are taking their time,_ Ragnor thought and groaned in annoyment, _they’ll avoid the accident all together if they wait long enough._ He glanced at the clock on his wrist, it would be only a few minutes before it would all begin. He gave Simon his own list as he held onto the one with the untimely soul.

“An untimely one?”, Raphael asked as he peered at the list in Ragnor’s hands, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

“I hate when this happens, it causes so much paperwork”

Raphael nodded in agreement and clasped his hands in front of him, his whole demeanor calm and collected and Ragnor sometimes wondered how he managed it. Of course Raphael was much younger than he was, only 80 years old if Ragnor’s memory served him right. There was a difference between 80 and 800 after all, and it became clear if one looked between Raphael’s calmness and Ragnor’s impatience.

“Soon it’ll be a missing soul if they don’t hurry up and decide”, Ragnor said, once again glancing at his clock. Raphael turned to look at him.

“That almost never happens, I wouldn’t worry”

Ragnor huffed. “Untimely deaths aren’t supposed to happen either, yet here we are”

“I wonder what that’s like”, Raphael thought out loud and Ragnor furrowed his brows at him.

“Deciding between life or death without even knowing it”

-

“I don’t think I even have enough cash for a cab”, Alec said as he went through his pockets, balancing his phone between his head and his shoulder. He could almost hear Magnus rolling his eyes.

_“I’ll meet you at the door and pay, you shouldn’t have to wait for some bus after the day you’ve had”_

Then it was Alec’s turn to roll his eyes. “And this has nothing to do with the fact that you’re still convinced I’ll somehow die?”

Magnus was silent at that, and Alec cursed himself for even bringing it up.

 _“It was a car accident last time, too”,_ was all he said.

“So what makes you think a cab is any safer?”

_“I told you to walk, didn’t I?”_

Alec shook his head then and gave up his search for cash. He would take the bus and Magnus would have to deal with it. After all, Alec was sure he wouldn’t just die like that. It didn’t seem that likely.

As if on cue, the bus rolled around the corner and stopped, causing Alec to sigh as he saw how full it was. He rushed towards the doors as they slid open, and stepped inside, giving one last look at the man with the cane who was still standing there. Then he shrugged and turned to find an empty seat.

-

Ragnor leaned forward then, trying to see if the bus was on its way yet. He frowned and looked at the cars instead, as they were lining up, all ready for the accident. There were ten cars that would crash because a bike was going to fall down in front of the car that would start the reaction. Ragnor had already seen how it was going to play out, and he counted the cars as they came.

_One, two, three…_

He could see flashes of the accident as his eyes scanned the busy streets. The red car, three passengers, would swerve left as the bike fell down, hitting the green car with only one passenger. Two more cars, 10 passengers in total, would swerve to avoid that one and so a chain reaction was ready.

_Four, five, six…_

He looked at his clock and he could see other reapers moving in closer as well.

_Seven, eight, nine…_

They were only missing one now, the one that would start it all. Ragnor raised his chin and looked for the truck with the faulty brakes that was going to crash into the bus and cause the explosion, finishing it all. It was going to be one hell of a day, almost literally. Ragnor glanced at his list then, looking at the times displayed beside the names, and he almost didn’t see the one that hadn’t been there before.

_Ten._

“Simon, go get Magnus”

“What? Ragnor what’s-”

“Go”

His breath hitched, and he tore his eyes away from the list just in time to see the bike crash against the road and the first cars swerving to avoid it. He took a deep breath and looked at the name again, as if to make sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him.

 _Alexander Gideon Lightwood_.

He almost didn’t believe it. It couldn’t be happening, not again.

-

_“Alec, are you there?”_

“Huh?”, Alec said as he snapped out of his thoughts, his eyes glued to the road. He shook his head a little, and smiled at Magnus’ worried tone.

_“It’s a dangerous world, Alec. You need to pay attention”_

“Oh, I was just thinking about my handsome boyfriend”

“ _Then please proceed, I wouldn’t want to keep you from your fantasies”,_ he could almost hear the grin in Magnus’ voice.

Alec smiled and looked ahead, there was a lot of traffic at the intersection and the bus was moving slowly.

“What’s that song?”, he asked offhandedly, it had been playing for some time now and it felt familiar to Alec, somehow.

 _“Satie, I think. Gymnopédie”_ , Magnus said, a little hesitant, “ _do you like it? Satie was always my favorite”_

“Yeah, I do”, he admitted, “play it for me when I get there, okay?”

_“Aren’t you demanding today. This lawyer side of you is giving me all sorts of ideas”_

Alec laughed and turned his head to look out of the window. The bus had halted, Alec could tell something was up by the manner everyone around him kept peering out of their windows and talking in hushed tones. He heard something of an accident, and made a mental note to not tell Magnus about it. Alec knew he was just worried, and he had every right to be considering what happened a decade ago and the nine years that followed, but Alec felt perfectly safe. He was sure nothing was going to happen.

And he didn’t see it at first. He was just gazing outside and looking at his clock, wondering if they were going to stay here awhile. Maybe he should’ve just walked. And he was looking out of the window, but it took him some time to notice the truck. Or actually the fact that no one was driving it. And after he had seen it, he couldn’t tear his eyes away, and only with effort he was able to look at the people seated around him, how none of them seemed to notice the truck that was loudly driving towards them, clanking and cluttering down the street.

_“Alec, are you there? Hello?”_

Alec turned his head slowly, his voice quiet and small, and looked out of the window beside him once more. The sun shined right into his eyes, and he raised his hand to use as a shade, the phone still loose in his grip.

“That truck…”

The entire bus was quiet, not a single person breathing as the truck came crashing onto them, the tires screeching and the horns of the cars around them loud. But the bus was quiet. It was so quiet and Alec dropped the phone in his hand, and blinked twice. There was no time for panic, for fear, for sadness or regret. What happened, happened. And Alec felt peaceful as it did, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the numbness, the last few moments of it.

And time stopped then, or so Alec felt. The time between then and the hit felt endless, and Alec thought that he ought to be afraid, terrified, but there was only peace in his mind. He was not sad, for he had gotten enough. And what would come next, he embraced.

_“Don't be so mean, you couldn't live without me!”, Alec yelled through his laughter, the ocean roaring in agreement. Magnus smiled and his smile was like the sun._

_“You’re right. I couldn’t”_

_Alec ran to him then, crashing his lips against Magnus’, but could barely do anything with his wide smile. And he ran away, the waves hitting his feet as he ran beside the water, the sun behind him. He was running backwards, his eyes glued to his lover sitting on the beach, and he could see that he was smiling, laughing even._

_Alec had always loved to make him smile._

He could see the sky from where he was lying, his body aching with pain all over, but it all felt distant, muffled. The sun was hiding behind some clouds, and they were so white it made Alec’s eyes hurt. The wind was still there, too, stubbornly blowing and Alec could hear it howling and whining as it blew through the wreckage. Maybe winds could get sad, too.

_They were laying together, their home a sanctuary away from prying eyes and Magnus tucked a strand of hair behind Alec’s ear. They had been silent for days now, neither sure what to say as the war loomed ahead of them, even though they had promised to stay away from it. But it seemed they couldn’t._

_Magnus’ eyes flickered down, and he let his hand find Alec’s._

_“I want to spend the rest of my life with you”_

_Alec pressed his forehead against Magnus’, his embrace the only real thing in his life that had been riddled with war and death, and only his touch and his eyes could drive all that away. He kissed his nose and pulled him closer._

_“That’s a long time”_

_Magnus looked into his eyes then. “I’m sure I could find a way, I know some grim reapers and they could maybe-”_

_But Alec shook his head. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too. And that’s something that we can do”_

_Magnus said nothing more then, his fingers combing Alec’s gray and black hair, his green eyes almost glowing in the dark. Alec leaned closer and captured his lips in a kiss, and he smiled._

_“We could go away somewhere, somewhere far away where there isn’t any war and we could live in peace”, he said with a little bit of laughter in his voice._

_“I don’t think such a place exists”_

_Magnus raised his hand and let his fingers trail over Alec’s cheek._

_“We’ll stay here then, forever”, he suggested and Magnus looked at him curiously._

_“That’s a long time”, Magnus repeated his words back to him like a sarcastic parrot, and Alec laughed. And when he laughed, Magnus did too._

_“It won’t be, not with you”, he said then and felt his cheeks go red as Magnus pressed soft kisses on his forehead, “I don’t think I would mind being immortal if I could be with you”_

He could hear it better now, the screaming and the yelling and the wailing, but it was getting harder to see. It was darker, which was odd to Alec since it had been noon. Or had it been evening? Everything was becoming more hazy, and Alec’s eyelids were already so heavy. He felt sleepy.

_“Do you need a ride?”, Alec yelled, but the roaring of his engine was too loud and the man blinked at him, squinting his eyes in the brightness of his headlights. He was beautiful, perhaps even the most beautiful person Alec had ever laid eyes on, and he felt blessed to merely be in his presence. He was curious about him, about his dark eyes and even darker hair and he could feel his heart fluttering as the man gave him a grin._

_“Didn’t your parents teach you about talking to strangers?”, the man hollered back at him, and Alec turned off his bike, leaning the whole weight of it on his leg. He laughed, and he could tell the other man was intrigued. Good._

He let his head fall back and he couldn’t see the sky anymore. He couldn’t really see anything. He could swear though, that he heard someone screaming his name, but he was sure it was just in his head. He blinked, his eyes watery, and blinked again.

_“Good night”, Magnus whispered, “I love you”_

“I love you, too”

-

_“Alec! Where are you?”_

_“Alexander!”_

_“Alec-?”_

-

Alec looked at the chaos around him, of the smoke that enveloped the scene unfolding in front of him. People running and falling apart, and they were somehow too fast and too slow, both at once, though the screams and the shouting were muffled, as if he was underwater, as if he wasn’t really there at all.

It took him a moment, he felt so very confused then, so out of sorts. He had been there, and now he was here. He looked around, feeling very distant as people kept coming and going, running here and there and he could hear sirens then, as well. He was numb, all of his pain suddenly gone and he raised his arms to check for wounds, but there wasn’t even a single drop of blood on him. For a single moment he thought he had gotten out, somehow, but he knew it wasn’t true. He knew it for certain, because he didn’t really feel right. He didn’t really feel alive, he supposed.

The bus was a wreck, lying on its side with smoke coming out of it and cars were scattered around it in all directions, some of them only wrecks as well. There were at least three ambulances on the scene, paramedics attending to people everywhere, and Alec could hear at least two more coming. He turned away before he could see the bodies. He shook his head; there was nothing but ruins around him, yet somehow he couldn’t feel sadness.

_“I hope you understand, when I am dead, I got as much as possible”_

He smiled as the line from his favorite poem popped up in his head and he knew it applied to him as well. He wasn’t sad, for he had gotten enough. The thought of it made him feel reassured, as if it was all going to be alright. He took a deep breath, more out of habit than anything else, and clasped his hands behind his back. He knew he was waiting for something, for someone to collect him and so he simply stayed there, at the side of the road, and looked up at the sky.

It was a beautiful day.

And as he thought about it, it truly had been a perfect day. He had woken up in Magnus’ arms, he had made the most perfect french toast and he had eaten it together with him. He had won his big lawsuit, and had seen his best friend on his way here. And the last person he had talked to, was Magnus.

All those little perfections had led him here.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, aged 36”

He turned with silent tears in his eyes, the voice clear and familiar, and he smiled brokenly at Ragnor, whose hands were shaking as he held the list that had his name in it.

“I’m sorry”, was all he could manage to say then, but Ragnor only shook his head.

“Cause of death-”, he began, his voice breaking off before he could continue. And he took a deep breath, and another, fighting off tears as he glanced at the list again.

“Excessive blood loss, internal damage and trauma to the head”

Alec chuckled. “That sounds worse than it felt”

Ragnor looked away, his breathing heavy and Alec put his hand on his shoulder.

“I am sorry”

“Don’t be”

Alec didn’t know what else there was for him to say, so he only followed silently as Ragnor started to lead the way.

-

“So this is where you work”, Alec said as he looked around, his head turning from side to side as he took everything in, the room warm and welcoming somehow, and he smiled as he turned back to face Ragnor.

“It’s really nice, though not really what I had expected”

“What did you expect then? A dungeon or a boat ready to carry you into afterlife?”

Alec shrugged. “I don’t know, really. I didn’t spend all that much time thinking about this”

Ragnor huffed, but didn’t say anything. Perhaps there wasn’t really all that much to say, so they simply stayed like that as the silence settled, neither of them looking at the other.

“You deserved more time”, Ragnor said finally, breaking the fragile silence, and Alec looked around the room once more before answering.

“People die at nine and ten, too”, Alec said with a chuckle, and earned a surprised look from Ragnor.

“Magnus told you that”

Alec nodded. Silence settled into the tea shop at the mention of his name.

“Does he know?”, Alec dared then, his gaze lowering to his lap, his hands fidgeting.

Ragnor paused. “I sent Simon to get him but I think he already knew”

Alec nodded again.

“So, can I ask you something?”

Ragnor looked into his eyes and nodded slightly. Alec glanced at his hands, clasped on his lap, and then back at Ragnor. “You said that this was my fourth lifetime, how many do I have left?”

Ragnor hesitated before answering. “You already had one too many”

Surprise flashed in Alec’s eyes, and he looked away. His hands were fidgeting, and his leg bounced up and down restlessly. He couldn’t believe it; he had already lived too long. It seemed hard to believe, maybe because Alec didn’t remember his past lives, and it didn’t feel like enough. He knew that he had died young in his past lives as well, that much Magnus had told him, and he felt guilty then, for leaving him so soon this time as well.

_“I thought I had been too greedy, for wanting to grow old with you and hold your wrinkled hands in mine”_

Alec closed his eyes as he remembered their late night conversation, and shook his head. His peacefulness and calmness seemed to be gone then, replaced by his usual stubborn and overthinking mind. _This can’t be it,_ he thought to himself, _there has to be more._

“Don’t worry, your life has been peculiar enough to make me believe that you will have some more lifetimes”, Ragnor said suddenly, and Alec snapped out of his mind and back to the present.

“You can read thoughts?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes, when they’re loud enough”

“I didn’t meant to be loud”

Ragnor huffed a laugh, but said nothing. Alec took a deep breath, and found comfort in Ragnor’s words. His life had indeed been peculiar, maybe his other ones too, and he would come back and it would be just as he had said to Magnus: he would keep coming back to him, tirelessly, no matter the time or distance. Magnus would be here, and Alec would find him when he would come back. He would beg the heavens to let him do just that, if nothing else.

Alec nodded to himself, determined, and his peacefulness returned.

“Look after him”, he said suddenly, surprising even himself by speaking, “and keep him company until I’m back”

“I promise”, Ragnor said nevertheless his initial surprise, and Alec was glad that he was here. He was glad that he had been led here by someone he knew, someone who was perhaps even a friend to him, and that he let him wait. That’s what they were doing, after all, since neither of them had any other business here. So they sat there and waited for him to arrive, and Alec was glad that he was allowed to have that, allowed to have a real goodbye.

And he thought of his sister then, and Maia, who had been his best friend in this life. He was sad, heartbroken, to leave them behind, and that he couldn’t really say goodbye to them, but there was hope in his heart that he might see them again, as well. But he only wanted to see them after a long time had passed, so that the two of them might lead good lives and grow old together. And then they would surely meet again and they could tell Alec everything he had missed.

Alec smiled and looked down, his hands calm for once, and he felt content. And just then, as if on cue, the door opened, crashing against the wall and Alec stood up in haste.

“No...”

He saw Magnus standing there, his black hair all wind ruffled and his face red from running. His eyes were wide with panic, now filling with tears as he looked at Alec, who offered him a weak smile. The knowledge rushed up to Magnus, choking off his breath, and he shook his head.

“No”

Alec made his way to him, slowly, as not to upset him any more. Magnus raised his hand to cover his mouth and took a step backwards, as if embracing Alec, realizing that he was indeed here, would turn it all into reality. As if there was still a chance he could escape the scene unfolding in front of him. As if it was somehow just a dream, something terrible he could still leave behind, as if he only needed to look for an escape route. He shook his head again, his breathing ragged and coming out unevenly in small rushes as Alec wrapped his arms around him.

“How- how can you do this to me?”, he whispered, his hands only then dropping to his sides, his whole body falling limp against Alec.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t do this, don’t go like this”, Magnus begged, barely breathing in-between words, his mind still not fully understanding the situation.

“I’m really sorry”

Alec wrapped his hand into Magnus’ hair, playing with it a little, twirling it around his fingers, his other hand running up and down his back soothingly. There was a smile on his lips as Magnus clinged to his jacket, muttering his name, over and over until it was only a sound. Until it held no meaning anymore.

“Please don’t be too sad when I’m gone”, Alec said, pulling away so he might see Magnus’ face, “I will come back, and I promise next time I will stay by your side for a long time”

It truly seemed like time was the monster at the end of their book, now once more as Alec was leaving Magnus, perhaps forever. There was no way of knowing if he would ever come back, or if this was it. No way of knowing - Magnus only needed to wait to see. 50, 100, 500 or even 5 000 years could pass before he would be back here. _If,_ Magnus reminded himself, _if he comes back._

“I’ll find you”, Alec whispered, his eyes fluttering close, his fingers playing with the hem of Magnus’ jacket.

“And you’ll return to me”, Magnus continued, their little poem something he already knew by heart, “as devotedly as the sea returns to the shore”

Alec pulled away then, his hands falling softly against his sides.

“I think I have to go now”

Magnus shook his head, silent tears falling down his cheeks.

“But don’t worry; I’ll be back soon”, Alec said, stepping in closer once more, resting his forehead against Magnus’, his hands cupping his face, “I will run there, and I will run back”

Magnus looked past him, his eyes finding Ragnor, who was already looking at him. He shook his head, and Magnus closed his eyes.

“Even- even if it takes 500 or 700 years; I will wait for you”, Magnus told Alec, and opened his eyes to look into his. He wanted to remember their colour, the warm brown that could be so kind yet so ruthless, something warm on a cold day, something to drown in, or something to be feared. Just as Alexander himself.

And Magnus did the math of it in his head. First it had taken almost 700 years, then only 200 and after that barely 70. Maybe it would be only a blink of an eye before Alexander would be in his arms again. Magnus closed his eyes, fighting off the tears, his salted cheeks already hurting.

Alec smiled and let go then, walking past him slowly and his eyes already far away. Magnus counted every step as he walked, his heart hanging in the air between them, ready to be ripped apart and he thought of whether it had been like this the other three times before.

The distance between them felt like a million oceans, and the time it took Alec to cross it felt longer than the 1 000 years Magnus had lived so far. Yet it was over far too soon, and Alec’s hand gripped the door handle, pushing it open. Then he halted, and he looked back, and Magnus loved him for it, because it was so human.

-

   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters to go! Please remember that I love hearing your thoughts and I love reading your comments no matter how big or small or if it's just screaming in all caps :D


	11. Chapter 11

**45 years later**

The stone was cold under his touch and its surface rough against his more gentle fingers. He ran his hand along it, softly, barely even there. Shivers ran through him as he gripped it and he closed his eyes and breathed deep. He looked over his shoulder and saw Ragnor there, sitting on the bench reading a newspaper, turning the pages leisurely, his hat beside him. Magnus turned back and took another deep breath, and then another. It was much harder than he had imagined it would be. 

He raised his head towards the sky, the winds making the little sunshine that still remained feel like nothing. It was cold, and Magnus regretted putting on his lighter coat. Maybe even a scarf would’ve been a good idea. He sighed and kneeled beside the stone, focusing on it. It was why he was here, after all. He pressed his hand against it, and let his fingers find the letters that were engraved there. 

_ A L E X A N D E R  L I G H T W O O D _ , it read. And below it something about how loved he had been and how he had died too soon, but Magnus couldn’t even look at all that, it was simply too much for him to bear. He rested his hand against the stone, trying perhaps to see Alec there, to feel him there, and he touched each letter individually, trying to grasp how his Alexander was gone, that he was actually gone and it wasn’t all just a bad dream. Yet it didn’t feel real, not even after almost half a century.

It was still summer, but Magnus couldn’t feel the sun anymore, and just then he felt as though the stone under his fingers was pulling every last bit of remaining warmth out of him. Magnus had never felt so cold, or so alone. He had not remembered how lonely the world was until he had let go of Alec’s hand. 

He had felt guilty, too, when he had left. At first, at least. How long had he stayed here afterwards? Magnus wasn’t sure suddenly. Had it been five months of five years? He knew he hadn’t been here for long, only coming back for Dot and some years later for Catarina. That he could remember, but not the years or for how long. It was all becoming hazier and blurrier in his mind, all the details fading away and whatever remained just… mixed together until it made no sense anymore. 

Magnus couldn’t really say that he was surprised, but it had happened much sooner than he had thought it would. And he felt guilty about forgetting, too. 

And now that he was here, he wasn’t sure what he should say. He felt that there was something he needed to say, but it was hard to find the words. After all, he had already forgotten most of everything. He had already woken up, and had not remembered his name and it had been a happy day. The pain faded away with the memories, yet Magnus was glad that Ragnor had brought him here and reminded him. He was both happy and sad and he never once felt conflicted about it. And he still needed to say so many things and he hoped Alec would hear him. 

He took a deep breath, inhaling and his eyes fluttered shut, then exhaling, but it didn’t do much.

“I’m sorry I’m late”, he began, his voice quiet and soft and vulnerable, “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you before, but I’m sure you’d understand why that was hard for me to do”

He glanced back at Ragnor and stood up, leaning a bit against the headstone before turning back. 

“I wish there would be a wind here, or something to not make me feel so alone. I don’t really need the wind, though, I need you. I only want to go where you are, but I have no idea where that is. So I suppose the wind is all I have”

And just then a soft breeze blew past him, whispering quietly out of respect. And sadness, too. Magnus smiled, and it was almost as if Alec was there with him, and if he closed his eyes he could almost see it, too. His beautiful black hair and brown eyes, eyelashes so long they would cast shadows against his sharp cheekbones. He could almost feel his shoulder brushing against his, and his slender fingers sliding so seamlessly into his hand. It was some things that Magnus could remember so easily, and other things that he had forgotten almost instantly. And now he wasn’t even really sure what he had forgotten and what was true and what only existed in his imagination. 

“I keep talking to the winds about you. The winds and the moon. I keep thinking that they might carry my words to you, tell you of my love and how dearly I miss you”

He could hear the birds as they flew above him, their wings flapping against the wind, and he let his head fall back and his eyes fall shut, and took a blissful breath. The words were hard to say, but Magnus knew he couldn’t keep them inside of him any longer, tearing down his throat and choking off his breath. He couldn’t keep living with all of these words inside of him, and most of all he couldn’t forget them. Maybe Ragnor knew that, too. Maybe that was why he had called him back here, after all these years.

“And maybe the winds might play with your hair for a little while, too, like I used to”, Magnus continued with a small laugh, his smile wavering as he thought of how it had felt to touch him and be touched by him and he  _ ached _ , “and tell you how I am still waiting”

He ran his fingers over the stone once again and sighed, trying his best to hold back tears.

“I don’t know if you are here yet, or what kind of person you are, but I want you to know that I love you. That you are loved”, his voice broke at the end, his tears choking off his breath and he almost crumbled and fell right there. Magnus had always thought that the universe was a ruthless thing, for it had created Magnus, a monster of some sort and it had given him Alexander, something divine and holy, only to take him away. The universe let Magnus yearn and despair and search for him, and then find him. And take him away once more. It was a vicious circle, his life.

And it seemed that everything ended and began with him.

“But we proved the universe so wrong, you and I. It kept trying to pull us apart, but even now, now that you are no longer here, it couldn’t do that, because I’m still here and you will find me. I am sure of it. Be it this life or another one, now or thousand years from now”

He let his hand return to his side, and nodded as a silent goodbye, but lingered, and stayed there for a little while longer, simply standing there. His hand longed to touch the stone, reaching out to it, but there was nothing there. He was not there.

“Please come back to me”, he pleaded then, and turned away silently before he would break down. He wiped his eyes, his sleeves staining with black ink but he didn’t even notice it, his makeup now smudged around his eyes like bruises. He made his way towards Ragnor slowly, his feet idly kicking the small rocks that laid beside the narrow pathway that curved and forked between the graves. Ragnor put down the paper he had been reading as Magnus neared him and followed him with his eyes, his other hand grabbing his black brimmed hat and placing it on his lap to make room for him.

Magnus felt so awfully empty then, as if there was only a half of him left now that he had poured out his soul into nothingness, hoping his words might reach Alexander. But the better thing was that whatever remained of him in Magnus’ memory disappeared with each step he took further and further away from his grave and he felt content as well. Empty, content and heartbroken, too. It was a strange existence, but it was nothing new to Magnus.

“I told you so”, Ragnor said as Magnus sat next to him.

“You’re off by five years there”, Magnus chuckled, his voice coming out hollow and empty. 

“I did say ‘approximately’, though”

Ragnor didn’t say much else then, and neither did Magnus, both of them only watching as the sun climbed higher and higher on the sky, and the people passing them by talked in hushed tones and gave them odd looks. Magnus glanced down at his hands, twisting the ring on his finger. There used to be many of them, often more than one snaking around a finger, but now there was just that one. Magnus knew it was from Alec, he knew by the engraving that was already etched under his skin as well, but that was all he remembered. He didn’t remember why he had given it to him or when, since none of that was mentioned in the engraving itself. Not that it mattered, either, but Magnus would’ve liked to know.

“I was happy, you know”, he said suddenly, surprising even himself and Ragnor turned to look at him silently, his eyes older and more weary than Magnus’ had ever been, “I shouldn’t have come back here”

“How do you expect him to find you if you keep hiding in that hole of yours?”

“Hole? You’re calling my apartment building a hole? Have you even seen your place and I have so believe me when I-”

“Magnus”, Ragnor said sternly and Magnus’ voice faded away.

“Look, I’m glad you reminded me of him, of what I am waiting for, but I am just not that sure if I really want to remember it all. It’s much more painful to know, and I’ve had enough of that already”

Ragnor said nothing then, so Magnus continued, pouring out more of his soul as if there was anything left.

“Besides, who says he is even going to be reborn here? Only in two out of four lifetimes he was american”

“Right, one was in England and the first one- where was the first one?”

Magnus chuckled. “You know it’s funny; I can’t remember”

Ragnor didn’t say much then, and Magnus didn’t either. They watched the people passing by them, the parents trying to keep up with their children and the young couples who only gazed at each other. And the teenagers who always walked in groups of five or six, more concerned with their phones than each other and Magnus wondered what that would be like. What a normal life would be like. He knew it was a life he had never known and never would, but once again he felt guilty for being the reason Alec might never have it. It was the same thought he had had when they had first met in this lifetime and it resurfaced now of all times, when he wasn’t even here. Magnus closed his eyes, and wondered if he should wait for him at all, or simply live his life and let him live his. But he knew it wasn’t a decision he could make for Alec, even if he might have to damn both of them if he didn’t make it. 

His certainty came and went and he took a shaky breath before speaking.

“Waiting for him is painful, but forgetting him is more painful, I think”, Magnus muttered, his hands fidgeting in his lap.  _ But not knowing is blissful happiness,  _ he thought but the words were left unsaid. He was sure Ragnor had heard them nonetheless, but said nothing. Magnus turned to look at his old friend, and decided then that it was his time to remind him of something.

“Do you remember what you promised me?”

“You mean when I said I’d curse you if you ate my last doughnut? Because I’m still convinced that you did it”

Magnus shook his head, his eyes glued to the cemetery opening in front of them. 

“No, that’s not the one. I mean our contract”

Ragnor whipped his head around to look at him, his brows furrowed and his eyes wide with surprise. He had no idea that Magnus had sunk so low that he would bring that up. Ragnor had never seen him so defeated, and he almost regretted inviting him back. Maybe he should’ve just left him in Singapore, living in his beautiful ignorance, forgetting more and more each day, but surely it would’ve been better than this, if it caused him to even think of such things.

“I think now is the time”, Magnus muttered, his eyes looking down, his back a little hunched and there was a darkness in his eyes that Ragnor had never seen before. At least not since they made their contract. 

“No, it’s not”

“Well, that’s not up to you”

Ragnor’s lips curved then, more a grimace than a smile. “That contract was a stupid idea from a much younger me, and I won’t do it”

“You’re breaking our deal?”

“I heard your little speech there; you don’t want to die, not now. Not really”

“You can’t know that”

Ragnor huffed. “I do know it, and I know you. You just want the easy way out”

Magnus said nothing then, and Ragnor sighed deep as he turned the rest of his body to face him.

“I know you’ve started to forget-”

“Started to? I started to forget 30 years ago, now I already have forgotten”, Magnus interrupted him, his voice sharp and accusing.

“Not completely”

“No. But it’s just a matter of weeks now before it’s all gone”

“Then maybe you’ll need to forget for now, maybe so. Maybe that’s how it needs to be”

“Well, I don’t think I have much choice in the matter”, he said bitterly, “sometimes I forget which century it is or what his name was. I can only barely recall what he looked like or what kind of person he was”

Magnus turned to Ragnor, holding back tears. “It breaks me, Ragnor. It tears my soul apart; feeling but not being able to remember who or why”

Ragnor didn’t say anything then. And there wasn’t really anything for him to say, it wasn’t like he could really relate to what his friend was experiencing. Ragnor had lived nearly as long as Magnus had, if you could call his half-life living that was, and he could remember every minute of it. Every soul he had helped into the afterlife, all the people he had watched die and all the pain and suffering and- 

“Sometimes I wish I could forget as easily as you do”

Magnus huffed a laugh. “‘Aren’t we a duo: the one who can’t remember and the one who can’t forget”

Ragnor reached into his pocket then and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. It had been folded and opened, read and loved and then thrown away and Ragnor handed it to Magnus silently, knowing that he would know what it was instantly. 

“I thought I threw that away”

“And I thought you might need it”

Magnus rolled his eyes, not taking the note. Ragnor sighed and put it back in his pocket.

“I need to forget. How else do you think I could survive 5 000 years of waiting?”

“I don’t think it will take that long”

“It doesn’t matter; he might never come. It’s better if I don’t remember what I am waiting for”

Neither said a word after that. At least for some time, but Ragnor could understand where Magnus was coming from. It was the same reason why he had brought up their little contract from the 1700s, some time after Alec had died for the second time. Ragnor knew it was his words Magnus could hear in his head, even after all this time.

_ “There is no sadness that lasts for eternity, Magnus”, he said and handed him the parchment, his hands perfectly still despite everything. And Magnus looked up, his eyes hopeful, his mind latching onto every word he said like a lifeline as if he was about to share a great secret. Magnus hesitated for a moment, his fresh grief clouding his mind but a small smile grazed his lips and he signed the paper quickly and hastily, his eyes still swollen and red from tears. _

_ “But there is no love that lasts for eternity, either”, Ragnor finished and took the contract back from Magnus.  _

_ “Remember that” _

“Why did you really call me here?”, Magnus sighed and looked at his friend. And just then, under the afternoon sun, he looked so old and weary, thin somehow. Magnus wondered if he looked like that as well. At least he felt that way. 

“I did have an ulterior motive”, Ragnor admitted and looked down at his hands. His back was a little hunched then, and his shoulders down. Yet he didn’t look sad or tired and Magnus wondered what other business they had here.

Ragnor reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. It wasn’t very old, but it was crumpled and creased and folded many times over and wrinkled from being carried around in Ragnor’s pocket, and Magnus didn’t need to read it to know what it was. Grim reapers didn’t get all that much mail after all.

Ragnor handed him the envelope and Magnus took it. “How long?”

Ragnor only kept looking down. “Five years at the most, the specific date is yet to be determined”

Magnus nodded. 

“So, what happens after you die?”

“I get reborn, Magnus you know this”, Ragnor said, baffled, his brows furrowing as he looked at his friend.

“No, I mean do I finally get to burn your hat?”

“Still with the hat jokes? Really Magnus, don’t you think those are getting a bit old by now?”

“Almost as old as us”, Magnus chuckled and elbowed Ragnor gently. 

Ragnor only shook his head and rolled his eyes at him, but there was a fond smile on his lips as well. They had gone through much together, and Magnus knew he was going to miss his friend, even if he never said a word of it to Ragnor. He was sure that he knew it, nonetheless.

“You’re almost 800, though”, Magnus wondered aloud, “kind of makes me wonder exactly how many people did you kill”

“Still not funny”

Magnus chuckled and leaned back, his hands clasped on his lap and an easy smile on his lips.

“I don’t care who you were in your past life, though”

“Really?”, Ragnor asked with a hopeful tone and turned to his friend.

“Of course”, Magnus said and laid his hand on Ragnor’s shoulder, “I’d hate you all the same”

Ragnor sighed excessively and rolled his eyes, but Magnus only laughed. Maybe it was a small kind of miracle that Ragnor had put up with him for this long, or Magnus with him. Magnus wasn’t sure what he’d do without him, either, for he had been his loyal companion through all of his lonely years.

Later, as they were walking down the path by the cemetery, they were much more quiet. It was beautiful there, with trees lining up on either side of the path, and the most beautiful flowers scattered in between. Magnus had his hands in his pockets and they were walking leisurely, the small path becoming larger and larger before turning into a street as the cemetery changed into a park. It was much more lively then, with more and more people passing by and Magnus loved to look at them as they did. 

It was a beautiful day and Magnus found himself smiling as they walked.

If he was completely honest, he loved such moments with his dear friend, under the warm sun, together yet off in their own worlds and barely saying a word. They were like those two young and proud immortal beings, so sure of their own powers, yet so naive, who accidentally started walking down a shared path. Magnus looked at the trees they passed, some of them older and some younger, withstanding winds and snow, eyes looking towards spring and he wondered if they were like that as well, two old trees, withered down by years and winters, standing stubbornly apart yet with shared roots. 

Magnus stopped walking then, still looking at the trees in the park, and Ragnor followed his eye to see what he was seeing. They had always been like that, so different yet always in sync with each other and Magnus thought that they hadn’t changed at all since the first time they had met. But it was a wonder on its own that they had even made it here at all. 

Theirs was an eternal life of suffering, but at least they had each other. Magnus wondered what he would do once his oldest friend was gone. After all, Ragnor was the person who knew him better than anyone, who had stuck by his side even as he forgot his own name and would calmly remind him which century it was. Ragnor didn’t know what he was but he had helped him accept himself nonetheless. And Magnus knew no matter what would become of the two of them, he would always carry Ragnor with him.

“Just call Raphael”, Ragnor said suddenly, snapping Magnus out of his thoughts and he turned to glare at him only to be met with an equal glare from Ragnor.

“I thought we talked about this”

Ragnor crossed his arms across his chest like a fussy little child. “I can’t help that your thoughts are so loud”

“Still”, Magnus muttered.

“If I let you burn my hat will you stop moping?”

“I’m not moping, I am simply nostalgic”, Magnus said, stretching the words in a pretentious manner, gesturing wildly with his hand just to annoy his friend, causing Ragnor to scoff and roll his eyes at him. 

“Besides, when you get to be my age you’ll see there isn’t much else to do”, he continued.

“I am literally dying”

“You see how quickly I forget things? It’s unreal”

Ragnor shook his head, walking faster suddenly as if trying to get rid of Magnus. 

“You know what; we should just run away and be happy together like we used to!”, Magnus hollered after him, laughing as Ragnor turned around, baffled.

“I remember everything, but I don’t remember that”

“Were you always so heartless?”

Ragnor squinted his eyes at him. “Yes”

Magnus smiled and they continued on their way, though neither was entirely sure what their destination was. They walked against the wind, and Magnus closed his eyes, letting it blow over him, cleansing him. His cheeks turned a little red, and he almost remembered someone else with red cheeks in a much colder wind, but the thought was lost as quickly as it came. His memory was, at other times, so calm and sure but at others it was so beyond his control. 

They were walking along the pathway that defined the park, and it was nice there, Magnus quite enjoyed it, his head turned up towards the sun and his hands clasped loosely behind his back. He could feel the warmth of the sun cascading down on him, and the winds were gone then, as well. Magnus had always loved summer, and this September, like always, he felt that he was so hopeful in the summer, and much less so as the winter came. Perhaps he loved to see all things so alive and hopeful, for he had learned that some things in life came but once. He was always afraid to see certain things go, and that was what winter was for him. 

Pretty flowers bloomed and withered there, and maybe Magnus was afraid that the season of Alec might never come again.

“I wish someone would just tell us ‘it’s enough, it’s enough now’”, he said suddenly, out loud and surprising even himself. Ragnor glanced at him, his silence an agreement of sorts. 

“I wish it was enough”, Magnus looked at his hands, his thoughts spilling out of his mouth uncontrollably, “I don’t think it ever will be”

“It’s all different for us”, Ragnor agreed, knowing exactly what Magnus was talking of, “our lives don’t have meaning, and we can’t ever die with fulfillment”

Magnus chuckled, his voice hollow and sad more than anything. He looked at the people ahead of them, of the woman with auburn hair and some kids running across the pathway and he thought of future. Ragnor didn’t have one, or maybe he never did, and Magnus would always have one. He wondered if he could change it, if anyone could. If he could die, he wouldn’t want to die without fulfillment, holding nothing in his hands. He wanted to live for something, maybe himself, and he wanted to be something as well, all on his own.

He shook his head to clear it and took some haste steps to catch up to Ragnor, who was walking ahead of him. He seemed to be deep in thought as well, and Magnus stayed quiet, waiting for him to speak his mind.

“Can we change our futures? I don’t know”, Ragnor contemplated, not sure if Magnus had been talking or thinking as it made no difference to him, and his eyes were looking up at the clear skies. “But if you knew how it would happen, how it would all play out… Would you change things?”

Magnus didn’t reply right away, instead he stopped to think about Ragnor’s question. Would he change things? He wasn’t sure. There were good moments and bad ones, and then some better ones again in the middle and if he was honest, he had enjoyed every second. All of the things that happened had let to other things, and if he were to change the bad things, maybe the good ones would never happen or he wouldn’t be able to appreciate them. All that had happened had shaped him to be who he was right then, all things had found their place in his life. Life was funny like that, you couldn’t really pick and choose what you wanted to have. 

“I loved all of my life”, Magnus admitted after a moment with a frail smile, Ragnor listening attentively, “because the days were good, because they weren’t and because they were just right”

Ragnor nodded along to his words, his hands clasped behind his back as they walked. 

“I’ve seen your future, Magnus”

Magnus said nothing, so Ragnor continued. “You will have good days and bad days and even though I can’t promise that what I saw will ever come true, I want you to know that you were happy”

Ragnor glanced at him, already waiting for the one thing he knew Magnus wanted to know.

“Did you see him?”

“You know I can’t tell you”, was all Ragnor could answer. Magnus wondered if Ragnor knew who he was displaying such loyalty to. If there was anyone out there, that was.

“Did I even pass him by?”, Magnus asked, and Ragnor didn’t know what it was he wanted him to say.

“Would that be any better than not meeting at all?”

“It would. Even if I won’t recognize him, I would like to know that he will be here, and that he will be happy. Passing each other by is much better than not meeting at all”

Ragnor sighed. “I did see him, however briefly. Your future is a complicated one, a never ending path of possibilities and nothing is ever set in stone. So whatever choices you make, I know it will affect him as well. Your life is somehow intertwined with his”

They resumed their quietude after that, and Magnus was glad since his mind felt heavy and clouded already. He let go of the tension that had been building on his shoulders, exhaling and let his eyes wander. Magnus looked at the woman walking in front of them, his mind not able to focus on anything else, and he looked as her hair moved with the wind, slowly and gracefully until pausing suddenly. He stopped abruptly and blinked a few times to make sure he had seen correctly. But the woman had stopped walking, and though the wind was there, her long auburn hair was unmoving, like stone. Magnus looked around quickly and noticed that everything had stopped as well: the birds and the people and everything was so quiet. 

“Are you doing this?”

“Huh? Doing what?”, Ragnor asked, annoyed that Magnus had interrupted his solitude. 

“This”, Magnus gestured vaguely at everything around them, and only then did Ragnor stop as well, and noticed what was happening.

“No”, he muttered, and glanced at his hands as if to make sure. 

Magnus stayed still and utterly quiet, as if he was expecting something to happen, an explosion or a car chase scene with a rogue grim reaper. But nothing of the sort happened, Magnus only barely dared to look around to see if something was amiss.

And there was a man there. He was old, leaning onto his wooden cane, not facing them. He was not affected by what was happening, or wasn’t happening, and simply stood there, gazing ahead as if it was a perfectly normal day. His profile was sharp, like it had been cut with a knife, made out of stone and brought to life. He took no notice of the two of them, but Magnus had a feeling that he had been waiting for them. 

Ragnor and Magnus stood far away from him, their eyes glued to him, expecting something to happen at any moment to explain what was happening and why. But the man didn’t seem to be in any hurry. 

But in an instant, it all seemed to shift. Suddenly the man changed, his appearance switching like the ripples in a pond might change the images on the water. He had been old, but now he was young, still older than either of them, and his black hair was flowy, like silk in the wind, and reached his shoulders effortlessly. He was leaning on his cane, though Magnus questioned his need for it, and it was black with silvery decorations and cravings, very intricate. But it was his eyes Magnus was drawn to: they were black like his own, but there was something else there too, and he shuddered as the man turned to fully face him.

He smiled, though his crooked grin was more of a grimace than anything else and Magnus took a haste step backwards, almost stumbling onto Ragnor, who also seemed frozen in place.

The man simply stayed there, unmoving, looking at the two of them as if he was expecting them to know who he was, or what was happening. His eyebrows curved upwards and he gazed at his feet, his polished shoes, and inhaled sharply, as if he had forgotten how it was done. 

“Well, if it isn’t Magnus Bane”

His voice was cold, devoid of any feeling or emotion, and shivers ran through Magnus at every word he spoke. Ragnor glanced at him, expecting Magnus to know who the man was, but both of them only seemed to be at a loss of words. The man looked at them, not really giving them his full attention, his other eyebrow raised and he almost looked like he was going to laugh.

“You do not know who I am? Perhaps my spell was stronger than I had thought”, he said, more to himself than either of them, casually dusting off his shoulders as if there was any dust there. He craned his neck, looking off into the distance as his deep burgundy coat flowed in the wind.

“You’re the one who cursed me?”, Magnus demanded and took a step forward, his nails digging into his palms, Ragnor holding him back by his wrist.

The man turned to face him, his both hands now on the cane. “Cursed you? That is an awfully mean choice of words”, he said, and stretched the words as he spoke, “I merely wanted to teach you a lesson”

Magnus said nothing then, but he could feel his fists tightening and his face turning red with anger. Ragnor laid a hand on his shoulder, but remained silent as well.

“You did something terrible, you see, and I needed to banish you”

“Banish me? From where?”, Magnus said, his voice unsure as his mind spun as he tried to remember, though he couldn’t find it in himself to believe a word that was coming out of this stranger’s mouth.

“From home”, he replied simply and took a step forward. And as he did that, his eyes flashed, suddenly turning into a demonic shade of yellow with a black slit in the middle. He grinned wickedly, and Magnus realized they were cat eyes.

“Magnus, he’s a demon”, Ragnor hissed, and swiftly pushed himself forward, stepping in front of his friend. The man turned to look at him then, as if he was only now noticing his presence and his eyes filled with disgust.

“And you’re a grim reaper. Some lowlife... friends do you have, Magnus”, he said, halting before saying ‘friend’ as if it physically pained him to call Ragnor that, closing his eyes and tilting his head before spitting it out of his mouth. He raised his chin high, looking down on both of them, frowning a bit. 

“Who are you?”, Magnus asked through gritted teeth, stepping forward to stand beside Ragnor, refusing to hide behind him.

The man sighed, leaning forward on his cane before speaking. “I am Asmodeus”, he said simply, but the name had no meaning to Magnus. He furrowed his brows as he searched his mind for anything that might give him a clue to who he was, but he found nothing. Asmodeus looked away, as if offended that Magnus still didn’t remember him. 

“You’ll have to excuse my bad memory, but then again, it is your fault that I can’t remember, isn’t it?”, Magnus snapped at him, but his words were left hanging in the air, devoid of any real power, as Asmodeus took no notice of his words. He simply looked at him, his eyes the color of wildfires and honey, golden and warm, but so cold and lifeless as Magnus looked into them. And as he did, he could remember being alone. He had been alone and young, very young, and Asmodeus had kneeled to meet his eye level and had looked into his innocent eyes. He could remember that he had called him ‘a brave prince’ but that he had also called him a demon, and he had called him his son. And those two nice things had made Magnus smile and follow him as he asked him to come with him. He was his father, and he was never going to abandon him. 

Magnus shuddered, stumbling backwards and almost falling down as he tried to get away from him. The truth of it wasn’t hard to understand, yet Magnus didn’t want to understand it, or accept it. That wasn’t who he wanted to be, yet he could almost hear Asmodeus’ voice in his head as he took a step closer to Magnus.

_ It’s okay, I’m just like you. _

He felt so very young as his father walked to him, but at the same time he was unspeakably aged, a centuries old creature. A demon. He raised his eyes to meet Asmodeus’, his anger rising inside of him the more he looked at him. He could feel all of it inside of him, the poisonous blood he had gotten from his father, containing a curse that would never go away, but that was still of much different than the one he had thought he had. This curse had nothing to do with memory, it had to do with death, misery and loss. This curse was an atrocity of very different kind. 

Magnus didn’t see how this encounter could end well.

“Why did you do it? To your own son?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”, Asmodeus asked, looking off once again as if attempting to build tension, “you fell in love with a human”

Before Magnus could argue anything in return, Asmodeus spoke again. “Of course it was partly my fault for letting your weakling human mother raise you, but I had thought it would give you perspective”

He raised his eyebrows, his demonic eyes looking down almost sheepishly, as if he was explaining something very mundane. “You are special, you see, the only one of your kind and as you became infatuated with that… boy, I let it happen. I thought it was a phase, an affliction, caused by your human nature. Perhaps I was curious, as well.”

“An affliction?”, Magnus growled and Asmodeus’ eyes flickered to him, and Magnus swore it was disgust he saw there, as if every emotion Magnus expressed made Asmodeus feel physically ill.

Asmodeus walked away from the two of them, looking over at the park and the people there in the same manner a king might look upon his kingdom. But Magnus knew he had no rule here, he didn’t belong here. 

“To watch you choose that human over me, over your own family, was simply too much”, he continued suddenly, ignoring Magnus’ remark. “I had to do it, to make you see what is truly important”

“You were never my family”, Magnus hissed through gritted teeth, but yet again his words were simply left hanging in the air as Asmodeus turned away from him. The silence stretched between them, Magnus’ eyes were like shooting daggers but Asmodeus took no notice of his burning stare. Then he turned, his cane echoing against the stones on the pathway, but he said nothing. It was as if he was expecting Magnus to apologize for his words.

“What do you want from me?”, Magnus asked instead, his voice low and grumbling as he was losing his patience.

Asmodeus in turn was calm and collected, as if this was something he did on a daily basis, if it was simply an errand that he had to do but couldn’t really give all of his attention to.

“There is a time we all must return to the houses of our fathers”

He stepped closer then, his other hand reaching out to grab Magnus’ shoulder. “Join me, my son. Reclaim your rightful place by my side”

“No”, Magnus’ voice bellowed, grumbling and deep anger flashed in his father’s eyes.

“And why not? There is nothing left for you here”, he said, clearly disappointed, looking Magnus deep into his eyes before continuing, “I made sure of it”

“You-”, Magnus started, anger pulsing through him more and more with every syllable Asmodeus uttered.

_ You did it. It was you,  _ Magnus finished in his mind,  _ you killed him.  _ And all of his anger, his hurt and his losses that had piled during his life were released then. This was one dagger too much, one wound too much, one scar too much. He closed his eyes, all of his pain gathering in his gut, his heart beating wild and he could feel his fists tightening and at the loss of anything else to do, without any real weapons or powers he punched Asmodeus, throwing his head back but it seemed to be mostly out of surprise than anything else. 

_ You killed my Alexander.  _

Asmodeus stumbled, but was quick to recover and he tapped his cane on the ground, throwing both Magnus and Ragnor on the ground like they were mere dolls. He gripped his cane with one hand, walking towards the two of them with fierce determination and utter betrayal in his demon eyes. His coat was flowing in the wind, his brows furrowed and all of his previous calmness was lost. As Asmodeus reached Magnus, he raised his cane, red flames creeping up his ankles and there were infernos in his eyes. 

Magnus raised his hand to cover his face, but before Asmodeus could strike, Ragnor attacked him from the side. His eyes turned fully black, something Magnus had only seen once before, and he faced off against a demon. A greater demon, prince of hell, and a mere grim reaper with limited magic. But Ragnor was fierce and ruthless in the way he kept pushing Asmodeus back, forcing him to retreat to collect himself. But Asmodeus was powerful, so much more powerful than anything else in existence and his flames were quick to overpower Ragnor and with a blast he sent him flying through the air, hitting the hard ground in a nasty blow.

He turned to his son, and Magnus was quickly on his feet but there was nothing he could do, there was nothing he had that he could use against a demon. And with a grin Asmodeus threw Magnus on the ground, his whole body trembling as he collided with the harsh earth underneath, his face a grimace, but Asmodeus only laughed. Magnus was weak, he had never felt weak in his life before, but faced with his own father he came to see how time had taken its toll on him. His physical strength was nothing against his flames, burning and eating away at Magnus’ clothes, his flesh, nipping at his skin and leaving burn marks in their wake. But there was not a trace of magic left in him, had it ever existed at all.

“You are a tenacious one, aren’t you?”, Asmodeus said through gritted teeth, almost spitting the words at Magnus like venom. And Magnus didn’t doubt for a second that his father would end him right then and there, but there was no fear in him, even though Magnus knew he ought to be terrified.

“You can’t even remember your own powers”, Asmodeus laughed at him, pushing him down harder, more ruthlessly, his demonic magic killing Magnus slowly and painfully, and there was nothing he could do to fight back. He was absolutely powerless against him, his limbs unmoving as his mind screamed at him to do something. Magnus could feel the flames burning him, cutting his skin, his soul and his mind and leaving nothing in its wake. 

Magnus closed his eyes, embracing death and whatever would follow - light or else, darkness - and he thought of Alec, and maybe it was the pain of everything, his burden finally falling down on him, his losses and his sadness, but his love and happiness, too that showed him that not all was lost. That in this battle of wills he still had something to give, and he closed his eyes, letting that last bit of hope wash over him, and show him the way.

_ “See you soon, Magnus”, Asmodeus said with a grin, his magic holding Magnus down, and he felt so powerless, so weak and he only wanted to scream and shout at his limbs for not obeying him, for not fighting back when he most needed to. He could see flames engulfing his father’s hands, and he placed them on his head. The flames didn’t burn but Magnus screamed and hissed and his father laughed and then he was gone.  _

_ Magnus took a deep breath and collapsed on the ground, his body weak and fragile after being controlled like that, held down like that. He glared at the spot where Asmodeus had been, his cat eyes furiously searching for him so he might give him a taste of his own magic. But he knew he was already long gone, far beyond his reach. His lips were twisted in a grimace, his eyes angry and vicious as he lifted himself up. _

_ “Magnus?” _

_ He could hear Alec, but before he could even turn around, he felt it. It had started as his father had touched him with his flames, but Magnus had been too angry to notice it. Only then could he feel how pieces of his mind were disappearing, like dust in the wind, burning away and leaving nothing in their wake. He could feel his father’s flames in his mind, and he felt panic rising inside of him as memory after memory burned away, all of his magic and his demonic side, his power and Alec -  _ oh God, not him, do not take him,  _ Magnus begged _ \-  _ vanished, just like that. _

_ Magnus summoned a pen and some paper, and started to vigorously write things down, vital things that under no circumstances should he forget, but the ink only burned away as soon as his pen touched the parchment. He let out a wail of anguish, and gripped his head, trying to find a way to hold onto at least something. _

_ “Magnus?”, he heard Alec’s frail voice again and raised his head towards the sky, as if he could find all the answers there. As if there was anyone out there who could help him now. He could still feel his own magic coursing through his veins, weaker and disappearing, but there all the same and he urged it to fight, to hold onto anything for as long as possible so he might find a solution. He knew he needed to be quick, and luckily he had always been quite the efficient magician. He just needed to hold on a little longer. _

_ “I- I think something is happening”, Alec said, his brittle voice but a whisper and Magnus turned to him slowly. _

_ “I know, I can feel it too-”, he started, but stopped as he saw him. His eyes were heavy, barely staying open and his hands were bloody, oh so red, and he only kept coughing up more and more and more and Magnus rushed to him, wrapping him in his arms, heartbroken as he realized he could no longer find a cure for him, no longer knew how to help him, not as his mind was being wiped clean and he was desperately trying to hold onto anything, or at least slow down the flames that had consumed him, body and soul.  _

_ “Alexander-”, he started, but didn’t know what to say after that. He closed his eyes, his tears mixing in with all the blood, and he searched and searched his mind for something, anything, that might help him now, help them now.  _

_ He cupped Alec’s face then and laid him down on his lap, his magic blue and cool and not at all burning hot like Asmodeus’, and Alec looked into his eyes as he did what little he could. His breathing was already so slow, his shirt wet with blood and Magnus knew there wasn’t much time left, for either of them. He could only fight off his father’s magic for so long. _

_ “What are… you-”, Alec tried but Magnus shushed him, he needed him to have all of his energy if his magic was going to do any good. He could feel the spell slipping his mind, trying to burn in the flames like everything else, but Magnus was persistent, focusing all of his energy onto that one spell, until the last of his blue flames had died away. _

_ “He’s trying to make me forget, so you’ll need to remember for me, can you do that? Could you do that for me?” _

_ Alec nodded slowly, his eyes falling shut. _

_ “You’ll hold these memories for me, and when we meet again, you will give them to me” _

_ Alec didn’t do or say anything then, his body turning limp and he stopped coughing up blood.  _

_ “Goodbye for now, my love”, Magnus said, pressing his forehead against his, the smell of blood filling his mind and for a moment he feared that Alec had already passed until his deep blue eyes fluttered open, turning to look at him once again. _

_ “I’ll see you soon, okay?”, he said and Alec offered him a weak smile, his life already gone and his eyes dead, his skin pale.  _

_ “You’ll find me, won’t you?” _

_ Alec closed his eyes. _

_ “I will… I promise… I will” _

_ He didn’t open them again. _

“I remember  _ everything” _ , Magnus hissed in return and looked into his father’s deep yellow eyes, and just then he knew his own were the same.  _ They  _ were the same. 

And finally his eternity was over, for life was waking inside of him. He could feel his dormant magic coming to life again, he could feel it pulsing alongside his heart, coursing through his veins and consuming him whole. It was everywhere, it was everything and Magnus could feel himself disappearing into it, like sand being pulled into a hurricane. And the hurricane was all he knew, all he had ever known and the pure power of it all coursing through him in waves, all at once, was exhilarating, and it was getting harder and harder to control it. 

The fire within him was as unforgiving as him, and he could tell that his father could see it in his eyes. He could see fear flash across his sharp features, but only briefly, before he pushed Magnus harder down against the ground, his mouth a grimace and his eyes glaring fire. But Magnus was stronger than him, this time he was. He would have to be. 

He closed his eyes, letting the fire inside of him spread through him completely, sparks tingling at the tips of his fingers, like bolts of thunder. He was lightning, he was fire, he was a hurricane; a storm that could never be contained. There was an inferno growing inside of him, in his eyes as he opened them to lay waste on everything that stood in his path. 

And the winds roared in agreement as he looked into his father’s eyes, his demon eyes, and the small sparks turned into flames, burning and burning and he knew there was no match for him; he was a force of nature. He gritted his teeth, baring them like a wild animal, and like a force field, he pushed Asmodeus off, sending him flying across the path. 

The sky split open, bleeding fire, and he rose up. He was not a demon then, nor human. He was a God, divine by right, by birth and there was nothing more terrifying in the world than him. The flames licked at his heels, biting along his legs and up his arms but the burns didn’t show. His eyes were aflame, fiery gold like a forest fire, the sparks floating along to the wind, lighting his way in the darkness. 

_ Look what you’ve done,  _ he wanted to say,  _ look what you made of me. _

As he made his way to his father, who was still scrambling on the ground, he could almost hear the barking of hell hounds and feel the heat of hell itself under his feet, marking his path, calling to his demonic side.  _ King of Hell,  _ they chanted,  _ you will be remembered for centuries,  _ but he had never wanted to be remembered for such triumphs. And he looked down at the burned ground around him, his flames red like blood, his eyes now their true self, but he knew better. That had never been his true nature, for he was not cruel or unforgiving, not evil even if his blood commanded it. His head may have been bloody, but it was unbowed, for he was in charge of his own destiny, his own soul. 

Magnus halted, his eyes slowly fading from burning yellow to the peace of blackness, and he raised his chin high. The flames surrounding him turned from bleeding red to a much more calm blue and the betrayal in his father’s eyes as he laid at his feet was almost enough satisfaction for him to walk away.

But then he felt a familiar presence, a loving hand on his shoulder and he knew it wasn’t going to be enough for 1 000 years of suffering, of not only his but Alexander’s as well. Four times he had died in his arms, bleeding and asking for forgiveness, and Magnus knew it would never be over for as long as his father could lay his fingers on him. 

He was both a man and a monster, his hands were loving yet they possessed the power to kill thousands. His eyes were the color of light and destruction both, and Magnus wondered which it was he held in his hands. What would he see when he closed his eyes? Light he knew lived inside of him, or darkness that lurked underneath his skin. His magic was tingling, waiting for his command patiently though a little over eagerly, his flames dancing around his fingers and his feet, painting him in shades of indigo and midnight, their calmness a contrast to the anger in his eyes, in his soul. 

It was a thousand year old rage.

There was nothing Asmodeus could say that would in any way lessen the want for revenge, for justice that Magnus could feel inside of him, a turmoil that only had one will. Magnus almost pitied his father as he looked down on him, defeated yet refusing to give up the fight and he shook his head at him. His blue flames rose higher then, higher and higher, climbing up his arm, forming a sword-like shape that in an instant he ran through Asmodeus, his own father, who disappeared with a one last grimace, turning into fire, into ashes and then nothing. 

He let out a breath, his head falling a little back as his flames disappeared, leaving only the burned ground behind. He let the resuming chatter of the people, the winds and the sun envelope him and calm him as he tried to understand what had happened. Asmodeus was gone, that had happened. He had killed Alec, more than once, and now Magnus had killed him. And he was a demon, or half of once anyway. He blinked a few times, his mind still not entirely wrapping around everything. 

Magnus could hear Ragnor getting up but he didn’t turn to face him. He walked up to Magnus, dusting off his coat and ruffled his hair to get the sand out, not saying a word. Neither was sure what to say or do in such a situation, so only silence reigned between them. The calm after a battle, perhaps, or after a catastrophe.  _ You survived the war, now live with the consequences  _ or something like that. He unclenched his fists, the tension in his shoulders releasing and he breathed deep. He felt vulnerable, more so than he had in a long time, but also powerful. He wasn’t sure which he preferred. 

He had endured so much during his very long life, and now it seemed it had all been leading to this. Magnus thought that he might need broader shoulders if he was going to bear all of what had happened, and it almost made him chuckle. But most of all, he had no clue what came next. 

Ragnor walked up to him, silently standing by his side and Magnus felt the need to thank him for going up against Asmodeus like that but before he could so much as open his mouth, Ragnor raised two fingers to silence him. No thank you’s were needed, then. 

“He was afraid I’d have horns”, Magnus blurted out suddenly.

Ragnor looked at him, baffled, his mouth gaping. “What?”

“Alec. He said that when I first told him of my immortality. He was afraid I’d have horns and now- now I have cat eyes”

“Do you want a hug?”, Ragnor whispered, leaning towards him with his arms open.

Magnus turned to glare at him, his eyes flashing to yellow and blue flames started to surround him.

“Forget it, if you hate the idea so much”, Ragnor said and turned away, his arms now crossed in front of him. 

“There are people watching, you know”, he added as Magnus only continued to stand there, aflame and his cat eyes very visible. And he exhaled, his blames and demon eyes disappearing. Ragnor looked ahead for a bit longer, switching his weight from one foot to another, his mouth opening slightly and Magnus knew he had something to say. 

Ragnor turned his body ever so slightly to face Magnus, his arms still crossed and his eyes looking ahead. “He knows who you are, though, cat eyes and all”

“Does he?”

Ragnor paused.

“He did the first time around”, he said after a while, after he had considered his words.

Magnus shook his head. “I won’t look for him, I won’t. This time, it will be his decision only”

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it despite the wait! The final chapter will be up in just a few weeks as I have most of it already written! And as always, remember that I absolutely love reading your comments no matter how big or small <3
> 
> (Special shoutout to my friend Saskia (@izzymalec) for her amazing gifset that brought me more readers, ily <33)


	12. Epilogue

**78 years later**

-

Memory was a strange thing, and it didn’t work at all like Alec had thought it did.

He sat beside the table, his feet up and he was leaning on them, tapping his pen against the edge, his notebook hastily thrown aside. He didn’t look up as his sister walked in and it took her throwing an apple at his head to pull him out of his thoughts. 

“What?”

Isabelle tilted her head in that manner of hers, her large dark eyes a little squinted, letting him know that she was already inside his head. 

“What are you thinking about?”

Alec rolled his eyes and put his feet down, turning to his notebook that had pages after pages filled with notes, almost unreadable due to his messy handwriting. He opened it and slid it towards his sister, but he was sure she already knew what was on his mind. She leaned on the table and reached for the apple she had thrown him, biting into it as she flipped through the book. 

She said nothing, but after a while she closed it, her perfectly manicured fingers drawing circles on the cover and she sighed, not looking at him. “This again? Alec I told you-”

“I know, I know. But I can’t help it, this at least helps me empty my head”

She looked at him through her lashes, her head low and tapped twice on the book before sliding it back to him and walked away to the counter. 

“Whatever. I still think you should see someone about this”, Isabelle said, but Alec ignored her and stood up, leaving the kitchen, his notebook tightly in his grip. He grabbed his coat from where he had thrown it over the couch yesterday and put it on, though he was sure it was still warm outside. Summer had been short this year, but the sun still persisted even though all the leaves were already changing color and the sky was turning gray. And he was right, it was quite warm outside, and he left his coat open. 

It was a beautiful day, and for once Alec was glad he had some free time. Usually between shifts at the store and helping Izzy with her stuff he was left with little time to himself. Though lately that had also been a good thing, because when Alec was alone, he had time to think. And whenever he did that, it came. Alec wasn’t really sure what it was, exactly, but he knew it was strange enough so that it couldn’t be a good idea to speak about it, but Izzy knew, because she always did. It was impossible to keep anything from her, but even she had no idea what it really was.

It wasn’t a voice; not often. Mostly it was this… ache at his core, pushing and pulling along to his heartbeat. It was thoughts, but they were incoherent and out of place and they weren’t his. Not completely, anyway. It was feelings, this longing and yearning for another time, another person, maybe. But most of all, Alec knew it was a part of him, but it wasn’t  _ him.  _ It wasn’t his, but it had always been there. Truth be told, Alec didn’t know what it was, yet he was determined to find out.

The easiest explanation was that it was memories. These thoughts and feelings that he had, surging through him in blue flames, and they felt familiar. It was as though he was constantly reaching out only to remember that there was no one there, or how he seemed to forget that he was alone, but still kept saying things out loud and turning around to tell someone a funny joke before remembering again.  _ Oh, you’re not here.  _ But he didn’t know who he expected to be there, either. Who was the person he always seemed to be waiting for? Whose was the voice he wanted to hear on the other end of the phone? Whose walking pace was he matching, who was holding the umbrella for him in heavy rain? Who was he waiting for to be there at the end of the day? 

He glanced right before crossing the road, his hands in his pockets, one fiddling with his keys and the other one with his phone. His friend had asked him to meet him at their usual spot and at the loss of anything better to do, Alec had decided to drag his mildly depressed self out of the apartment. He passed by groups and groups of people, all on their way to different places, and he felt almost like a ghost among them. Like he wasn’t really there, or that maybe, he wasn’t supposed to be. Alec figured he had always felt that way, as if there was something more to him, something more to his life and like he was… different. He supposed there wasn’t a better word for it than that.

The streets there were small and they were lined by rows and rows of trees, and Alec loved it when the sun sometimes filtered through the leaves like gold. There weren’t many cars there either, and it was quiet, even the chatter of people was distant. Alec loved it here, and as he approached the place by the small pond, surrounded by apple trees in their bloom, he could already see Simon standing there with two coffee cups in his hands. 

“I see you’re still not past your goth-phase”, he joked and Simon turned around with a grin. He was essentially the only real friend that Alec had, since the people he knew from school weren’t all that interesting or just plain odd. Or maybe it was Alec that was odd, who knew. But with Simon friendship came easily, and Alec was glad to have him, even if all he ever wore were long black jackets and black and white suits, even when it was burning hot outside, claiming it was for work. And then as well he was sporting a suit and newly polished shoes and Alec rolled his eyes jokingly as he took the coffee he was offering.

“Don’t diss my looks mr. green sweater”, Simon said in return and sipped his coffee with raised eyebrows. Alec elbowed him gently, but didn’t deny what he was saying. It was Alec’s favorite shirt and he wore it almost exclusively, so much that it had become a little joke of theirs.

“Don’t be so mean, Simon. You couldn’t live without me”

“Hmm, you’re probably right but that won’t stop me from making fun of you”

Alec raised his eyebrows and bobbed his head, carefully sipping his coffee as not to burn his tongue. He looked up at the trees, their flowers in their prime, and he smiled as the sun shone through them, shining right in his eyes and he raised his other hand to use as a shade. The wind was picking up, some of the flowers were floating in the air above them, and Alec lowered his hands, enjoying the day fully. 

He could feel Simon looking at him, and he glanced at him with raised eyebrows but he only shrugged, drinking his coffee instead of bothering to answer his silent question. Alec sighed, his mind clouded nevermind the beautiful day and it’s tendencies to calm him. That day, though, it seemed his mind couldn’t be calmed. Alec looked at his friend briefly, then down at his coffee and his shoes, shuffling them a bit before daring to speak.

“Do you ever feel… old?”, he asked, hesitating before saying the word  _ old  _ as it wasn’t really the right word to describe what he was feeling. He wasn’t old and he didn’t really feel like it either, but he was something. He was young, technically at least, but his soul felt old. That was it, he supposed. His soul had been here before, and maybe it was another life he was seeing in his dreams. 

Simon sipped his coffee and cursed when it was too hot, pondering Alec’s words. “No, not really”

Alec bobbed his head, not surprised that Simon couldn’t understand what he meant. 

“Do you? I mean, you are pretty old”, Simon remarked then, and his smile turned into his usual grin as Alec glared at him.

“Aren’t you older than me?”, he snapped back but Simon only shook his head and grinned, though there was something in his eyes, too.

“Nah, you’re the senior citizen here, mr. ‘I am 25 but look 22’”

“25? I am not that old! And besides, I was born early in the year so technically I am a year younger”

“That’s not how it works!”, Simon laughed and elbowed him gently, almost spilling his coffee.

“Ouch! And I didn’t say I was old, just that I feel old”

Simon shrugged and sipped his coffee, burning his tongue in the process, not seeming to learn. “22 is a rough age”

Alec hummed in agreement and wrapped both of his hands around his coffee as a cold breeze blew past them. They were silent then, but there was something hanging in the air between them, something that both of them could feel but neither dared to address. Alec raised his coffee to his lips before hesitating, lowering his hand and he breathed deep. Simon turned to look at him as he spoke.

“I keep having these… flashes”, he started and he could almost see Simon tensing beside him, though he thought nothing of it. “Maybe they are memories, but… I don’t think they’re mine. And I can’t tell if they’re real”

“Like dreams?”, Simon asked, but Alec only shrugged in response. They mostly came to him in dreams, but they weren’t dreams, that much he knew. And it was essentially everything he knew. 

Alec looked up at the sun then, using his hand as a shade, and he smiled as the sunshine fell down on him through the trees and branches and leaves. The August days were calm and soft, the air still warm even with the cold breezes. It was as if fall was persisting on arriving a bit early, but summer was still holding on. It truly was a beautiful day and as they stood there, Alec reached up to catch a flower that the wind was carrying. 

“Did you know that if you catch a falling flower petal, you’ll fall in love with the person you’re walking with?”

Simon scoffed. “Are you hitting on me? If so, it is definitely working”

Alec elbowed him, but burst out laughing anyway. 

“I’m not hitting on you”, he muttered then, looking down, “it’s just something I heard somewhere”

Simon nodded along to his words, his face scrunched up as he pretended to be very interested in that playful manner of his. Alec smiled, scoffing, and shook his head at him. 

“Well I got all sorts of feelings now so…”, Simon joked, and Alec laughed at him.

“You can work through that on your own”

At night, when half of the world was asleep, and morning only moments away, Alec found himself sitting on the edge of his bed. His room was dark, but just then Alec didn’t seem to mind, as the darkness of his room often was like sunlight to him, though he almost wished it wasn’t so. He had always felt that he belonged to the night, the winds and the stars. And the moon, too. And right then, he knew if he slept, he would see him. The man from his dreams, or his dream-like-memories. He had been in all of them, though the details were always hard to remember in the mornings, but Alec was sure. He could only remember splashes here and there, a little bit of dark hair and a pair of gorgeous eyes, sometimes black, sometimes yellow. Brown skin and thick eyelashes, shadows cascading onto him as his hands found Alec’s. That was all. 

And yet, in all of the glimpses Alec saw, he always uncovered something new about him. He knew his skin looked beautiful in the early moments of dawn, darker somehow than normally, and it was a breathtaking contrast to his black hair, only shades lighter than his eyelashes. But it was his eyes Alec loved the most. Not the color, specifically, or the way they looked so vulnerable, but it was the endless depths, the pitch black pools reflecting light, surrounding his vibrant soul. Alec saw life, beauty as he laid eyes upon him.

He let himself fall back, his head almost hitting the pillows and his ankles clashing against the frame of his bed. Alec could see the sky from where he was lying, the symphony of stars much quieter than usual, and then it seemed to be just him and his beating heart there, and no one else in the entire universe. And so when the dreams came, Alec didn’t stop them, but instead let them engulf him, swallowing him entirely.

It was dark in his dream and the rain was falling hard, pounding on him, pushing him down, and Alec could taste the salt in his mouth. His hair was dripping wet and falling flat over his eyes and it was so hard to see. And he knew he wasn’t alone there, that someone else was with him, close to him, but he couldn’t see clearly. Only his voice broke through the waves of rain falling over them, flooding over the curb.

_ “Remember, you have to remember”,  _ he pleaded, but Alec didn’t know what he wanted him to remember. And his heart was bouncing between the skies and earth, to heaven and then back again with dizzying speed. And there was a grief, in his heart, something that couldn’t be spoken as he the man held him, a pain that went on and on. He longed to understand what he was saying, he wanted to remember what he had forgotten, if only for him, but it wasn’t so simple. There was nothing he had forgotten, but there was something he needed to remember.

The man turned away suddenly, leaving Alec hanging there, alone and abandoned, and it hurt. It hurt to see him walk away, more than anything had ever hurt him before. Of all things, this was the worst. Alec kept searching through his mind, searching and searching, reaching out to what was missing, but there was nothing. He felt so utterly empty and he only wanted to know what it was that he had lost, what it was that he wanted to give to Alec. But all of it was left unsaid, hanging in the air between them, devoid of any power, and the man disappeared into the rain and Alec had never been so lonely.

He jolted awake violently, only traces of his dream were left, as usual, and he sat up straighter in his bed, slowly. He could still feel the man’s hands cupping his face, how warm they were despite the ice cold rain, how his breathing felt against his skin, both soft and rough at the same time, how his hair had dripped water onto his cheeks and he could still hear his voice, whispering against his lips.

_ I love you, Alexander _

And it felt so real. His love felt so real, and it made Alec ache. He wanted to let him love him, and love him so deeply in return. But how could he do that, if he didn’t know him, who he was or if he even existed.  _ No _ , Alec thought,  _ that isn’t entirely true _ . From the very first time he had seen him, he had known he was real. That much he knew to be true, but the question still remained; whether or not he existed now, or hundred years from now or 200 years before Alec had even been born. But he did exist, even now, in Alec’s memories, in his soul and his heart. But he might never truly exist again, unless Alec could wish him to life.

He sighed, rubbing his temples and pulled out his notebook and a pen, scribbling down the pieces that he only barely remembered and after he was done, he traced his fingers over the words. They didn’t make much sense to him, his mind still half asleep, and he yawned, leaning back a little bit, letting his feet dangle in the air.

If nothing else, he remembered being held, being loved.

His memory had always been a rather strange thing. Not only because he saw these dreams, but because he had always been able to remember things that seemed to go far beyond his own life. Alec could remember many beginnings and many endings, and then moments in the middle. Maybe these dreams were the beginning of something, too, something Alec couldn’t understand yet, but his soul could.

Then again, he wasn’t so sure he believed in beginnings and endings.

And who was this man, standing before him in the quiet of the night, begging him to remember, telling him he loved him. It had been almost midnight, and Alec had been drowning in his eyes, then black, wondering what was the feeling that was growing inside of his chest, something so scary but so familiar, something that felt so utterly right. Alec didn’t know him, not even such a simple fact as his name, but he wondered why, when he looked back on his life, he only saw his face. Even when he looked beyond this life, it was only him that Alec saw. And he felt drawn to him, like he was the very center of his universe, though he didn’t know who he was. But it seemed his heart knew him, and it was the most terrifying thing Alec had done in his life, as he let himself love him, because he felt like home. 

-

It was October, and Alec missed the summer. Often in the fall, things had a habit of getting sad for no reason and more gloomy, too. It was harder to think, to focus on things that mattered. Alec felt as though he had nothing to hold onto, as if he was only falling through the air, but never seemed to be able to land, or crash against the freezing ground. He was only falling, even the stars had got tired of his company.

He could hear the rain falling hard outside, pounding on the rooftops and shattering in the wind. Alec had always loved the sounds of rain, of the noises that surrounded everything and that you couldn’t escape. There had always been something so ruthless about it, but something forgiving too. Rain could cleanse you, or judge you. And Alec loved the simplicity of it.

He looked into the mirror, into his deep brown eyes, almost black in the breaking dawn. He was leaning against the sink, its coldness seeping through and sending shivers up his arms and along his spine. He sighed, tilting his head, as if there was something in his eyes he was trying very hard to see, some secret to uncover.

_ You used to have blue eyes. _

Alec couldn’t imagine that, he felt that he would look quite bizarre with blue eyes, but at the same time, maybe they could suit him. A different him, perhaps. Now instead his eyes were like the black coffee that you drowned in one go on your way to work or the really dark chocolate that tasted all too bitter to him, but Isabelle seemed to love. To Alec, his eyes had always been too dark, too harsh like the hard ground right before the first snow. But he saw life there, too. It wasn’t all unforgiving; he saw warmth like the candles people liked to light during the winter, he saw forests and trees and he saw the earth blooming as the snow melted and it felt like he was, perhaps, seeing himself for the first time. 

_ I saw you. It was you. _

He wondered what other people saw when they looked at him, if they saw just him with his sharp features and black hair falling over his eyes, or if it was something else they saw. It was something else that Alec saw, at least. 

With a sigh he pushed himself up, combing through his hair with his fingers as he left the bathroom. It was a very early morning and Alec had picked an extra shift at the store since money had been tight recently, but as he leaned over to put on his shoes - almost falling over - and pull on his jacket and wrap himself in his scarf, he wondered if money was worth waking up so early for. Alec felt tired, but he knew he wasn’t actually tired, just numb and heavy and it was hard to find any of the right words. 

He turned his collar up against the winds and the rain, his shoes making that funny splashing sound as feet often did when walking in puddles. Alec thought of Izzy in that yellow raincoat she used to have as a kid and how she loved to jump into every puddle that came her way. Alec thought about it as he walked over the puddles, not wanting to ruin his day further by making his feet wet. He felt miserable enough on his own, he didn’t need any fever to add onto his already heavy burden. 

As he crossed the street, jogging across it as cars honked at him and he waved at them as an apology of sorts, he wished for the thousandth time that this wasn’t his life. He had never known how to explain that, that feeling that accompanied him in everything he did, that stone in his soul and in the pit of his stomach that never left him. He had always wanted to be somewhere else, though he had no idea where that was. Maybe he was just an echo, someone who belonged to another place, another time.

The rain turned into a small drizzle, Alec’s black hair glistening wet under the dim street lights. The city disappeared into the night, into the loving darkness, but the morning was already on its way, promising a better day. Alec glanced at the old clock that stood by the corner, its black color interrupted by formations of rust, and it was almost 5 am. Alec picked up his pace, he didn’t want to be late again. Usually he was very punctual, but lately it had been harder to get out of bed in the morning. Seasonal depression, he told himself, but he had a feeling it was something else.

_ And what if you’re already in love? _

He stopped as he heard it, turning around, the wind blowing coldly against him, but there was no one there. He didn’t know why he always turned around, since there was no one ever there, but Alec supposed he was waiting, always waiting. For something, for him, perhaps. He kept looking over his shoulder, expecting him to be there and he always searched for his face in the crowds, the pace of his steps and the sound of his voice. It was all etched into his memory like carvings on a stone, more familiar than anything else in his life. 

But he was never there. Not yet. But soon, maybe. 

He turned the corner, the all too familiar shop there and he glanced back quickly before pulling his keys out of his pocket, fiddling with them until he found the one he was looking for. His fingers were ice cold and shivering, making it that much more difficult to open the glass door. After some minutes of fumbling the key clicked and Alec pulled the door open and stepped inside. The light switch was on his left and he turned it on, blinking in the sudden brightness. The store was small, rows after rows of all kinds of things stuffed in the shelves and then two registers right beside the door. There was even a recycling center for plastic bottles and such, but no one really used it. 

Alec put his keys back in his pocket and made his way to the dressing rooms to change into his work outfit. It was at the back of the shop, behind the door that said ‘authorized personnel only’ and then left in the hallway. His uniform was nothing special, just a blue vest and a button up shirt and officially he was supposed to wear straight black pants as well but he had replaced them with his black jeans some time ago and his boss didn’t really care. His name tag said Alec, instead of Alexander but his coworkers still called him Alex. He didn’t really care, either. 

In the hallway if you went right instead of left, you made it into the break room with one table with three legs and one broken one and then a crappy coffee machine on the dingy yellow counter like in some 80s sitcoms. As Alec pressed the button for espresso, he wished he had chosen another job, like a flower shop or something. Maybe even a coffee shop would’ve been nice, quaint and cozy. More peaceful, too.

_ I like you a latte.  _

He chuckled and downed his espresso in one shot, leaving the room to do some inventory. 

When he got home it was the middle of the night, and Alec couldn’t sleep. He was sitting on the floor of his room, the fading sunlight long gone then but he couldn’t find it in him to get up, either. His fingers were tangled in his hair, at the back of his head where his hair never laid flat no matter how he willed it to. It was dark, it was hard to see, but there was something that kept him there on the floor. He had taken off his day clothes and put on his pyjamas, but that was essentially all that he had done. He was simply sitting there, staring at the notebook that stood on his desk, his pen still in his hands and ink on his fingers. He couldn’t remember if he had written something, or if he had simply tried to draw on his hands like he had Izzy used to when they were kids. 

It was the fault of that feeling that always came. It was stronger and more persistent in the nights but it never quite left him. It had become easier to remember, with time, but nevermind his earlier amnesia regarding the matter, he knew he had always seen these dreams. A little only, at first, and more as the years went by. And now, it was hard to envision his life without the thoughts of him. 

He picked up his pen again and tried to write something down in his notebook, but the words wouldn’t come. He tapped it against the page a couple times before opening up the very first page. There was a drawing there, three sets of eyes. The first pair were regular black eyes, then closed ones and after that the yellow ones. It had been the first thing Alec had seen, or at least the first one he could remember after waking up. He always loved looking at the drawing, for there was so much love in those eyes, but insecurity too. They were looking at something, or someone, very fondly and Alec had always wanted to know what the man in his drawing was looking at. He wondered if it was him, somehow. He found himself hoping for it.

After that there was just a lot of writing, dialogue maybe, bits and pieces that Alec could remember. 

_ Did I ever tell you how much I love you? _

_ No. _

_ Well I do. _

He turned the page, his fingers idly tracing the words.

_ Would you believe me, if I said that I saw you in my dreams? _

_ That is an awful pick-up line. _

The words were scattered, they formed no story or made any sense. Or maybe it was a different kind of story, one that Alec couldn’t quite understand yet. He skipped a couple of pages until halting on a specific one. His handwriting was a little different there and the words looked as if they were falling.

_ I don’t know if you are here yet, or what kind of person you are, _

_ but I want you to know that I love you. That you are loved. _

He read past this, to the very bottom of the page.

_ Please come back to me. _

Alec sighed, the lump forming in his throat making it hard to breathe and he let the notebook rest on his leg. His fingers were shaking a bit and he only kept staring at the words, already smudged, unable to tear his eyes away. He wiped his nose on his arm, and breathed deep. He started skimming through the pages, stopping here and there to look at some other drawings before finding the one he was looking for. He had thought that his newest dream had felt familiar, and as he looked at the drawing open on his lap, he knew he had been right. He had seen it before, or maybe another piece of the same memory, a different part like skipping scenes during a movie. The drawing itself was dark and hastily done, Alec knew it had been night. It was raining there, too, and he had drawn the already so familiar man walking away from him, his coat flapping in the wind. And Alec remembered that he had hurt that time, too. He hurt when he had to watch him walk away. 

Looking at his notes always made him wonder. How long had it been since he had seen him? How long had he been gone, how long had it been since he was alive and by his side? To Alec, it was only a dream ago, but to him it might have been an eternity. And it scared him to think about it, about the fact that he might not be here anymore or Alec might not exist in his mind any longer. 

The newest of his memories were, however, the hardest, the ones just before this life. Those were the clearest in his mind, and made the most sense. They were also more tragic, and Alec wished he didn’t have to relive them, but such things had always been out of his control. He tried to ignore them, too, but he had found out that there was nothing to be done, so they simply sat at the back of his mind, heavy like a stone. 

_ I’m sleepy. _

His voice was but a whisper, but in the quietude of the room it was clear and almost loud. This was a new one, but Alec could place it perfectly in his mind, and knew what it was all leading up to, how it was all going to play out. 

_ Good night. I love you. _

Alec blinked drowsily, as if the tiredness in his memory was somehow catching on now, in the present. He yawned and walked over to the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets, searching for his tea kettle. He managed to find an old package of cookies, too, and he ate them as the water boiled and he leaned against the counter. The floor was cold under his bare feet, and Alec watched his toes as they curled to get away from his merciless tile floors. His navy blue pyjama pants were a tad too long, and he was always stumbling on them as they slid under his feet and his grey t-shirt was a little too small, revealing his abdomen whenever he reached for something that was high up.

The tea kettle whistled and Alec closed his eyes.

_ How can you do this to me? _

He took a shaky breath, his ancient guilt swallowing him whole. His shoulders were lumped, as if a heavy burden had been laid upon him. Burden, like 700 years of longing and 200 years of _oh, I am sorry_ and 70 years of regret followed by 123 years of _wait for me._ And, and, and - his burden was ancient, but so was he.

Isabelle always told him that there was a silver lining to everything, and if that was true, Alec thought that his silver lining as that it was his own death that he saw, and not his. By God, Alec knew that he could never survive seeing that. He wondered how he did it. 

“I really am sorry”

He knew it wasn’t his fault. He knew that it couldn’t have been be helped, that someone always had to leave first, but he also couldn’t help feeling guilty. He had left him, all alone with a frail promise of coming back someday. He didn’t know the whole story either, not all of it had come to him yet. But he knew enough, and he knew this. He knew he had abandoned him. But he also knew that he needed to find him. 

After all, he had made a promise.

-

In the winter, the stars were more visible in the sky. And Alec wondered if it was the same stars that they saw, if it was the same ground under their feet and the same air they were breathing. He felt as though they were far away, but he hoped it wasn’t so. The music was still playing, echoing through the room as Alec sat by his desk, trying to get some studying done. It was hard, as he sat in the back of his mind, still like stone, through everything he did. Nothing seemed as important as the chance to be with him, if there was any. And it was almost as if he was hearing his voice, shattering everything around him, calling him home.

_ I love you. Remember.  _

And Alec went and went, night after night, to him.

He wanted to tell him of it too, of all things, but most of all how he loved him and how he always had. By God, he had loved him that he could never forget for a second, but he was sorry, most of all, that too felt important to say. But he did not know where he was, or if he was here at all. There was always that chance that he was waiting for nothing, for no one at all, but it was something Alec had always chosen to ignore. He wanted to believe that he was here, that theirs was not a tragedy.

_ I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.  _

Alec had always felt so vulnerable in the nights, under the endless skies, as if there was a truth there that no one could touch. He felt as though everything around him was falling, as if he himself was falling, and he closed his eyes to stop the dizzying speed. He could hear him calling his name, and so he repeated his name under his breath in return, as softly as he could, for it was something precious and needed to be cherished.

_ Magnus. Magnus. Magnus. _

The name sounded so delicate, yet somehow so tyrannic and wild, but elegant and contained at the same time. It sounded like it could hold much love, but also much anger. It was out of control, strong and fragile all at once. It was beautiful; it was life itself. And it vanished into the night as Alec opened his eyes, and he felt as if his soul was in the skies, with him, perhaps. It vanished, but it didn’t turn into nothing. It stayed with Alec and he felt content. Maybe that was why he dreamed; so they could be together always, so they wouldn’t have to be apart for too long. 

In the morning Alec found himself walking through the city. He had no specific destination, but he knew where his feet were leading him all the same. There was a small river that flowed by the park and an old stone brick bridge that crossed it. It was surrounded by trees and bushes and he could always hear birds singing there. He loved it, the peacefulness and isolation of it. It was like his own little corner of the world.

He let his hands rest against the stones, cold nevermind his thick gloves, and he sighed. It was beautiful there, absolutely breathtaking and Alec smiled as he felt the distant warmth of sun shining down on him. The chatter of people was distant and Alec was glad, he had never been much of a people person. This way he would be able to clear his head, and that was why he was here and not moping in his bedroom. 

The stream was frozen, only in small patches he was able to see the water still persistently flowing. The trees were coated in white as well, and the flowers and the grass had all lost their color, disappearing under the snow. The scenery unfolding in front of his eyes was gorgeous, almost dream-like. It was all so white, yet the gentle rays of sun tried to peak through and melt away the coldness with its tender colors. 

And Alec thought of Magnus. He supposed he was always thinking about him, even without really knowing it. He thought of the way he looked with his black hair that he could wear in a dozen different styles and in colors Alec had never even seen before. And his warm eyes, so gentle even after everything and he thought of all the things he had said, of the things he only ever said to him and the smiles he reserved solely for him.

It was all about him, it was always about him. And Alec didn’t know what he was supposed to do with all that he felt for him, with all the love he had for him.

“I thought I’d find you here”, he heard a familiar voice and turned to see Isabelle walking towards him, her heels clicking against the stones hollowly.

“What are you doing here?”, Alec asked, leaning sideways against the stone railing.

Isabelle glanced around the park before answering. “You’ve been down lately, I thought you might want to talk about what’s bothering you”

Alec shook his head lightly and turned away from her. 

“Nothing’s bothering me”

“Really?”

He shrugged and looked down at his intertwined hands. 

“Look”, she started, closing the distance between them, “I don’t know what this whole dream thing is, but you need to get over him”

Alec turned to look at her, his face expressionless as she looked at him with so much worry.

“You worry too much”, Alec said, feigning nonchalance.

“Then don’t make me worry so much”, she said simply, sharply before sighing. She laid her hand on his shoulder and looked deep into his eyes. 

“Someday, someone is going to love you, heart and soul”, she said, her big brown eyes full of sadness and pity perhaps and she leaned forward, pressing a kiss on his forehead. “Wait for it, big brother, it’ll happen.”

With that, she was gone, her long black hair cascading down her back as she walked away. Alec leaned his back against the sturdy stones, his head raised high as the sun fell down on him. It wasn’t warm anymore, in the deep winter, but Alec liked it nonetheless. It was cold, his breath leaving him in white puffs, and just then it was snowing, the snow was falling down gently, almost dancing in the wind. Alec’s hands were in his pockets, his blue coat long and thick but he still shivered and hid his head between his shoulders and behind his scarf. His cheeks were red, almost rosy, and he smiled, looking down shyly as he recalled another such an instant. 

_ “What are you doing?”, he asked, his voice shy and he blushed a little bit, too, like a child with a crush. _

_ The man, Magnus, Alec knew, stepped in front of him with a small yet devilish smile, pulling him down by the lapels of his coat.  _

_ “Nothing”, he said sheepishly before kissing his cheeks and the tip of his nose, warmth spreading through Alec, his skin tickling where his lips had been. Alec could feel his heart fluttering and his stomach doing cartwheels and he was so utterly happy then. As Magnus stepped away from him, teasing him, Alec grabbed his hand and pulled him in for another kiss, and another and another. He was very much in love. _

Alec’s blush deepened and his heart fluttered just as it had then, and he chuckled out loud, not able to contain his happiness. How could he be so in love with a mere memory, a shadow of a person? He thought of his sister’s words, and he knew there would never be another that could love him as he had. Heart and soul, she had said, but Magnus had been his first love, his second, third, fourth and fifth one too, and it was a love with no beginning or ending. Or it did have a beginning, in fact, and a beautiful one it was, too. And they loved each other, even now with so much distance between them they would always love each other, heart and soul. 

The water underneath the bridge was frozen, not so lively and flowing like in the summers that Alec spent here, on this same bridge, looking into its small waves and currents as it went on its way. Now it was unmoving, but Alec turned to it nonetheless, leaning on his arms as a small giggle escaped him. He was absolutely giddy, his whole face lit up, and he didn’t care as the people passing him gave him odd looks. 

_ I don’t think I would mind being immortal, if I could be with you. _

That day, evening came early, the winter days weren’t so soft and warm as they were only a few weeks ago. On his way home Alec wondered how long he would have to wait for his love. Not a sad one, but an endlessly happy one. He didn’t want any more tragedies, for he had suffered enough. They both had, too much. They deserved their soft love, their happy ending. Alec wondered if there was such a god that could hear his prayer, his hopeful thoughts draped in melancholy. He wondered if someone could hear him.

It was getting darker as he walked, the streetlights were turning on one by one and as Alec tilted his head up at the sky, he was disappointed to see that the stars weren’t visible. It was snowing more then, the asphalt already white and there were only his footprints there. His hands were in his pockets as the wind blew past him, his eyes turned down. 

As he looked up he saw Simon there, standing by the door with his thick black coat on and weariness to his stance that indicated that he had just gotten off from work.

“Why is everyone following me around today?”

Simon chuckled, glancing down briefly before turning to Alec. “Just thought I’d stop by”

Alec stopped before him and only then did he see the darkness under his eyes and the slumped shoulders. His hair was messier than usual as well, and his eyes just a little too red. 

“You okay?”, he asked carefully, suddenly very worried. He had never seen Simon like this, not in the many years he had known him.

“Just, ah, difficult day at work. Lost an old client”, he said casually, but his hollow voice betrayed him. He sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve and pursed his lips.

Alec nodded along to his words, shuffling his feet a bit. 

“I never seemed to get used to it”, Simon said offhandedly, and though Alec wasn’t entirely sure what he meant, he felt that he needed to say something to cheer him up.

“No one gets used to losing people”, he said and Simon turned to look at him slowly, inhaling sharply as if he only just remembered how. 

“That’s a nice thought, where did you hear it?”, Simon asked and Alec shrugged.

“It’s complicated”

“Those flashes you mentioned some time ago?”

Alec turned to look at his friend. “How did you know?”

Simon looked ahead, pushing his hands into his pockets as the wind blew past them, the snow looser on the streets, dancing along to its rhythm. “Someone told it to me, too. A long time ago”

And not for the first time, but for the first time in a long time, Alec felt that Simon knew much more than he let on. That he  _ was  _ much more than he let on.

“You know him?”, he asked, unsure, but it felt like the entire world was hanging in the balance. 

Simon smiled then, looking down at his shoes. “He’s an old friend”

Alec nodded slowly, but he wasn’t sure what Simon meant by that, or more likely, why his smile was so nostalgic and why he seemed so old just then. His tone held much more meaning than his words, as if the person had been more than he claimed him to be. Alec wondered who he really was. 

Simon turned to him with a sad smile. 

“I’ve seen how much he needs you”, he said, sniffling a bit as if holding back tears, “and how much you need him”

Alec ran his fingers through his hair, nervous all of a sudden. He had never thought he would get anywhere with his dreams, his memories. But here he was, on his way.

Simon’s face turned much more serious then and he laid a hand on Alec’s shoulder, squeezing it a bit as if to encourage him.

“You should go to him”, he said. Alec nodded. There was no need for explanations, then. They both knew enough.

_ Wait for me,  _ he thought,  _ I’m on my way. _

-

The spring was hopeful, bringing all new possibilities with it. Though this spring, there didn’t seem to be much to say. 

Alec had been thinking about it endlessly, spinning it in his mind around and around. Isabelle would call it ‘overthinking’, but Alec liked to call it ‘making sure’. And he was sure, he had never been more sure of anything in his life as he had decided to find him. And Alec had found him all on his own, like a ship being led to the shore by the lighthouse, his memories led him here. Out there, he had been waiting for him, waiting and worrying both perhaps, if Alec would ever find his way back to him. The waves had pulled Alec away from him, but like the sea returning to the shore, Alec returned to him.  _ Wait for me a little bit more,  _ he thought with a smile,  _ you won’t be alone for much longer. _

_ I’m hurrying to you. _

The sand was loose under his feet, and he turned his head toward the ocean, the crashing of the waves providing a soundtrack to him as he walked along the shoreline. The sky was clear, sun shining warmly after the long winter, but the winds were much colder and smelt of salt. Yet the air felt clean, soft and Alec kicked a rock on his path, kneeling to pick it up and throwing it in the ocean, among the blue waters. He could hear gulls screaming overhead, their voices shrill, diving into the crystal clear depths and he closed his eyes, breathing it all in. It was beautiful there, just as he had remembered it. 

The waves crashed against the rocky shores, again and again, and it was loud but at the same time oddly calming. As he walked, making his way through the beach, his cheeks turning rosier by the minute, he found himself being drawn by the sea and soon he was kneeling just by the waterline where the waves weren’t as ruthless. He let his fingers find the water, it was still ice cold, and his pale skin looked beautiful in the turquoise water, sun shining on him. He smiled and rose up. The wind sliced through his hair, it was longer now since he had forgotten to cut it but he didn’t mind. It was peaceful there, but he worried still.

Nevermind the ocean air, the sun still felt hot and Alec opened his coat, thankful that he had decided to leave his scarf in the car. It was early spring, but the sun was over-eagerly rushing towards the summer. Alec couldn’t really say that he minded, not even then as he practically melted as he walked. But he knew it wouldn’t be much further now, he knew he would find him soon.

The water crashed and Alec could remember the last time he had been here. He remembered the cold waves, he remembered running and he remembered laughing, so much laughing and some ceaseless touches they had shared, as well. He smiled, looking down at his feet, and the water crashed again. He loved him, and he remembered.

_ I love you _

Crash.

_ I love you. _

Crash.

_ I love you, too. _

And Alec saw him, sitting there on the bench, the shy sunshine falling down on him, the fragile colors melting everything around him. The sun was warm, Alec could feel its heat on his cheeks and he was so beautiful Alec could barely breathe. He stopped in his tracks, admiring him from afar, and he could feel the final pieces fitting together finally, forming the image that was his life. 

“I found you”, he whispered, but the wind blew his words away before they could be heard.

A small breeze blew past him, carrying some flowers to him and ahead of him, as if competing, urging him to go. They were the first flowers of the spring, and Alec felt it was the perfect time to find him, for spring meant rebirth and hope for something better. It was new beginnings, but also the immortal cycle of life. All things had beginnings and endings, or so it often was. He chuckled at his silly thoughts, his laughter drifting in the wind like the petals of a flower, and shook his head lightly. He had a habit of finding meanings were the weren’t any, and right then too he knew their reunion would be perfect regardless of the season. But he was happy about the flowers.

Alec smiled, and closed his eyes, letting the sun find him as well and smiled even wider. He couldn’t believe he was there, truly, after all this time. He took some steps closer, but the man didn’t notice, only kept reading his book, turning the pages gracefully, with patience. There was a soft smile playing on his lips then as well, and Alec felt so warm inside as he looked at him.

And he could’ve simply stayed there, looking at him from afar, and it was hard to take those final steps to him. He loved him, he knew he always had, but he was still afraid. What if he had forgotten him? It had been years, centuries even, and Alec knew it was very likely that he didn’t know who he was anymore. He shifted his feet, bouncing on his heels a bit, cursing himself for even thinking that. Of course he would remember. He promised, didn’t he? He promised he’d wait, and Alec had promised to find him. And here he was, and there he was and he had to remember. But the fears were not so easily conquered. 

His hands were clasped in front of him, and he felt stupid that he hadn’t brought anything, but what could he even bring? He shook his head lightly, once, twice, before taking another hesitant step. He took a breath, deep, letting it out before taking another one. His heart was racing, the previously so calming warmth of the sun suddenly scorching hot and Alec closed his eyes briefly. 

But then came the wind, soft and cool, encouraging Alec to go forward, to go to him and he did. He went to him with a smile and for once a calm heart.

_ There is no love that lasts for eternity, but there is no sadness that lasts for eternity, either. _

Alec took a step closer and breathed deep, letting his hands fall against his sides and letting the final memories come to him. 

“I always wanted to believe that there was”

The man took no notice of him, but he paused in the middle of turning a page and Alec felt braver suddenly, more confident than ever before in his life. 

_ Which one did you want to believe in? Sadness or love? _

He walked over to him, his hands restless once more, though his mind was clear. There was only a single thought on his mind.

“Sad love”

He stood up then, the book falling on the ground, abandoned, and Alec bent over to pick it up. The man was looking at him as if he couldn’t believe he was there, as if he was seeing a ghost and perhaps both of those things were true, in a way. It was unbelievable, more than unbelievable, in fact it was almost impossible that Alec was there, and he was almost like a ghost. He stood up slowly, offering the book to him but he made no effort to take it back and with his eyes glued to Alec, perhaps he didn’t even see it.

Alec exhaled, and he inhaled. 

The moment stretched between them, as if time meant nothing, and Alec could feel the weight of his previous lives coming to him like it never had before, but he embraced it. It wasn’t a burden, it never could be. He wouldn’t mind immortality if he could be with him. 

Alec gave him a smile, and lowered his hand, his fingers anxiously wrapping around the book, tappin against it. “You know who I am, right?”

Magnus smiled as well, though his eyes were filled with tears and Alec found peace beside him, at last.

“Your smile is more beautiful than I remembered”

Alec voice broke as he spoke. “You still remember me?”

Magnus cupped his face and traced his thumb over his cheekbone, his smile fonder than it had ever been in Alec’s dreams. He pressed his forehead against his, breathing him in.

“I could never forget”

-   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! Thank you to each and every one of my lovely readers and commenters, I couldn't have done this without you! It has been an experience writing this and I hope you'll all subscribe to me so if and when I'll start writing again I'll get to see the same people reading it! (And I do have some stuff planned to stay tuned, make sure you subscribe to me and not this fic though!)
> 
> A super special shoutout to Saskia (@izzymalec) who stood by me from the very beginning and always left me sweet comments and made me inspirational gifsets and promoed my fic and encouraged me to write more when I felt really down about my story! She is an amazing person and deserves all the love so go check out her blog on tumblr!
> 
> Also if you want, come hit me up at tumblr (@daeneryn or my sh sideblog @magnusbanecs) i'd love to talk to all of you of this fic or anything at all, you're more than welcome! 
> 
> I hope i'll get to read your lovely comments and since I get notifications of new comments, I'll make sure to respond even long after this is done so please leave your thoughts even if it's been long time since I've finished this!


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